


Achilles and Patroclus

by KingWinston



Series: AAP [1]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Original Character(s), monty is gay and closeted, monty is kind of an asshole, wonty - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:42:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 102,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25205656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingWinston/pseuds/KingWinston
Summary: AU wonty fan fiction-Montgomery de la Cruz is a famous soccer player who cares about no one but himself. Then his path collides with a certain photographer that seems to be the only person who isn't afraid to stand up to Monty.[instagram @wontywilliams]
Relationships: Montgomery de la Cruz/Winston Williams
Series: AAP [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2000662
Comments: 293
Kudos: 424





	1. The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story is written in Monty's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is long and not with a lot of wonty but I want to show what Monty's life was like before he met Winston. There are a lot of original characters but you'll understand why :)

**One**

Okay so maybe I have anger issues.

But doesn't every soccer player?

Anders doesn't say anything, we sit in this bubble of uncomfortable silence and I'd rather listen to him telling me off. As long as he doesn't recommend anger management classes, we both remember how that went last time.

I've always had my eyes set of football, didn't really think much of soccer, thought it was a sport for pussies who couldn't get a place on the football team. 

I'm obviously not the only one who thinks that.

Anders sits opposite me, his hand on the table, his fingers interlaced. He's disappointed. I can tell, he's doing that thing with his eyes when he wants me to feel guilty.

But guilty for what?

"Is he dropping the charges or not?" I ask impatiently.

I could be anywhere right now, anywhere in the world. And yet I have to sit here, listening to my agent tell me off.

Anders Santos. My loving agent. He's put up with a lot of my bullshit, almost two whole years of it. He should expect this by now, don't know why he's acting so surprised.

He exhales loudly and I roll my eyes at how dramatic he's being. He wants an apology? He's not going to get one.

He pushes his chocolate brown hair behind his ears and he looks up at me. Jesus, he really needs to get a haircut, this jaw-length hairstyle isn't doing him much good.

"Why'd you do it?" Anders asks like he couldn't care less why I did it, I shouldn't have done it in the first place. But it's all part of the procedure.

I shrug. "He looked at me the wrong way."

Maybe he'll see how pointless this whole thing is. I mean an official meeting? In his office? We haven't done that since he bailed me out of jail nine months ago. Nothing big, just a bar fight.

He shakes his head at me and laughs. "God. I can't believe you sometimes." He rubs his hands up and down his face and that's when I notice the dark circles under his eyes. He probably stayed up all night trying to get that fucker to drop the charges.

"I fucking _dedicate_ my life to helping you succeed, and this is how you repay me?" I hate it when he does this. When he starts talking about how he 'saved' me, how I should be grateful to him. I'm almost expecting the iconic 'you'd be rotting in prison right now if it wasn't for me' line to follow.

But Anders keeps his mouth shut. He knows I don't like to be reminded of the past, an abusive father, a whore for a mother and a sister who'd rather die than have people find out she's related to me. What a lovely bunch we are.

"Charges?" I repeat wanting to direct his mind back to what this conversation is supposed to be about. "Dropped? Yes? No?"

I could be sitting on the beach right now, tanning with my girlfriend, telling her about the bitch boy I beat the shit out of last night. He deserved it.

"Fuck you, Monty," Anders spits at me and that's when I know: he dropped the charges. Pussy, he had no chance against us anyway.

How do I know? Anders wouldn't be this pissed off at me. No, he'd actually want me to be punished, to learn my lesson. But I'm getting away with this once again. And it pisses him off that I am.

I don't see the point in continuing this conversation further. "Well. Good talk," I say and I stand up from the chair. Anders shakes his head at me in disgust as his eyes follow me.

Once I'm on my feet, I stretch and I look at the clock on the wall. Just past three o'clock, I could still take Leeya to the beach.

Anders doesn't say anything, not until I'm standing by the door ready to go out.

"Sometimes I wish I fucking left you in that jail cell."

I stop, my hand on the door, one foot already out in the hallway.

"Yeah. Me too, buddy," I say. "Me too."

And then I close the door behind him with a loud bang to let him know that this conversation is over.

It is for me.

***

We were supposed to meet up at the bar but Leo is the only one who arrives. I mean, they weren't official plans. We didn't make a group chat dedicated to planning it, we just said that it'd be nice to meet up and you do what you want with that information.

Leo seems to be the only one who's not judging me. I always did like Leo, always thought we were somewhat alike.

He was the first one to welcome me into the team properly, didn't care if I was straight out of prison.

"We all do shit we're not proud of," he said and the rest is history.

Leo is older than me, much older. Almost eleven years. Yeah I know, I was surprised myself when he told me he was thirty-two. He didn't look it though, he could fool anyone with those baby blue eyes of his and that blonde hair. He often did too.

"Okay? So? You punched a guy, what's the big deal?" Leo says like he couldn't care less. He picks the half-empty glass of whiskey up from the table and he downs it all in one gulp. I know he's not supposed to he drinking, but I keep my mouth shut. I've never judged him and I'm not about to start now.

"Wish Anders felt the same way," I say and I take a drink from my own glass, water. We're at a public bar, paparazzi could be anywhere and I'm not about to give Anders another thing to lecture me about.

Leo grimaces. I forgot they don't really get along.

"I've said it before and I'm gonna say it again Remy," he says. I cringe at the nickname but I let him continue. "He's a good agent, he helped you out a lot and I respect that. But that was a long time ago, you've got your shit together now. Don't you think it's time for a new agent?"

I know that Leo is speaking from experience. He's not as good as he used to be, age does affect his ability on the field, but just a while ago he was one of the best soccer players around. He could have been _the_ best if he had just let himself to think with his brain and not his heart. He let his brother be his agent (big mistake, family members aren't always as trustworthy as they seem) and he'll always regret not looking for something else.

And maybe Leo is right. Anders _did_ help me when everyone else turned their backs on me. I had no one and then I had Anders.

So yeah, I do feel like I owe him for being where I am now. I couldn't just drop him, not now. Besides, I can't think of anyone else who'd be able to put up with my bullshit.

I let Leo rant on about agents and managers for a few minutes and after a few drinks, the conversation changes to family members, specifically family members that betray us. And that's how I know it's best to end the conversation and take Leo home before he gets emotional again.

If there's one thing I don't like about Leo, I'd be this. He gets drunk and rants about his problems like the world created them out of nowhere. Really he was just too pussy to stand up to his brother. I never tell him that though, instead, I nod while he tells me the story of how he caught his brother in bed with his now ex-wife. I've probably heard the story a million times before.

***

"Didn't expect to see you today."

And I know that snarky voice all too well.

"Joseph."

"Montgomery."

It's a shame I didn't get here earlier, I wouldn't have had to see him yet. But not we've ran into each other in the parking lot and a conversation is unavoidable.

I know he's probably already heard the story, half of LA has. Their beloved Montgomery de la Cruz getting into yet _another_ bar fight.

_'Montgomery de la Cruz loses his temper. Again.'_

He probably jerked off to the headline.

We walk along the hallways in silence, security guards and people who look like they work here occasionally shout 'good morning' to us, I ignore them but Joseph makes a show of responding to them.

One time he even stops to ask a cleaner how her daughter is doing, "Is she out of the hospital yet?" he asks and he may sound like he cares but trust me, he doesn't. I don't wait up for him.

I don't give a shit about these people, I do my job, they do theirs. I don't pretend to care about them or their daughters.

Joe's the complete opposite, he has to make everyone like him. He talks to every fan before every match, signs every single shirt and soccer ball that is thrown in his face. It's pathetic really, how much he needs the attention to feel good about himself.

I think I've lost him, he seemed to have been busy staying to talk to Susy the cleaner. But when I'm I'm the elevator and the door is almost completely shut, a hand stops it and the doors open again. Great.

I'm locked in a small place with the only person I hate more than myself.

I see that Joe's got his sunglasses sticking out of the pocket of his polo shirt, at least he has the decency to not wear them inside like the douchebag he is.

He's staring at his reflection in the elevator doors, floppy brown hair parted in the middle, dark green eyes, tanned skin. No wonder we've got all those teenage girls attending our games.

He's my age, only two months younger, but he's been in more relationships than the whole team combined.

"How did Anders get you off this time?" He asks and he sounds like he's amused with this whole thing. "Bribery again?"

I scoff and I turn my head so I don't have to see the mocking grin on his face.

We've been rivals ever since we joined the team. Well, he joined first and I followed. He was the golden boy, everyone's favourite. And then I came along. And I was much more interesting than the guy who came from a picture-perfect background.

So he became irrelevant. Bet it hurt. Hope it did.

"Don't know. Don't care," I reply and I thank God that the elevator doors finally open and I can distance myself from Joe.

I can just focus on the game.

We won the league last year. I was the top scorer, Leo close behind. Joe nowhere near.

Second year in a row. The people of LA didn't care much for soccer, they were too busy obsessing over The Lakers to care, but they're slowly starting to realise that they have a good soccer team too. To be honest, they probably just like that we win, they don't care about the details.

It's only June, the season doesn't end until October but everyone's getting their hopes up, hoping that we'll bring the trophy home third year in a row. It's not that unlikely once you look at who we're playing against.

***

I hate that practise always has to be so fucking early. I arrive at nine and leave around noon. By the time I'm home, I already feel like going to bed.

There's more press than usual outside waiting for us after practice. Ah yes, they love a good scandal.

I wish I didn't leave so early but I couldn't stand to be around Joseph any longer, not when he started talking about the new girl he was dating. Pretty sure he forgot her name halfway through the story.

I've got Leo on my left and Holden on my right.

Holden's much taller and much stronger than either Leo or me. He could push the three of us through the sea of paparazzi and news reporters with ease.

But even with Holden's physique, he doesn't get aggressive. I've only seen him get angry once, about four months ago when someone picked on him for his skin colour and boy did he get angry.

He's only two years older than me but he acts like he's older than Leo most of the time, he's definitely more mature.

He throws his arm over my shoulder and there's something so relaxing in the way he's touching me, like he could shield me away from all my troubles.

The news reporters scream and shout their questions at me. I don't respond. The news reporters don't bug me that much, over time I've learned to drown their voices out. It's the paparazzi with their giant cameras and flashing lights that drive me insane.

Click. Flash. Click. Flash.

I could go over there and shove those cameras where the sun doesn't shine but Holden's got his arm over my shoulder and he's steering me away from them and towards the car.

"Easy," he says quietly and his lips barely move.

Leo doesn't seem that bothered with the attention, he's already had to endure years of it before.

"See you," he says and he strolls away to his car without as much as a second glance.

Tired. We're all tired.

Holden eventually let's go off me once we're by my car and I open the car door but I don't get in.

"We had plans to meet up on Saturday," I remind him.

Like I said before, yes, they weren't really plans but Leo and I managed to show up. Why didn't he?

I know it shouldn't bother me this much, but it does.

I never knew what it was like to crave someone's approval. Not until I met Holden anyway.

He's a centre back, one of our best defensive players too. I always saw myself as a defender. Holden was everything seven-year-old me wanted to be, he was liked on and off the field, never argued with staff or opposition or fans, never got into bar fights with drunken old men.

He was everything I wasn't and I wanted him to like me so bad that it's embarrassing to admit.

He puts his hands in his front pockets and he shrugs. "Something came up. Didn't think you'd notice it I wasn't there."

But I did. Don't get me wrong, I love Leo but he could get a bit annoying after a few drinks. I had to listen to his drunken rants, then I had to practically carry him out of the bar because he couldn't stand on his own two feet and then I had to call him a cab home. He was a mess by the end of the night.

"Right," I say because I can't tell him any of that, he already worries about Leo. "Yeah, no we had fun. Would have been great if you were there though."

"Another time," he says simply and I get it, he wants to leave. Fine, I'm not gonna stop him.

I give him a small nod and then I look back towards my car to show him that I'm thinking about leaving too. "See you then," I sat mimicking Leo from earlier.

Holden gives me a small smile and then he turns on his heel and walks back to where he parked his car.

I stay there staring long after he's disappeared from view.

***

Coach Bradley gives us the weekend off. Well, not the whole weekend - we still have to be back in time for Sunday morning practice. But he never gives us days off, especially not so many of us and not at the same time. We know he's plotting something and we probably won't like what it is. But right now, all we have to worry about is where the next gas station is.

"I told you to fill your tank yesterday," Leo tells me and he gets out his phone and he searches for the nearest gas station. He's sitting in the front seat with me because he's the only one I trust enough to pick the music.

"And I fucking did, Powell," I say because he's pissed me off now and I know how much he hates his last name, the name that he has to share with his brother. That's not the only thing they share though.

And I did fill the tank up yesterday. But then I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn't go back to sleep and I drove around the city for about two hours. I didn't really have a destination, I just drove until I ended up back at my house and I got back into bed before my girlfriend Leeya could wake up to an empty bed. God knows how much she's worrying about me these days.

I wish it could just be Leo and me in this car, spending a whole day with him in his old cabin doesn't sound too bad. No, it doesn't. Not until I start to remember that he'd probably get drunk as soon as we get there and I'd have to deal with his drunken ramblings again.

No, I need Holden by my side to deal with drunken Leo. And Holden is here, he needed more convincing than Leo to come with us but he eventually gave in.

It would have been fine if it was just the three of us, a perfect balance. But nothing ever goes my way and somehow Joseph was invited too.

"He's a good kid," Leo told me after I moaned about him inviting Joseph along. "Give him a chance, I'm sure you two will get along."

I've known this guy for almost two years, if we were to get along I'm sure we would have by now.

 _'He's a good kid'_ , that's something Leo used to say about me in interviews whenever they asked if there was any truth to the rumours about my criminal past.

Sometimes I forget how old he really is, he doesn't understand that you can't just become friends with people out of nowhere. Not at our age.

"If we run out of gas before we reach the station-" Joseph moans again. I swear, this motherfucker has done nothing but complain ever since he got into the car.

"We're not going to," I tell him because the sound of his voice irks me, I've already had to stop the car twice because he needed to take a piss.

Holden isn't a part of the chaos, he's quietly sleeping in the back seat. His head is resting against the car window and I wonder how tough his night must have been if he's able to sleep in such uncomfortable conditions.

"Okay I got it," Leo tells me and he turns his phone screen towards me so I can see the Google Maps directions. "It's a bit shady... But it should do the job."

I'll take anything at this point, I don't care, anything to stop Leo from complaining.

"Are there any toilets there?" Joseph asks and he pushes his dumb fucking head in between mine and Leo's seats. It takes all the self-restraint I have to not smack him back until his own seat.

"Just fucking piss into the bushes or some shit like the rest of us do," I say and it's probably the nicest thing I've ever said to him.

But he grimaces at the thought. "Some of us have something called self-respect."

Yeah...I lost mine years ago bud, that's not gonna insult me.

"Yeah and some of us having something called bladders where we can actually keep our piss," I say and he pulls another face like the word 'piss' shouldn't be uttered in public.

Leo tries his best to keep a straight face but then he chuckles lightly and Joseph glares at him. I'll forever remain his favourite, Joseph can stay salty.

"I ca-"

"Stop breathing down my fucking neck and move back a little," I cut him off. The person in front of us just stopped at a yellow light, I could already be at the gas station if they had just decided to step on the gas.

Joseph doesn't argue with me and he moves back to sit with Holden.

I tap my thumb impatiently on the steering wheel as I wait for the light to turn yel-green so that the car in front of us moves.

Joseph huffs and puffs as he looks out the window but I know he's not going to keep that gob shut for long.

"I think it's unfair how-"

Called it.

"Say one more thing and I'll drive this car off the road without a second thought," I say quietly but then the light turns yellow and my thoughts of self-destruction are gone.

It seems to work though and Joe presses his lips together in a thin line, he already seems more likeable.

Maybe Leo was right, maybe this road trip is what I need to start getting along with Joe.

***

Or maybe not.

"Jesus just sit your fucking ass down," I groan at him because he's being a bitch boy again.

Leo told us that the cabin wasn't in its best condition and we all knew what we were signing up for.

Okay, so the furniture isn't brand new and there are some holes in the ceiling but it's not like its gonna rain anytime soon so Joe needs to calm down and stop worrying about something that's never going to happen.

"There are _roaches_ all over the couch," Joe groans and he takes a step back like he expects a giant roach to jump out at him from under the cushion. I'm praying for it to happen.

"That's not nice," Leo says and I think he's given up on his plan to make Joe and me friends. "Holden may not be the most attractive man on earth but there's no need to call him a roach."

Leo manages to keep a straight face, even when Holden puts his book down and sighs at us like he can't believe he let us convince him to come here. He's sitting down on the couch and he's waiting for us to get settled in because he just threw his bag into one of the empty rooms and that was it for him.

Another thing about the cabin, there are only three bedrooms so one (two actually) of us will have to be okay with sharing.

"I nominate Joe to sleep on the couch," I say and even Holden looks up from his book and grins.

"I second that," Holden echos after me and the look Joe shoots my way just makes my day because I don't think I've ever seen him look this upset.

Leo just laughs at us but then he comforts Joe and tells him that no one is going to be sleeping on the couch. "Who doesn't mind sharing a bed?"

And an awkward silence follows as we look at one another waiting for one of us to speak up.

Leo won't share a bed, this is his cabin and no one wants to be in the same bed as Joe for obvious reasons. The girls might be crazy over him but that's about it.

"Fuck you all," Holden mutters under his breath and then he sighs. "I can share but you best believe that I'm getting the biggest bed. Oh and I'm not sharing with Joe."

Joe looks like he's about to argue but then he remembers what the conversation is about and he decides against it. He's relieved that no one likes him enough to he comfortable sleeping in the same bed as him.

And then Leo's eyes land on me. Shit.

"Would you, uh-"

I sigh. Do I really have a choice?

"I'll share with Holdie," I say and it's almost like the uncomfortable atmosphere in the room just disappears. "Just stay on your side of the bed."

Holden's lips stretch into a smile and he gives me a wink just for good measure and the last of the uncomfortable silence is gone.

***

"What do you think he's planning?" I ask and I think it's finally hitting me.

They better not drug test us when we come back because I can't he asked getting synthetic piss again. So much work.

"Who?" Joe asks and he's actually not that bad once I'm high off my head.

I'm pretty sure it's way past midnight and we wasted the whole day practically doing nothing that's remotely relaxing like this trip was supposed to be.

Leo thought it would be a good idea to go swimming in the lake nearby but then Joe got bitten by something and we spent about an hour googling all his symptoms to make sure he wasn't gonna die. Even I was a teensy bit worried at one point.

We spent the day trying to find stuff to do but I don't think we're prepared for life in the wild.

But this is relaxing, we deserve it after the day we've had. After the bullshit I've had to deal with.

Holden has already gone to bed a while ago, he looked like he really wanted to stay but he could barely stay awake.

Leo's sitting on one of the plastic chairs he brought outside, he makes sure not to sit too close to the campfire in case the chair melts or something.

Joey and I? We're not that bothered. We're laying down on the ground dangerously close to the fire, me on one side and he on the other.

"Bradley," I answer Joey and he sighs. There's no way in hell that the man gave us a day off out of the goodness of his own heart. I just know he'll want something in return.

"Maybe he's finally going to sell you to one of those European clubs," Joey says dreamily and he's not doing it to be mean for the first time in his life.

I know that my name is starting to get quite big in Europe, Portuguese descent and all. Anders did tell me that there were some rumours and enquires but nothing solid. Not yet.

I wasn't sure if I'd want to play in Europe, their seasons last longer, they have more matches and competitions and there's just so much pressure.

I think I'm fine staying where I am for now.

"Nah," I say because even if there was some enquiry, I doubt Bradley would sell me without putting up a fight.

"Then I hope it's something about the national team," Joe says and I hum in agreement. It would be nice to finally get called to play for the national team especially now that the eliminations for the World Cup are starting soon.

Leo doesn't engage in our conversation but he listens to us talk.

"I bet they'll want you to play," Joe tells me and I'm pretty sure it's the drugs talking. "You're good, they'll be crazy not to want you."

Yep, the drugs have taken over Joe's mind.

But would I really want to play for the US team? I was still holding onto the hope that maybe the Portuguese team might want me after all.

***

The trip wasn't a complete waste of time.

I managed to put up with Joe for almost a full forty-eight hours and we didn't kill each other.

Leo got drunk but he only mentioned his brother once and that's progress.

As far Holden? I was starting to regret being his friend by the time I packed my stuff.

He may have kept to his side of the room, putting all his shit in one place and respecting my privacy, but when it came to sharing a bed, he didn't understand that there were sides.

Two nights. I spent two nights sleeping next to him and I feel like shit. He tossed and turned for hours every night and when I finally managed to get some sleep, he either threw his arm over me or he pushed me out of the bed. I preferred the latter, at least I wasn't pressed into his chest and I could move. Sleeping on the couch didn't seem like such a bad idea anymore.

I'm waiting outside by the car while the others pack their shit up.

"Are you sure you're okay to drive?" Leo asks me and he puts his hands on my shoulders as if to steady me.

Sure. I'm functioning on twelve minutes of sleep and twenty litres of coffee but yeah, I'm okay to drive.

"I'll be fine," I groan and I try to shake Leo off of me but he holds on tight and I can't be wasting precious energy trying to fight him.

"Monty, it's a six-hour drive," he tells me like I don't already know. We're already gonna be late for practice because I was supposed to set an alarm for us but my phone died in the middle of the night and I forgot to put it on charge.

"Say the word and I'll be happy to drive," Leo continues but I shake my head. I might not be awake now but I'll feel better once I'm on the road. Besides, I don't trust any of those fuckers to be driving my car.

"I'll be fine," I repeat and he gives me a worried look but he doesn't push it.

Even if I was going to let anyone drive, it would probably be Holden and then I'd be stuck in the backseat with Joe. And he's already bitching about how late we're going to be to practice because of me so I'd rather stay away from him.

Leo knows that he can't convince me to change my mind, he sighs and he starts walking back towards the cabin. "I'll tell Joe to hurry up in the shower."

I nod even though I know he can't see me.

***

Trust me when I tell you I've put up with a lot of Bradley's bullshit over my time at the club.

But this? This is just crossing a line.

He's got us all huddled up in the locker room, Richard Baxter on his side and I already know this is going to be bullshit.

Richard Baxter, the guy in charge of our PR team. I hate his guts.

Bradley's smart, of course, he didn't tell us before practice and of course, he didn't tell us a week ago when we came back from our trip. He knows how we would have reacted.

I'm only half changed when they come in to tell us the news, my top half is completely bare because I just got out of the shower.

None of my teammates speak out, they're all looking at me. If Bradley's going to listen to anyone, it'll be me.

"This is such bullshit," I say and I throw my gym bag onto the floor making one of the younger players flinch.

None of my teammates back me up, but they're not disagreeing with me either.

"Monty, why don't we go out for a few drinks? We can talk-" Richie starts to say but I'm not going to listen to his crap. He thinks he can get me drunk enough until his offer sounds appealing to me? That's only worked on me once before, never again.

"A documentary?" I ask. "Have you lost your goddamn mind?"

Bradley and Richie exchange looks. Maybe they weren't expecting such a harsh reaction.

Bradley could shut this whole thing down with one word, he's the man in charge. But he can only see the positives of this.

"Have you listened to a word we said? It's not a documentary it's a-"

I couldn't give a shit about the details, there are still going to be idiots with cameras and microphones following us around like dogs.

"You do this... And I'm quitting the team," I say and now would be a good time for someone to back me up but no one wants to get involved in an argument between Richie and me.

"You know you can't just quit," Bradley laughs like he thinks he can call my bluff. I'll find a way.

"I'll break my own fucking arm if I have to," I tell him and he doesn't say anything because he knows I'm capable of doing worse.

"Let's not be dramatic now," Leo says breaking the silence in the room. His arm lands around my tense shoulders and he takes a few steps forwards so that he's standing by my side. "What Monty wants to say, is that we don't wanna be followed around by some gimps with cameras all day long. We already have to deal with the paps, do you really think this is such a good idea?"

I'm glad one of us can stay calm during this. But even Leo starts to lose his cool when Richie starts telling us how all the big clubs in Europe have started doing it, uploading interviews with their players, posting the behind the scenes of matches and showing footage of training and the team spirit.

But all I can hear is. 'Money. Money. Blah blah blah. More money.'

***

It takes almost a full two weeks for the whole thing to start.

I arrive to practice and I see the big vans parked outside the stadium, whole crews crowded around it. I wanna go home.

They stop and stare when I get out of my car and I hate them all, I don't know how I'm going to put up with this.

Leo's waiting for me outside, I expected to see Holden instead, but Leo will do.

"So the dogs are here," he says and he pulls me towards the stadium before I can start an argument with one of the guys that has already got his camera out and seems to be recording us. He's gonna be the first one I fire.

I've started to call them dogs since the day Richie told us about the whole thing and everyone else caught on. They don't deserve to get proper names.

Turns out that the people outside are only about half of the crew, we're met with even more people inside.

Leo gives them an occasional wave and they're left with big grins on their faces, they look like they've never seen a celebrity before.

I was hoping to get away with pretending that the cameras and the idiots holding them aren't even there but Richie wants us to come meet some of the crew before practice.

I shake hands with a few of them but I don't look at their faces and I don't listen when they're being introduced, I don't care.

I get my own dog, Bradley tells me that I'm going to be featured a lot since people want to know more about me.

The kid looks like he's fresh out of middle school, freckled face, curly thick ginger hair and a dimple on one side of his face when he smiles (which is all the time by the way).

He tells me his name is Nick and Richie tells me I'm in charge of him. I get to decide what gets recorded and what doesn't, Richie better not act surprised when Nick comes back with no footage at all.

***

I thought that after the first day everyone would be pissed off, tired of having cameras shoved in front of their face. But they all seem pretty excited to finally get some recognition. I'm the odd one out.

"I thought it was gonna be worse," Holden says and I'm disappointed that even he's enjoying this.

Of course, his dog is a woman and I could make so many jokes about that but I keep my mouth shut, they wouldn't have laughed anyway.

Nick followed me around all day (just like a dog would) and all he did was ask me questions, try to get me to talk. He probably thought we were going to be besties by the end of the week. I'm sure that by now he's thinking about quitting.

"I don't mind the attention," Leo agrees with Holden and he's drinking again. This is the kind of stuff we're not supposed to show on camera, we keep it to ourselves.

I hate how much they love the attention while I'm dreading every second of it.

I can't even enjoy myself at this party, they play the wrong music, the wrong people come up to talk to me and they all ask the wrong questions.

They don't look surprised when I tell them that I'm busy and I walk away leaving then behind, they know I'm too important to even talk to them.

What the fuck is this party?

Joe got us invites here, said he knew the guy who was throwing the party and that it was going to be worth it.

I'd rather sit at home and listen to Leeya complain about her university course.

I wouldn't say that I'm drunk, if I really wanted to then I could probably drive myself home. But I can't risk another scandal, Anders would skin me alive.

I go up the stairs and I lean over the top balcony, I have a good view of the bottom floor and now I can fully see the party. One word: bland.

Everyone looks the same, all the food and drink taste the same, the music sounds the same. It just feels like I'm in this endless loop and there's no way of getting out.

But that was before he came along.

I hear footsteps of someone walking past me and then they stop. And then they start again but this time slower.

I realise that I must look like a right weirdo, staying up here and eyeing up all these people that I've never seen before.

But he doesn't think so.

He walks over to the balcony, a meter of space in between us but we can hear each other perfectly well over the loud music coming from below.

"Great view," he says to me and I scoff. Are we really looking at the same party?

I haven't had a proper look at him yet, I'm guessing it's a kid, fresh out of high school, probably idolises me but wants to be friends so he acts like he had no idea who I am. 

Who thinks that saying 'great view' while staring at a group of people is a good conversation starter? I really need to get out of this party and I'm never trusting Joe to make plans for us ever again. Hell, he better apologise for wasting my time with this shit.

"What do you think?" he asks me then and I turn my head because he's caught me off guard.

Think? About what? The party? Shit.

He has dark thick curls falling over his forehead, hazel eyes that are now twinkling in the light and he must know who I am because he's giving me this welcoming smile like he'd do anything to be friends with me.

I'm sorry to disappoint, but I don't have friends. I have teammates.  
  
"Huh?" I ask and I squint at him. 

He's leaning against the barrier just like I am but he's got one arm by his side and he lifts it up to scratch his nose awkwardly. "Uh, the paintings? What do you think about them?"

I follow his finger with my eyes to look to where he's pointing. On the far wall, there are painting of various shapes, all different but they all seem to follow the same theme. I can't really make out clearly what there are from here, but they look like a random mess of colours. Like a toddler just poured some paint onto a canvas and started rolling around in it.

I scrunch my nose up. That's art? Who goes to a party to look at the paintings on the wall? But I don't really blame him, those painting are much more interesting than anything else at this 'party'.

I scratch the back of my head and I shrug slightly. What do I know about art? But I am Montgomery de la Cruz and people just ask for my opinion because I seem important.

I look at him again and he has this weird look on his face, squinted eyes, pursed lips and he looks like he's studying me.

"Do I know you?" he asks and I raise my eyebrows. Is he fucking with me? He doesn't know who I am? But then again, unless you're into soccer, my name or face won't really mean much to you.

I slowly shake my head and he nods. "Oh. Sorry, you just look kind of familiar."

Everyone else at this party knows who I am, why doesn't he? He _must_ be fucking with me.

I decide to give him a little encouragement, I step closer to him and I hold my hand out for him to shake. "Montgomery."

And he raises his eyebrows in a 'who names their kid that' sort of way. Then he shakes my hand and he grins at me. "Winston."

Winston? He's got no right to judge my name with a name like his.

I withdraw my hand. He really has no idea who I am? This is kind of refreshing after being pestered by everyone else at this godforsaken party.

I look back to the party and I see that something's happening now. There's a crowd forming in the corner, not a big crowd but people are crowding around. And then I see Holden in the middle of it, he looks like he's arguing with someone and Joe is by his side and he's not doing a very good job at calming him down.

"Excuse me," I say and I peel myself away from the barrier. "I think my friends are in trouble."

Friends, teammates. Same thing.

He stops for a minute like he's only just realised who I am and then he nods and I walk past him and down the stairs.

***

Where the hell is Leo?

Holden won't tell us what happened, Joe has no idea what is happening and he's too drunk to even be able to form a proper sentence. He's such a lightweight.

We stand outside Leo's car, Holden sitting in the front seat with the door open and Joe's leaning on the door. I don't tell him off even though I could, I know he can barely stand on his own two feet.

"Where the hell are you, Powell? We're outside and we wanna leave," I say into the phone. Voicemail. "We've all had something to drink, we shouldn't drive but if you don't show up in the next five minutes we will."

No, I won't. But that should motivate him into coming.

Holden's still shaking. He's not one to get involved in a fight, nevermind start one. I managed to get him out before anyone could start throwing punches but things were said and it may have affected him more than he's letting on.

"'You 'kay?" I ask him and I nudge his leg with my foot. 

He looks up at me and he looks so fucking worried. What the hell happened back there? He gives me a shaky nod but his face is paperwhite and he looks more dead than okay.

"What do we do, Monty?" Joe asks and I know that he's out of it because he never calls me Monty unless he's drunk or high.

He's looking at me like I'm the answer to all his problems. Trust me, I am most definitely not.

I shrug. "Just..." I step to the left and I open the door to the backseat. "Get in the car Joey, I'll be back in a minute."

Leo wouldn't leave, his car is still outside. So he better be inside still.


	2. Types of Art

**Two**

I'm going to kill Leo.

"A DUI? A _fucking_ DUI?"

Love you too, Anders. Love you too.

"I wasn't even that drunk," I say as we walk to his car from the police station.

Do I want to know what he had to do to get me out of this one? No, I don't.

"Get in the fucking car before someone sees you," he tells me and he opens the car door for me.

Leo wasn't at the party. I looked and I looked and I asked around. He must have left with someone. None of our calls or texts were being answered so I did the only thing I could think of, I drove the car. 

It went well at first. I managed to drop Joe and Holden home but then on the way to my house, I got pulled over. The cop probably wouldn't have let me go without any hassle if I hadn't made that comment about his double chin.

I sit in the backseat while Anders turns on the car engine. It looks like he's hanging on by a thread. He's not getting any sleep recently because of me and my bitching. He won't get any sleep today either, it's almost three in the morning and he's not going to let me off easy.

"What were you thinking?" Anders mutters as we drive away from the police station. I'm lucky that Anders came as fast as he could, it doesn't look like anyone knows about this except for the two people sitting in this car. The policemen don't count, Anders obviously took care of that.

I close my eyes and I sigh as I try to get comfortable in the backseat. Fuck, I'm tired.

What was I thinking? Easy, I wanted to go home and not wait around for Leo to finally show up. Holden was still shaken up and Joe was vomiting on the side of the curb. Someone needed to take them home.

"Couldn't you have called an uber? Me? _Anyone?_ "

Yes, I could have. But, you see, would I have been pulled over for a DUI then? No. And what would be the fun in that? The sheer thrill of the possibility of getting caught was enough to make me get into that car and drive.

"Can you open your eyes and talk to me?" Ander shouts at me. I do as he says, I've already upset him enough. "I'm starting to worry about you."

Everyone worries. No one tries to help.

"Why did you do it?"

"I thought it might be fun," I say with a sigh and the disappointment on Anders' face... it's indescribable.

Maybe I won't have to fire him. Maybe he'll quit on his own. Yeah... I have no idea what I'd do if he quit.

***

I was hoping to talk to Leo before practice but one of Richie's assistants/mistresses corners me and tells me that they'd like to interview me now.

Oh, joy.

They want to start off big, an interview of the club's biggest start at the moment.

Anders doesn't need to tell me to pass questions that could damage my reputation, I'll do it anyway. I just need to make sure to stay focused and not slip up.

He's looking at me differently. Like the last sliver of hope he had for me getting my shit together has disappeared last night in that car as we drove away from the police station. Fuck him.

They've set up the cameras and crew in one of the big offices, there are about a dozen different cameras all around the room, recording and writing equipment everywhere and then there's a chair for me to sit on in the middle of the whole mess.

Nick my dog, is already waiting for me in the room with his notepad of questions and I'm already dreading having to listen to his voice.

The camera crew doesn't talk to us or interrupt us, they stay back and watch me like I'm an animal in a zoon. Caged. That's what I feel like.

Apparently we're waiting for some other guy, we can't start without him. What the fuck? I can show up on time but some guy who's getting paid for this can't? That's going on my 'why we should scrap this project' list.

Nick tries to make small talk, asking about this and that but I tune him out like he's just white noise.

"How was the party last night?"

I sigh and don't respond. Shit, got arrested after and then my agent looked at me like he wished he'd never met me. Just your usual Friday night.

"Who the fuck are we waiting for?" I ask loudly and the crew shifts and looks around the room uncomfortably. This is not what they signed up for, they didn't expect it to look like this behind the scenes.

"It's some producers kid," Nick tells me quietly and he licks his lips nervously. I'll give him credits for being the only one brave enough to answer. "He's meant to be supervising on days that the producer can't. There was some kind of last minu-"

"Do you _ever_ shut up?" I say and I rub my temples and look down at my feet.

Yeah, that was mean. But give me a break, I'm fucking tired, I'm annoyed and Nick's voice isn't exactly pleasant to listen to.

I take a moment or two just to try to clear my head. Anything but a headache, please.

I take a deep breath and when I look back up, someone's walking in through the door. The camera crew sighs with relief.

I don't. It's that fucking guy from the party. The one I talked to right before I went to retrieve Joe and Holden from the fight. He's got piles of papers in his hands, a shoulder bag on his shoulder and he looks like he just woke up. His hair is a mess of dark curls and yet he still somehow manages to look...

And here I was thinking that there was at least one person who didn't know who I was. What was he trying to achieve by pretending he didn't know me last night?

"Sorry I'm late," he says and then his eyes meet mine and he stops. He stops halfway through putting the papers down and he stares at me. He swallows and then he kicks back into motion like nothing's wrong.

"Can we just do this?" I say and I sit down in the chair designated for me. I don't know why it bothers me so much that he lied, that he knows who I am, that he's right here.

I thought... He saw me at that party and he picked me out of the mass of people. He picked me out even though he had no idea who I was and he talked to me about art. What was he trying to achieve?

A few minutes later, the cameras are rolling, the lights are on, the microphone is hovering above my head and Nick is sitting opposite me with his notepad in front of him. The guy-Winston is sat with some of the crew members, he keeps on clicking his pen waiting for the interview to start.

"Can you, uhh, introduce yourself?" Nick says uncertainly. He's probably still thinking about my earlier outburst. "Like, your name, your position and-"

"I'm Montgomery de la Cruz, striker for LAFC," I cut him off and I raise an eyebrow. "That good enough?"

Apparently not judging by Nick's face. But he keeps his mouth shut, worried that I'll tell him off again.

"Can we try that again but with a little less...erm. A little nicer?"

And it's not Nick speaking. It's the guy behind the camera. Winston. I tell myself that this is his job but he's already pissed me off and I'm trying my best not to say anything back. I don't need to upset Anders any more by throwing a fit.

I repeat the line and then Nick starts asking me his questions. We start off with the generic stuff, the questions that have easy answers. And then we get to the hard part.

"Your family-"

"Pass."

Nick stops abruptly and he turns his head to look to Winston for help. What the hell is he gonna do? Tell me to answer the question? Wow, I'm terrified.

Winston sighs and he looks like he'd rather be anywhere but here. Everyone's waiting, waiting to see if he'll say something.

He doesn't.

Nick sighs and he turns back to his notepad. "In high school yo-"

"Pass."

I keep a straight, calm face as I look at Nick. I know this is an interview and I know that I'm supposed to be answering the questions but there are just some questions that I can't answer. Even Anders knows that. 

"Let him finish the question."

And it's Winston again. I suddenly realise why we couldn't have started without him. No one else here has the balls to talk back to me.

"I'm gonna pass it anyway," I mutter under my breath but Winston doesn't respond.

Nick takes a shaky breath. "In high school, you were one of the best football players on the team. Why did you decide to play soccer instead?"

They're waiting, listening, staring at me. But I can't answer the question. Lies depend on other lies in order to work. As soon as one lie falls apart, so does every other one.

"Pass."

***

I think I've gotten away with it. Passed more than half of Nick's questions until even Winston gave up and just sat there staring into the camera. He's probably already looking for another job. 

I just want to get out if there and get into the field. Sort shit out with Leo, that's something I gotta do too.

But I hear footsteps coming after me as I leave the room and you can already guess who they belong to.

"Montgomery! Hey! Wait!"

Montgomery. That's how I introduced myself to him.

"What?" I say. I stop in place and I turn my body to face him.

He closes the door to the office we both just walked out of and then he takes a few steps towards me.

I hate how confident he acts but it's better than having to deal with another Nick. I might just lose it if I hear him stutter one more time. I need to get Richie to replace him.

"Are you okay? You seem a little-"

"I'm fine," I say cutting him off. It's almost like an automatic response. And we stay standing there and I have that one question I've been meaning to ask him since I saw him. "Why did you pretend not to know who I was at that party?"

I don't know if it's something to do with my ego or my pride but I just don't like that he did it.

He looks surprised that I asked and he blinks. "I didn't. I didn't know who you were." He seems to be genuine but I don't react in any way. "Your face, it seemed familiar because my dad, the producer, he showed me a picture of some of you guys. You know, the people he's going to be working with. But I didn't know who you were."

Okay. Fair enough. He didn't know who I am. And now he's working with me. Hundreds of people would kill to be in his place. Why doesn't he look even smaller little bit impressed?

"How are your friends?" he then asks just as I turn to walk away. "From the party? Are they okay?"

I forgot he saw that. Holden... He won't talk about it. I don't know what the hell happened at that party and if he doesn't want to tell me, well then that's his choice.

"He's okay," I say with a slight shrug. I could be getting changed in the locker room now, why is he still bothering me?

And then he just nods like he couldn't care less whether or not I answered his question and he turns back to the interview room.

Freak.

***

Leo doesn't seem to realise that he left us at that party. He doesn't mention it so I don't either and we go back to our easy friendship.

"I heard Richie saying that this documentary might not be such a good idea after all," Leo tells me as he sits down on my couch and he puts his feet up on the table.

Leeya, my girlfriend, is at college and I won't be seeing her for a few days so Leo and I can have the whole apartment to ourselves without her complaining about the noise or the mess.

"Yeah?" I pour him a drink and then I slide the glass over to him. "Why's that?"

I said it from the beginning, this whole "documentary" will just expose shit that we don't want exposing, it's not a good idea.

"Two kids quit this week," Leo then says before bringing the glass to his lips. "Richie said something about how your behaviour is scaring the crew."

I scoff and I sit down in the armchair with my own drink in my hands. I'm not suddenly going to change my whole attitude just because we've got cameras around. Richie and Bradley knew how I behaved, they knew about the risks they were taking with this documentary.

Leo finishes his drink and he puts the glass down on the table. "I'm saying this as a friend. I think you should watch how you act around the crew."

"Excuse me?"

I should what now? And what gives _him_ the right to tell me what to do, to decide what's best for me? No, what's best for the _team_.

Leo sighs like he should have known this was coming. Yeah, he should have kept his fucking mouth shut. I'm not going to suddenly start being nice to people because some pussies couldn't handle a bit of shouting.

"Monty... You're ruining it for the rest of us," Leo then says quietly. I forgot, they 'love the attention'. "Some of us need this documentary to show the world that we're not just some dummies that can kick a ball around."

I roll my eyes and I grunt. That's exactly who the world thinks we are and I'd like to keep it that way. I'd rather have the world know me as some soccer player than for them to know the whole story.

"Look, man, I'm thirty-two," Leo then tells me and he sits up on the couch as he puts his feet back down on the floor. "I've been playing soccer for as long as I can remember. It's all I know. I don't want to retire and have people forget me just because I've stopped doing the only thing I'm known for."

I raise an eyebrow and I snort. Is he being fucking serious right now?

"Listen to me," I say. "Musicians are known for their music, writers are known for their stories and us, sportsmen, we'll be known by our achievements. You can't just suddenly switch careers halfway through life. People will remember you for what they want. You can't change that. You should just be glad you get remembered. Some people die as nobodies."

I start the speech confidently but by the last line, my voice is barely audible. Leo stares at me and I clear my throat. I don't want him to start analysing me, that's dangerous for both of us.

"I'll try to be nicer to the crew," I say quietly and Leo gives me a nod. I should have just said that in the first place.

***

Okay, I get it.

I'm fucking it up. If this project gets scrapped, we'll be wasting a shit tone of money, my teammates will be mad at me and the crew that we're working with will start telling people what it's really like. We don't want that.

So from now on, I'm going to keep my mouth shut. From now on, Nick is my best friend. From now on, I am the happiest fucker on the planet. I'm going to put on such a show that even Shakespeare will raise from his grave to congratulate me.

I will. As long as no one pisses me off.

We're shooting penalties to finish practice off. Some of the youngsters are still having problems will penalties because of the stress and pressure. They shouldn't stress, they won't be chosen to take penalties any time soon.

I don't have to participate, I can carry on sitting on the field with Leo by my side, but I just feel like taking a penalty.

The whole crew is keeping their distance so it's not impossible to ignore them. But they're still there. They're still there with their cameras and their equipment and their notepads.

Winston isn't supposed to be around every day, I heard that he still goes to art college or some shit. But he will be around quite regularly. I haven't seen him all day and I think it's for the best. No one annoys me like he does.

The youngster moves out of the way and he places the soccer ball down onto the designated spot.

I look up and I take a good look at our goalkeeper. Marcus. Used to play for one of those big European clubs and now he's here. Retired.

We're not friends but he knows me well professionally, he knows just how I take my penalties.

I take my run up and I kick the ball. But I don't aim for the net or Marcus, I aim for the goal post. It hits the post and bounces off back towards me just like I wanted it to.

Marcus isn't expecting me to be able to kick it again but I do. I kick the ball and it lands into the left side of the net and Marcus looks pissed off that I got it in. I see him shaking his head and he starts to walk off the field because I was the last one to take the penalty.

I stand there on the field, hands on my hips and I stare at the ball that's in the back of the net. I don't feel anything.

I used to be proud of myself when I scored, now it all just seems like a routine. I'm not happy when I score but I'll get really fucking pissed off if I don't. I need to keep on getting better.

A while later, when we're getting changed in the locker room, I pick my phone up to see that photos from practice have already been posted on our social media account.

I scroll through the pictures, Leo and Joseph laughing at something, Holden laying down on the ground, a bunch of photos of my teammates and then the last one... It's me.

It looks like the photo was taken right after I took the penalty. I imagine myself be frowning, looking annoyed. But the guy in the photo, he looks dissapointed, sad.

He looks like someone who was promised a better life, someone who had dreams but in the end he's just left living a fake life and surrounding himself with fake people. This is not the life he ever wanted.

Or maybe he's just tired and he wants to go home and sleep after a hard day of practice.

I'm too busy focusing on my own disappointed expression to notice what's in the background. I see some guys from the crew sitting in the empty audience but they're cropped out of the frame. I zoom into the photo and then I see him.

Winston goddamn Williams. He's leaning against the banner just like he leaned on the balcony at the party. His eyes are glued to me and even though his face in the photo is burly, I can tell that I intrigue him.

I'm just another piece of trashy art for him to look at.


	3. The Goal

**Three**

He's fucking obsessed with me I'm telling you. He's some crazy fan or some shit trying to get close to me in some fucked up way. I just know it.

"I'm not going to tell Baxter to drop the whole project just because you think some kid might have a crush on you!"

Anders is still mad about the DUI and it's understandable. Even though he'd my agent, we still act like friends. Or at least we used to. Back when I wasn't such a fuck up, back when I wasn't trying to fuck myself up in every way possible.

It's not just a crush. This kid just straight-up creeps me out. The way he's looking at me just makes me so fucking uncomfortable.

Anders isn't even sitting in his office chair anymore, he went to stand by the window but I still sit in the chair.

"You gotta listen to me," I try to convince him. "That kid... There's something weird about him. He gives me the creeps."

He does. He really does. From the first time I saw him at that party, I knew there was something weird about him.

"That's 'kid' is also the producer's son," Anders reminds me and he pushes his greasy hair away from his eyes. A few weeks ago I was worried that he wasn't getting a haircut, now it looks like he gave up on showering too. I hope it's not because of me. 

I try to argue my point across but Anders stopped listening to me long ago. This kid... he bothers me so fucking much and I don't know why. He's really gotten under my skin.

"Can't you just... talk with him?" Anders suggests and I scoff. "Tell him to stop staring at you?"

See, that's exactly what I _don't_ want to do. He makes me uncomfortable, I don't want to be around him and I certainly don't want to talk to him. Anders is my agent, he should talk to him.

"Can't you do it?" I ask timidly like a child and Anders rolls his eyes. 

"Monty... How old are you?" he asks sarcastically and he rubs his hands up and down his face. "You beat up random fuckers for looking at you the wrong way but you can't tell some kid to stay away from you?"

Yeah, exactly.

***

I don't like this. I'm not used to this.

It's always been me and Leo, Leo and me. I'm used to having him play by my side. I don't know what the hell Bradley was doing by substituting Joe at halftime. 

I'm used to seeing Joe on the bench, we play on the same position so I didn't expect to see him play anytime soon. But he played. With me next to him. And it wasn't bad.

Joe and I aren't friends so I don't know what I'm doing, carrying him on my back, letting him mess up my hair and listening to him let me how good we were out there.

Scored twice. One assist by Leo, the other one by Joe. I have this weird feeling that Leo may be closer to retirement than I thought.

"Uh, that _goal_ ," Joe groans into my ear as I carry him off the pitch. The camera crew is standing at the sidelines and they snap a hundred pictures of us a second, even they know how rare it is to get a picture of me smiling.

Winston hasn't been around lately but his dad has. He treats me like I'm some kind of God, shakes my hand every time he sees me and calls me 'Mr de la Cruz'. One of these days I'll punch him for it. He's nothing like his son.

Speaking of his son...

Joe gets called over for a post-match interview and he jumps off of my back after giving me one last compliment about how I kicked that ball. He really needs to get a grip. 

I look over to where some of our crew is standing, not the camera crew- the guys in charge of getting us prepped before games. Winston is stood next to one of our guys, he has his hands in his pockets and he stares straight forward as he listens to whatever our guy is telling him.

Our cooler is standing close to them and I should head back to the locker room but I'm just so fucking thirsty.

I jog over to the cooler, flip the lid open and I take out one of the water bottles. Winston just briefly glances back at me and then he turns back around while I drink from the bottle.

"Good game, eh?" I ask as I screw the cap back onto the bottle. The crew guy stops speaking, he looks back at me but it's not him I want to answer. 

Leo said it himself, I need to be nicer towards these people. This is me trying to be nicer.

Winston turns around and his eyebrows are slightly raised as he watches me throw the half-empty water bottle back into the cooler.

"'Amazing out there," the crew guy tells me. He seems to get the hint that I don't want him here and he pats me on the shoulder and walks away from us to pack some of our shit up.

I mutter a 'thanks' as I nod at him and Winston stays looking at me. "Got some good footage of you," he tells me and I nod as if I actually care.

Fuck I'm so sweaty and tired. My shirt is sticking to my back and my chest and would usually take it off after the match but I can't just start undressing right now.

He takes his hands out of his pockets and he crosses them around his chest. It's summer, it's scorching hot and this guy is wearing black skinny jeans and a dark blue long-sleeved top. Just looking at him makes me feel hot.

He notices me staring and making a face and he gets nervous. "What? Is something wrong?"

He starts looking down at his trousers and shoes like they're dirty or something and then he looks back up with a confused look on his face.

I stare at him. Is he being serious? "Aren't you hot?"

And he blushes a little so I gesture to his outfit and he laughs.

"Oh," he says and he chuckles nervously. "At least I look good, right?"

Does he want me to compliment him? Who does he think he's talking to?

I just raise an eyebrow and I start walking back to the locker room.

He thinks he looks good? Good for him.

***

It was Joey's birthday yesterday. We couldn't celebrate because it was a match day so we're celebrating today instead.

He wouldn't stop talking about it during practice until I tackled him to the ground even though he was nowhere near the ball. He got the hint.

He's finally turning twenty. My age. One more year and we won't have to depend on Leo and Holden to buy alcohol for us. Kinda embarrassing really.

He's rented out some club. Or his agent has, I don't really care. As long as they don't ID us, I'm fine with having this party wherever.

"I feel like I'm overdressed," Leeya says as we get out of the car. She looks around at all the other girls with their jeans and tops and she starts pulling at her black dress that's a little on the formal side.

I haven't really spent much time with her recently because of her exams at college and everything else going on in my life so I felt like I owed it to her to bring her here.

"You look fine," I tell her and I put my hand on her waist. But she's still looking around and studying the other girls. "You look _miles_ better than all those other girls."

Leeya was always pretty. She always manages to stand out no matter whose company we're in. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her at one of our games. Joey was the one she wanted, I remember her asking me if I could call Joseph over because she wanted his autograph. I managed to convince her that my autograph would be worth much more than Joey's ever will.

She may have not liked me at first, but she was mine now. That's all I care about. I'm dating a pretty girl.

Joe really needs some better taste in friends. It looks like he invited a bunch of college kids and half of his grandparents' retirement home. What is wrong with this guy?

"This is... nice," Leeya says meaning the complete opposite as we walk in. I knew I picked a girl with taste.

I look around searching for Leo or Holden or really anyone I know. Anyone _but_ Joe. But it's Joe that I see.

"So glad you could make it!" he says with a big smile on his face. His eyes dart to my girlfriend and I can't help but notice that he looked her up and down. Yeah, she's mine.

"Yeah, of course," I say and then it turns awkward because neither of us knows what to say and Joe just stands there with a stupid grin on his face.

This is why I wanted to come late but Leeya insisted that we set off early to avoid traffic. What traffic?

"Excuse me," Joe then says and he looks behind us like there's someone there that he wants to greet.

Just say that you don't want to talk to me fucker. God knows I've said worse shit to him.

We're not friends.

***

Joey and I... we're best friends.

"That goal..." I say and I take a deep breath as if I'm admiring it in my head right now. "If it wasn't for Joey... I never would have scored that."

I have no idea how many drinks I've had, how much weed I've smoked or where Leeya is. It's just us four guys hanging out. We're not sat by the table, we've moved to the couches in the lounge about an hour ago. It's much more comfortable.

I'm laying down flat on my back while Joe is leaning on Holden and Leo is just sitting properly, I think he must be sober.

I saw that Joe invited some of the guys from the crew. They're not allowed to film but it's a good opportunity to show them that we're not always assholes. Me. I mean me. 

I've been looking around and I've seen Winston a few times. He's always busy talking to one of the crew guys or some of the college guys. They probably know each other. But he hasn't looked our way. Not even once.

"Bradley really should let me play more," Joe then says and he takes another hit from the join in his hand. It's my weed but I don't say anything. It _is_ his party after all.

At some point during the night, Leeya joins us with another girl, Joey introduces her as his girlfriend. Yeah, right. 

Leeya's sitting down on the couch and my head is resting in her lap as I let the joint rest on my lips. She hates it when I smoke but she doesn't comment.

"Hey, Penelope," Joe says while sitting up to address his 'girlfriend'. "Could you pass me another beer?"

The girl stares at him and Joe waits with his hand held out.

"My name's Hannah," she then says and Leo makes a face. Holden cough awkwardly and I snort which only receives me a glare from Leeya.

It seems like everything suddenly turns silent and even the music goes quiet for a second. 

Joe looks embarrassed and he drops his hand and clears his throat. "Right..."

I think we're all holding our breath waiting for the next thing to happen. Then Hannah's face crumbles and she stands up and walks away from our table.

Joe looks around the table looking at one of us in turn. Holden looks away, Leo starts to sip his drink and I just raise my eyebrows at him. He fucked up.

"I'll go check up on her," Leeya then says sourly and she gently pushes my head away from her lap.

I oblige and I watch her as she goes over to Hannah or whatever her name is.

"You fucked up," Holden then tells Joe but he just shrugs.

"I'll find myself another one," Joe says casually and he takes the joint from my lips.

Fucker.

***

Even the alcohol wasn't helping me to put up with Joe's bullshit any longer.

It's his birthday (it was yesterday), I'm going to let if go just this once.

Maybe if Leeya was still with me, he'd be a bit more tolerable. Bit watching him hit on girls and seeing him act like he's some kind of God just isn't how I want to spend my Friday night.

As I'm leaving the building and the parking lot, I see someone sitting on the bench nearby. Probably needing some fresh air just like me.

"No camera?" I ask him as I sit down on the backing of the bench and I put my feet on the actual bench.

He brushes his dark hair out of his eyes and smiles. "No camera," he repeats after me. Then he sighs and he moves up to sit just like me so he doesn't have to sit next to me feet.

Apart from the first time that I saw him at the party, I haven't seen him without a camera. This is the first time.

I've given my other joint to Joe since he got his slobber all over it so I start rolling another one and Winston watches me.

"Hold this," I tell him and our fingers brush against each other as I pass the joint to him.

I start to search my pockets for a lighter and I hope to God that I didn't leave it inside.

I eventually find it in my inside jacket pocket and I take it out. Winston's unsure what to do, he looks like he's about to put the joint between my lips himself.

"You want a hit?" I ask him and he shakes his head. "Wow, an art student that doesn't smoke. That's a new one."

I take the joint out of his hand again and I put it in between my lips as I light it with the lighter in my hand.

"How did you know I was an art student?" Winston asks me through narrowed eyes and I shrug.

"Aren't you?"

He goes to college, he's interested in paintings, he always carries a camera around and his daddy is rich so he doesn't need an actual college degree. I'm not as dumb as I look.

He shrugs and then he looks down at his shoes like he's thinking of another thing to say to me. I look forward, eyes on the building as I take another hit.

"So, what are you doing out here?" he asks me and he turns his head to the side to look at me.

I keep looking forward. "Needed some fresh air. Was getting a bit much." He nods slowly and then I turn my head to look at him. "What about you?"

He hesitates for a moment and he licks his lips nervously. It's an automatic response for me to look, it doesn't mean anything.

"Just saw someone and I need to get out," he tells me an then he sighs. "My ex-boyfriend."

Boyfriend. _Boyfriend?_ My heart stops and I try not to seem affected but... Boyfriend?

I mean, I should have known. From the way this guy dresses to the way he acts... He's just the book definition of a fag.

He seems to be able to sense how uncomfortable I am and he scoffs. "Does that bother you? You're not homophobic, are you?"

Homophobic? Okay so I find two guys fucking disgusting and I think it's really weird how gays can just go around kissing and holding hands in public but I'm not about to tell him that.

"My father was," I find myself saying for some reason and then I look down at my feet. Why the fuck am I bringing him up?

Winston doesn't seem to understand that my dad is not something I want to talk about. "And are you like your father?"

I know he probably doesn't mean it in the way I take it. But he still said it. Comparing me to that piece of shit...

I go quiet and he seems to realise he said something wrong.

"Did I-"

"Don't fucking talk about my father," I say quietly and I jump down from the bench.

I put my hands in my pockets, my head down and I start walking.

Even Anders knows not to bring my father up. No one brings my father up.

"Hey! Hey! Wait!"

But I don't stop and a moment later, I feel his hand on my arm and he stops me in place.

He stares at me and he looks right into my eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I-"

"You didn't fucking upset me," I interrupt him. I shake him off my arm and I start walking again but he keeps up with me.

"Where are you going?" he asks me and he tries his best to walk beside me even when I speed up.

My car's in the parking lot, I can't turn around and walk back and I'm too drunk to drive. I can't really do anything apart from keep walking.

"Dunno," I say and I start to slow down. "Just wanna leave this shitty party."

Winston nods like he understands but he really doesn't. He just doesn't. He's known Joe for a few weeks, I've known him for about two years. He hasn't put up with even a fraction of the shit I've had to put up with.

"Can I come with you?" Winston then asks me and I stop in my tracks. We both stop and he looks at me waiting for an answer.

He's a fag. He just told me he's a fag. Why does that not bother me? Why doesn't it make me want to beat the fuck out of him?

If I were still in high school, I probably would have hit him a long time ago. But high school seems like a distant memory. Prison? That's fresh in my mind. Guys fucked and raped each other in prison and no one said shit about it. It was kind of normalised.

I look him up and down. He definitely gets fucked, he doesn't look like he'd know how to fuck someone in the slightest. He definitely likes to get fucked.

My heart rate picks up and I have to look away to stop myself from thinking about him getting fucked. It's just really fucking disgusting.

"No," I tell him simply and I swallow hard to moisten my dry throat. "I want to be alone."

And I do. I fucking do. I need to leave before he notices.

He nods and then he tries to give me a sympathetic smile. "Alright. I'll see you whenever."

I give him a quick nod and he starts to head back to the building.

Good, he hasn't noticed. He hadn't fucking noticed.

But I noticed. And I feel the erection pressing into my jeans like its never been jerked off before.

I feel sick as I feel it throbbing inside my jeans.

I just got hard from thinking about Winston getting fucked.

I can't be doing this.


	4. A Cup of Coffee

**Four**

Leeya has no idea why I've been fucking her so much lately but she doesn't complain. I need to remind myself that I like fucking Leeya. I like fucking women.

So what if I got hard that one time? I was high and drunk and let's be honest, Winston isn't ugly. My body just reacted naturally, that's all.

But on my way to Anders office, all I can think about is that one night.

He's a fag. I should have seen it sooner. The way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me at that party... He was obviously hitting on me.

He must think I'm hot. He'd want me to fuck him. He would. He's probably thought about it before. Fuck, _I've_ thought about it. It was all I could fucking think about while I fucked Leeya. There's seriously something wrong with me.

Anders and I go through our normal weekly conversation: how I'm finding the project, anything I'd like to share with him and normal shit like that.

It goes smoothly, I haven't really done anything bad this week so Anders doesn't need to bribe people for me. Good for both of us.

"Can I ask you a question?" I ask him once he puts all his papers away and his pen is laying on the desk.

He rests his hands on his upper thighs and he shrugs. "Sure."

In the two years that I've known Anders, he's never judged me. He's been there for me, he's helped me for through shit and he's never fucking judged me. Sure, he's punished me but I deserved it. He's never treated me unfairly. He's not like my father.

"You ever thought about fucking a guy?" I ask as casually as possible. Anders looks a bit confused so I try to explain further. "Like a really _really_ attractive guy. Ever thought about fucking one?"

I really want Anders to say yes, tell me that it's normal to think about it. I mean Anders... I've had doubts about his sexuality before. He must understand.

He shrugs. "Can't say I have," he says and then he stops and states at me for a moment. "Have you?"

Anders knows when I'm lying.

"I'm not a fag," I tell him in case he's forgotten. But he just sighs and doesn't seem the slightest bit bothered.

"That's not what I asked," he tells me and he's acting like this is normal.

I mean... A lot of girls think about fucking other girls. That's normal, they don't have to be lesbian. Why can't guys do that too?

Anders is still waiting for a response but I look away and don't say anything.

"It's okay if you have," he then says and maybe I can start to believe it. "It doesn't make you gay."

Okay. That's good. I knew he'd understand. I can think about fucking guys. That's not gay. It would be gay to fuck a guy though. And I haven't done that. Even though my cock really seems to want to.

I just sit there in the chair, having no idea what to say next. I wish Anders would just tell me what to do. He's not just my agent, he's my friend too. Used to be.

"If you wanna fuck a guy... Just do it," Anders tells me with a shrug and I look back up at him. "Can't do you any harm, right?"

Oh I wish it was that fucking easy.

***

I know that he's here because I know that his dad isn't.

When the producer is around, he makes a big show of things to make sure everyone knows that he's the guy in charge. Winston, on the other hand, stays back and watches to make sure everything goes as planned.

I haven't seen him this morning yet but I have no doubt that I will. I just need to remember my conversation with Anders from last night, it's normal but if I'm not planning on fucking him then I should just let it go.

Practice goes by smoothly and even Joe stops acting like a dickhead and I'm glad that he's choosing to stay away from me.

"You okay man?" Holden asks me in the locker room as we're getting changed from our showers. "You seemed a little out of it on the pitch."

Just busy thinking about a guy I'm never going to fuck.

Matchday tomorrow. I need to keep my focus, I need to stay sharp. We'll be taking a plane to for our next match.

"I'm good," I tell Holden and he nods. He seems to be a bit more tired than usual. I'm used to seeing him with dark circles under his eyes but damn, this is too far even for him. "You sleep at all last night?"

Holden looks uncomfortable and he shrugs. "Yeah, just... Cathy called me and we just stayed up talking all night."

Cathy. Ex-girlfriend Cathy. She left him for a gay that was five times her age and Holden was a mess for months. What the hell is he doing talking to her again?

I'm scowling and Holden rolls his eyes. "She just wanted to talk, you know? Nothing else."

Yeah. Sure. Just talk.

But Holden isn't easy to argue with. Once he makes his mind up about something, that's it. There's no point trying to argue with him.

I'm putting my shoes on when Nick comes in and looks around for me. He hasn't been around me lately, Bradley thought that it would be a good idea for him to work with a number of different players. In other words: he doesn't want to be around me.

But it's cool, I don't want him around me either. At least Joe gets to feel like a celebrity having some kid follow him around and ask him about his boring life.

"Winston wants to talk to you," he then tells me and I frown. 

He wants to talk to me? About what? Does he want my approval to post a picture of me smiling on our social media again?

No one thinks anything of it, he's the producer's son and I'm the team's main selling point. Of course, he wants to talk to me.

Nick escorts me to the room that has now been remade as the producer's office, we even have the tag on the door and all. The project is slowly starting to feel more permanent. 

Nick lifts his hand to knock on the door but I just push down on the handle and I open the door. He's already expecting me, there's no point making him wait.

He's stood by the desk, camera in hand and he looks up and motions Nick out of the room with his free hand.

"What is it?" I ask once Nick leaves the room and shuts the door behind him. 

Winston looks up from behind the camera and he puts it down on the desk. "Oh, hey." Why is he acting surprised when he's the one who wanted me here? 

"What is it?" I repeat impatiently. I try to push any thoughts I've had about fucking him to the back of my head. He doesn't need to know about that, _I_ don't need to know about it.

"I was wondering if you'd be up for another interview," Winston says and I raise an eyebrow. Does he not remember how my last interview went? He was in the room, he should know that this isn't a good idea.

"I just had one recently. Remember?"

He shrugs and then he licks his lips as if preparing himself for what he's about to say next. "I know but... I think we chose the wrong questions to ask last time. Don't you think?"

So I tell him one piece of information about my dad and he suddenly thinks he deserves to know everything else about me? Who is this interview really for? The club, or him?

I clench my fists before I can throw a tantrum about having to do another interview, I bet Anders could get me out of doing this. "Ask Joe instead," I say with a shrug. "I'm sure he'd love to be interviewed."

Winston rolls his eyes like I'm some stupid kid that's not understanding what he's telling me. "We've already interviewed Joe. Four times. In the past two weeks."

Sounds like Joey, always wanting to be the centre of attention even though he's barely played ten minutes this season. 

"Interview him again," I say sternly and Winston stares at me. He's the producer's son, anyone else would do as he tells them. But I'm Montgomery de la Cruz, I don't have to do anything I don't want to. He should know that by now.

"Why are you being so fucking difficult?" Winston then says angrily and he steps away from his desk and he crosses his arms around his chest. If this was anyone else, I'd already be firing him and storming out of the room. But producer's son yada yada yada. "It's just a fucking interview, stop acting like a child."

Just a fucking interview? Wrong. I say the wrong thing, I look the wrong way, I react to a question too harshly and then everything's over. One lie falls apart and then so does everything else, everything will be over.

"Shut the fuck up," I tell him and he raises his eyebrows as I stare at him. "Interview someone else, I don't have time for this bullshit."

I wonder if there's anything Anders can do to make sure this kid doesn't come anywhere near me ever again. A restraining order maybe. He should be able to get that sorted out.

I turn my back on him and I start walking towards the door and I hear him walking towards him.

"So you're just gonna leave?" he shouts after me and I stop in place. "You're just gonna storm out like a fucking _child?"_

That's it. This _fucker_ I swear to God. What gives him the right to talk to me like this?

I spin around and I march towards him. He doesn't stir, I was hoping he might at least stumble back a bit. But he stands his ground. 

I grab a fistful of his shirt and I push him back against the desk and that's when he looks just a teensy bit scared. I'm not really sure what the plan is but hitting him doesn't sound like the smart thing to do.

"Speak to me once again and I'll smash your pretty fucking face in," I hiss as I stare into his eyes. He stares back and he looks more angry than scared. He should be fucking scared of me. I've hit fuckers for less. He should be thanking me that I'm just threatening him.

He clenches his jaw and I press my lips together. We stay like that for a second or two, me glaring into his eyes so he understands that I mean what I say. I will beat the fuck out of him if he ever tries to pull something like this ever again. Me? A fucking child? Fuck you.

I eventually let go of his shirt and I scoff and shake my head before turning away from him. I hope he's learned his fucking lesson.

***

"Wow, sounds like he's obsessed with you," Joey tells me and I'm glad that at least one of us finds this funny. 

We're hanging out at my house again, Leeya has locked herself away in my bedroom to do some of her college work in silence while we talk in the living room. Leo is supposed to be here but he gave us some shitty excuse and he said he can't come. I'm used to Holden coming up with excuses, but not Leo. Leo always has time to sit down and have a drink with me.

I've been ranting to them about Winston for the past half an hour or so and they just listened patiently. Holden and I sit on one couch and Joey sits on the one opposite us. Why the fuck am I hanging out with Joe? I must be really desperate for friends.

"He's a fag, you know," I tell them as I take a sip of my drink. Joe stares at me and almost chokes on his own drink. "He told me."

He told me and here I am telling other people about it. I shouldn't feel guilty but I do.

Joey can't stop laughing and he raises his eyebrows at me. "Wow, he's definitely in love with you. He was probably hoping for a fuck with the great Monty de la Cruz."

I laugh along with Joe and Holden rolls his eyes at us. Yeah, me fucking a guy? As if that would ever happen.

"You two are such fucking idiots," Holden says and he rubs his temple with one hand. Joe and I stop laughing and we stare at him. "Just 'cos he's gay doesn't mean he's in love with you."

I raise an eyebrow at Joe and he makes a face. What's got Holden so upset about this? I can't make jokes now? Since when?

"Have you listened to a word Monty's said?" Joe asks standing up for me and himself too. "The kid's in love with him full stop. He wants Monty to fuck his brains out."

I shift uncomfortably on the couch as just the thought of me fucking Winston starts to make me feel hot all over. I thought we already went over this. I'm not in love with the fucking kid and I certainly am not going to be fucking him. Ever.

Holden sighs again and shakes his head lightly. "It's the 21st fucking century and you're acting like two guys fucking is the most disgusting thing you can think of."

I stare at Holden and I blink. So he doesn't think this is weird? Anders didn't think it was weird and now Holden doesn't think it's weird.

"Kind of is," Joe then interrupts my thoughts and I crash back down into reality. Yeah, it is disgusting. "I mean, just think about it. Where is the other cock supposed to go?"

We stare at Holden and I expect him to roll his eyes and call us idiots again but he just shrugs. "You jerk him off with your hand while fucking him. Or he jerks himself off."

That weird feeling in my stomach is back and I shift once again. We've all gone quiet and Joe sighs in annoyance. Neither of us knows what to say now and I clear my throat.

"You ever fuck a guy?" I ask Holden and I swallow to moisten my dry throat.

Holden shrugs like it's no big deal. "A few times."

Good to know. Really fucking great to know. It's not Anders that I should have asked for advice.

Joe looks around uncomfortably. "But... But you fuck girls."

"I fuck both," Holden says and he makes it seem so normal. Maybe I can do that too. Fuck both. It's an option.

***

We're flying to Portland for our next match. It's a two-hour flight so most of us decide to stay awake even though there are some players sitting at the back of the plane and trying to sleep.

Soon we'll be getting off the plane, getting on the coach and then driving to our hotel. From there, we'll have supper and then we're going to bed and sleeping until it's time to drive to the stadium for the game.

Normally, there's enough room on our plane for everyone to have two seats to themselves but with the cameras crew round, some of us have to sit together. I get the luxury of sitting alone.

I sit alone, headphones on and I look at my phone. I've got my statistics on the screen, an average of 1.8 goals per game. It's good, but it could be better. Three assists, all of them for Leo. It doesn't say that but I know they're all for Leo. I'd rather shoot myself and miss than pass to someone else and let them score. Unless it's Leo, he's the exception. He's getting old and he needs a little help to score.

I look up from my phone screen. Leo and Joey are playing a game of cards with two other guys. It's hard to play cards on a plane because you're all sat awkwardly trying to hide your cards and I'm pretty sure Leo is cheating and looking at one of the guy's cards in the reflection in the window but I don't say anything.

Holden's sat across the aisle from me, also alone. He's sleeping but I'm used to that by now. He's a busy boy, he deserves to sleep.

Winston's been keeping his distance, he didn't even look at me when I passed him to get on the plane. I don't blame him. I wanted him to be scared of me and it looks like I just managed to piss him off.

I think he's sat somewhere at the back, sleeping. Obviously the producer can't come with us, a two-day trip? He barely has the time to come in for half an hour. It looks like Winston will be going with us on all our away games. 

An hour or so later, we're getting off the plane and the crew comes off first to take photos of us as we get out and walk to the coach. 

Joe makes a big show out of it the dickhead. He walks down the stairs, ignoring the cameras and then he waves and smiles once he's walking away. 

I keep my head down, away from the cameras as I walk past and I already know that my photos won't be going on our social media accounts. Anyone that even looks slightly unhappy or tired is immediately ruining their chances of having their photo on our Instagram.

The coach ride is even more tiring than the flight. This time I have to sit next to Holden, Leo and Joey seem quite cosy sitting together. 

It's a half an hour drive to the hotel and Holden decides to sleep again. He falls asleep with his head on my shoulder and I can't move a muscle for a full half an hour, maybe even more because we got stuck in traffic.

My whole body is stiff and hurting and I'm about to get a headache from all the screaming fans standing outside our hotel.

All my teammates have left the bus a while ago and I'm still sitting here, resting my forehead against the seat in front of me. I look out of the tinted window and I see Joe taking pictures with fans and laughing at everything they say. Fuck, he's such a try-hard.

"Bradley's looking for you."

Not him again. I thought I told him not to speak to me again.

I turn my head the other way and Winston's leaning against a row of seats on the coach, I roll my eyes. I plan on staying here until all the screaming teenage girls that are just here for Joey are gone.

"Should I start running now or are you over your plans to 'smash my pretty face in'?" Winston asks with a smug grin on his face and I glare at him. I didn't fucking call him pretty. Fag.

"Tell Bradley to go fuck himself," I say and I turn my head to the window again. Leo's already gone inside, Holden's been gone for a while now but Joey still stands there making conversation with some girl that I'm pretty sure is underage. Our crew and hotel security stand by the sides ready to push any eager fans out of Joe's way. I think Joe's the eager one.

Winston snorts softly. I'm surprised he's got no issue being alone on this bus with me. Why the fuck is he not scared of me? What am I doing wrong?

"Who are you more scared of? The teenage girls or the forty-year-old men?" Winston jokes and I feel him moving closer to me. I'm aware that he's standing next to my seat and he's looking out of the window just as I am.

I don't reply and Winston continues. "I'll shield you. Come on, I can-"

"You think this is fucking funny?" I bark at him and I turn my head to look at him. The grin on his face slowly vanishes and he licks his lips nervously. Why does he always fucking looking at me like that when he licks his fucking lips? Fucking twink.

He's been around us for a few weeks, I've been going through this for almost two years. Two fucking years of this bullshit, of dealing with screaming fans and pushy paparazzi.

"Sorry," Winston says quietly when he sees my hardened face and then he sighs softly. "I didn't mean to..."

I could tell him that it's fine and I could just get off the bus with him but I don't feel like being nice to him.

"Tell Bradley I'll be out in a minute," I say and Winston hesitates. He was probably hoping he'd be the one that gets me off this coach. But I'm going to step out alone. Like I always do.

***

The day started off as a disaster before it even began. 

First I woke up with a boner from some stupid dream I had and then I couldn't jerk off without thinking about Winston and wondering whether he was sharing his room with someone or if he was alone. Who gives a fuck, I had my room all to myself and I could have just invited him over if I wasn't such a coward.

I took a cold shower instead and then I walked around annoyed all day because I couldn't get off without thinking about some twink that pisses the shit out of me. I even snapped at Holden at breakfast. Holden, out of all people. I'm gonna have to fucking apologise later when I have time.

We're walking back to our coach, the game starts in about three, maybe two hours and we need to warm up. It'll take us more than half an hour to get there because of traffic.

Joe is by my side, he's telling me something about some girl he met last night and I just tune him out. My hands are full, one is holding my phone and the other is holding one of Bradley's playbooks that I'll be using on the coach to find out which player would be a good replacement for Leo. Because it sure as hell won't be Joe.

"Fuck. That's her," Joe says and he stops us as we walk out of the hotel. He nods to the direction of a group of girls but I don't even ask which one of them he's talking about. "Hold this. Meet you on the coach."

He throws his coffee cup into my hands without even asking and then he fucking walks off. Son of a bitch.

I try to balance the coffee cup on top of Bradley's playbook but it moves around a lot so I just hold it in the same hand as my phone.

I start walking towards the coach and one of the fucking crew guys points his fucking camera right at me and snaps a picture. I wasn't expecting it, I was scowling and looking down and any normal fucking person with a brain would know not to take a picture of me.

I drop the paper cup on the ground and coffee splatters my shoes and the bottom of my joggers. I stare down at the mess at my feet and it's dead silent around us. Even the fans have stopped talking and they're all staring at me.

"Fuck!" I throw Bradley's book to the ground onto the pile of hot coffee and then I kick it angrily into the direction of our fans. Fuck. The fans. They saw everything.

No one moves, unsure of what to do. The guy who took the picture of me looks horrified and I'm about to rush forward and smash his head against the curb when I hear Leo's voice.

"Okay, okay. Show's over guys," Leo says and he jumps off the coach and walks over to join me standing by the side. "Go back to doing... whatever."

He waves our crew away and they take a few steps back and point their cameras somewhere else.

I don't know what came over me. Just fucking lost myself and started acting out because I dropped Joe's coffee.

"Come on, let's get on the coach," Leo says quietly so that only I can hear. He throws his arm over my shoulder and then he leads me towards the coach. He smiles at the fans that still look shocked at what I did. I don't even want to look at them.

How the fuck am I ever going to find Leo's replacement?

***

I manage to take most of my anger out on the field and we win the game 2-0. My two goals are enough to make everyone forget about my outburst by the coach. Well, almost everyone.

Anders calls me right after the game before I even get the chance to get changed.

"What the fuck was that?" Anders asks me as soon as I pick up.

I stand in the corridor outside our changing room and I roll my eyes. "Hello to you too. And thanks, I know those two goals were great."

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Anders shouts into the phone and I slowly move down the wall and I sit on the floor with my back against the wall. "It's all over social media, your silly little outburst. What the fuck were you thinking? In front of the fans as well? I understand if you had just dropped the cup but did you really have to-"

And I hang up on him. No one wants to listen to that nonsense. I fucked up, I know. Anders screaming at me won't help anything. 

I close my eyes and I lean my head against the wall. I can hear the excited laughter and shouting coming from our locker room and I smile to myself. Who cares what I behave like as long as we keep winning the league. It's not like the table depends on my behaviour.

"Not celebrating with the rest?"

I open my eyes and I see Winston standing over me, a cup of coffee in his hand.

"PTSD?" he asks when he notices me staring at the cup in his hand. I chuckle lightly and he smiles softly like he's glad that he was able to make me laugh.

Winston wasn't around when the whole mess happened, but he knows just as much as everyone else. Leo, Joe and everyone else, they haven't mentioned it since we got on the coach. And here is Winston, making jokes about it.

He hesitates and then he moves over to sit next to me on the floor. He puts the cup to the side and we stare at the white wall opposite us.

"So what are you doing out here?" he asks me. I should be in the locker room, celebrating and chanting with the rest because it's practically all because of me that we can even celebrate.

Winston turns his head and he stares at me. His shoulder is touching mine and I get that weird feeling again. The one I got when Holden was explaining how two guys are meant to fuck. 

"Had to take a call from my agent," I say and I hesitate before looking to the side at him. "About... you know."

Winston nods slowly. "Right. So what did he say?"

I scoff. "That he regrets ever meeting me," I say. He didn't exactly say it. But he meant it, he's been wanting to say it for weeks now.

"Oh. I'm sorry," Winston says softly and he looks down and then back up at me again. "All that over one cup of coffee, huh?"

He chuckles softly and I glare at him. "You think it's funny?"

He raises an eyebrow and I wait. I want to know if he'll change his opinion just because I called him out on it. Everyone else does.

"A bit," Winston says quietly and I start to smile. He's not like everyone else, I should have known.

"Yeah me too," I say and I sigh. Then he grins back at me and we burst out laughing. It's not fucking funny, my reputation is tarnished, at least for a little while. And here we are laughing about it. I never did give a damn about my bad reputation. But I got back up from worse shit before.

We sit without saying anything for a couple of seconds and then Winston brings his knees up to his chin which makes him look even smaller than he really is.

"You know," I tell him. "You're alright. For a twink."

I can't believe I was threatening him just a couple of days ago. 

I expect him to take it as a compliment but he frowns. "You can't say that."

"Say what?" I ask and I stare at him in confusion.

"'Twink'," Winston tells me. "It's a homophobic slur, just like 'fag'. You shouldn't say it."

Normally I'd tell him to fuck off and that I'll say whatever the fuck I want to say. But he looks kind of upset and nervous and I think it's best to just apologise.

"Sorry," I say quietly and he just nods.

"Just don't say it," he repeats quietly and he presses his lips into his knees. I have a feeling he's keeping something from me. 

But so am I. We're all keeping secrets.


	5. Trust and Lies

**Five**

The coffee incident is long forgotten about. Two weeks is a long time, social media has since found a hundred other things to obsess over.

I need to keep my cool. I need to stop annoying Anders, I need to stop arguing with Joey. I need to focus on the game.

Minnesota United FC got their ass handed to them last night and even though we shouldn't have, almost the whole team stayed up to watch the game. They're our biggest threat and now that they lost last night's game, the whole team is in a really good mood.

Joe starts talking about playoffs in the locker room, telling us how _I'm_ going to be the one to get them there the second year in a row. Yeah, last year it really was all up to me. The team cheers for me and I try my best to smile but in reality, I hate Joe for putting that kind of pressure on me.

The fucker barely does anything for the team and he acts like some sort of star. The only thing he's good for is bringing in the teenage girls to the audience. At least then our attendance isn't low.

"Don't listen to him," Holden tells me as I sit down to tie my laces. "You know how overly excited he gets."

Yeah, I know. But now the whole team is looking at me like I'm some sort of God that's the answer to all their problems.

Holden means well, he wants to help but he doesn't take the right approach.

"You're gonna smash those fuckers out there," Leo tells me and he puts his hands on my tense shoulders. "We're gonna smash them. I'll be by your side the whole way through. And even if Bradley subs me off, I won't take my eyes off of you from the bench."

I relax a bit. Leo will be there to support me. He knows what the right thing to say is. But then he also makes me worry. Bradley has been substituting him off more and more recently and I had to deal with having Joe play next to me. I try not to mind and get used to it, I'm slowly coming to the realisation that Leo might not be playing for much longer, but Joe doesn't have what it takes to fill Leo's shoes. Neither does Holden.

I try my best to keep my head down as we walk out onto the pitch. I know that Winston is somewhere in the audience, watching me through his camera and snapping a million pictures a second.

I think we're friends, me and him. It's gotten easier to talk to him now that he knows to avoid certain subjects and I try my best to avoid using certain words.

He doesn't treat me like a God like the rest of the crew does, he treats me like a friend. Only a few days ago I sat in his office and I told him about some problems Leeya and I have been facing. She wants to move in with me and I don't think that's a good idea. I like living on my own.

He gave me some pretty good advice and any thoughts I've previously had about him are long gone. He's a good friend to have.

The game is not off to a good start. First, Leo gets tackled immediately after I kick the ball to him and he falls to the ground with a loud thud. And then the referee won't even fucking listen to me. 

"That's a fucking yellow card!" I'm not sure if it is but saying it confidently gives you more of a chance of convincing the ref. But he won't listen to me, he tells me that only the captain is allowed to talk to him. Those new fucking rules I swear to God.

But Leo is the captain and he's too busy rolling around on the floor trying to convince the ref that he has been severely hurt and we deserve a free-kick. Sly fucker, he knows all the tricks after playing in Europe.

The referee doesn't give out any yellow cards or free kicks but he does give me a warning and tells me to stop wasting time.

Then I score a goal in like the 22nd minute but the assistant referee at the sidelines lifts his flag to tell me that I was offside. Why didn't the main referee blow his whistle to stop me before I could shoot? I just get more and more pissed off as the game continues.

Leo has to come over and calm me down before I can argue with the ref again and I'm so fucking glad he's playing instead of Joe.

During the 34th minute, we're awarded a corner kick. The opposition's left-back marks me and I try my best to get out from behind him so I can maybe even header Leo's corner kick in but this guy just won't stop.

So I'm not going to either. Leo waits for the whistle to tell him he can start and all the guys (including me) by the goal move around trying their best to find an empty space.

Then the whistle blows and the guy pushes me out of the way so I don't have a chance at even kicking the ball towards the net.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I bark at him after getting up off the ground with no hesitation.

Leo's corner kick did nothing for us, the opposition already has the ball and is running towards our own goal with it but I stay where I am.

"Don't speak to me you fucking dirty Mexican," the guy spits at me and my eyes fill with red. All I can see is red.

Mexican? I'm fucking Portuguese.

I push him to the ground with all the strength I have in my body and then I jump right on top of him.

Their goalkeeper notices and he starts shouting over at the ref to blow the whistle and stop the game. But I've already got one hand holding onto the guy's shirt and I'm punching him repeatedly with my other fist.

***

I wish I could say that it all went smoothly after that. You know, your typical 'fight got separated by the guys on the pitch and then I got sent off with a red card' but that's just not what happened.

Of course, I got sent off with a red card, but not before the whole team got dragged into the fight.

The goalie didn't know how to separate us since he wasn't strong enough to push me off and he started choking me from behind. I continued punching the guy underneath me even with the goalie's hands around my neck.

Leo came over first and he pushed the goalie off of me. Leo and the goalie then got into an argument and started a fight of their own by pushing each other around.

Holden eventually managed to pull me off of the defender and I managed to catch a glimpse of his beat-up face. Leo was right, we really did smash some fuckers.

Both of the teams came over to Leo's push and shove fight to separate them and then somehow they managed to make it into an even bigger push and shove fight. Holden would have been able to stop the whole fight by just walking into the middle and separating everyone but he was busy holding me back.

The game was stopped for about twenty minutes while the referees tried to figure out what to do. I was dragged away to the sidelines by Holden and Bradley and they tried to get me to cool down but all I could see was red. Red everywhere. Red on my hands, red on the pitch, red on my soccer kit.

So yeah, I got a red card and I was sent off. I'm not sure what they did with the rest of the team because I just stormed down the tunnel and into our locker room.

The game is playing on the TV in the locker room and I have half a mind to throw something at it until it breaks but Anders wouldn't like that. Fuck. Anders. He's going to fucking kill me. I have no doubt that he'll leave this time. This is the last straw.

Anders is going to leave me. He's going to fucking leave me just like everyone else. Leo is going to fucking leave me. They're all going to fucking leave me. I try to sit down on the bench but I have trouble concentrating on anything. The floor moves beneath my feet and nothing appears to be steady. I'm just sure of one thing: I'm going to end up alone and everyone will leave.

My throat feels tight and I breathe in deeper to try to get as much oxygen as possible in but it just seems to make things worse and I start to panic.

I can't fucking breathe. I breathe in and out but I take none of it in. I'm going to die in this fucking locker room and then they'll all feel bad for wanting to leave me.

I curl up into a ball and I try to regulate my breathing but my throat feels dry and I'm starting to feel dizzy. I have no doubt that I'll be dead soon.

"What the hell happened out there? Brad-"

And then Winston stops in the open doorway when he sees me curled up on the floor having trouble to breathe.

So this is who I'm going to spend my last moments with.

"I think I'm dying," I tell him as he sinks to his knees beside me and stares at my face.

"You're not dying," he says calmly and then I feel his hand on mine. "You're just panicking. Come on, you just need to focus on your breathing."

But I _am_ fucking focusing on my breathing. It's the only damn thing I can focus on. In and out in and out. In out in out.

"No," Winston tells me and he squeezes my hand. "Breathe with me. Come on, copy me."

But he's breathing too slowly and I can't do that. Does he want me to fucking die?

"Monty," he says sternly and I try my best to focus on his face. "You can do this. Just focus on my breathing."

My breathing starts to slow down after a while as I stare at his lips and I copy his breathing pattern.

"Good job," Winston says like I'm some kind of child that needs praise to keep going. But it seems to be working. "Keep going. I'm proud of you."

And slowly, my breathing gets back to normal. My lips feel kind of tingly and my head is still spinning but I seem to be able to breathe okay. For now at least.

Winston is still holding my sweaty hand in his and he's staring at my face. "How are you feeling?"

"Like shit," I say and I pull my hand out of his grasp. He doesn't object and he lets his hand rest on his knee.

I straighten up and I sit with my back against the bench and my arms resting on top of my knees. He came in here to check up on me and he has, so why is he still here?

"I thought they were gonna leave," I find myself telling him and he blinks at me.

"Who?"

"Everyone."

Winston stares at me and he clears his throat. He could straighten up and sit beside me but he chooses to stay sat down in front of me on the floor.

"I always fucking mess up and they all leave," I sat quietly and I look down at the ground. Even Estela, my own sister who I thought was never going to leave me eventually left. She wants nothing to do with me now and for good reason.

"I'm not gonna leave," Winston says and I scoff. It's the kind of pathetic gay shit you'd expect him to say. But he doesn't know me and sooner or later he'll leave just like everyone else. What's he got to stay for anyway?

"You are," I say with a smile on my face. "Trust me, you are."

Winston glares at me. "I don't think you get to decide that for me," he says and I blink at him. Would he really stay? Even if he knew how fucked up I really am?

Anders knows about my past and he didn't leave. He stayed and vowed to help me improve. Leo found out about my past and he brushed it off like it was nothing. We were both drunk when he found out. Bradley knows about all the shit I've done but he never brings it up, he knows that it's better to keep it buried. But he doesn't leave because of it.

"I've done... A lot of fucked up shit in my life," I tell Winston as I push my hair back.

"Haven't we all?" he says with a light shrug but he doesn't understand. His definition of messing up in life is probably coming back home long after his curfew and smelling of weed and cheap whiskey. He's a kid still. He's my age but he's a kid. I was never a kid.

I scoff softly to myself. He doesn't know the definition of 'fucked up', he hasn't seen what I have.

"Have you ever had one before?" Winston then asks me interrupting my thoughts. I stare at him with my eyebrows furrowed. "A panic attack. Was that your first one or-"

"It wasn't a fucking panic attack," I scoff. A panic attack? Yeah right. I was just a bit out of it that's all. He doesn't need to make this into such a big deal.

"Monty..." he says and I glare at him. I hate how he pronounces my name, always dropping the 't' and making my name sound ridiculous. I don't point it out though.

"Nothing happened," I tell him and I start to stand up. "Okay? Nothing fucking happened. You keep your mouth shut about this."

He looks up at me like he feels sorry for me and I can already feel the anger inside of me growing. Why does he always have to piss me off? 

"Nothing. Fucking. Happened," I say slowly so he understands. "Understood?"

He nods. "Yeah. I understand."

***

Apparently not though.

The fucker blabbed to Anders the first chance he got and now he's acting like I'm mentally disturbed or some shit. At this point, I'd rather have him tell me off for the fight I caused on the field.

"Do you maybe need to talk to someone? A professional?" he asks and he sits down on my couch. You know it's serious when he comes to my house to talk.

"For fuck's sake," I mutter. I refuse to sit down and I just stand in the middle of my living room with my messy hair and my bare chest. I was asleep before Anders came here and I'm planning on going right back to sleep when he leaves. 

"I'm just worried about you," Anders says and I shake my head at how ridiculous this is.

"What's going on?" Leeya comes out of my bedroom and she looks at me first and then at Anders.

"Nothing," I say. "Go back to bed. I'll be with you in a minute."

"Monty had a panic attack yesterday," Anders tells her and her eyes widen. This fucking dickhead.

"I didn't!" 

And now they're both staring at me like I need help. Fuck you, Winston Williams.

"I don't think you're okay," Anders tells me. When have I ever been okay? I can't remember one moment in my life when I've truly felt okay. There's always something for me to fucking worry about. "I really think that-"

"I don't care what you fucking think!" I shout at him and I see Leeya flinch and slowly move back into my bedroom. "I couldn't give a fuck about what you think! So you can say whatever the fuck you want and it won't make a fucking difference! Leave me the _fuck_ alone!"

I don't care that I have no shirt on, I don't care that I'm still wearing just the sweatpants that I sleep in and that my hair is a mess. I storm past the couch that Ander is sitting on and I run into the hallway where I put some shoes on and I grab a sweatshirt which I only manage to put on outside because I don't want Anders following me and dragging me back inside. I don't have time to stop. 

I hear Anders' voice shouting after me once I get in the elevator. He walks out of my apartment and looks around just as the elevator door closes.

I show him the middle finger. And then I'm gone.

***

I've been driving around for possibly half an hour. I knew exactly where I wanted to go, I just thought it was best to calm down before I went to see him.

I know where Winston lives, he's given me his address in case I ever needed to talk after the whole Leeya thing but I've never actually been to his apartment.

I get strange looks thrown my way from people as I walk into the building. I'm not surprised, my chest is exposed because the sweatshirt isn't zipped up properly, my hair is sticking up in all direction and the dark circles under my eyes are so dark you could probably see them from space. I really didn't get much sleep last night.

I knock on the door once. I wait two seconds and there's no response. I knock again, louder and harder this time and I keep on knocking until I hear the lock turning on the other side of the door.

"Jesus, what the-"

And he stops mid-sentence when he sees me standing in front of him. He gapes at me like an idiot and I could punch him right there and then. He should have known not to tell Anders.

It looks like he just woke up, he's wearing a pair of black short and a grey T-shirt and his curls are all over the place.

"What part of 'keep your mouth shut' did you not understand?" I ask as I barge past him and walk inside without an invitation. I don't really think I need one.

Winston slowly shuts the door behind me like he's not sure whether being alone with me here is the best idea. 

"I'm waiting," I say and I let my arms swing by my sides. Then I remember that nothing is really covering my chest and I look like I just woke up. 

"I was worried about you," he says quietly and he stands in front of me. "I'm worried about you right now."

I scoff. Right now? I'm only like this because of him in the first place. If he had kept his goddamn mouth shut, I would still be sleeping. I would be coming to Anders' office in the afternoon, he'd scream at me for the fight and then I'd continue with my day. There would be no talk of therapy.

"This is all your fucking fault," I tell him and he makes a face at me.

"My _fault?"_ he asks and he takes a step towards me. "Here I am, trying to help you and you can't even-"

I grab a fistful of his grey T-shirt and I shove him back against the door that I just came in from. The back of his head bangs against the door and he looks shocked for a second and then his face starts to relax. But his breathing gets heavier and I can feel how tense he is.

We've been here before, I pushed him up against his desk in his office and he had the same expression on his face. Now, he looks even less scared than he did then.

"Help me?" I repeat harshly and I see his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallows. 

He doesn't reply, he just stares into my eyes and slowly, my breathing starts to regulate.

"Hit me then," Winston says and I frown. What? He _wants_ me to hurt him? "If it makes you feel better. Do it. _Hit_ me."

I suck in my bottom lip as I try to figure out what to do. I'm not gonna fucking hit him, I'm not stupid. His eyes rest on my lips for a split second and I can't help but stare at his for more than a few seconds.

Eventually, I let go of him and I step away from him. Only then does it feel like I can start breathing properly.

I don't understand why he's still hanging around. He should probably call the cops on me to drag me out of here. He should be fucking scared of me.

But instead, he puts his hand on my shoulder from behind and I flinch at his touch.

"What are you doing?" I ask him and I shrug him off my shoulder. He stares at me like someone would look at a maths problem and he bites his bottom lip.

"I just..." he says and he tilts his head to the side. "I'm just trying to understand."

"Understand what?" I ask and I swallow hard preparing myself for the answer.

"Why you want everyone to hate you so badly," he says and he slowly shakes his head. "I don't understand it."

Yeah, he wouldn't. Like I said, he's just a kid. My dad made me hate myself, he trained me how to push people away. At this point, it's more automatic than a reflex.

"Is it because... people leave?" Winston asks me and he starts chewing on his bottom lip nervously. I fucking wish he didn't find me in that locker room. Everything would be so much easier if he hadn't.

I don't answer and I stare down at the floor. After a minute of awkward silence, I just sigh and I walk over to the couch. I sit down and I hang my head. I don't want people to hate me. I want them to be scared of me but to respect me. I don't want them to hate me. But Winston wouldn't understand that.

"I don't want people to hate me," I say quietly and I feel my heart pounding in my chest. Why am I telling him this? He already proved that he can't keep his mouth shut and for some reason, I trust him with this. "I just..."

"Don't want them to get attached?" Winston finishes for me and he slowly starts walking over to the couch. He wanted an interview? He's gonna get a fucking interview.

I look up at him and he sighs softly. He maintains eye contact for a few seconds and then he sits down on the couch next to me.

"I..." I say and then I lean back in the couch. "If you act in a way that makes everyone around you believe the worst of you, then they won't be surprised when you finally do the worst. You know? You have no one to disappoint."

I let my head roll to the side to look at him and he raises eye eyebrow.

"And what could you possibly do that would disappoint so many people?" he asks. "It seems like everyone around you is willing to forgive you anything."

Yeah. That's because they already have. They know what I did, they know about my past and somehow they still want to be around me. Not everyone knows. Holden, Joe and Leeya don't know. And I'm trying to keep it that way.

"There's stuff that I..." I say and I shake my head. I can't tell him any of this. I can't. "There's stuff that I never wanna talk about."

I don't wanna talk to him. I don't trust him and I don't like him. But he doesn't get the hint. 

"You can tell me, I'm not going to judge you," he says and I glare at him. Yeah, I can, but I don't want to. What does he not understand? 

I scoff and I look back up at the ceiling. If I tell him... then he'd know. He'd know and he'd be reminded of it every time he looks at me. Maybe that will finally push him away.

Fuck it.

"There was this car accident..." I say slowly and I'm glad that I can't see his face. I can just tell myself that it's just me in the room. No one else. Only I can hear what I'm saying. I'm used to that, this is what goes on in my head 24/7.

Winston doesn't interrupt me and I lick my dry lips nervously.

"I was... I wasn't drunk, exactly," I say and it's just one of the many excuses I've made up in my head. It's all I can think about, if I had done something different, if we had set off a few minutes before or after... Would it have changed anything? So many what-ifs.

"But I wasn't exactly sober either," I say. I think I've snorted some coke that night. I shouldn't have been driving and if anyone knew that, they wouldn't have let me drive. But I was a fucking dumb, ignorant brat and I thought that everything would be fine. 

"My sister, she was in the car, and she noticed that something was wrong with me..." I say and then I stop. What am I doing? Why am I telling him this? He doesn't fucking deserve to know.

"I crashed the car," I say simply and then I start to stand up. It's not exactly a lie. Maybe it would have been better if I did crash the car, then it would be clear whether it was my fault or not, we'd know who to put the blame on.

Winston stares at me. He's confused. I just skipped half on the story and ended it with a lie and now I'm leaving. 

"Where are you going?"

I shrug. "No fucking idea."

But I'm not staying here that's for sure. I hate how he's choosing not to talk about what I just told him. Is this not good enough for him? Was he expecting some tragic story?

I take one last look at him and then I turn on my heel getting ready to leave.

"Wait, let me come with you," Winston then says and I hear him getting up from the couch. 

What the fuck is wrong with this kid? I just told him that I crashed my car with my sister inside and his first response is that he wants to hang out with me? He's seriously fucked up. Daddy Issues? Maybe.

I turn around and I consider it. Spending a whole day with him? Spending a whole day messing around and going wherever I want? He won't complain, he'll just do whatever I tell him to do. Might be a good distraction from Anders and all the bullshit that's currently going on.

"Just let me get changed and I'll be right back," Winston says. I haven't even agreed but it looks like he's made my mind up for me. I don't mind it for now.

"Okay," I say and he gives me one last nod before going to get changed.

So I guess we're really doing this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked this one :)


	6. Weed and Strawberry Ice Cream

**Six**

"Bikes? Are you kidding?"

There's my car and then there's his car and this guy rented bikes for us? This is not how I wanted to start off my day. But then again, my day started hours ago with Anders coming to talk to me about therapy.

Winston gets onto his bike with ease, almost like it's automatic and I just stand there holding onto the railing of my own bike. I'm still kind of hoping this is a joke.

"Come on, get on the bike," Winston says as he rides forward on his bike and then he loops around me. I frown and Winston raises an eyebrow. "Unless you don't know how to ride a bike?"

"Fuck you," I say and I swing my leg onto the other side of the bike before sitting down on the saddle. I never had a bike of my own, but I had friends who did and that was good enough. The last time I rode a bike, I must have been about fourteen.

I _am_ kind of rusty, I start to pedal and the bike wobbles. Winston watches me as he makes loops around me. Show off.

"Maybe we should get you some training wheels," Winston jokes as I start to move on the bike with him by my side. I know I'm slow and he's trying his best to stay at my pace and not move ahead.

"Fuck you," I say again and I dare to let go off the bike with one hand and push him. He doesn't even wobble on his bike. He just laughs and stays balanced on his bike.

We're in the middle of LA and this guy really just rented some bikes for us. I thought it was ridiculous, I'm still just wearing the joggers that I slept in but I borrowed one of Winston's bigger T-shirts. It's a bit tight on me but it's better than nothing. People don't stop to look when we drive past but that's the beauty of LA. Everyone here wants to feel important, wants to feel like a celebrity, they're not going to stop someone in the middle of the road and ask for a picture. They don't want to look like stupid fans.

I have no idea where we're going, Winston is just leading the way and I follow him. We get out of the busy part of LA after a while and we get into a quiet space between two parks where there are moms with toddlers and old men walking their dogs.

Winston greets them with a smile and a 'good morning' like he knows them. I don't understand why he's bothering to talk to these people.

I stumble on my bike and nearly fall onto the toddler that's running past with an ice cream in his hand.

"Fuck. Fuck, sorry," I say to him as I put my foot down on the ground to stabilise myself. Winston stops on his own bike after hearing me apologise and the toddler's mother glares at me. 

"I didn't try to floor him on purpose," I shout after her once she grabs the kid's hand and drags him away from me like I'm some kind of predator.

Winston chuckles to himself and shakes his head. "It amazes me how someone like you can be this bad at social interactions."

I scrunch my nose up as I get back on my bike and start riding again. "What do you mean 'someone like me'?"

Someone like me? What, a soccer player? A twenty-year-old? An asshole? 

Winston is by my side on his own bike and he shrugs. "Don't you have to deal with interviews and tons of people almost every day?" he asks. "I thought that would improve your interactions with other people."

I raise an eyebrow. "You've seen me during an interview," I remind him. We both know how that went. I'm even more of an asshole to interviewers than I am to strangers. It's not like I do it on purpose, words just come out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"Fair point," Winston says and moves ahead of me.

Riding a bicycle isn't that bad. It's always recommended that soccer players do it regularly, it strengths the legs and it's supposed to be relaxing. I never had time to do it. I might start. 

Anders is gonna be even more pissed after today. Not only did I walk out on him, I showed him the middle finger and now I'm going to be missing practice to hang out with the producer's son. Fuck this is kinda funny though.

Winston stares at me as I laugh and start pedalling faster. I'm Monty de la Cruz, I'll get away with anything. Even this. The team _needs_ me, they couldn't punish me even if they wanted to. What the fuck am I worrying about?

***

"Okay, okay. Fuck. I need a break," I say and I take my feet off the pedals and I let the bottom of my shoes touch the ground to slow my bike down. 

"Giving up already?" Winston jokes but he's out of breath too. We've been cycling around this park for maybe the past half an hour and I was okay with it until I had to cycle up the hill. I have faith in my legs, they better not fucking ache tomorrow.

I stay sitting on my bike, but instead of peddling, I just push myself forward with my feet. I'm so sweaty and wet. The shirt Winston gave me to wear is practically drenched in sweat and stuck to my back. I stop the bike by the side of the pathway and Winston stops and sits down on a bench nearby while his bike stays propped up against the bench.

I pull the Tshirt over my head and I waft it in the air in a poor attempt to dry it. I hope Winston doesn't want it back, it's ruined, no amount of laundry detergent will be able to get the stench of my sweat out. 

I throw the T-shirt onto my shoulder and it just rests there like a towel. Fuck, my hair is wet with sweat too. 

Winston watches me nervously and he tries to give me a smile when I look his way. I guess we're taking a break by the bench then.

I swing my leg over the side of the bike and then I walk while pushing it towards the bench. I prop the bike up on the other side of the bench before collapsing next to Winston. 

I just sit there, head slightly tilted upwards, arms resting on the backing of the bench. I wonder what Ander is doing right now. Freaking out probably. I can imagine him calling every single one of my contacts and asking if I'm with them. It's a joke.

"So, erm... What do you usually do for fun?" Winston asks me awkwardly and I move my eyes to the side to look at him.

"Is this what you do for fun?" I ask him with one eyebrow raises and he rolls his eyes at my judgement.

"It's fun okay? You can't tell me you're not having fun." I guess he's right. This is kind of fun. Not my idea of fun, but it's quite relaxing. He's waiting for my answer.

"Fun," I repeat as I try to think of something that doesn't involve smoking or drinking. Do I even have fun anymore? I just go to practice, play games, drink with the guys and then go home and sleep. "Sometimes I go to Leo's cabin with the guys."

Once. I went once and I hated it. But it's a better answer than 'I go to parties'. I've already lied to him today, why not continue?

Winston nods. "You don't-" But he doesn't get to finish his sentence because his phone starts ringing and he dishes it out of his pocket. I left my phone at home fortunately and I don't have to deal with calls from Anders. I probably would have thrown my phone under a bus a long time ago if I had brought it with me.

Winston takes one look at the screen and then he glances at me before answering. Ah. Must be about me. I don't even know what time it is but practice must be starting soon. They're probably wondering if they should expect me to show up or not.

"Oh," Winston says into the phone after a moment of him just listening. "No, I haven't seen him. Sorry."

I grin to myself. He's really not so bad after all. Maybe I should stop threatening him and we can finally be friends.

"Yeah, I'll let you know if I hear anything," Winston says into the phone and he rolls his eyes at me. "But I doubt I will, we're not really friends or anything. Try my dad, maybe he knows something."

He's a really good liar. He's trying to keep a straight face as the person on the other side of the phone talks but then he makes eye contact with me and he breaks into a grin. 

"Yeah, okay," Winston then says and he clears his throat obviously wanting to end the conversation. "Hope you find him. Bye."

He hangs up on the phone and then raises his eyebrows and shakes his head. "God, he wouldn't stop talking."

"Who was it?" I ask. My guess: Anders.

"Bradley," Winston tells me and my eyebrows raise. "The whole team's worried about you apparently."

Now that I think about it... First I beat up a guy in the middle of the game, then I have a (maybe) panic attack and then I disappear. Yeah, they should be worried.

"Anyway," Winston says quickly when he realises I'm not going to answer. He puts his phone back into his pocket and he looks at me. "I kinda feel like I'm harbouring a criminal."

He's not wrong. I laugh. "You kind of are," I tell him with a grin and he stares at me. But he knows how to take a joke and he chuckles softly. Yeah, that's my way of telling him I've been to prison. It's on him whether he's able to figure it out or not.

"Right," he says. Yeah, he's probably worked it out - I went to prison for the car crash. Been to prison but not for the car crash. He doesn't need to know that. "So do you think we should be a bit more... careful?"

"Why?" I ask and I frown at him. 

"You know... In case someone sees you?" Winston says and I scoff. He's taking this too seriously.

"And what if they do?" I ask him and I take my arms off the backing off the bench. "What are they gonna do then? Will they tie me up and deliver me back to Bradley?"

Winston rolls his eyes obviously not appreciating my sarcasm. "No. But I did just lie for you," he tells me.

"No one asked you to." I say simply but he chooses to ignore me.

"And if someone sees you with me, I could get into trouble with my father," Winston finishes and he stares at me. What does he want me to do? Cover my face and sneak around in corners so no one recognises me? That's not gonna happen.

"Fine," I say though. "So... What do we do?"

***

I thought that the bikes were a bad idea. But now we're on public transport.

A bus. An actual fucking bus. I didn't even take a bus back when I was in high school.

"Fucking stinks here," I say as quietly as I can which isn't quiet at all. The old woman sitting in front of us turns around and glares at me like I'm the one that stinks.

Winston tuts at me as he puts our tickets in his pocket. The bus is packed and we're packed together, shoulders touching, knees rubbing against each other. Every time the bus hits over a speed bump, our knees knock against each other and we have to move them away.

I don't even know where he's taking me. Probably some weird place again. He's just weird all over.

***

I wake up when the bus jolts while riding over a speedbump. My head is on Winston's shoulder and my hand is resting on his knee. He's not sleeping. I just cough and quickly move away from him and back to my seat. 

"What time is it?" I ask and then I roll my shoulders back. Fuck, I'm not used to sleeping this uncomfortably but I was so tired that I just fell asleep.

"Just past one," Winston tells me. Past one? We've been on this wretched bus for almost two hours? Where the hell is he taking me.

"Are we still in LA?" I ask him as I card my fingers through my hair trying to sort it out as best as I can. I'm surprised I could sleep in this bus, the kids at the front of singing a song, some drunken adults are laughing loudly and there are a bunch of women gossiping.

Winston shrugs. "Don't know." I stare at him. What does he mean he doesn't know? He grins and then looks away when seeing my expression.

"Where the hell are you taking me, Williams?" I ask him and he starts laughing. I never thought I'd let myself be kidnapped. I really wish I could somehow call Anders right now.

"Just trust me, okay?" he says with a grin and it seems like he's forgotten about... pretty much everything. He doesn't care that I'm not supposed to be doing this and that I'll get into a lot of trouble not just for missing practice today but for all that other shit too.

I just scoff and I look out the window. He must have pulled the curtains over it while I was sleeping because it's covered now. No wonder it felt so dark.

"We should be there in about twenty minutes," Winston tells me and he puts his phone back in his pockets. I'd ask him if there were any more calls or texts while I was sleeping but I'm not sure if I really want to know.

So then maybe twenty minutes later, the bus stops and we're getting out. The rest of the people on the bus have bags, backpacks, blankets. We're the only ones who look out of place. Me wearing my joggers and Winston's T-shirt and Winston wearing some shorts and a t-shirt. No, you know what? Only I look out of place, he fits right in.

I don't bother asking anymore, I just follow him down the pathway. He's not exactly talkative either, it's like he wants to make this a surprise. I think I've had enough surprises for today.

There are some stone steps that everyone is going down and I hear the sound of water waves. Or at least I think that's what it is.

"Are we at the beach?" I ask him as we walk down the steps side by side and he grins like he's happy that I figured it out. I sigh and I rub my temple. "It's October and you... God, you're so fucking weird."

"So you've said," he laughs and it doesn't seem to bother him. Now that I think about it, he's never reacted in the way that I expected him to. "Come on, I want to get us ice cream before a queue forms."

Ice cream? I don't get the chance to tell him how much of a kid I think he is because he starts racing down the stairs and I have to run after him. Like I said, weirdo.

***

I think Winston's had about ten ice creams if not more. I couldn't keep going after my second one. When I told him he was going to get sick he laughed and said he had his tonsils removed.

We haven't exactly been hanging out together. I laid down on the sand by myself while he went to go play in the water like the kid he is. Then he came back, ate about a dozen more ice creams and then we went back into the water again.

I'm not wearing a shirt or the joggers anymore, just my boxers and Winston is just wearing his shorts. He tried to roll them up so they wouldn't get wet but they're almost fully wet just not at the waistband.

I fell asleep at some point and then I walked around until I found a dealer. I'm not supposed to smoke weed at all but Anders knows I do it from time to time. He's always got some synthetic piss ready just in case.

It's almost dark now. Seven in the afternoon or something. It wasn't hot before but now it's not even warm and I have to put my joggers on. 

Winston is laying with me now, he's obviously tired from messing around all day. It's different seeing him like this, not so serious and actually having fun. 

We're laying upside down but our heads are next to each other. I focus on the joint in my mouth and Winston just stares up at the sky.

"How much trouble do you think we're in?" he asks me and he turns his head on the side so he can look at me. I stay staring straight up, I don't want to blow smoke in his face.

I sigh after taking the join out from between my lips. "We?" I ask. If he's in any trouble at all (which I doubt he is), it won't even be a percentage of how much trouble I'm in. "You'll be all good. As for me... Fuck."

I'm in trouble. I'm in a _lot_ of trouble. I'm fucked.

Winston sighs softly and he turns his head back to look at the sky above us. "I could maybe-"

"No," I cut him off. This is all on me. Whatever he's thinking about doing, it won't help. "Leave it to me. I'll sort it out."

Winston's spent enough time with me to know when to stop arguing. "Okay." 

He turns his head to the side again and just as I'm about to put the joint between my lips, he takes it from my hand. His fingers brush past mine and then he puts the joint between his own lips.

I just watch him as he inhales and then exhales. "I thought you didn't smoke."

He coughs and covers his mouth. "I don't."

I grin at him as he passes the joint back to me and he manages to smile back even though his eyes are watery. 

I look back at the sky and I inhale again. There's been something on my mind since the day I met him. The day of that party.

"Why did you pick me?" I ask still not taking my eyes off the sky. It's been bugging me. He picked me out of all those people even though he had no idea who I was. And then we met again and he still didn't treat me like a celebrity even after finding out who I am.

Winston stares at me with furrowed eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

I blow the smoke out through my lips and I lick my bottom lip. "The party when we first met," I say. "You... You asked me what I thought of the paintings."

"Oh," Winston says. I guess he must have forgotten. I haven't. "I just... I don't know. I guess I was trying to make conversation." he says with a shrug. "You looked interesting."

Interesting. I chuckle softly.

"Guess you must have been very disappointed when you got to know me then," I say and I grin to myself. Just thinking about how I treated him in that interview room... I'm surprised we somehow ended up here.

"Not really," Winston says and I look up to meet his eyes. "Are you trying to tell me you're not interesting?"

I smile and I have to look away. I can't remember the last time I've smiled this much. Not in a long time. 

"You're not so bad yourself," I say. "I can't imagine anyone else wanting to help me hide from my agent for a full day." A full day that I spent with him. But tomorrow...

"I'm not ready to go back tomorrow," I tell him. It's too much of a mess. Impossible to clean up. It's better to just leave it for someone else to clean up. They'll do better without me in the picture.

"Then let's not go back," Winston tells me and his hand reaches up to mine again and he takes the joint again. This time he doesn't cough when he inhales while maintaining eye contact with me. Fuck he's so fucking pretty. All I can do is stare.

"Let's not go back," I repeat after him in a daze. "Let's stay here."

He nods agreeing with me. "Let's stay here," he whispers and then he looks away as if finally seeing me properly for the first time. He grins. "We could... We could live in one of those cottages I saw out of the window when we were on the bus."

I laugh and I take the joint back from his hand as he blows the smoke out. "We could bike to the beach every day," I say playing along. "Sorry, I'm not a big fan of public transport."

Winston grins at me and his eyes twinkle in the dark. "We'll have to work to be able to afford all the weed and alcohol you're gonna want," Winston carries on. "I think I'll be a painter. I'll sell my art right here on the beach." He stares into the distance as if picturing himself painting here on the beach and he smiles.

"I think I'll..." I say trying to think of a job I could do for a living. I'm not exactly employable. All I know is soccer and football. But I don't want a career in that. I used to, but then the fun parts of it became less and less fun until... Now it's just tiring. 

"You could be a surfing instructor," Winston finishes for me after noticing that I'm struggling to come up with something.

"Surfing," I repeat. "Yeah, I like that."

We keep smoking, sharing the joint between us while taking turns to talk about the life we're never going to have for a while.

"No no no," Winston disagrees with me for the first time. "No TV. Actually, no electricity at all. No phones either. Nothing."

We've finished the joint a while ago and now we're just laying down with our hands crossed behind our heads. I raise an eyebrow at him. "No electricity at all?" I ask. "What about a microwave? A fridge? A-"

"Okay, okay," he gives in. "I guess there are some exceptions. But no TV."

"No TV," I agree with him. No TV means not being able to watch the news, or the soccer matches or any of Joe's silly little interviews. That's not the life I want to go back to. 

It's all just make-believe that we're using to make ourselves feel better before we have to face the consequences tomorrow. I wouldn't mind living this life that we made up.

We lay in silence for a while just listening to each other's breathing and the sound of the waves. Then Winston turns to me again. "Do you believe in God?" he asks me and I stare at him.

"Where did this come from?" I ask surprised at the change of topic.

Winston looks back up at the sky and shrugs. "Just thinking," he says quietly. "I mean, don't you think it's kinda scary if there's nothing out there? If it's just us and that's it?"

I shrug. "Does it really matter? So what if there is nothing out there? It doesn't change anything."

If there is a God, I don't think he likes me much. He can't. He's probably already prepared a place for me in hell.

Winston brushes his hair away from his face. "I know but..." he says. "Doesn't it scare you? I like to think that at least someone up there knows what's going on. You know? That he has a plan for us. For me."

I can't agree with him. I don't think anyone knows what's really going on. That's life, not knowing what life is.

"I think that's the scary part," I say. "If there is a plan made for you. Doesn't it make you feel like all your decisions have already been made for you? Like you can't change anything, you're just following a script."

Winston thinks about it in silence for a while. "I guess..." he says and then he chuckles to himself. "Fuck, I think I'm high."

I laugh at him. "You think?"

He grins at me from the side again and then he moves his head closer to mine. It's cold now. Now freezing cold but it is cold. The only warmth I'm getting is from him. I move my body closer to his until our arms are touching. He doesn't feel that warm. Or maybe I'm just warmer.

He sighs and he looks up at the dark sky again. Searching for his God.

It's weird laying like this with him. Upside down. My eyes are where his eyes are but that's it. I start moving my body down, slow movements until my lips are where his lips are and my nose is where his chin is.

He doesn't ask. He just turns his head and looks at me. I suddenly remember why I wanted to fuck him all those weeks ago. He's really not ugly. I wouldn't mind fucking him. 

I'm glad that I'm not looking into his eyes, just his lips, that way I don't know what he looks like right now. 

My nose brushes against his chin and I bring my finger up to trace his lips. They're soft. Soft like a girl's. Maybe even softer. I rub my thumb back and forth over his bottom lip not really sure of what I'm planning to do. I just wanted to touch them, know what they feel like. 

But what would they feel like to kiss? It would definitely feel different than just touching them with my thumb. 

I'm not sure what I'm doing. But I find myself closing my eyes and then I move my head closer to his. He doesn't move away but he doesn't move towards me either. It's like he's just waiting for this. 

My lips touch his lightly. They barely touch but it's a kiss all the same. I'm not gay but... It's nice. Maybe I'm like Holden, I'm not gay but I want to fuck both guys and girls. That would explain it.

Winston moves his head closer to mine and our lips press together. My nose presses against his chin and he kisses me back, slowly moving his lips against mine. He tastes like weed and strawberry ice cream. And let me tell you, it's not a bad combination. 

I could stay like that for a while, kissing his lips and tasting the weed, the ice cream, the salty sea, my nose brushing against his chin. But then I feel his hand move to touch my hip and I jerk away from him as if only now realising what I'm doing.

"Fuck, sorry," I say and I quickly sit up and move away from him while he stays laying down and staring at me in confusion. "Fuck I-I... I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing."

Kissing him. I was kissing him. 

My hands start trembling, my heart thuds in my chest and I feel myself break out in a cold sweat.

"Hey, it's okay," Winston says as he sits up. He looks concerned. He tries to move closer to me but I move away again and he stops in place.

"I'm not like that," I tell him quickly. "I'm not gay." 

My head is spinning, hands sweating, mouth filling with saliva.

"It's okay," Winston says again and he looks kind of scared now. His eyes study my face but it's not okay. 

It's not okay and I don't feel okay. I think it's the alcohol and the weed. My stomach twists and then I feel the sour taste fill my mouth. Winston is staring at me but I turn away from him. 

I move my head too quickly and the nauseous feeling increases. I can't even stop myself. I just vomit on the sand.

And Winston watches me. 

I vomited after kissing him. I'm not gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed this :)


	7. Anger Managment

**Seven**

Of course they're all fucking mad at me. They're worried too, but they know me. They know not to bring it up, I'd lose my shit if they did.

It's an official team meeting in the big conference room. The crew isn't allowed in there, thank God. Anders is with me, maybe he's hoping to calm me down after I hear what they have to say to me. But even Anders couldn't prepare me for this.

"Five fucking matches? Are they out of their fucking minds?" Bradley stays calm as I stand up and throw my glass of water off the table.

"Monty, sit down," Anders says softly and he pulls me back down to my chair by my elbow. I pull my arm away from him.

"Don't fucking touch me," I hiss at him and then I feel weird because everyone around us is staring at me. "Can-can't we appeal? I mean...."

"We already have," Anders informs me. "They were gonna ban you for seven games."

Seven? Suddenly five doesn't sound so bad anymore. But it's still five fucking games. 

Five games? Five games. Two goals per game on average... that's about ten goals that I won't be scoring. Fuck. Fuck. This can't be happening. All this that I fucking worked for... All of it just fucking ripped away because of one little fight.

I look around the room at everyone who looks so fucking uncomfortable. Joe looks pissed off but I know it's all just for show, he's happy that he'll finally take my place on the team. Holden is looking down at his feet and even Leo isn't backing me up or saying anything.

"Fuck all of you," I say before standing up from my chair and storming past them. I push a chair over and bump shoulders with Joe on the way out to make my point.

No one stands up to go after me. They don't run down the corridor after me. I wonder if anyone is going to follow me into the locker room. But no one comes. I start pacing up and down, running my fingers through my hair. I punch the lockers once but it's a weak punch and all that happens is my hand starts hurting. I walk up and down in the silence of the locker room trying to think of what to do.

I can't fucking quit, I know that. But... I just need something to threaten them with. Anders. He'll know what to do. I've just gotta make him understand and then he will sort it out. He'll sort it _all_ out.

"What the hell happened back there?" His voice sends chills down my spine and I freeze in place. Anyone but him. Fuck. _Anyone_ but him. He's one of the things that I'll need Anders to sort out for me.

Winston gently closes the locker room door behind him and he crosses his arm over his chest as he stares at me. Why the fuck is he here? But his office is right next to the big office, he must have heard or at least seen me storm out.

"Did you hear that bullshit back there?" I shout a bit shakily. I'm trying to sound angry, I don't need him to know how nervous I feel right now. 

Last night... It was fine. He completely forgot about me kissing him and he didn't mention in on the way home. He texted me once or twice but I ignored his messages. I was hoping to ignore him today too but now he's stood right in front of me and he looks furious.

"Yeah. Yeah, I did," he says simply. "Are you surprised? You beat up some guy during a game on live TV and you expected to get away with it? Seriously Monty, what did you expect?"

What gives him the right to speak to me like that? Only Anders would get away with this. And that's because I know he'd sort it out right after and everything would be okay. Winston's just here to tell me off.

"Don't fucking talk to me," I say and I clench my jaw. He needs to stay away from me. But he doesn't get it. He starts walking towards me and I take a few steps back until I feel my back press against the row of lockers. 

He stares me down and I don't think anyone's ever made me feel this nervous and uncertain.

"I'm quitting the team," I tell him like it's that easy. Maybe he doesn't understand how all of this works and he'll worry that I'm being serious.

He scoffs and he raises an eyebrow. Still walking closer to me. "Just gonna quit?" he asks like he's mocking me. "Monty-"

And there it is again. Monty.

"Fuck. There's a fucking 't' in 'Monty', learn to pronounce it," I shout at him because I have nothing else to shout at him for. 

His eyebrows furrow and he scoffs. "Okay, _Monty,_ " he says putting emphasis on the 't'. Much better. "Quitting? Really?"

"You don't fucking understand," I say. Ten goals that I could score. Maybe even more. Five fucking games. Five games that we could lose because I won't be playing. 

"I don't _need_ to understand to know that you're acting like a child," he tells me and he stops when his face is just inches away from mine.

I hate him.

I spent a whole day with him, I kissed him, I smoked weed with him and now he's acting like the producer's son? Fuck, he's not the producer's son to me.

I need to get the fuck out of here. I need to go home. I need to get away from everything for a while. I just need to disappear and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

"Tell them that I went home," I say and I try to walk past him but he pushes me back against the locker. "What the-"

I don't get to finish my sentence because he pushes his body against mine and he kisses me. It's not like I kissed him at the beach. He's not trying to be soft and sweet, he just smashes his lips again mine and kisses me like it's the only thing he wants.

I push him away. I don't want this. I don't want him. I just want to play soccer.

"Fuck off," I manage to breathe out. But then I look at his swollen lips and I lose all the common sense I have left. I put my hands on his neck and I pull him in to kiss me again. He doesn't resist.

It's like I'm letting all my anger out by kissing him. He's not even giving me time to breathe, he just keeps on kissing me and digging his nails into my hips like... Fuck, if I knew he was this good at kissing, I wouldn't have had stopped at the beach. 

He moves his body against mine and the lockers dig into my back. I move my hands to hold onto his hips as I start grinding against him. I don't know why I'm doing this and I'm even more confused as to why it feels this good.

He presses his crotch against mine and I have to pull away to catch my breath. I throw my head back and I try to control my breathing. I would go back to kissing him in a moment but he sinks to his knees in front of me. Is he really going to...

Apparently so. His hands start unbuckling my belt and he looks up at me as he pulls my jeans and my boxers down with one tug. I just wanna feel his mouth around my cock but he just stays there looking at me. I forgot he had a thing for art.

I grab a fistful of his hair and I try to push his head forward but he resists. "Push my fucking head and see what happens," he tells me after looking up. He stares into my eyes for a couple of seconds making sure that I get what he's trying to say. Alright.

I let go of his hair and I rest my hands on his shoulder instead. He looks down and he just stares as if admiring my erect cock. But then he brings his mouth closer and his wraps his lips around the tip. It's basically nothing but just feeling his warm lips make contact with my flesh... I breathe in sharply and my heart starts beating wildly. I feel his tongue twirly around the head and I swear I could come right there.

Fuck, why am I getting so turned on by this? Why am I letting him do this to me? Maybe I should stop him?

But I grip onto his shoulders and he continues. He moves his mouth further down and I can't help but wonder how much of me he can take in his mouth. He places one hand around the base and he starts twisting it in a steady rhythm as he sucks on the tip of my cock.

Then he pulls away, takes one second to contain himself and he swallows me down without hesitating. I groan without even meaning to and I can feel his lips trying to move to form a smile. But his lips stay wrapped around my length and he moves his head backwards and forwards in a slow rhythm.

I feel his tongue sliding across my cock and I stare at him as I watch his wet lips take me in. He's still going slow and I want to come already. I wrap my hands up in his hair and I start to push his head forwards and backwards. He told me not to but why should I listen to him? He wants to resist at first obviously liking being in control but then he gives in and moves with the motion of my hands.

I breathe heavily through my nose but I keep my lips pressed together in case I accidentally moan or some shit. I feel my cock hit the back of his throat and I notice that his eyes start watering. He exhales through his nose and his breath tickles me.

My hips start to buckle and I start to move them to the rhythm of his mouth. I can already feel the feeling at the bottom of my stomach starting to grow and then he looks up at me from behind his eyelashes and I keep on fucking his mouth as I stare into his eyes. What the hell am I doing?

I feel how close I am to coming and I slam his mouth onto my cock one last time and my hips start to buckle and I come into his mouth. He swallows once but I keep on coming and he keeps on swallowing, his lips still wrapped around the full length.

I can't really feel my legs after and I keep my hands on to of his head for support to steady myself. He eventually lets my cock slip out of his mouth and he moves my boxers back up to cover it. He stays on his knees as he zips my jeans back up and then he buckles my belt for me as I still try to come down from what just happened.

"Jesus," he says as he stands up from his knees. "You'd think no one's ever blown you before." Not like that they haven't. He's grinning at me and I close my eyes, my head resting against the lockers as I try to steady myself. 

My eyes are still closed but he places his hands on my hips and our noses brush together. He leans down and gently presses his lips against mine. I don't have the energy to kiss him back, I'm still trying to collect myself from the best orgasm I've ever had.

"You're gonna go back over there and apologise, okay?" he says but it sounds more like a command. I don't respond but I slowly open my eyes. His face comes into focus, it's dangerously close to mine. "Okay?" he repeats and I nod not being able to respond in any other way. "Good boy."

Why is he doing this to me? Why am I letting him? Fuck. If he doesn't move away from me soon, I'm gonna get hard and I can't come again, not after _that._ I need a moment to get it together.

"What are you waiting for?" Winston asks me with a smug grin. He can obviously see that I can barely even nod, nevermind walk. "Are your knees weak?"

"Fuck you," I manage to breathe out and he chuckles softly. Yes, I am fucking weak at the knees and he knows it.

"Get out there, before they come in here and see us like this," he says and that's enough motivation for me to push past him and start walking towards the door.

I'm slow, I think I've forgotten how to walk. I look back once I'm by the door. Winston's back is to me so I can't be sure but I think he's jerking himself off.

He got turned on by that? Cute.

***

I'm pissed off.

First of all, the team's got a game today. And I'm not allowed to play. I'm allowed in training and in press conferences (although Anders is trying his best to keep me away from those at the moment) but I'm not allowed to play. And if we have an away match (which we will soon) I'm staying in LA while they go on the plane.

So today is the first day that I get to face my punishment. And I don't think I'm ready for it. Especially if I have to watch Joe play in my position.

The second thing... I was hoping to see Winston yesterday after my lecture from Anders and Bradley but by the time we were done, I found out that Winston had already left and his dad came instead.

He talked to me for a few minutes and I just nodded along but I didn't take in a word he said.

So I went home pissed off because I didn't even get to talk to Winston about what happened and then I had an argument with Leeya about how I've been 'pushing her away lately'. She ran out crying and I went to bed.

Anders told me to just take it easy and stay inside for today, have a quiet day off. But I can't do that. I may not be allowed to play but no one can stop me from watching the game.

I get out of my car and this is probably the first time ever that I've arrived this early. There are only a few cars in the parking lot but the crew is already here. 

Some dumb fuck starts snapping pictures of me as I walk towards the stadium and I glare at him. My hair is a mess and I'm wearing sunglasses to hide the bags under my eyes. The snapping noise annoys the fuck out of me.

He doesn't stop. He aims the camera at me and he follows me with it while continuing to take my pictures.

"What the fuck?" I bark at him and I push his camera away from his face with one hand. I start to walk away and if this kid had any brain cells left, he's let me walk away but instead he shouts after me.

"Hey! Do you have any idea how expensive this is?"

I turn on my heel and I walk back to him. "More expensive than your hospital bill after I'm done with you?" I ask him and he takes a step back. I'm pissed off at everything and this kid is just here so I'm letting it out on him.

He's part of the crew, he knows what I've done to the guy on the field. Most of the world knows. All sport channels, newspapers and whatever else have reported on it. Desperate fuckers.

I forget about the kid after a while and he's completely gone from my mind once we're in the locker room waiting for Leo to arrive to give us one of his captain speeches.

"What's taking him so long?" Joe whines. He's annoyed, obviously. Bradley can't tell us the lineup until Leo is here and Joe is anxious to know whether he's playing or not. I think we both know that he is. 

The door opens but it's not Leo. It's Nick, the young crew guy or also known as Joey's personal ego booster.

"What is it?" Joe asks his assistant obviously thinking that he's here for him. But Nick's eyes rest on me.

"Erm, W-Winston wants you," Nick tells me and I groan loudly. When _doesn't_ he want me?

"Tell him to fucking wait, I'll go after the speech," I say and everyone shifts and looks around awkwardly. I swear, if one of these fuckers open their mouths and tries to tell me what to do-

"You don't really have to be here for the speech though right?" Joe says and I turn to stare at him. He hasn't even started playing and he's already getting cocky. "It's not like you're gonna be playing."

"Joe," Holden says quietly to shut him up. Holden's got that type of voice that you know not to argue with and Joe presses his lips together. But he's already said what everyone's been thinking. 

The club had to pay a fine for my fuckery and I had to pay a fine for missing training. They're obviously pissed off at me. And I can feel how none of them want me here.

I scoff and I just look at Nick. He's still waiting for an answer. So without saying anything, I just walk past him and out of the door. 

"I know the way to his office," I shout without looking back just in case Nick tries to follow me. 

My hands start to sweat as I make my way to Winston's office but that's only because it's quite warm. I wipe them on my jeans and then I go inside the big room.

He's standing by one of the shelves and it looks like he's looking at some of the pictures that Baxter had framed and put in here. He turns around when the door closes behind me.

"What?" I'm pissed off at practically everything, excuse me if I'm in no mood to talk.

But Winston glares at me and then he scoffs. "Wow, and the attitude is back."

"Never left," I say and he raises his eyebrows. He seems to be pissed off at me. For what reason? I don't know.

"'Never left', huh?" Winston repeats after me. "I don't know, you seemed a little lost for words yesterday if you ask me."

This is what he wants to talk about? He took me out to what? Rate his dick sucking skills? Nine out of ten.

I don't say anything, just stand there staring blankly at him and he sighs. "I don't appreciate you threatening my guys"

Threatening? When? 

I frown and I cross my arms over my chest. "I didn't threaten anyone." I don't know where he's getting his information from but his source clearly isn't reliable.

"Really?" Winston says and he takes a step towards me. "Then why did Jake come to me to say that you threatened to put him in the hospital? What's wrong with you?"

Ah, so Jake must be the annoying camera kid with no brain cells. Or one of them anyway.

"I didn't exactly-"

"Did you or did you _not_ threaten Jake?" Winston raises his voice at me. I raise an eyebrow and he grimaces. "And for taking your picture? That's his fucking _job."_

He wants to talk about jobs? Fine, let's talk about jobs.

"And you know what _your_ fucking job is?" I ask him not expecting an answer. "To shut your mouth and listen to me. You're the producer's son and your job-"

"Oh, so now I'm the producer's son?" he asks me and he looks furious. Why? I just pointed out the obvious. He doesn't let me answer. "And when it'll be convenient for you then I'll be your friend again. Or maybe I'll be the guy that blows you from-"

"Shut the _fuck_ up!" I hiss at him and I look around his office as if expecting someone to be listening in to our conversation. He blew me _once_ and it wasn't even... It doesn't count. Okay?

"Why? Because it freaks you out? Thinking about it?" he asks and I gulp as he takes another step towards me. "Or maybe it freaks you out because you liked it."

"Fuck off," I breath out. It was a damn blowjob, of course, I fucking liked it. I turn on my heel and I walk to the door, my hand is on the door handle and then I stop and turn back around. "You know what? Let's fucking talk about what happened yesterday. What the fuck was that?"

He seems slightly less confident now as I start walking towards him. He shrugs. "What did it seem like?"

"I don't know you just- fuck." I stumble on my words like a toddler not even sure what I wanna say. I kissed him, he blew me and now we can't even act calm around each other. "So what do we do now?"

He shrugs and for the first time, he looks even more unsure than me. "I-I don't know."

He's uncertain and I'm confused but I know one thing. "I'm not gonna be your fucking boyfriend, that's for sure," I tell him just in case he needed a reminder that I'm not gay like him.

He seems amused and he grins and nods. "Good. I'm not one for relationships either."

Wow, his ex really must have done a number on him. "Got hurt after your last one?" I ask him and he looks confused. "Your, uh... Your ex? The one you saw at Joe's birthday party?"

I remember that, walking out and joining him on that bench. It wasn't a long time ago but things were definitely easier back then, I didn't have to worry about stupid match bans and fines.

"Oh… that," Winston says and he bites down on his lip as he looks down at the floor. "There Is no ex-boyfriend. I just... I just wanted you to know that I was gay."

He looks up at me, a nervous expression on his face and I just stare.

"Why?"

He shrugs and sighs. "I don't know. I just wanted you to know I guess."

Yeah, we've already established that. "'Wanted me to know'? Why?"

"Fuck Monty. I don't know," he says and he rubs his hands up and down his face. "To see how you'd react, maybe?"

How I'd react to him being gay? Suddenly I remember how I reacted and I feel myself getting hot all over.

"I, uh... I've gotta get back to the guys..." I tell him and I gesture towards the door with my head. He looks slightly annoyed that I'm choosing the change the topic but then he nods.

I turn around and I make my way to the door. When my hand touched the door handle, Winston clears his throat.

"Maybe we could hang out later?" he suggests and I glance back at him. Hang out or 'hang out'? Judging by his expression...

"Sure," I say quickly and then I'm out of the door before either of us can add anything else.

***

I think I'm sick. 

Not _sick_ sick but… I'm sick of everyone and everything.

Leeya called, Anders called, Leo called, Bradley and Baxter called….

I'm not going to training today. I put on a cough and a sniffle and I called in sick. Bradley didn't believe a word of my bullshit but he let it go.

I didn't stay for the game yesterday. Bradley told Joe that he was going to be playing, the fucker started jumping up and down and I had to get out of there before I could see him having an orgasm over the warm-up. I didn't see Winston before I left. Haven't seen him since our conversation in his office.

I know we won the match. I didn't watch it but I kept checking the score, reading the summaries just waiting for someone to fuck up. Waiting for _Joe_ to fuck up. But he didn't. He didn't score but Leo did. And Joe gave him an assist. That should have been me. 

One down, four to go. 

I lay in bed long after practice is over and I get a few more phone calls. I turn my phone off not even bothering to stop and check who it's from. It's no one that I wanna talk to.

I try to fall asleep again, catch up on some sleep but there's a knock at my door. I swear if it's one of them fuckers trying to get me out of bed...

I groan, get out of bed, pull some shirt over my head and I try to get my arms into the sleeves as I walk to the door. I hope that it's who I think it is. We _were_ meant to 'hang out' after all.

But it's not him when I open the door.

"Aren't you happy to see me?" Holden says cheerfully as I stare at him in my doorway. He's holding a grocery bag and it looks like he's coming straight from training.

"I have the flu," I say blandly not even trying to sound convincing.

"Bullshit you do," Holden replies and the smile disappears from his face. Holden's a big guy, he pushes past me and walks into the living room without hesitation.

"I'll pass it onto you," I shout as I close the door again. 

"Mhm," Holden says. When I walk into the living room, he's sat on my couch and the grocery bag is on the table. 

"What's that?" I aks and I point to the bag. He rolls his eyes.

"Something for your bullshit flu," he sighs and then he nods to the empty space next to him on the couch. I walk over and sit down reluctantly. I think I'm getting a talk.

"Monty, we have to talk about something," Holden says seriously. I wait and Holden looks uncomfortable. "Winston?"

I tense up at the name and Holden looks annoyed at my reaction. "What about him?"

Holden licks his lips. "You spent the day with him," he states. "The day you missed training. That's who you were with."

"How do you-"

"Doesn't matter," Holden cuts me off and then he sighs. "So is there anything you wanna tell me?"

How the fuck does he know? Did Winston blab? And _what_ does Holden know? Hopefully, he doesn't know about anything else that happened between Winston and me.

"No," I say with a shrug and Holden rolls his eyes but he doesn't push it. What's there to tell? "How was the game last night? Did the guys... say anything?"

I had this idea in my head that the guys all secretly missed me, that they wanted me there instead of Joe. I was just fucking praying to God that Joe won't be able to replace me.

Holden shrugs uncomfortably. "Not really, they were just happy to win. But obviously we missed you."

I let out a shaky breath. "Even Joey?"

"Even Joey." 

I need to get back in the game before they forget about me. I need to show them that it won't be the same without me.

***

Actually putting in the effort is harder than saying you'll put in effort. I haven't snapped at a single crew guy all day, I've been nice to all my teammates and I've even said good morning to one of the cleaners on my way in. She looked like she saw a ghost.

I'm worn out after training, after putting in all this effort to be nice to Joe and to act like I'm a part of the team. I sure don't feel like it right now.

Leo can sense that something is wrong. I'm surprised that he didn't ask me where I was yesterday but he also knows that I don't like talking about all my personal shit.

We stand outside the locker room and Leo explains some things to me that I missed out on during yesterday's training, there are some tactical changes now that I'm not playing.

Winston comes out from behind the corner, he looks like he's on a mission but he's probably just heading to his office. Then his eyes rest on me and he walks over. 

I look away and back at Leo completely ignoring Winston. I was hoping to talk to him after, he doesn't need to know that though.

He puts his hand on my shoulder once he's stood next to me and tightens his grip on my shirt. I… look up at him? Fuck, is he taller than me? Just a little… 

"Excuse me, I need to borrow Monty for a moment," Winston says to Leo sounding all professional and shit, nothing like the Winston I saw at the beach. 

"Money? " Leo asks not understanding Winston's accent at first and then he sees the hand on my shoulder. "Oh. Monty, right."

Winston drags me away, pushing me forwards like my mom used to whenever we were at the supermarket and I kept on standing by the chocolate in the aisle. He's definitely a bit taller than me but I'm still stronger and I could resist if I wanted to.

He walks us to his office and pushes me inside once he opens the door.

"Hey! I didn't even say goodbye to him!" I say trying to make a joke out of this. But really I'm terrified, he looks pissed. 

"You lied to me," Winston states straight away and he locks the door. "Why did you lie to me?"

Depends which lie he's referring to. I wait for some further explanation.

"You weren't in any car accident, I looked into it," Winston says and I feel my body stiffen. I clench my fists.

"You looked into me?" If he looked into me (and I mean fcking searched and dug deep until he reached the very bottom) he'd find shit that no one except for Anders knows about.

"I just-yeah I did," Winston says not even trying to explain himself. "And now I'll know better than to trust anything that comes out of your mouth."

"You think Anders wouldn't have covered it up?" I ask him but my hands are sweaty and my throat is dry. Fuck, what does he know?

"Don't… don't try to worm your way out of this one," Winston says and he sounds angry and disappointed. "I thought we were… I thought you were sharing shit with me and…

What? And we were bonding? I've known him for like five minutes, I'm not stupid enough to share shit with strangers.

"Didn't think you'd care," I tell him but in reality, it's the fact that he _would_ care that stopped me from telling him.

"I-fuck you," Winston says and he looks away like he can't stand the sight of me. "You've always got an excuse for everything. Can't you just talk to me like a normal human being? Why did you lie about the car accident?"

"Because I can," I tell him. I'm standing my ground but it's difficult to do when he's standing in front of me looking all cute and shit. Fuck why is he so hot when he's annoyed at me?

"And you don't deserve to know," I add just to piss him off even more. "I don't even fucking like you, no one pisses me off as much as you do. Fucking no one. Not even Joey. Why the fuck would I ever tell you anything?"

"Monty… I thought we were... " Winston says and he sounds sad instead. Well, this isn't what I wanted.

"You thought we were what?"

He groans and clenches his fists. "Tell me what happened. The car accident. What _really_ happened."

"I'm not telling you shit."

"You push everyone away," he tells me and I raise an eyebrow. What gives him the right to judge me? "You say people leave but in the end, you're the one that pushes them away."

"Shut up." If he doesn't stop soon, I'm either going to punch him or walk out of here. He needs to shut his mouth.

"Have you thought of that?" he continues and I can barely breathe now. "Maybe they leave because you don't want them around. Or at least you make them feel that way."

"I fucking said _shut up!"_

"And I'm telling you-"

I try to swing at him but it looks like he expected it. He takes a step back and he grabs my fist before it can make contact with his face. 

His hand stays around my clenched fist and he shakes his head at me. "Monty."

I shake him off of me and he let's go of my fist. I don't wanna punch him but I still have all this fucking energy inside of me, all this fucking anger...

I push him back and he staggers, tries to push my hands away but I push him again and his back makes contact with the door.

He looks at me, all confused and angry. We're both angry. And then I take a step forward, press my body against his and I kiss him so hard you'd think I wanted to hurt him.

My hands move up to touch his face, his neck and I pull him even closer to me. I think he's shocked at first because he's not even breathing, too shocked to move. But then his hands move up to my hair and he starts tugging at it as I push him further into the door. 

He moves his lips against mine, both of us messy, aggressive and rough. I think I can already feel myself getting hard and thinking about the last time we kissed and what that lead to isn't helping.

He manages to pull away and he rests his forehead against mine as he tries to catch his breath. "Tell me what happened. The car accident."

He's still hung up on that?

"I died," I tell him and then I press my lips against his again. It's not a lie, the car accident was the beginning of the end.

Our bodies are so close together than I don't even know which heartbeat I'm feeling right now. Fuck, this is much better than punching him. 

He starts to sink to his knees but then someone knocks on the door and he jumps as if only now just realising where we are. His office. 

"Fuck," he whispers and he pushes me away from him. He's not really gonna open the door, is he?

But he does and I rub my lips with the back of my hand knowing that they look like they've been attached to a vacuum cleaner. I stand a step or two behind him to not look suspicious, Holden is standing in the hallway and he looks at Winston, at me and then back to Winston.

"Yeah?" Winston asks wanting to distract Holden from our messy hair and swollen lips. 

Holden looks disorientated and he shakes his head lightly. "I, uh, I wanted to talk to you?"

Thank the Lord, I can at least get out of here. I walk past Winston and then I push past Holden. Both of them stare after me wondering what the hell I'm doing.

"I'll catch you later?" I say to Winston and he nods. We _r_ _eally_ should hang out more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that I didn't post for so long, something came up yesterday xx  
> i hope you liked this, id love to know what you though of it xx


	8. What Happened in Prison?

**Eight**

You know... Sitting in the audience isn't so bad anymore. Not with a view like this.

Third match that I'm not playing. We lost our last one, I blame Joe. He could have scored but he passed to one of our midfielders instead and the guy's shot was blocked. A draw would have been better than a loss.

It was an away game, Winston went with them and I was really bored without him around. Not like I enjoy his company or whatever, he's just good at blowing me. Miles better than Leeya who's currently ignoring me because I forgot about her mother's birthday. I barely remember my own, she can't be serious.

I'm not cheating on Leeya, I'm just getting blown by some guy who means less than nothing to me. Leeya and Winston are not the same.

I'm in the VIP section obviously, watching the match but not really paying attention. The people around me look like they want to ask for an autograph or some shit but are too scared to ask. Maybe they're worried that I'll beat them like I did to that guy.

So far, Winston and I have been quite consistent. I go to his office after practice (or sometimes before) to 'talk' and he blows me and then I stay and talk for a while. Anders is trying to work out what it is that's making me be a little less aggressive these days. As if I'd tell him that the producer's son's blow jobs are so good that I do whatever he tells me to.

Winston doesn't want me to fight? Done. Winston wants me to do an interview? Done. Winston wants me to publicly apologise for that fight? I wasn't happy with him but he had his ways. Done.

I keep my eyes on Winston who is standing on the sidelines, occasionally taking pictures of the team but mostly he's just supervising and sometimes he walks over and sits down with the reserves. He's a people's person, everyone loves him.

He's like the complete opposite of me, people are scared to even look my way but they're practically begging Winston to come over and talk to them even for a second. 

I look at the time. About five more minutes plus injury time till half time and then I can finally see Winston in his office. 

It's torture waiting for the referee to blow his whistle. But when he does, the team finally gets off the pitch and Winston follows.

How long do I wait? We said two minutes at least but God I just wanna see him. I only managed to say hello before the match before someone needed his help with something. I swear the whole crew collectively shares one brain cell, they need Winston to function properly.

I walk out of the VIP section and the security guys nod at me. I ignore them because why should _I_ talk to security? I only do charity work on special occasions.

I walk down the tunnel surrounded by security. They don't ask me what I'm doing here and they mind their own business.

I can hear the shouts and voices coming from both locker rooms on each side of the corridor. Winston's office isn't that far away, hopefully, he's already waiting in there.

I knock on the door and I wait for an invitation.

"Come in!" So I pull down on the door handle and I open the door. Winston is sat in his chair smiling at me. 

"Hey," I say and I close the door behind me. Sometimes he gets so bossy that I forget that this is the same Winston that took me to the beach and planned a secret life with me. But then he gives me this nervous smile and I remember that they're indeed the same person.

"Hey," he says as I walk over to him and sit down on his desk. This is the slightly awkward part where neither of us knows what to say. "So... I'm happy to get away from the game."

I raise an eyebrow. "How so?" I know that he's not a big soccer fan but he usually seems interested in watching us play.

He shrugs. "Kinda boring when you're not playing," he says and his hand moves to rest on my knee. I don't know why but I never expected him to be this confident with stuff like this. Even when he was the only person able to argue with them and the only person who challenged me, I always thought that if we were ever to... sleep together he'd let me be in control. But he likes the power.

It's been almost two weeks of secret blow jobs and hand jobs and we've obviously thought about fucking although neither of us has said anything out loud. I want to but I wouldn't know where to start. I could just wing it and pretend I know what I'm doing like I did when I had my first time with a girl.

"Joe not good enough of a view?" I tease him and he chuckles quietly. Joe might be able to replace me in some ways, but he'll never be me. As soon as the ban is over I'm getting back in the game.

"Listen, Monty..." Winston says and he hesitates. I don't like it when he starts off like that, it usually means he's nervous about telling me and he's almost never nervous to tell me what he thinks.

"What is it?" Whatever it is, I'm sure that I can handle it.

Winston smiles at me and he bites his bottom lip. "So I was thinking, maybe we could... Hang out?"

"We _are_ hanging out," I tell him. I see him almost every day and he's probably the only person I talk to so frequently. Apart from Anders of course who's trying to become my therapist or some shit.

Winston shifts uncomfortably in his chair. "Yeah but... Can we hang out outside of my office?"

I suddenly understand what he's trying to say. He actually wants to hang out with me without having to suck my dick and I mean... It can't be that bad, right? That day at the beach was pretty fun.

"What do you have in mind?" I ask him. If I don't like it, I can just make up some excuse and have Anders get me out of it.

Winston keeps chewing on his lip and then he swallows. "I wanted to erm, go to a zoo and take some photos? For my portfolio. But I don't wanna go alone so..."

I rub my eyes. "But I thought you were like against all that animals in cages bullshit and all," I say and Winston smiles like he's glad that I remembered. 

"Yeah, that's why I'm going," he tells me and shrugs. 

So he wants me to tag along while he talks shit about zoos and animal cruelty and whatever else? I have better things to do with my life.

I scratch my neck awkwardly. "I mean... Do you really need me there?" Can't he just go by himself? What's so hard about taking a few photos of some sick looking animals?

Winston moves forwards in his chair so that he's closer to me and he puts his hands on my thighs. Manipulative little bastard.

"I'd really like it if you were there, yes," he says and he slowly moves his hands up and down my thighs. I can't really concentrate on anything else other than his hands so I nod. "Is that a yes?" Winston asks, his hands creeping up higher up my thigh until both of them meet at the top of my jeans. I'm already hard.

"Yes," I mumble and I try to shift so that his hands are closer to my crotch. He immediately takes them away. "Hey!"

He grins and stands up from his chair. "Gotta go, looks like the game will be starting again soon and the guys need me there."

"But..." I say and I stare at him as he starts to walk away from me. He can't get my hopes up like this. How long does it take to blow me? Five minutes? We've got more than five minutes until the second half starts.

"Sorry, Monty. Not my priority right now," he says and he walks out of the door leaving me horny, unsatisfied and alone.

***

"If you see something-"

"How does this bullshit even work?" I stare at the camera in my hand and I look through the viewfinder or whatever Winston called it. I see nothing.

We're in his apartment and it's still early. Like six in the morning or something so we can go to the zoo and then be back in time for training. 

He's showing me all that photography bullshit he has and trying to get me to be interested so I don't get completely bored at the zoo. I think I'm too tired for this, I've never been up and functioning this early. I need something to wake me up.

Winston's back is to me, still fussing over the cameras trying to decide which one to take so I put the camera down on his desk and I walk over to the window. 

I open it slightly and then I fumble around my pocket for the joint I had saved for today.

"Don't," Winston says and I turn away from the window. I haven't even pulled it out yet. "Not inside," he tells me and he shakes his head.

"The window's open," I say and I get the joint out of my pocket. Now for a lighter...

"Monty, don't," he repeats again in the same 'no arguments' voice he always uses with me and the crew. I groan and roll my eyes.

"But-"

"I'll tell Bradley to drug test you," Winston says and I can't tell if he's joking or not. Bradley knows that I smoke weed, he knows that I've taken worse shit and he minds his own business. He just lets Anders deal with all my fucked up bullshit.

"Fuck you," I say quietly and I put the joint back into my pocket. I'll just smoke it later.

Winston looks around and he spots the camera that I put back onto the desk. He sighs. "Maybe you should just stick to the camera on your phone."

"Mhm." As if I'm gonna be taking any photos anyway. I'll just fuck around, find something to entertain myself with and leave him to it.

But Winston has other ideas. "Fucking come here," he says and I look up to meet his eyes. "I'll teach you how to use this thing."

I groan. "Fuck, it's like six in the morning and you wanna explain this shit to me? I'm not gonna take in a word you say." 

"Well, then you better listen because I'm not repeating myself," Winston concludes and he holds the camera out to me. He's being serious.

So I eventually give in because I know he's not gonna let it go and he explains and points to some buttons. I'll just click the button and take a pciture, it's not that hard.

I'll make him regret wasting my time with this bullshit.

"Okay, can we go now?" I groan as he places the camera around my neck. I look like a goddamned tourist.

Winston nods. "Yeah, just... I don't know what time the bus is coming..."

I stare at him. "You're fucking with me right?" He doesn't say anything, just swallows. The bus? The fucking bus again? But then he breaks into a grin. 

"I'm fucking with you," he says and he laughs. "Come on, I'll drive."

***

I meant it when I said I was going to make him regret it.

"Hey, Winston. Winston. Winston, hey, Winston look at me."

"Wha-"

Click. Snap.

That's like the hundredth photo I've taken of him today. He isn't paying much attention to me, he's actually focusing on this bullshit. I'm getting bored.

Winston rolls his eyes at me. "I thought you were meant to be taking photos of the suffering at the zoo."

"I am," I tell him and I grin. He's trying his best to stay mad at me but then he breaks out in a grin. "Come on, you don't look like you're enjoying yourself even one bit."

We're currently watching some tiger being fed and it's not even that busy. It's a Tuesday morning so obviously there aren't many people around yet. 

Winston sighs. "I'm not here to enjoy myself," he says and he takes another picture of the tiger trying to climb the wooden pole to get to the chicken meat hung on top of it. 

"I thought you like photography," I say and I pull myself up to sit on a stone wall that I probably shouldn't be sitting on.

Winston doesn't reply for a second as he looks through the photos he took. "What? I do. I do like photography," he says and then he stops to take another picture of the tiger sliding back down the pole. He shakes his head. "I just... Taking photos like this isn't exactly what I want to be doing. But someone has to."

Yeah, yeah, college work or whatever. College is useless. 

"So what _do_ you want to take photos of?" I ask him as he takes a step back to join me by the stone wall.

He shrugs and takes the camera away from his face. "I don't know... I like taking photos of people. I guess. That's why I agreed to this... soccer thing in the first place," he tells me and he turns his head to look at me. "It's really interesting how you behave on the pitch. All of you, I mean."

Interesting? We kick a ball, we tackle each other to the ground, we pretend to be hurt so we get a penalty and we spit on the ground like animals. There's nothing interesting about it. 

"If you say so," I say and Winston snaps another picture.

"Come on, I wanted to get some of the lions too." Winston starts walking away and I jump down from the wall. Oh joy, more suffering ahead.

So I let him do whatever he needs to do and I stay back and snap pictures of trash, my feet, random people... Anything really.

Then I feel a hand on my shoulder and I almost jump out of my skin.

"Hey, I think I got enough," Winston tells me and smiles. "Wanna see some?"

"Why not," I say and I sigh as he clicks through pictures on his camera, telling me some photography bullshit that I don't understand nor care about. "I think they're all shit," I interrupt him and he freezes in place. He stares at me like he actually looks hurt.

"Excuse me?" he says and I think I hurt his feelings but I don't care, he needs to hear this.

"I said that they're all shit," I repeat. "Winston, I've seen the pictures you took for our social media, those are miles better compared to this bullshit. I mean, come on. Animal cruelty? I could get hundreds of similar pictures to this one from google."

He stares at me and his eyebrows inch together. "Wow. And I thought you couldn't be more of a dickhead."

What? Here I am actually trying to help me but he starts walking away from me like he can't take some fucking criticism.

I chase after him like some fucking dog and I step in front of him to stop him. "Why don't you take photos of what you actually like?" I suggest trying to amend for my earlier comment. "Isn't that what college is about, doing what you love?"

"Just like you do what you love?" Winston says and he raises an eyebrow. That's one thing I hate about him, I say my opinion out loud and instead of agreeing with me like everyone else does, he challenges me.

"Huh?"

"Come on, soccer? You don't enjoy it one bit," Winston scoffs. I try to defend myself but he doesn't give me the chance. "I've seen you on the pitch. And I've seen everyone else too. Leo, Joe, Holden... Everyone. They look their happiest when they're playing. And you-"

"And I what?" I interrupt him. I want him to get the hint and just stop talking but Winston just never fucking listens to me.

He takes a deep breath and glances around us. "You score a goal and you're frowning before it even hits the back of the net. Leo comes over to celebrate with you and you look disappointed like you're still not pleased with how you're doing. Fuck, you could be the best goddamn soccer player in the world and I _know_ you still wouldn't be happy."

I clench my fists and I bite down on my bottom lip to stop the insults and cursing from coming out. But like always, my anger gets the better of me.

"You don't know shit about me, so stop pretending like you do," I tell him. He blows me a couple of times a week and he suddenly thinks that this gives him the right to start analysing me?

I'm not happy? Of course, I'm fucking happy! Don't you see how fucking happy I am? Living my best life playing soccer, getting interviewed and hanging out with other famous cunts. I couldn't be happier.

"Monty, wait!" Winston shouts after me as I start to walk away with my fists clentched. He can fuck off. I could be sleeping right now but instead, I had to come here to listen to his bullshit analysis of me.

Of course, he gives up after like the fourth shout and he doesn't even run after me. Fucking bastard. I'd rather take the bus home than spend another second with him.

***

I managed to avoid Winston for all of training. Maybe he was avoiding me too. Maybe he's just as pissed off at me as I am at him. But what for? It's not like I did anything wrong.

I'm by my car, smoking a cigarette when Holden comes over to join me.

"Smoking? You're just begging to get in trouble now," he says and he takes the half-finished cigarette out of my mouth and throws it to the ground before stomping on it.

"Fuck you, I needed that," I say and I search my pockets for a new one.

Holden makes a face at me and shakes his head. "What's bothering you?" he asks and when I don't reply he sighs. "You usually don't smoke unless you're really pissed off about something."

Here we go again with the analysis. Are all my friends training to be psychiatrists now?

"Fuck off Holden," I say. I give up trying to get the second cigarette out of my pocket. The crew starts filing outside and I don't want any pictures of me smoking to land on the internet. Anders would kill me with his bare hands.

"Has it got anything to do with Winston? And why you two are avoiding each other like the plague?" Holden asks and he sounds a bit amused.

I frown. "What the hell are you talking about?" Yeah, Winston and I are avoiding each other but we usually do in public anyway. It's only in his office that we get to 'hang out'. But of course, Holden walked in and saw us and the aftermath of a makeout session that one time.

Holden hesitates as if contemplating whether or not he should confront me about what he walked in on those two weeks ago or so.

"Nothing," he says eventually. "I guess I just thought you guys were friends that's all."

"Well, we're not. Friends," I correct him. Friends? Far from it. "I barely talk to the guy." Producer's son blah blah blah, no one has to know that's he's blowing me behind the scenes.

Holden nods. "Alright," he says and then he sighs. He's still here, can he fuck off already so I can go home and smoke in peace?

" _What?_ " I groan and I roll my eyes. Holden wants something, I just don't know what it is.

"Are you and Leeya still together?" he then asks me and just raise my eyebrows not really expecting this to be what he wanted me to say.

"Yeah. Obviously. Why wouldn't we be?" I say and Holden starts to shift uncomfortably from foot to foot.

Come on, spit it out.

He sighs. "When the last time you guys spent some quality time together?"

And now Holden is worried about my love life too? Quality time? What's that even supposed to mean?

I shrug. "Dunno." Leeya's been in a pissy mood with me lately like I said. But Holden is onto something, maybe I should spend some time with her.

"Why do you care?" I ask him because I still find the topic a little unexpected.

Holden bites on his lip and he looks away. "I just think that... It could be good for you," he says and he swallows nervously. "Look, Monty, it's probably nothing but I've heard-"

"You guys are still here?" Joe shouts over interrupting our conversation. Oh fuck, not this dumb cunt again. His ego is the size of Europe now that he's playing regularly. I think he's lying to himself thinking that he can replace me. He can't.

I look at Holden and then back at my car completely forgetting that we were in the middle of a conversation just seconds ago. Joe is walking towards us and I'd rather be out of here before he comes.

"I'll catch you later?" I say and I get into my car without even waiting for Holden to give me a reply.

Whatever he wanted to say, I'm sure we can talk about it another time.

***

Day fucking three of avoiding Winston. The little bastard is getting on my last nerve. Can he just call me into his office and blow me as an apology before I forget what his mouth feels like?

Honestly, at this point I don't even care if we're arguing or not, I just want it to be over.

I took Holden's advice and I took Leeya out on a date. Got her some nice flowers and Anders managed to get me a reservation at her favourite restaurant and I don't think I've seen her happier.

We're okay for now. But the bullshit is gonna start again soon. She's going to be asking me about moving in and whatever else before the end of the week.

It's like one in the morning I think. Leeya is asleep in my bed but I can't sleep. Again.

Since Winston started asking about the car accident, I've been having more and more nightmares about it. I'm not sure what the real version is anymore. But one thing that I'm sure of is that I was and always will be completely at fault.

So I sit on my couch, running my fingers through my hair and trying to calm myself down.

Usually, a long drive around the city would do the trick but I've had quite a lot to drink and I'm not risking anything. Not after the dream I just had.

I close my eyes for a couple of seconds while I replay my dream in my head over and over again until I get numb to it and it hurts less and less.

I think... Someone might be knocking? I look at the clock on the wall, it's just past four in the morning. Fuck. Did I really sit here for that long?

I can't think of anyone who would show up at my house this early in the morning except for Anders. I'm already worried.

So I don't hesitate to walk over to the door and open it. But it's not Anders.

"How the fuck do you know where I live?" I ask Winston who's stood on my doorstep playing with the earphones in his hands.

He shrugs and glances around the corridor like he'd rather not be having this conversation out here in the hallway.

"Come in then," I say and I hold the door ajar. He walks in reluctantly and I lock the door again.

"I was-"

"Be quiet, Leeya's sleeping in the bedroom," I interrupt him. It looks like he thought we were alone. Maybe he completely forgot about Leeya since he started blowing me. 

He nods and lowers his voice. "I was in the area and I just wanted to erm... To see you. See how you were doing."

I raise an eyebrow and I go back over to the couch to sit. I think I feel a headache coming on. Great.

Winston is waiting for me to speak I realise and I rub my hands down my face. "You were in the area? It's like... Four in the morning."

He looks around awkwardly still standing on his feet. "I know. I was doing my morning run," he says and he holds up his earphones like its proof of it.

"Oh."

We sit in silence for a couple of seconds, neither of us looking at one another. I clear my throat.

"Maybe I should leave," Winston says and he starts walking back towards the door. Is he really gonna leave _now?_

"I fucked up my shoulder," I say stopping him in his tracks. He slowly turns his body to face me. He looks confused as fuck.

"That's why I can't play football and I have to play soccer instead," I explain. That's why I'm never happy, because every goal that I score reminds me that I'm scoring goals and not touchdowns. Goals and soccer mean almost nothing here in the US, I mean almost nothing here.

Winston slowly walks over to the couches and he sits next to me. He starts to observe my shoulder like he's looking for a sign that it's fucked up. Trust me, it is.

"Did it erm... Did it happen in prison?" he asks. He's a smart guy, he obviously worked out some sort of timeline in his head. I was good at football in high school and then my football career ended abruptly. The internet says that I spent some time to 'discover myself' which is how I found out I actually wanted to play soccer instead. Or at least that's what Anders sold to them.

"I, erm. There was this guy. This big guy," I explain. I don't even have to say yes. "And you know me, I can't stay out of trouble for more than five minutes. And so I got into an argument with this big guy, can't even remember what it was about but I just kept on running my mouth until he... He shut me up."

Winston stares at me with wide eyes, unsure of what to do. But I'm not finished yet.

I lean back in the couch until I can rest my head, my neck bent at an awkward angle.

"The guards managed to get him off of me but then the next day, three of is friends came up to me in the cafeteria and they beat the living shit out of me. Broke three of my ribs, my nose, twisted my elbow and dislocated my shoulder." I tell him and I shudder at the memory. "The guards didn't do shit, I think the guys must have paid them off or something. But they just stood there and watched as those three massive white guys beat me until I was almost dead."

You don't start shit with people in prison. You just don't. You mind your fucking business and pray that no one is paying any attention to you.

Winston is waiting patiently, still not interrupting.

"I _felt_ like I was dead. It took me so fucking long to recover..." I say and I take a deep breath in. "But yeah, they fucked up my shoulder and erm, it didn't heal properly or some shit. So you know, it works perfectly fine but... I can't play football. Not unless I want to fuck myself up even more."

Sometimes I _do_ want to fuck myself up even more, but that's what the alcohol and drugs are for. I still need to have a working shoulder to play soccer.

"I'm sor-"

"Shut the fuck up." I snap at him and I sit up properly. "No one's stopping you from doing what you love. You wanna take photos of people? Do that. Fucking do it while you still can, okay?"

Winston nods slowly and then we both look away and stare at nothing in silence.

High school was one of the best and worst times of my life. So much fucking shit happened back then and technically I didn't even finish high school. But high school football... Everything about it was good. I'd do anything to go through that again.

"Are you mad at me?" Winston then asks and I turn to look at him. I raise an eyebrow. Mad at him? What for? "I was forcing you to answer those questions during that interview and..."

I scoff. "That was ages ago." I've already forgotten about it.

"So we're good?" Winston asks and I nod. I think the lack of sleep is finally hitting me, I rub my eyes and blink a few times to stay away. Winston notices and he stands up from the couch getting ready to leave.

"And if you ever need anything... You can always come to me. Always." he says.

If only I had known how much I'd need his help later on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading :)


	9. Tell Me About Achilles

**Nine**

I promised, I fucking promised that this would never happen again.

My phone. My fucking phone. Please tell me that I didn't fucking leave it there. No, fuck. It's in my pocket. I take it out, my hand still trembling and I can barely see anything with how dark it is.

The screen lights up, less than half the battery left but it's more than enough. I swipe my thumb across the screen leaving a smear of red behind.

Fuck.

Who's fucking blood is it? Mine or his? His. Definitely his. Actually I'm not sure.

Doesn't matter fucking concentrate you idiot. Get out of there before someone sees you and calls the cops.

My hands are trembling. I notice that when I press the phone icon on my screen. Usually, if they're shaking after a fight it means that I'm still angry. But I'm not angry. For the first time in my life, I'm scared. I'm fucking scared. I've never felt fear like this, not even when those guys were beating the shit out of me in that prison cafeteria.

Don't fucking cry, I tell myself. You're not a child. You're not a fucking kid, keep it together and get out of here.

My plan was to call Anders. He always knows what to do. Just thinking about him sorting this out makes me relax. And then I think about telling him and explaining how this happened and that idea is gone out of my head because I know that the minute I tell him, he's out of this. And he's not gonna he back.

So I scroll down my contact list. All the way down to 'W' where I see another name of a person I think I can trust.

I'd call Holden if he wasn't getting so nosey and asking so many questions, but he'd definitely let me stay at his place for the night. I don't feel safe going back home. Maybe I'd call Joe if- fuck no. I'd never call Joe.

So I call Winston. And my thumb leaves behind another red smear when I click on his name. I hold the phone up to my ear and I beg the God that I've been slandering all my life that Winston answers.

It's maybe two in the morning. I should have checked the time on my phone. But I press it to my ear and I count the rings.

Three. Four. Five.

And then comes the pause and I wait for an answer on the other side.

"Hello?" his voice sounds groggy and husky. I definitely woke him up.

I'm still shaking, still trying my best not to fucking cry.

"Winston?" I ask and my voice sounds so fucking dry, not louder than a whisper. "I need your help."

***

Winston doesn't say a word as he aids to my bruises. He's cleaned up the blood with a wet tea towel and now he's putting shit on them to make sure I don't get an infection. It stings but the pain is nothing compared to what I feel under my shirt.

My face looks like I've been hit by a moving vehicle, my cheek is so swollen that I can barely see through my right eye, there's a cut on my cheek from a ring or something and there's a gash in my head from where he threw me against the wall and my face scraped past it.

"Anders is gonna be so mad," I mutter to myself. If he finds out that I've been in yet another fight... He'd kill me. And he'll kill himself once he finds out who the fight was with.

Winston doesn't reply. He just puts some more of that antiseptic thing onto the pad and he presses in onto the cut on my face. I close my eyes and I sigh. Maybe I can just hide from Anders until the bruises are gone? Anything would be better than telling him what really happened.

"Monty... I'm worried," Winston then says and when I open my eyes, his lips are set in a thin line. 

I smile. "You care. That's cute."

He frowns and that's the last thing I see before I close my eyes again. Leeya cares but she doesn't care enough to sort the problem out. Anders cares but only about sorting the problem out. Leo only cares if I want to tell him. No one has actually ever cared about me getting hurt. Not even me.

Winston takes the pad away from my face and then he sticks a plaster on the cut. He doesn't say anything else as he does the same with my other wounds. I don't know how much time passes but I'm so tired once he's finished. I haven't even slept today.

"Is that it? Or did they hurt you somewhere else too?" Winston asks and I open my eyes again. Apart from the bruises ribs, the kicks I got to my stomach, the bruised legs and the cut on my hip? No, everything's peachy.

"Just the face," I lie to him and he nods. He's a fool for believing anything that comes out of my mouth. I thought he'd know better by now. He starts to stand up and pack the first aid kit away. "Aren't you gonna... Ask what happened?"

He rubs his hand down his face and he presses his lips together. "Later," he says eventually. "You look fucking exhausted right now, I think I'll just let you sleep."

Let me sleep? He means... Here? In his apartment? 

He sees my panicked face and he clears his throat. "I'll take the couch, the bed's more comfortable and it'll be easier for you to fall asleep."

Easier to fall asleep? I can't remember the last time I slept properly. I don't want to ruin his fantasy of me actually sleeping for once so I keep my mouth tightly sealed.

"Do you need help getting up?" Winston asks me after a moment and I realise that he's waiting for me to move.

"Oh." I slowly stand up, the pain in my ribs is unbearable and I'm pretty sure I've got a limp but I'm trying my best to disguise it. Winston still notices it.

"I'll help," he decides and he walks over to me. I throw my arm over his shoulder as he helps me walk to his bedroom. But then he moves his other hand for better grip and he puts in on my side and I flinch. Winston's eyebrows furrow and he stops.

"What the-" He lifts my shirt up without warning and he exposes the giant purple bruises on the side of my ribs. He stares at it for a second completely dumbfounded.

"Oh, where did that come from?" I say and Winston shakes his head. He doesn't even have the energy to argue with me or ask me why I lied. He just lets go of my shirt and starts walking me to his bedroom again.

We stand by the bed and I let go of him and slowly sit down. Fuck, my ribs are killing me. Laying down is even harder and the relief I get when the back of my head finally touches the pillow is indescribable.

"Shiiitt," I sigh when I can finally lay down and Winston stares at me for a couple of seconds.

"Do you want to change?" he asks and he scratches the back of his neck. "Or maybe borrow some of my clothes? If there's blood on your-"

"I'm not gonna get your bedsheets dirty, don't worry," I groan and I roll my eyes. I reach for the duvet but it's too far and I don't want to move because the ribs...

"That's not what I..." Winston sighs and he reaches over and pulls the duvet over me. "I just want you to be comfortable so if you wanna change-"

"I'll be fine," I tell him. "I don't need you to worry about me. Do I need to remind you this isn't my first injury or what?" He already knows I've been in many fights before and I came out alive, there's no need to make such a big deal out of this.

"I'll bring you some pain killers," Winston says and he hesitates as he hovers over me like he's contemplating kissing me. I wouldn't mind to be completely honest. But then he moves away and walks out of the room to get said pain killers.

I never get them though, I fall asleep within seconds.

***

Someone starts shaking me in the middle of the night and I'm not about to let them interrupt the first decent night of sleep I've had in a long while.

"Fuck off," I groan and I swat those hands away from my shoulder. But that someone doesn't give up.

He keeps saying my name and gently shaking my shoulder and I accidentally press my rib cage against my hand. I breathe in sharply and then groan. Those fucking ribs, I'll cut them out myself in a minute.

"Sorry, sorry," I hear the voice say quickly and when I open my eyes and let them adjust to the darkness, Winston is standing over me. What the fuck is he doing in my bedroom?

"There's someone here to see you," Winston tells me and I slowly sit up. Someone here to see me? What is he-Fuck, this isn't my bed. 

The light turns on with a click and I blink a few times trying to adjust to the light now. A middle-aged man stands in the doorway looking me up and down. What in the hell is going on?

Winston sees my confusion. "Lawrence is a doctor, he's here to just check to see if you're all okay. He... Owes me, he won't tell anyone about this. No questions asked." I'm surprised at how well Winston is handling all of this.

He helps me sit up in bed and this Lawrence dude walks over and starts checking my body for bruises. 

"The ribs... Check the ribs." Winston instructs him so the guy lifts my shirt up and he raises his eyebrows when he sees the bruises on my stomach. He presses down on my ribs and I flinch again but the pain seems to be dull now or maybe I'm just used to it.

"So?" Winston asks impatiently.

"They're not broken or fractured, just a bit knocked up. Jesus kid, who did you piss off?"

"I thought we said no questions," I say and I glance at Winston. 

"Sorry," Lawrence mutters. He checks the rest of my body, the cut on my hip, the bruises on my face and even my ankle when I tell him that it's hurting. Everything seems to be okay. Ish. Okay enough to not have to go to the hospital.

Winston walks Lawrence out and he thanks him for helping us out. Then he goes back into the bedroom and he shakes his head at me.

"What?" I lay back down again. I hope I can still fall asleep. Winston continues to stare at me from the doorway.

"Will you promise me to start taking better care of yourself?" he says and I chuckle at him. Why does he worry so much? About _me_ out of all people? 

"If I say yes, will you leave me alone?" I joke and I bury my head under the covers. But he doesn't find it funny.

"Monty! This isn't a fucking joke, alright?" he says and I hear his footsteps as he walks over to the bed. "I fucking worry about you." 

"Everyone fucking worries," I mumble but not loud enough for Winston to hear. The mattress sinks as he sits down on it and second later his hand is on my shoulder.

"Don't," I say and I shrug him off. He can't be doing this. He's here to blow me and to distract me. He's not supposed to care, he's not supposed to worry about me. I don't want him to become one of _them._ "Just let me sleep, okay?"

I hear him sigh unhappily and then he stands up. "Okay. Goodnight then."

I pretend to be asleep.

***

By the second time that I wake up, Winston has another surprise for me.

"I called Anders," he says as he leans with his shoulder against the door frame. Did I hear him correctly? He called _Anders?_ The only guy that I didn't want finding out about this? He's lost his mind.

"Are you fucking for real?" I ask him and he swallows. If my ribs weren't hurting so damn bad I'd already be out of bed and pushing him against the wall.

"Before you hurt yourself by trying to hit me, let me finish," he says and I press my lips together. "I called Anders and I... I kind of explained shit? As best as I could anyway, he wants to talk to you but I told him that you need to rest right now."

He told Anders and he managed to stop him from bursting down the door to shake some sense into me for getting into another fight? This guy must have superpowers. I think I could learn a thing or two from him.

I relax back in his bed. "What'd you tell him?"

Winston shakes his head. "Doesn't matter. I just want to tell you that I'm leaving for training now so you can sleep. Anders is gonna cover for you so you're not expected to go."

I know what Anders covering for me is like. The team doesn't know shit about my personal life so it's very easy to come up with excuses. I wonder what Anders told them I'd be doing this morning. Attending my favourite's aunts funeral? My cousin went into labour and asked for me? Someone got into an accident and they need me for a blood transfusion? The possibilities are endless.

"Alright," I say and I try to go back to sleep again. Why is his bed more comfortable than mine?

"Just don't touch my shit, alright?" Winston says. "I'll be back in a few hours."

"You got it," I tell him before he walks out leaving me alone. But I'm already intrigued, what is he hiding?

I try to fall asleep and convince myself that no, I don't need to look through Winston's shit. His bedroom is so organised that he'd be able to spot a hair out of place. 

But I can't fall asleep and before I know it, I'm over by his bookshelf looking at all the books he has. Some classics right at the top that I don't even bother touching but as you go down the shelf, it starts to get interesting. 

There are some weird books here, something about Greek Gods. I've never been into religion but I start reading and I get into it. There's so many of them that it's hard to remember whos' married to who and so on.

I lay in his bed, the books sprawled all around me in sections, books I've read, books I need to read and books I can use for reference in case I get confused with a guy again.

"I see someone's having fun." I hear and when I look up, Winston is standing by the doorway and staring at me. I expected him to be mad but he's smiling.

"I was bored," I explain and he nods and walks towards the bed.

"Here, brought you something to eat." He places a bag down next to me but I just briefly glance at it. I'm not hungry. 

Winston stands there, watching my read for a few seconds. He goes over to stand by the bookshelf and then he sits next to me on the bed. "You know, you remind me of one of them."

I raise an eyebrow. Is he really comparing me to a Greek God? "Yeah? Which one?"

He hesitates and then he reaches for a book from the 'have read' pile so he has something to hold. "Achilles."

The name sounds familiar and I try to remember where I heard it. "He's the... Warrior guy, right?"

Winston nods. "Yeah. The greatest warrior in fact," he says and he flicks through the pages of the book. He's interested in this shit but he seems embarrassed to be talking about it.

"Tell me about him," I say because he obviously knows more about this than me. "Tell me about Achilles."

He grins and traces over a picture of Zeus with his finger. "He was... Like this hero, you know. Everyone looked up to him," he says and then he grins. "But he was kind of an asshole too. Really arrogant."

"Like me?" I ask and he rolls his eyes. He did say that I reminded him of him. But arrogant asshole? Really?

"I'm not gonna answer that," he says and then he laughs to himself. "Or as Monty de la Cruz would say: Pass."

Oh so now he's making fun of me. "Yeah yeah. Very funny." I say and I put the book down. My eyes hurt from reading so much, I can't remember the last time I read something longer than a tweet.

Then Winston smiles to himself. "There was this guy..." he says slowly. "Patroclus. He was pretty much the only guy that Achilles wasn't an asshole to."

Sounds kind of familiar. "And that's you?" I ask him with a lopsided grin and he turns to me.

"You said it, not me," he says and then he puts the book to the side. 

I lay down and so does he, we lay next to each other and he reaches up to touch the bruise on my cheek. It doesn't hurt and I don't flinch so Winston gently moves his finger across it.

"So what happened to them?" I then ask and Winston tilts his head. I need to distract him before he gets to ask what happened to my face. "Achillies and the other guy. Did they date or what?"

Winston bites his lip and takes his hand away from my face. "I mean... I think they were dating, it was pretty obvious that they loved each other but they never... said it," he tells me and then he licks his lips. "Erm... Patroclus died in a battle for Achillies and then... It was... They definitely slept together though."

Winston continues telling the story, stroking my cheek and I listen as he tells me about a war. It's relaxing, the sound of his voice is so soothing and his touch... I could fall asleep from this. But I don't because my phone rings.

Winston charged it for me overnight and I reach over to get it. The blood smudges are gone. I look at the caller ID. Fuck, it's Leeya.

"Hey, babe..." I say when I answer. I try to sit up and I rest my back against the headboard. Winston stays laying down and he watches me.

"Where the hell are you?" Leeya asks me. "I thought you'd be back from practice by now and the bed doesn't even look slept in, did you come home last night? What happened?"

I rub my eyes as I listen to her ramble on. But I know how to talk to Leeya.

"Babe, I'm okay. I'm staying with a friend," I tell her and Winston raises his eyebrows at the word 'friend'. I can already picture Leeya worrying about who this 'friend' could be. It's best to change the topic. "I got into a fight."

And that changes her mood from being annoyed at me to being concerned about me. Just how I wanted it.

She starts asking if I'm okay, how it happened, if I need to go to the hospital blah blah blah... I zone out after a minute.

"I'm fine, really," I tell her. "I just need to rest." I just want you to leave me the fuck alone so I can stay here and not have to worry about you starting the 'I should move in with you' conversation. But Leeya doesn't always follow the script in my head. 

"Can you come home? I'm worried about you," she says and I close my eyes for a couple of seconds. Come home? "Monty?"

"Alright," I eventually say and I glance at Winston but he's not looking at me. "I'll be home... soon."

I hang up on her and put my phone to the side. Winston doesn't look happy that I'm leaving as I start to get out of his bed. I think the pain killers are wearing off because I'm starting to feel my ribs again.

"Make sure to talk to Anders," Winston reminds me and I groan.

"Yeah, yeah, I will," I say but I'll try put it off for as long as I can. I manage to stand up on my own and I try to flatten my hair down as best as I can. Winston picked me up in his car from the side of the road last night which means-

"Do you need a ride home?" Winston asks me and he gets off the bed and walks over to the bookshelf to start putting the books away. 

I want a ride home, but that doesn't mean I need one. I shake my head. "Nah, I'll just get a taxi or something." Winston doesn't try to change my mind. He doesn't even look at me when I walk out of his bedroom.

"Bye then," I say and he finally glances my way. He tries to smile and he gives me a small wave before I close his bedroom door.

***

After Leeya stopped fussing over me, she eventually left me in peace so Anders could talk to me. I was practically begging her to stay so Anders wouldn't come over. But Leeya wouldn't hear any of it.

"What did, uh, what did Winston tell you?" I ask him as I sit down on the couch. He's acting surprisingly calm. 

He shrugs and pushes his hair back. That greasy long hair that _still_ hasn't been washed. Or maybe it's that new hair oil he was telling me about.

"Why don't you tell me what happened?" he says and I bite down on my bottom lip. Where do I even start?

_"You sure you're gonna be alright walking home?" Leo asked. He had his arm around my shoulder, no not to stabilise me but to stabilise himself. I barely had anything to drink and I wasn't as drunk as he was._

_As you can guess, I was ending the night just as Leo started talking about his brother again. I've got his rants memorised by now._

_So I walked him out of the bar and towards the taxi that was waiting by the sidewalk. I opened the door and he went inside._

_"Love you, Remy," he muttered as I tried to push him inside the car. I rolled my eyes but I didn't comment on the awful nickname._

_"Yeah, yeah, love you too. Whatever," I say and I closed the car door for him right before the taxi drove away._

_I started walking home. I needed to clear my head after the day I've had. Leeya was starting to have doubts about our relationship, she walked out on me and when I called Leo for advice, he suggested drinks. That was hours ago._

_I stopped to look for a cigarette and I hoped that I hadn't given my last one to Leo. I searched my pockets but I couldn't find one and when I looked up again, something caught my eye across the road. It was dark, very late at night or very early the next morning and there was barely anyone around because I took the sketchy way home._

_I stared at them for a second too long because I thought that I had recognised them. But they couldn't be... Anders would have told me if they got out of prison early, right?_

_So I stayed there and I stared until one of them noticed and made eye contact with me. Oh, it was definitely them. I'll never forget the eyes of the man who almost beat me to death._

_I kept my head down and I continued walking. The plan was to get away from them and go into a populated place so it would be easier to get away from them. But they had seen me and they weren't going to let me go easy._

_"De la Cruz!" They shouted after me and I was considering running but my legs just wouldn't let me. My body was sabotaging me as my muscles started to tense up and my chest felt so tight that I thought I was having another one of those panic attacks._

_They know my name, I thought. But of course, they know my name. They probably know who I am too, they know about my new life. Were they waiting for me out here or did they find me purely by coincidence? I hope it's the latter._

_They kept calling my name until I felt those massive hands on my shoulder as he pushed me back into an alleyway. I pleaded with them, told them that they had the wrong person but they just laughed._

_They kept laughing as they repeatedly smashed their fists into my face. But my face wasn't the objective, never was._

_I slid down the wall and fell to the floor even though I tried my best to shield my stomach. But there was two of them and only one of them. Two of them had gotten out. What happened to the third one? Because we all know what happened to the fourth one, the guy who started it all._

_They kicked and kicked and their shoes dug into my flesh, hit my ribs and then one of them pulled out a knife. I didn't look up but I'm guessing that it was Derek, he always had a thing for sharp objects._

_He slashed at my hip but the other guy, Pete, he looked terrified._

_"What are you? An idiot? Put that fucking thing away," he shouted and they started struggling. One of them cut his hand in the process and their blood got mixed up with mine._

_They left me there and ran. I couldn't move for a second but then I got up from the ground and... And I called Winston._

"You kind of know the rest," I finish and Anders chews on his lip while he thinks. "Well? Aren't you gonna say anything? Those guys-"

"It's my fault," Anders interrupts me and I stare at him. He shifts uncomfortably. "I knew that they had gotten out but I... I didn't want to tell you because-"

He _what?_ He _knew?_

"Because what?" I shout and I stan up from the couch. Because I would have stayed up all night worrying about them? That's better than getting the shit beaten out of me. "You know what? Go fuck yourself! You're fired! You're fucking fired, you hear that? Get the fuck out of my house!"

I point to the door and Anders slowly stands up. "You don't mean that."

"You fucking son of a bitch! I mean every single fucking word!" I trusted him. I fucking did and instead of proving that he's worthy of my trust... Fuck him. 

Ander shakes his head and starts walking towards the door. That's right, leave. Fucking leave like everyone else.

He stops by the door and turns to me. "I'm going to give you a few days to calm down and then we can talk and decide what to-"

"Fuck off," I interrupt him. Does he not understand the meaning of 'fired'? I never want to see him ever again. I'm alone on this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading :)


	10. Know Your Limits

**Chapter Ten**

Okay, so I didn't fire Anders. I realised that it may not have been the smartest thing to do and Winston agreed. I can't get a new manager now while I'm freaking out about two former convicts that probably want me dead.

I've been staying away from him this past week. Winston, not Anders. I worry that he may be getting attached and neither of us wants that. 

The guys are playing a match tonight. The last match that I'm banned from. And if it wasn't for the bruises all around, I'd be so excited about getting to play again.

"More painkillers?"

"No, I'm alright. Thank you," I smile at Leeya as she gets back into bed with me. Spending less time with Winston means spending more time with my girlfriend. 

She leans in and kisses me making sure not to touch any of the bruises or swelling on my face. Anders told the team that I was jumped by some random motherfuckers and that's it. He's been spending all his time trying to figure out if the guys know who I am and if they do, to keep them silent about my time in prison. 

"Oh, baby..." she says softly as she touches my face. She's being nice to me so far, no arguments, no deep talks about our future. She just worries about me. "Has Anders said anything new about those guys?"

I shake my head. The thing about Leeya, she knows nothing about my life before soccer. Nothing at all apart from what I tell her. And that's all lies. When I'm with her, I can be Montgomery de la Cruz the soccer player. Not Montgomery de la Cruz the former convict who's trying and failing to turn his life around.

Leeya thinks this was just a random attack with no ties to my past. I've already told Winston that those two guys were the same fuckers that almost killed me in prison.

"It's scary, right? That those people are still out there. I don't want them to get to you again," Leeya continues and I stroke her cheek with my thumb.

"They won't do it again," I reassure both her and myself. "They're probably just some thugs looking for some cash. It could have been anyone."

If I had taken that taxi home with Leo, or if I hadn't gone out in the first place... Everything would be okay and I wouldn't be staying up all night wondering if those guys know anything else about me.

"I'm sure Anders will sort it out," Leeya says and she kisses my healing lips again. Then she smiles and I try my best to smile back. "So what do we want for breakfast?"

She gets off of me and walks over to her closet to pick out a coat. I stretch. Breakfast? I'm sure it's like afternoon but if we want to pretend that it's morning then sure let's do it.

"Anything will be perfect," I say and she smiles at me. She walks to the door. "Um, babe?"

We're practically the picture-perfect couple right now, just like we were a while back when I was a well-behaved soccer star and she was my perfect little girlfriend that came to all of the games. We could go back to that. We _should_ go back to that.

"Yeah?"

"Would you like to go watch the soccer game with me later? At the stadium?" I ask her and for a second she just stays frozen in place. She tries her best to be supportive all the time but she's busy with college and she hasn't been to one of my games in a while now.

"Sure, that would be great," she then says and I relax.

It's time to get my life in order. Stick to my girlfriend, stop looking for fights and definitely _definitely_ stop getting friendly with the crew. I need to stop spilling bullshit about my life to any random fucker that asks. Who knows what Winston could do with that information now.

***

Leeya and I sit in the VIP area as the guys warm up on the field. I think we're doing well. The crew already took thousands of pictures of us smiling and holding hands, we look like the happiest couple on earth. And we are.

She's texting her girlfriends while I scroll through Twitter trying to see what the world is saying about us. Not much but that isn't always a bad thing. 

"Would you want to go to lunch with Katie and Liam?" Leeya asks me and she puts a hand on my knee. Katie and Liam? I don't even know who they are, maybe I should pay more attention to Leeya when she talks to me.

"Sure," I say simply and she goes back to texting. I'm about to put my phone away, googling yourself in public is risky, but then I get a text notification.

_**Winston:** _ _Can we talk?_

The second text arrives seconds after.

_**Winston:** _ _My office._

Does he not understand that I'm trying to avoid him? I thought he'd get the hint by now but obviously not. 

I briefly consider telling Leeya that I'll be right back, just need to discuss something with... Someone. But do I really even want to see Winston? Not really, no. I need to focus on what's important. And what's important is my fake life and my girlfriend which I love very much.

So I turn my phone off and I stuff it into my pocket to avoid any distractions. I have nothing else to do so I watch as the guys warm up. Leo and Joe keep messing about.

I think I now know why Leo keeps bailing on me. He's hanging out with Joe instead. To think that I only got beat the fuck up because I went out for drinks with Leo, I should have fucking stayed home.

About an hour later, I'm sick of the game. Joe has scored and he was jumping around like a maniac with this big shit-eating grin. I sit there, one leg resting on the other and my head propped up by my arm. 

Leeya is pissing me off too. I don't understand why she's this fucking happy that we're winning, it's not like we lose often. I can't be mad at her for being in a good mood though.

I think everyone's in a good mood. Everyone but me and... Winston.

I blew him up so of course, he's in a bad mood. He's stood at the sidelines, tapping his foot and following the ball with his eyes. I feel bad for ignoring his text now. Maybe he didn't really want to talk, he could have just blown me and then everyone would be happier. One blowjob can't hurt, right?

I pull my phone out, turn it back on and I wait. Leeya isn't paying any attention to me so I open my conversation with Winston. He sent me more texts after I turned my phone off.

_**Winston:** Are you coming?_

_**Winston:** Why aren't you answering?_

Okay so maybe he's mad at me. I send him one text and I watch him stand there at the sidelines. He reads the text and immediately puts his phone into his back pocket without a second thought. Alright then. Go fuck yourself.

I put my phone away too and I watch the rest of the match in silence. I don't take my eyes off the ball.

***

Call me childish but if Winston is gonna ignore me then I'll ignore him too. He's gonna give in first, I know he is.

I barged past him when I was walking to Leo and he didn't even stop or say anything. I talked to some of the crew guys and then I walked away as soon as Winston was walking towards us. If he wants me to acknowledge him then he's going to have to apologise to me.

"Did you see my fucking goal?" Joe asks me excitedly and he puts his hand on my shoulder. He immediately takes it off when I glare at him. He won't stop talking about that goal and it wasn't even that good. Anyone could have scored. Our goalkeeper could have scored that.

We stand around in the corridor, the four of us: Holden, Leo, Joe and me. Holden just came out of the shower and Leo already has a bottle of beer between his lips and we all tease him about it.

"What? Let me celebrate in peace," he says and I laugh at him. I'm not gonna judge Leo, he played a good game and he deserves a little celebration.

"Why don't we all celebrate?" Joe asks. He's been going on about team spirit a lot since he started playing. I raise an eyebrow at him not really convinced. "Come on Monty, let's go out together. The four of us. We've got a lot of things to celebrate."

"Yeah? Like what?" I ask. Like me getting beaten up? Like me getting a five-match ban? Or maybe me cheating on my girlfriend of almost two years and starting to fuck around with a twink photographer?

"Well, you're gonna start playing soon, aren't you?" Holden says and I bite back a grin at Joe's eye roll. "That's something to celebrate, your ban ending."

"How about we just celebrate winning?" Joe suggests and that motherfucker always has to make everything about himself. No doubt he won't shut up about his goal the whole night.

"You should bring your girlfriend," Leo adds and Holden and Joe immediately exchange looks. I don't understand why they're bringing Leeya up until I feel her hand on my shoulder.

"Hey," I say and she kisses me on the cheek. Okay so maybe I do have something to celebrate. 

"I don't know what you're planning," she says and she shoots a glance at Leo. He grins at her. "But unfortunately I can't come."

"What? Why?" I ask her and she rests her chin on my shoulder and keeps her arms tightly wrapped around me.

"I'm sorry," she mumbles. "Something came up with a friend, she really needs me right now." I was kind of hoping to flaunt Leeya in Winston's face for a bit and show him that I'm not missing him but if someone needs Leeya then she'll be there.

"Okay," I say and she kisses me. 

"Don't have too much fun without me," she says and then she leaves while the four of us stare after her. I'm lucky to have her.

Then I notice Winston standing in the door to his office, leaning against the doorway and staring after Leeya. I expect him to maybe look a bit upset but he just raises his eyebrows in an unimpressed manner and goes back into his office.

I see the fag has no taste but I'm not surprised.

***

At this point, I'd rather listen to Leo's drunken ramblings about his brother and his wife fucking him over.

"So I was stood there, right? Like I wasn't even paying attention to the ball," Joe continues and I think I've heard the same sentence about fifty times in the past two hours. 

I play with the drink in my glass and I keep my eyes down so I don't have to watch Joe acting like a dickhead. Even Holden looks around and takes a sip from his glass. I think all of us have had enough of Joe at this point.

He continues telling us the story of how he scored that dumb fucking goal and I give him a slow clap when he's finished. "Well done Joey," I say and he grins, too drunk to even acknowledge the sarcasm in my voice.

Leo comes back before I can say anything else and when I see Leo... I know he fucking took something in that bathroom. His pupils are blown, his cheeks flushed and he starts laughing when he joins us again. No one seems to notice except for me.

"So what did I miss?" Leo asks and he downs an entire glass of whiskey in one gulp.

"Hey, buddy," Holden says quickly and he slides the whiskey bottle away from Leo's reach. "Why don't we slow down for a moment, yeah?" So maybe I'm not the only one who noticed.

Leo rolls his eyes and Joe just laughs at him. "Come on, we're jut celebrating, let him have some fun," Joe says and he takes a sip of his own drink. I glare at him but he doesn't notice.

I can't stand being around these idiots any longer. Leo clearly doesn't have a limit to how much he can drink and Joe doesn't understand how dangerous that could be.

I stand up and stretch. They all stare at me. "I think I'm gonna head home now," I say. "You know, gotta rest before tomorrow's training."

Joe gives me a nod and Leo pats me on the arm. "Feel you," Leo tells me and then he reaches for the bottle again. Yeah, I should really leave. I don't have the energy to babysit him again. Holden is here, he'll do an okay job at looking after them.

"Do you need anyone to go with you? Or are you alright going home by yourself?" Holden asks and I glare at him. I know he means well, he doesn't want me to get jumped again but him reminding me of it every chance he gets isn't exactly helping.

"Nah, I'll be fine," I tell him. I take my jacket from the chair and I put it on as the guys watch me. Leo manages to down another drink while I get dressed and Holden is frowning at him. I pat Holden on the shoulder as I walk past and I give them a small wave.

"See you tomorrow!" Leo shouts and I give him another wave which seems to make him laugh. Honestly, he's like a child.

I'd like to say that I walk out of the bar and I head straight home without any fear that someone will push me into a dark alley and beat the shit out of me, but with every step I take, I look around to see if I can see anyone following me.

I walk on and I keep my head down until I reach the main road and I get into a taxi. I may be an idiot but I know when I've had too much to drink to be able to drive. Also, I down wanna bother Anders with another DUI, he needs to stay focused on getting rid of Pete and Derek. I need them gone before they go to the press and tell them a lovely little story about Montgomery de la Cruz and a jail sentence.

I sit back in the cab and then I realise that I haven't given the driver an address. Or maybe I have because he keeps on driving. Sometimes I'm drunker than I think I am.

After about twenty minutes, the car stops and the guy tells me that we're here. "It looks like you're a bit late if you were hoping to watch the game though," he tells me and chuckles. 

I don't understand what he means by that until I look out of the window and I realise that we're outside the stadium. The stadium? What the fuck am I doing here? Don't tell me I forgot my address again.

But I pay the driver and I get out of the car. He drives off leaving me standing outside in the cold.

Winston sometimes stays back to sort through interviews, photos and to look through our social media. He told me that it's easier to concentrate in the office and that it's really peaceful at night after a game. He's always got a lot to do after a match.

It's late so I need to flash my card at the guy in the front desk for him to let me through. My face should be enough to let me in but whatever.

Some woman is cleaning the floor and she's got her earphones in. She jumps when she sees me and I try to smile at her but I end up looking like I'm scowling at her so she takes her earphones out and picks up the pace.

It's dark almost everywhere but the lights turn on in front of me as I walk. I hear voices in the locker rooms and it's probably some more cleaners cleaning up after us and our celebrations.

Winston's office isn't that far away now and I hope that he's in there. I don't bother knocking so I just pull on the door handle and there he is. He's rubbing the back of his neck, staring down at his desk and loads of photos that the crew took. He's got his lamp on and he looks like he's seconds away from falling asleep. 

"Hey," I say and he jumps. He rests his hand on his forehead.

"Jesus fucking Christ," he says and he sighs. Then he takes his hand away from his face and looks at me standing in the doorway staring at him like a lost puppy. If I was him I'd tell myself to fuck off but Winston is too soft for that. 

"What are you doing here?" he asks and I take that as an invitation to close the door and sit in the chair opposite him. He slowly spins from side to side in his chair and he keeps his eyes on me.

"I don't know," I tell him honestly. "I got into a taxi and..."

"And what?" Winston asks and he raises an eyebrow. "The taxi driver said 'lemme drive you to Winston real quick, I think you guys need to talk'?"

I know he's mad at me but I'm drunk and I end up laughing at him. He stays glaring at me as I bring my shirt up and cover my face with it so he can't see me laugh at him. I laugh until my eyes start to water and I can't take it anymore. When I take the shirt away from my face, Winston is trying his best to keep a straight face but I see that smile slowly forming on his face.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You just..." I say and then I start laughing again. Winston bites his bottom lip and looks away so I can't see that he's laughing too now.

"Okay, okay. Enough," he says and I sit in the chair and take a moment to contain myself. "What are you doing here?"

"I don't know man," I say and I lean back in the chair. The awkwardness from a minute ago is gone and suddenly I feel confident around him again.

"Did you come here for a blow job?" he asks me and I frown and then raise my eyebrows suggestively.

"Why? Are you offering?" I tease him but he just rolls his eyes. I can't remember the last time we even did anything remotely sexual. Kinda miss it.

"Is your girlfriend busy?" Winston then asks and he keeps his eyes on the photographs on the desk. I understand, he's jealous. 

"Is that why you're ignoring me? Because I took Leeya to the game?" I ask him and he glares at me. If so, then he's more childish than I though.

" _I'm_ ignoring _you_?" he asks and he scoffs. "You're the one who fucking started it." No, I can clearly remember me texting him and then him ignoring my messages. He's ignoring me.

"I didn't do anything." I protest and Winston leans forward to rest his elbows on the desk.

"I texted you to meet me here before the match, remember?" he says and I roll my eyes. Oh, that. Yeah, whatever. He can't expect me to abandon my girlfriend just because he needed to talk to me.

"What did you want?"

"I wanted to ask you if you were okay after... Everything," he says and he suddenly sounds concerned. Not this bullshit again. "We haven't talked in a while."

"How many times do I have to say that I'm fine for you to finally get it?" I ask and Winston sighs. "I am _completely_ fine, okay? Don't need everyone to worry about me." First Anders then Leeya, Holden and now Winston. They need to stop making such a big deal out of this bullshit.

"Okay," Winston says quietly. Then we just sit in silence staring at each other until one of the photographs on the table catches my eye. It's not a photograph from the game though I can tell you that.

Winston notices as soon as I reach for the photo. "Monty, don't- Monty, it's not-" but then he stops and shakes his head because the photograph is in my hand and I'm staring at it. 

He stays quiet as I study the photo and I may be drunk and I'm not an expert but- "Wow," I say. It looks like it was taken at the zoo but instead of focusing on the animals, it's a photo of the people watching a tiger getting fed and laughing at it. There are a few ways he could go with just this one picture.

"I went back and I... I focused on people like you told me to," he says and I nod slowly. I try not to show him how pleased I am that he took my advice, I just put the photograph down on the table.

"So you like it?" he asks and I nod. He sighs in relief and then he takes the photograph and shuts it in the drawer leaving only the match photos on the table.

I stay in my chair even though I have nothing else to say. Fortunately, Winston seems to have a lot to talk about.

"Did Anders tell you-"

"No," I say quickly. "I'm just letting him... Get on with it. He'll tell me if he finds something out." The waiting is exhausting but I know that Anders won't keep anything from me. He's learned his lesson now.

We talk for hours about literally nothing. We just talk and when we run out of things to say, Winston brings up his beloved Greek gods again. And then we've got a new topic to talk about.

"Fuck, it's almost one in the morning," I say when I glance at the clock. Winston thinks I'm kidding until he looks at the time and sees that I'm right, We've been talking for almost three hours and it feels like only minutes have passed.

"We should probably go home, right?" he says and he rubs his hands up and down his face. He looks at his desk that's a mess of papers and photos. "Fuck, I've still got so much to do."

I stand up from my chair and crack my neck. "Have fun filling your forms in," I tell him and he grins. 

"Asshole," he says and he gathers the papers in his hands before standing up. "I'll just do it at home."

He takes his jacket from the coat hanger in the corner of the room and I wait for him to get dressed. 

"Need a ride home?" he asks and I realise that his car is still in the parking lot and he drove here. I don't know where my car is, probably outside that bar somewhere. I'll get Anders to take it back to my house or something. I don't know.

"Sure," I say. Winston walks me out of his office, turns off the lights and then he locks the door behind him. I'm already half asleep so I don't take anything in as we walk to his car.

Next thing I know, Winston's walking me to my apartment and throwing me onto my bed.

"Fuck, you're heavy," he says when I land on my bed. I laugh at him and I run my fingers through my hair. He stands over me unsure of what to do and then he sighs. "Will you be okay to stay by yourself?"

I nod. "Yeah... Leeya should be back in the morning." He raises his eyebrows and I laugh at his reaction. "Why do you... Why do you hate her so much?"

He frowns at me. "I don't... _hate_ her. I just... I don't know." He sits down on my bed and his back is facing me. I slowly run my finger down his spine and he shivers. I don't know what comes over me but touching him is kind of mesmerising and I keep my hand running up and down his back. 

"You know I thought about fucking you," I tell him and he laughs to himself. "Months ago. Back when you first told me that you were gay." Then he stops laughing and he turns his head to look at me. But I don't meet his eyes. Just focus on his back.

"Seriously?" he asks and I shrug.

"Yeah... You fucking messed with my head man," I tell him and I rub my hands up and down my face. Winston is watching me but I don't wanna know what he's thinking right now. "I'm so fucking drunk." I laugh and Winston laughs too turning my confession into a joke. 

He then stands up from my bed and looks around my room awkwardly. "Okay, I should be getting home too," he says and I nod. "I'll... see you tomorrow?"

"Mhm," I say and he slowly walks out of my room. "Hey, Winston?" He immediately stops in the doorway and turns around.

"Yeah?"

I pause and lick my lips. "Close the door please," I say and Winston smiles at me.

"Okay," he says and then the door closes behind him and I'm left in complete darkness.

***

I got a call at about four in the morning. It was Joe.

I only remember fragments from that call. I remember Joe crying, Joe screaming and Joe telling me that Leo is dead.

I laughed. I knew how dramatic Joe could be. I told him to stop fucking around and let me sleep.

I hung up on him.

And then I got a call from Holden.

Leo is dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment if you liked it :)  
> as you can tell, things are about to escalate quickly from here


	11. The Funeral

**Chapter Eleven**

Leo's been dead for three days now. I haven't left my bed since it happened.

"He needs to get out of bed," Anders says and he shakes his head at me. I don't know how or when those fuckers got here but I'm blaming Leeya for everything. 

"He doesn't need to do anything," Winston argues with him. What, now they're bringing the whole crew here? Great, might as well film me sitting in my bed in a pile of tissues and alcohol. Because what else would Winston be doing here?

"No, he needs to go to the funeral. He needs to be there and show his support. It's what Leo would have wanted," Joe argues and Winston tries to argue with him but no one is listening to him. 

I don't understand how Joe is acting so calm. How is he even able to stand on his own two feet? Isn't he the one that found Leo dead in the bathroom? A drug overdose. Fuck.

Leo died alone and now all those fuckers are worrying about his goddamn funeral.

I pull the covers over my head and I just listen to their voices. Leeya comes back into the room, I know because I hear the soft sound of her footsteps and then a second later she sits down on my bed.

"Can't you see that he doesn't feel okay? Going to the funeral will only fuck him up more," Leeya says and I feel her hand rest on my leg over the covers. No one listens to her either. Anders and Joe are hell-bent on getting me out of here.

"Just get him dressed and I'll have someone pick him up," Anders groans in frustration and then I hear Winston scoff.

"Are you for real? He just lost his fucking best friend and you're here getting annoyed at him for not wanting to get out of bed?" The rest of them go silent. "Get the fuck out of here and leave hi-"

"Who the fuck are you kid? I'm his fucking manager," Anders silences Winston and in a way I understand. Anders has been here through all my fuck ups, all my messes and now some kid is telling him what's good for me. "I know what he needs, he's gonna regret it if he doesn't go."

"Why don't _all_ of you leave?" Leeya raises her voice. She's followed by an uncomfortable silence.

"He's gonna hate you if you make him go," Winston argues. I'm not surprised he's the one to argue with her, he always spoke up when no one else would.

"He _loves_ me," Leeya tells Winston like he's stupid. I can sense another argument coming so I decide to speak up.

I pull the sheet away from my head and I sit up slowly. They stare at me but I can't see much with the hair covering my eyes.

"I'll go to the fucking funeral," I say quietly. Anders sighs with relief, Leeya gives me a sympathetic pat and Joe continues to tap his foot impatiently. I don't dare look at Winston.

But one of them is missing. Holden. Where is he? He didn't know Leo as well as me or Joe but they were still friends, so why isn't he here like everyone else?

"I'll help Leeya get him ready," Joe tells the other two and then he motions towards the door to get them to leave. I scoff, I don't need help getting dressed. I'm grieving not disabled. 

Winston doesn't take his eyes off of me as he walks out but I don't even glance at him. I'm terrified to.

Joe shuts the door behind them and then he rolls up the sleeves of his blazer. "You doing okay?" he asks and I don't even register that he's speaking to me. Joe actually caring about me? That's new.

I give him a small nod and then I get out of bed. They're both staring at me unsure of what to do as I pick up the tux that I think Anders brought me this morning. I unzip the garment bag and I stare at it. Neither of them moves.

"I could do with some fucking pain killers," I tell them so Leeya slides off my bed, walks past Joe and leaves the room. I don't really need them now but I will soon. I've only got a small headache from crying for the past three days. I won't tell anyone that though.

I take the tux out of the bag and then I take off the shirt that I slept in.

"Maybe you could... Erm, maybe you should shower first?" Joe suggests and he swallows when I turn and glare at him. "You just-"

"What? I _what?_ " I take a few steps towards him and I push him back. Who the fuck is he to start telling me what to do? I hate this motherfucker so what is he even doing here?

I could do with a fight, let some of my anger out and beat the fuck out of Joe at the same time. Wasn't he the one that wanted to go out in the first place? Why did he not keep an eye on Leo?

No. Looking after Leo was always my job. I should have looked after him. But instead, I went to talk to Winston. I can't even remember the last thing I said to Leo.

"And where the fuck is Holden?" I snap at him and I sit down on the edge of my bed. Instead of answering, Joe sits down next to me. "Fuck off, don't touch me," I say and he immediately moves away from me. "And don't even think about trying to comfort me."

"Got it," he says and we're back to sitting in awkward silence. 

Leo is gone. Gone. Dead. Overdosed on God knows what in a bar toilet. Alone. It's a shitty way to go. Maybe I could get Anders to change a few things and make it seem like Leo died in a different way?

Fuck. What am I even going on about? I think I'm starting to lose it.

"Do you want me to turn on the shower?" Joe asks after a minute of silence and I give him a stiff nod. I regret not asking Winston to stay. For some reason, I feel like he'd know what to do now. He'd look after me.

Then Leeya comes back into the room and Joe goes to turn on the water. 

"You don't have to go if you don't want to," Leeya says and she rubs my knee as she watches me take two painkillers without hesitation. This is bringing back memories I'd rather forget. Memories of... the car accident. 

"Yeah? Don't really feel like I have a choice," I snap at her and then I reach for the flask on my nightstand. Fucking empty. Everything is a fucking disappointment today.

"Monty, don't," she says as I tilt my head back and try to suck out any remains of alcohol that are in the flask. They're all behaving like I'm some fucking child. 

"Leave me the fuck alone," I mumble and I look under my bed and through my drawers for any bottle of alcohol that Leeya hasn't gotten the chance to throw away yet.

"You can't go to the funeral drunk!" Leeya protests when I find half a bottle of whiskey in the bottom drawer and I smile at it like it's my best friend. My _new_ best friend.

"Why the fuck not?" I ask and I slam the bottle onto the nightstand so hard that it shatters and I'm left with the broken neck of the bottle in my hand. The alcohol pours down the nightstand and drips onto the floorboards. I stare at it and I tighten my grip around the broken glass.

It's deadly silent and I can only hear my breathing and the sound of the liquid hitting the floor.

"Monty..." Joe's hand is on my shoulder and he gently reaches up with his other one and takes the broken bottle out of my hand. I loosen my grip around it and then Joe holds the broken glass out of my reach. I stare down at my hands and even though they feel like they hurt, they're not bleeding.

"Why don't you go get that shower?" Joe suggests softly and he tries to smile at me. When I turn around, my legs and hands are still shaking and Leeya is stood by my bed. She's got a hand over her mouth and she won't even look at me. 

The only person who wouldn't be afraid to look at me right now left. And for what?

***

"Okay, okay. Up. You grab his other hand and I'll- _There_ we go." Anders is talking to me like I'm a child who just found out that his parents are getting divorced. I'm just drunk, that's all.

Joe left me unsupervised for about five minutes to go to the bathroom so I went to the kitchen and I managed to drink at least a quarter of a bottle of whatever that was. I'm still holding onto that bottle as Anders and Joe try to drag me out of the car and towards the church. Fuck, Leo wasn't even a Christian. They're getting everything wrong, his fucking family.

Joe and Anders try their best to get me to walk on my own but I drag my feet along and let them carry me. I move my arm to take a swing from the bottle of whiskey and then I hold it up in the air.

"This is for Leo... Fucking Powell," I slur and Joe shakes his head at me. He must be fucking taking something if he's able to stay this cool.

"Monty you're embarrassing yourself," Anders tells me quietly as the grieving guests outside glare at me. 

"Suck my cock," I tell him and Joe blushes and turns away from me. Embarrassing myself? Yeah because that's my biggest concern right now.

I notice that there are no photographers, no cameras. No crew. I look around frantically for a mop of dark curly hair. "Hey," I say and I tug at Joe's shirt to get his attention. "Joey, where's Winston?"

I've been asking around for a lot of people today. And Holden... Okay, he can go fuck himself and stay crying in his fucking house I couldn't care less. But Winston should be here. He _needs_ to be here.

Joe frowns at first like he's trying to remember who Winston is and then he nods. "Oh, Winston. Right," he says and then he struggles to help Anders drag me up the stone steps. We're getting closer and closer to the church. Almost by the doors. "Bradley said he didn't want to crew around. Didn't want them to piss anyone off."

Out of all the things Bradley has done, this has got to be the worst one yet. We may not need the cameras here but-

My thoughts are cut short when the heavy doors of the church swing open and out comes a motherfucker I haven't even thought about seeing today.

I may have been unable to stand on my own two feet before but now I'm fully alert, shrugging Joe off and ripping out of Anders' grasp.

"You fucker!" I shout and I launch at the younger man. Is he fucking _crying?_ Top-notch acting.

Leo's fucking brother. The one that fucked him over and then stole his wife. I trip over my feet and I fall into him throwing both of us to the ground. I land on top of him and I grab a fistful of his neatly ironed white shirt.

"How fucking dare you?" I scream in his face. The man who walked out with him, Leo's father, stands frozen in place but luckily Anders is there trying to pick me up and drag me away from Leo's bastard brother.

He's too shocked to even speaking. And so are the rest of the guests.

"He fucking hated you!" I swing my fist just as Anders pulls me away. It's not a good punch, but I'm angry and I manage to just grace my knuckles past his cheekbone.

Hope that hurt.

***

"You're being stupid," Leeya tells me softly. Anders has locked me back in the car. He dragged me away, screaming, scratching and shouting. 

Anders tried to calm me down but even he gave up. Joe left my side after I threw myself at Leo's brother. He went down the steps, vomiting out his breakfast and hen he fell to his knees and started bawling his eyes out. So maybe he's not keeping it together after all. None of us are.

But the ceremony started a while ago and Anders and Joe are inside while I'm locked in a car with my girlfriend.

"I'm not being stupid," I say sternly and I look straight ahead. "As long as that fucking cunt is inside, I'm not going anywhere near the building."

Leo hated that motherfucker so I don't understand what he's doing here. Maybe he's hoping he'll get some inheritance from him. At least he had the decency not to bring his wife (or should I say Leo's ex-wife) along.

"You're _missing_ your best friends funeral," Leeya tells me and she leans over me trying to get in my face and shit. I still don't look at her. "Monty! _Listen_ to me. _Look_ at me!" She puts her hand on the side of my face and she turns my head towards her. But my eyes stay where they are.

Leo wouldn't have wanted this. I can't pay my respects when all of them are fucking shitting on his non-exitsent grave.

Leeya sighs and lets her hand drop away from my face. "I'm gonna give you a minute alone," she says and she takes one last glance at me before leaving the car and closing the door behind her.

Unfortunately, Anders took the car keys and I can't start the car and drive into the motherfucking church. _That's_ what Leo would have wanted.

I wait until Leeya goes inside the church and then I open the door and I get out too. The late fall cold air hits me in the face like a slap and my eyes start to sting.

I wobble on my feet and I have to lean against the car for support. One breath then another and another and... I press the palms of my hands onto the car window and I rest my forehead against the cold glass.

Why did he have to leave me here? What am I meant to do without him?

I was prepared for Leo to retire. Later. And then I still would have been able to knock on his door at three in the morning and tell him about the nightmare I had. 

"You're stressing yourself out Remy," he'd say and he'd pour me another glass hoping that the alcohol would be enough to make me fall asleep. "What's done is done and you can't change the past."

Leo was the only one who never tried to convince me that the accident wasn't my fault. He understood me. He always understood me.

I imagine him on the filthy floor of that bar bathroom, twitching helplessly and crying out for me. But I fucking left because I didn't want to deal with his drunken ramblings again.

I would do anything to bring him back. I'd listen to those drunken fucking ramblings. I loved his ramblings. I loved _him._

And then I lose it. 

I've been crying for a while now without even realising. The tears just run down my cheeks and my nose starts to run. I wipe it with my blazer sleeve and then I start hitting my fist against the car window. They're weak punches that hurt my hand more than anything else and I get frustrated with it all.

I rip my tie from around my neck and I throw it on the floor before stomping on it several times like a fucking five-year-old.

I accidentally kick the car and then I start walking away from the car, the church and the people that are trying to keep me in check. They're not the people I want to see.

***

Walked around town for a few hours, sobered myself up, fell asleep on a park bench until some cop woke me up and told me to move it. 

I look like a mess now. My hair is all over the place, my shirt is crumbled, I'm cold and I'm hungry and my feet hurt after walking for God knows how long. 

I lost my phone somewhere but it's not like it matters, I wouldn't have answered any calls anyway.

I'm making a shit show out of myself but I don't care. They all thought they've seen me at my worst but that was all nothing compared to what I'm like now. I know they're not able to handle me right now.

Only one person was always able to deal with me.

"Why didn't you go to the funeral?"

Winston freezes when he opens the door and he sees me leaning on his door, looking like I escaped from the homeless shelter.

"What?" he asks and he holds onto the door. His eyes slide up and down my body and the mess that I made of myself. He's not inviting me in so I just do it myself. I walk in on trembling legs and Winston stares after me as I walk deeper into his apartment.

"Why. Didn't _you_. Go. To. The. Funeral?" I ask quietly but the anger in my voice is evident. Joe told me why but I don't believe that Winston couldn't have broken the rules if he wanted to. He doesn't reply. He shuts the door, and stares at me and for once in his life, he looks like he's completely lost faith in me.

"I needed you there, okay?" I tell him and I feel my eyes filling up with tears again. I'm so fucked up that it's embarrassing. I feel seventeen again. Winston takes a step towards me but I shake my head at him. "Fuck I _really_ fucking needed you and you weren't even there!"

He repeats my name over and over again as I bite into my fist to stop myself from making a noise. I try to keep it in, I swear I do but then a tear spills down my cheek and Winston steps into my personal space.

I try to tell him to fuck off, I try to push him away but he keeps on repeating my name, his voice getting softer and softer until I don't have the energy anymore and I just rest my forehead on his shoulder.

"I fucking needed you," I mumble into his shoulder and I try my best to hold back a sob. Winston immediately wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a tight hug.

"It's okay. You're okay," he keeps whispering into my hair while slowly rubbing my back. I don't even know how to react. If this was Leeya, I'd let myself cry into her shoulder because I know she wouldn't judge me. 

I try to think about how I should act around Winston. But he's here, stroking my back, whispering into my hair and holding me close. And nothing else seems to matter anymore.

"Why did he have to go?" I ask Winston and my voice breaks. "Why did he have to _go?"_ Everyone around me fucking dies. I try to look at his face but the tears blur my vision and I give up and press my eyes into his shoulder again.

"I don't know," Winston answers quietly and he lets me continue sobbing into his shoulder until I lose track of time. My face is wet and numb from being pressed into his shoulder for so long but I don't pull away.

As soon as I calm down, I wipe my eyes with my sleeve but Winston doesn't let go of me. If anything, he only holds on tighter.

"What happened?" he finally asks. He's been dying to know since I walked in through that door.

"Leo's fucking brother showed up," I mutter and I clench my fists again just thinking about it. "The bastard stole Leo's wife from him a while ago and he had the audacity to show up at his funeral."

I look up, see Winston's face and I can already tell what he's thinking.

"Oh, fuck off. Yes, I punched him and so what?" I scoff and I pull away from him. He doesn't struggle with me and lets me go.

I slump down on the couch and he sits next to me. "During the funeral?" he asks and I shake my head.

"Before. Outside the church." I tell him and then I lean back. "I didn't even go inside the church. I left right after the ceremony started."

Winston bites his lip but he doesn't comment on the fact that I couldn't even attend my best friend's funeral. He just nods and I stare at him.

"Why aren't you fucking saying anything?" I snap at him and he shrugs.

"What would you like me to say?" he asks calmly and the tone of his voice has a soothing effect on me even though I try to stay as angry as possible.

"Just... Fucking say anything. Alright?" I say and I put my head in my hands. I just breathe in deeply and I exhale trying to calm myself down. I'm not mad anymore. But I don't want to cry either.

"I'm a mess," I mumble into my hands and I snort. "If Leo could see me right now..." I don't know what Leo would do but he'd do the right thing. He'd know how to sort me out.

"Are you hungry? Or tired?" Winston asks me and I almost laugh. The only thing that I've been functioning on for the past few days is whiskey, pain killers and whatever food Leeya managed to stuff into my mouth.

Winston doesn't wait for an answer, he puts his hand on my shoulder as he stands up and he sighs. "I'll get you something to eat. Order something. Any requests?"

I shake my head. I won't be able to keep it down anyway so what's the point. Not bothered about how it tastes.

But Winston doesn't take his hand off my shoulder. Instead, he crouches down in front of me and gently takes my hands away from my face. "Monty... Would you like to... sleep?".

He examines my face and then I smile at him. "I look like a mess, don't I?" Me, smiling at him with faded bruises on my face and tear-stained cheeks.

He shakes his head. "No. You just look tired," he says softly and then his lip trembles like _he's_ gonna start crying now. "I just worry about you, that's all."

Worrying about me never turns out well. I pretend that he didn't just say that. "Yeah I guess I could use some sleep," I say and I clear my throat.

Winston doesn't need to tell me where his bedroom is but he does anyway. It looks even neater than I remember and he changed his bedsheets. Can't remember the last time I changed mine, I just let Leeya deal with that bullshit.

Winston leaves me to it not wanting to make things awkward and I collapse on the bed.

I just wanted to try it out, see what it feels like but the second my body touches the mattress, I fall asleep.

***

I dreamt about Leo.

When I wake up, I look around the room almost expecting him to be stood there with a glass of whiskey and a grin on his face. But instead, I wake up to an empty bed.

Someone has put a blanket over me and I snuggle into it before closing my eyes.

"There's food if you're hungry," I hear Winston's voice and I turn my head to the other side. He's sat in the armchair, leaning forward and watching me nervously.

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Were you watching me sleep?" I ask and he doesn't respond. "Creep," I say and Winston smiles then.

He reaches to the table on his right and he picks up a bag off the table. "It's nothing... Special. Just some plain waffles. Nothing strong, I'm sure you'll be able to keep it down."

I nod but I don't move a muscle when Winston puts the bag next to me on the bed.

"Please eat something," he says quietly so I reach for the bag but not before groaning to show him how annoyed I am with him.

Winston also watches me eat in silence and I can only manage small bites and it takes me hours and hours to chew and swallow.

"You kick a lot in your sleep," Winston tells me and I raise my eyebrows. "Can't even get a rest from soccer in your sleep, huh?"

I stop chewing and Winston's face falls like he realises he might have said something wrong.

"I dreamt about him," I say quietly. "We won the league and he was there and we were just celebrating together. It was... Perfect."

Winston doesn't comment and I take another bite from the plain waffle. My stomach rumbles.

"Can I tell you something?" I ask him and he nods without hesitation. "After the car accident... I had nightmares about it. Still do. Do you think I'll have nightmares about Leo?"

That's what scares me. So far I've only had nice dreams about him or no dreams at all. I don't want to go to sleep one night just to be faced with the image of Leo's body on the bathroom floor playing in my head.

Winston sits down on the bed and he brings a pillow to his chest. I realise that I've mentioned the car accident and suddenly I feel the need to tell him.

I look down at the bag completely avoiding eye contact with him. Where were we last time? "When Estela, my sister, noticed that I was a little drunk. Actually, that I was _very_ drunk, she called her boyfriend. And my best friend. Scott." I say but my voice is a whisper when I say his name.

"We stood at the side of the road, Estela didn't want to risk anything and we waited for my friend to show up," I continue. "He was-I was a mess back in high school. Like one of those jocks that acted like an asshole to everyone around them? Yeah, I guess the only thing that's changed is that I play a different sport now." I try to laugh but my throat is dry and u can just about manage to swallow the waffle.

I put it on top of the bag because I lost my appetite. "So Scotty worried about me all the damn time. And he was speeding so fast to get to us to make sure we were okay... He, erm." I stop and I lick my dry lips. "He, erm." I try to say it but the words won't come out of my mouth as much as I try to force them out.

Then Winston places his hand on mine and I break from the endless loop of repeating the same sentence over and over again.

"I think Estela hated me for it after. I always knew she blamed me for it," I say. "But she still tried her best to stay by my side. I couldn't take it though. I was soft and... Weak. I took a lot of shit, alcohol, drugs, got beaten up by my dad... Anything to get me to hurt or forget. But I couldn't forgive myself."

"Monty-"

"I had this friend, Bryce." I interrupt Winston because I already know what he's going to say. "It was at his party that I got so fucked up. I guess he felt guilty or something because he kept on feeding me drugs like it was nothing."

Bryce was a rich asshole who got anything he wanted. Being friends with him had its perks. At the time.

"Until one day he stopped," I continue. "Estela told him to and so I went to look for a dealer like any addict would- yeah, I was an addict, so what. Fucking cops found me with like a shit ton of drugs on me. Bryce wouldn't help, Estela gave up on me and my family was too ashamed and poor to do anything about it."

They're all bastard the lot of them. I'm glad I cut them off long ago.

"So you went to prison?" Winston asks me and I nod.

"For four fucking months. Until Anders... He got me out," I say and u pick the waffle up again just to have something in my hand. Just so I have an excuse to move my hand away from Winston's.

Anders sorted everything out. He used to be a football scout and he had his eye on me ever since the start of senior year. He's been following me and my life so much that the second I got into trouble, he jumped at the occasion to help me out. He didn't even mind switching to soccer as long as he could help. 

He got me a fake high school diploma, paid people off so my past would be kept secret and when u started getting a little bit of fame, he even bribed newspapers and whatever else to not post any stories about me unless they were authorized by him.

I don't even know how he managed to keep my prison records a secret and I don't want to find out. I know he has shady contact all around.

You have no idea how much I pay him. I'll always be indebted to him. I wouldn't be able to fire him even if I wanted to.

I look up and Winston just has this blank expression on his face like this doesn't surprise him at all.

"So?" I ask him and he runs his fingers through his hair. I usually don't care what people have to say about that. I just tell them the story and then I change the topic as quickly as I can. But I want to know what Winston thinks of it.

He's not looking at me differently. "Would you like another waffle?" he asks and I frown. I haven't even realised that I ate the other one.

"I just told you that-"

"I know what you told me," he says casually. He passes me another waffle and I take it from him uncertainly. "And that doesn't change anything. It's the past, right?"

It's not the kind of response I expected from him. I expected shock and a long-ass explanation as to why the accident wasn't my fault. But he's just... Not like that. I don't mind.

I put the waffle to the side and I sigh. "Can you, erm, can you call Anders and tell him where I am? Kinda bailed on him..."

Winston nods. "Of course."

"And do you... Do you mind if I sleep some more?" Winston's bed is much easier to fall asleep in. I don't know if it's the bedding, the mattress or maybe his smell on the pillows but it's relaxing and I can easily fall asleep. Not like in my own bed.

Winston smiles and he gets up from the armchair. "Go ahead. And don't worry, I'll make myself busy so I won't be staring at you."

I press my face back down into the mattress and I groan softly. The door closes with a soft click and I drift away again.

***

"I've been worried sick about him! Do you even k- No, _you_ listen to _me_. I'm his girlfriend, alright? I don't know what you want with my boyfriend but you can't lock him in here, away from me. Let me speak to him!"

The shouting and the clicking of heels wake me up from my sleep. It's morning. Very early morning.

Winston hasn't slept in his bed which means that I took his bed again and made him sleep on the couch. Hope he doesn't mind.

"You don't know what he's _going_ through! He needs me right now, okay?"

More clicking of heels. I don't pick my head up and I continue breathing in Winston's cologne or perfume or whatever it is on this pillow.

"Can you keep your fucking voice down?" I hear Winston hiss. "He could use some sleep and you're-"

"And I'm taking him home. To sleep in his own bed where someone who cares about him will take care of him."

I listen to the shuffle of feet and shoes and then I realise what's going on. They're standing right outside the door and every time Leeya tries to go in, Winston blocks her path.

"What do you not understand? He's-" And then the door opens and Leeya bursts inside like a hurricane.

I close my eyes and pretend to when asleep but she doesn't even care. She sits down next to me and puts her hand on my back.

"Oh baby, how are you feeling?" she asks me and Winston scoffs. He's stood by the door watching us with a frown.

"Tired," I groan and Leeya gives me a sympathetic nod.

"Okay, we'll get you home and then you'll get able to sleep in your own bed. God, I was so worried about you! Everyone was freaking out and-"

"I want to stay here," I interrupt her. I won't be able to sleep in my own bed and if I wanted to know how the funeral went that I wouldn't have left it. I don't need her to tell me a play by play account of the ceremony.

She stares at me and no words come out of her mouth. Then she glares at Winston like this is all his fault.

"Would you like me to escort you to the door or...?" he asks her and she stares at him and then at me.

"Monty..."

"I'm just tired babe," I try to explain but all I wanna do is just tell her to leave me alone and let me sleep. "We'll talk later, okay?"

She slowly stands up from the bed looking like I've betrayed her. "Okay," she says quietly but I can tell that she's pissed at me. "Erm... Sleep then I guess."

Winston tries to offer to show her to the door again but he whisks past him without looking back and seconds later the front door slams.

"Lovely girlfriend," Winston comments and I chuckle lightly. I'd defend her if I wasn't so tired right now.

Winston looks like he has just woken up, wearing his shorts and a T-shirt and his hair sticks up in all directions.

"So I'm gonna..." He slowly starts to close the door.

"Hey, Winston?" I ask and he stops.

"Yeah?"

"What time do I need to be at training?" The world doesn't stop after one person's death. Bradley may have been giving us a pass these last few days but it's time to get my life in order. They already postponed our match ones and they won't do it again. We only have one shot at this.

Winston rolls his eyes. "Just sleep, okay?" he says and I nod even though I'd like to be doing something productive today.

"Night," I say just before he closes the door.

"Night," he responds and the door closes. " _Babe_ ," he adds using a slightly whiny voice possibly to imitate me from before.

I smile to myself as I listen to the sound of his footsteps walking away. 


	12. Sweet Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// suicidal thoughts

**Twelve**

"Nice! Ooh! Another good one! Amazing!"

I'm gonna punch this kid.

I'm taking penalties in practice and Nick is only here because Joe now 'needs him around'. He's basically Joe's pet now. Joey's not doing so well. None of us are. He lost a lot of weight this past two weeks and he's walking around looking boney and pale.

I take my last kick, put the ball in the back of the net and then I walk over to the bench where Joe is sitting. "Your turn," I say and I pat him on the shoulder. As weird as it sounds, Leo’s death actually brought us closer. We were both his friends and we're trying to help each other out. He looks up looking slightly dazed. Then he nods and drags his feet across the pitch to the ball.

The thing is, I need to be close to Joe. I don't have anyone else right now. Leo is gone, the rest of the team is useless and Holden is acting... Weird.

I think he's blaming himself for what happened. If he had told Leo to cut it out or if he had just put him in a cab home... Maybe we wouldn't be here right now.

Holden is standing on the other side of the pitch and talking to Bradley. He's been doing a lot of talking to Bradley whereas he's barely exchanged two sentences with me. Our current conversations consist of 'hey, how are you' and 'good'. Neither of us is good.

Holden is avoiding everyone. So no, I don't have Holden right now. I have Joe.

I also have Leeya. Kind of. 

I sit on the bench and I lift my leg so I can tie my shoelaces tighter. I got new shoes from my sponsor and they may be slightly too big. Anders hasn't said a word about Leo since the funeral, he just focuses on work and asks me if I need anything. Yeah, I need someone to get my shoe size right for once.

"Water?" I stop frowning at my shoe and I turn around to see Winston holding a bottle of water towards me. I pause when I see his face, he smiles and I take the bottle from him. I'm not thirsty so I just put it to the side and Winston sits down next to me on the bench. This wasn’t an invitation for him to sit down but whatever.

Winston is helping too. I don't want to admit it but he is. I haven't really been seeing him outside of work but he texts and calls a lot, anything to check up on me.

One night, I woke up from a nightmare and I was halfway to Leo's house when I realised that... Anyway. I drove to Winston's house instead and he stayed up with me all night even though I insisted that he should sleep.

I told him about my nightmare and then I kind of fell asleep in his bed. Again. I left his apartment before he woke up and he didn't mention it after. At this point I should just move in with him, it would save us both a lot of trouble.

I watch as Joe completely fucks up all his shots and I frown. I turn to my right to make a joke about it to Leo but no one's there. Nick tries to encourage Joe but one glare from me quickly shuts him up, Joe doesn’t need some kid to be screaming at him right now.

How are we going to continue this season? I have no idea. We drew our last game and I didn't even score. The score was 0-0. Everything is going to shit.

“Game tomorrow, huh?” Winston says and I stare at him. Since when does he care about the game? He usually never even mentions it. I guess he’s just struggling to find a topic to talk to me about.

“Yeah,” I reply simply. I don’t want to act distant and push him away but… I can’t help it. He knows me, I hate to say it but he does. He knows me so well that it’s scary and I don’t want him to be analysing me right now. I need distractions not help.

“Hmm,” Winston says shortly and then I check if both my shoes are on properly. I stand up and jump a few times in one place. The shoes seem fine.

Spending time with Winston wasn’t good for me, I tended to overthink every time I was with him. I couldn’t help but think that if I hadn’t left Leo that night, if I didn’t go to meet Winston, I would have told Leo to go home before anything could happen. I could have prevented all of this.

I leave Winston on the bench without a second thought and I walk over to where the guys are warming up. I stand close to Bradley so I can hear what he’s saying but he notices and he and Holden move away from me. Fuck you then. Keep your secrets, see if I care.

Bradley and Holden talk for an embarrassingly long time so that even Joe starts to notice. “That’s weird, right?” he says and he nods in the direction of our coach and our teammate. I shrug because I don’t want him to know that I noticed too, if I find out what it’s about then it’ll be by myself. And Anders can help.

“What? You don’t think it’s weird?” Joe pesters me and I roll my eyes and try to move away from him. The bastard follows me. 

“What’s weird? That Holden is talking to Bradley? Please, get a grip,” I say and Joe glares at me. He decides to give up though and leave me alone. After I finish with the half-assed warm-up, I move onto… I don’t even know, I'm just trying to look like I was doing something. Who cares about fucking practice.

So I kick the ball to myself and I stand close to the group so Bradley doesn’t spot me, no he's too busy fussing over Holden. Then out of the corner of my eye, I see that Joe is talking to Winston and they are both glancing in Bradley’s direction. Wow, Joe just doesn’t know how to let things go, does he?

I wait until practice is over and we’re going back into the locker room. I can’t see Winston anywhere but I have no doubt that he’s in his office. I managed to slip away before anyone could spot me and I went straight into Winston’s office. He isn’t there so I just stand there wondering where else he could be. I thought that maybe he just went to take a piss so I waited and I waited.

I waited until half an hour passed and I had no choice but to leave because Winston obviously wasn’t coming. I thought that maybe I could ask Joe if he knows anything but he wasn’t in the locker room, he must have left already. Like Winston.  _ With  _ Winston.

If he wants to be besties with Joe then who am I to say anything? Doesn’t bother me.

***

But it does fucking bother me. 

Especially when we get on the coach the next day and Joe and Winston get all buddy-buddy and sit together. I walked past them and I rolled my eyes. Winston just raised his eyebrows like he couldn’t believe how childish I was. I don’t know what got into me, I just hated how he jumped from me to Joe. 

It seemed to have worked though because Winston sat nowhere near Joe on the plane. He was actually walking towards me and I contemplated letting him sit with me for a moment but then I put my bag on the seat at the last minute and Winston went to sit at the back with the rest of the crew.

He avoided me once we got on the bus taking us to the hotel. Then it got to the depressing part, Holden sat by himself at the back and I normally would have sat with Leo. But Leo isn’t around anymore so I sit by myself and I try to act like it doesn’t bother me one bit. I close my eyes, put my earphones in and I lean back in my seat. 

It’s not shocking that I fall asleep, I haven’t been able to sleep properly for days unless I was in Winston’s bed. That was the only time I could fall asleep properly but I had to minimise my visits to him because Leeya was starting to get annoyed with me.

“You spend more time with him than me!” she shouted and I mumbled something about work stuff. 

“You think I don’t know you sneak out at one in the morning to meet up with him?” was her next accusation so I told her that I was tired and then I went to bed. She cried after, locked herself in the bathroom and I heard her talking on the phone to someone. Probably complaining about me to her mother again. 

I don’t think she remembers that my best friend died just a few weeks ago, she isn’t exactly my first priority. 

When I wake up, I notice that the bus is empty. Except for me... and Winston. He's sat next to me so take my earphones out and I stare at him.

“Where the hell is everyone?” I ask. How long have I slept for? Did I miss the match? Why is he sitting next to me?

“They went into the hotel like half an hour ago,” Winston tells me and he smiles. So what are we still doing here? I stretch in my seat and I stuff my earphones into my pocket.

“Um…”

“I told them not to wake you up,” Winston explains. 

“Why?”

He shrugs. “Thought you might want to sleep. And the fans outside went a while ago so…” 

Oh thank God, I don’t have to deal with those annoying fuckers. I grab my bag and start to stand up but Winston stays where he is. Okay, maybe there’s something else. So I slowly sit back down and Winston cards his fingers through his hair.

“I’m… I don’t…” he starts and then he stops. I raise one eyebrow, what does he want now? He looks like he doesn’t know what to say, he  _ always _ knows what to say. 

“Is this about Joe?” I ask him and he shakes his head. Okay, so not Joe. What else? Leo? Maybe Holden. “What then?” I ask, getting frustrated with him for being so secretive.

"It's about you," he says quietly and I scoff. "I'm worried about you. You've been… avoiding me. Are you okay? I mean-How are you?"

“Mind your fucking business,” I snap at him. I try to stand up and get out of the bus but Winston stands up too and he blocks my way. He looks furious. How many times do I have to tell him not to worry about me? 

“Mind my business?” he repeats and he scoffs. “Oh, yeah. I should have minded my business but it’s too fucking late now. You didn’t tell me to mind my business when you were sleeping in my bed or when I was blowing you.” 

He hasn’t… We haven’t done anything for weeks. We haven’t even kissed or anything, I don’t know why he’s bringing it up now.

I know that we’re alone and yet I still look around to see if someone heard. “Shut your fucking mouth,” I say and I try to push him away. But he puts his hands on my shoulder and pushes me back down to my seat.

“Sit the  _ fuck _ down,” he orders and I keep my mouth shut. If this was anyone else, he’d already be laying on the floor with a bloody nose. He stands over me as if to make sure that I won’t stand back up. Then he slowly sits down in the seat next to me.

“Leeya talked to me,” he then says and I freeze. I feel like my soul has left my body. Has she been running her mouth about me again? We might be together for almost two years but… Things aren’t so good between us anymore. She never used to go poking around in my business which is why I liked her. Now she was talking to Winston and Joe and Anders and who knows who else.

“What are you talking about?” I ask quietly and I clench my fists. Has  _ he _ been running his mouth? I turn my head and I look him up and down. 

“She… She came to see me last night,” he tells me and he clears his throat. “She told me to stay away from you.”

I snort. “Stay away from me? Why?” What does Leeya care who I hang out with? It’s none of her business who I’m friends with, she can’t control me. 

Winston shrugs uncomfortably and then he exhales deeply. “She thinks I’m obsessed with you,” he tells me. “She accused me of trying to get in between you two.” He waits for my reaction and I can’t help my grin to myself.

“Well, she’s not wrong, is she?” I only half-joke. Winston  _ is _ kind of obsessing over me and blowing me… Yep, he was definitely trying to get in between me and Leeya. Not that I minded, but Leeya is right. 

Winston doesn't look like he agrees or even finds my joke remotely funny. He actually looks hurt and he licks his lips and then blinks at me several times. "Please tell me you're joking."

I shrug. I don't see what the big deal is and why it upsets him so much. "So you weren't trying to get in between me and my girlfriend?" We both know that he was and he looks even more hurt as he begins to realise that. 

"I-Fuck," he says and then he stands up shakily.

"Winston?" He's starting to scare me now. Did I say something wrong? 

"God, I'm such an idiot," he says and then he laughs helplessly. "I thought…"

"You thought what?" I roll my eyes at how dramatic he's being. We said it at the beginning, this was just fun with no strings attached. He can't seriously have thought that anything more would come out of this. 

He takes a deep breath in. "Do you… Do I mean anything to you?" he asks me and for a split second, he's back to being the Winston that I know, the confident one who is able to stand up to me. 

Does he mean anything to me? What kind of question is that? We're… friends. I mean, sometimes I need his help but… it's not like I care about him or anything. Not in the way that I cared about Leo or Leeya. Winston is… 

"Erm," I say and I scratch the back of my head as Winston watches me. "You're alright I guess." He starts laughing then, a cold laugh like he can't believe what he's hearing. 

I frown at his reaction. "What did you expect after blowing me a few times? You thought I'd fall in love with you? Everything would be sunshine and rainbows, I'd break up with my girlfriend and I'd move in with you?" I'm shouting at him and I don't even know why. It's like I'm letting all my frustration out on him even though he deserves none of it. "Well guess what, life isn't all art and college and parties, okay? We don't always get what we want!"

He stares at me and then his face softens a bit. "And what do you want Monty?" he asks me softly and then he looks down at his feet. "Am  _ I  _ what you want?"

My throat suddenly feels dry. What  _ do _ I want? Do I want my girlfriend to treat me like I'm perfect again? Do I want to go back to being the perfect soccer star I was a few months ago? Or maybe I want Leo back. No, I know. I want to go back to that night and stop myself from getting in the car because that's when it all went wrong. I sure as hell know that Winston isn't what I want. 

I burst out laughing and Winston's lip quivers. His eyes turn glassy and then he nods and a tear falls down his cheek. "Fuck you," he says quietly and then another tear falls down his cheek. He quickly wipes it away and turns away from me. 

He walks down the bus and then he stops by the door like he's contemplating turning back around or maybe he's just hoping that I'd call out to him. 

He slowly turns his head to the side. "I wish I never fucking met you," he whispers and then tears really start flooding down his cheeks. I feel a pang in my chest like someone punching me. 

"And I wish you were fucking dead," I say only loud enough for him to hear. "I wish it was you and not Leo. Leo was actually good for something. It should have been  _ you _ in that bathroom."

And that does it for him. He finally leaves me alone. Just how I wanted it. For everyone to leave. 

***

And here we go again. I end up knocking on his door. Again. 

I felt so weird having to ask about his room number at the front desk, I felt like the old bag knew what I was doing and why I needed it. I could tell that she was silently judging me saying 'you hurt Winston and we both know it'. Winston locked himself away in his room straight after he got out of the bus. I didn't even see him for a second. 

His room is on the floor below mine so I should come up with a really really good excuse as to what I’m doing around Winston’s room if anyone asks. It would be fine if it was early evening and I needed something before the game. But it’s one in the fucking morning and there’s no reason for why I should be here. 

I almost fell asleep when I got in the elevator. I leaned my head against the metal and I hummed to myself. I only snapped out of it when the door opened on the third floor and I dragged my feet out. I looked around the hallway but nobody was there, deadly silent. I guess everyone had an early night in before the match. Not me.

I almost changed my mind and turned back around once I reached his door. What am I thinking, showing up here? I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned me away.

But I ended up knocking in the end. I knew that he'd answer because he wasn't awake. How did I know? If our conversation kept me up then it kept him up too. 

He slowly opens the door, the room is completely dark inside and he squints at me. His eyes are puffy and red and I have to lick my dry lips to remind myself to speak. 

"I'm sorry," I croak out and he immediately tries to slam the door in my face. I put one foot forward to stop him and he groans. 

"You've got some nerve coming here," he says and my heart starts to thud in my chest. 

"I didn't mean what I said," I say quietly and he scoffs. He let's go of the door and walks inside leaving me where I am. I follow him. "Winston! I didn't mean what I said." I regretted it the minute it came out of my mouth and I wished that I could take it back.

Winston stands with his back to me, in front of the window so that I can only see his silhouette. 

"Then why did you say it? If you didn't mean it," he asks and he doesn't turn around. He stays staring out of the window. I take a few steps towards him but I make sure not to come too close to him. 

"I don't know…" I whisper suddenly feeling ashamed of having said it, of having hurt the only person who ever truly cared about me. "I was just… Angry." The things he said hurt me too, he can't act innocent.

He chuckles coldly. "Yeah… you were angry," he says and then he shakes his head like he can't believe that he's having to say this. "And what do you do when you're angry Monty? You hurt people. You hurt  _ me _ . You push me away." He finally turns to face me and his voice is when harsher when he speaks again. "And I've had enough of it. I try my best to just… be there for you. I try my best to figure out what it is that you need and what… how to make it better for you. And what do I get in return?"

"I didn't mean it," I say again only more desperately. Is it not getting to him? I take a few steps forwards, take his hands and he tries to push me off but I don't let go. "Please, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it… I didn't mean it... " I keep repeating the same sentence over and over again until my voice is barely above a whisper. But Winston pulls away and takes a step back. 

"I can't do it anymore Monty," he says. "This is exhausting. And I can't-"

"So you're just gonna leave," I conclude for him. I told him that everyone leaves and he's just like everyone else. Of course, he'd leave. Everyone leaves. Leo left, Holden already feels like he’s gone and now Winston is leaving. Why did I think he was different? 

He runs his hands down his face. " _ Yes! _ I'm gonna fucking leave!" he says and he doesn't even try to tell me that's he's staying. He always told me that he wasn't gonna leave. I clench my fists but my anger fizzles away and it's replaced by this… empty feeling. This feeling that's twisting and turning my stomach and suddenly there's something running down my cheeks. 

"No, Winston no," I say and I try to grab onto his shirt but he pushes me away. "Please don't leave," I beg him and I don't even realise that my hands are trembling. "Please don't fucking leave. I fucking need you, okay? I need you to stay. Please, I really fucking need you to stay."

I'm sobbing by the time I'm done and I'm not afraid to admit it, I'm there in front of him, begging him not to leave me and he stands there with his arms crossed over his chest like I'm just a minor inconvenience that will go away soon. 

"I know I fucked up," I say quietly but he won't even look at me. "Okay? See? I admit it! I'm fucked up and I fuck up. I fuck up and I don't know how to stop. But you can't leave, please.  _ Please _ you can't leave me…"

I hold my breath and I wait. He blinks and then a perfect tear falls down his cheek. He quickly wipes it away and clears his throat. "I think… I think you… I think it's best if you call Anders tomorrow morning. I could help you." he says and I stare at him. What's he going on about? "I think… I think Leo's death affected you more than we thought. It would be good for you to speak to someone about it."

He's not… being serious? I need _ him _ . I want  _ him. _ I don't need a fucking therapist. I scoff and Winston still won't look at me. Why won't he look at me? Why is he leaving? 

I walk out and he doesn't even stop me. He really doesn't. He just lets me walk right out. And I even wait outside his hotel room and count to ten. I count to ten several times and I wait for the door to open and for Winston to step out. He just needs to step out and then I'll be okay. 

I count to ten until the numbers stop sounding like numbers and more like gibberish.

So I go back to my room and I lock my door. Three in the morning.

It's three in the morning. And my suitcase is out and open on the bed. I suddenly remember why. I was looking for a nice shirt to wear for Winston. I snort at how ridiculous that is. What am I? A fag? What do I care about Winston or shirts or anything actually? 

Why do I care?  _ Do  _ I even care? Does anyone else? 

I reach into the smaller pocket of my suitcase. I find the sleeping pills and the painkillers. Then the bottle of whiskey on the table starts to look very appealing. 

Winston fucked me up and I won't be able to sleep. I need to sleep. I need to rest. I need to finally fucking rest. 

I need everything to stop. Just for a second. Please.

**_End of Part One_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY  
> the next chapter is almost finished so I promise I'll be updating again soon  
> Hope you... enjoyed it?


	13. No Reply

**Part Two - Letters To Patroclus**

**Thriteen**

The plan is simple. Get inside, buy the bar of chocolate and walk out. Simple. Very simple. Almost too simple actually.

No. We're not doing that again. No. Dr Ellman said overthinking was what always got me into messes in the first place. Either overthinking or not thinking enough. I need to find a healthy balance. 

It's a small convenience store and there's no one inside but me and the old lady at the till. However, I still feel more nervous than ever. I haven't been out like this for weeks, months actually. 

After rehab, I had Anders and Leeya do everything for me. Okay, Joe helped too. He's alright even though I hate admitting it. 

I pick the bar of chocolate up with shaky hands and then I walk with it to the counter. The lady looks me up and down as I tap my fingers on the counter. Oh shit, she doesn't recognise me, right? That's the last thing I need. 

But she just tells me the price and asks if I'm paying by cash or card.

"Cash," I reply and the transaction goes smoothly and soon after I have the bar of chocolate in my hands. Leeya is grinning at me widely as I step out with it in my hands. Even I can't help but smile. 

"Aah! I'm so proud of you!" she says and she throws her arms around my neck. She pulls me in for a kiss and I smile at her. I'm happy. I'm happy now and I'm okay. I'm okay because I'm Monty de la Cruz the soccer player. 

Leeya and I aren't together. We decided that it was best if I… I wasn't in the right mindset to be in a relationship. Which didn't mean that Leeya didn't spend time with me. She helped out but she dropped the overprotective girlfriend act. The break actually did us good. We're better now, we might be getting back together soon and then I'll have my life in order. 

There's like a tick box list in my head. First social interaction with a stranger since rehab? Check. That's just another thing ticked off my list. Once everything is ticked off, I'll have my old fake life back. Except it won't be so fake anymore.

One of the guys who jumped me, Peter, he got into a gang fight and he died from a stab wound. I know that it's terrible to profit from someone's death but… I couldn't be more relieved that now two of them were dead and there was only Derek left. Then all my ties to prison would be broken and I would be free. 

I have Leeya, my almost girlfriend, I have Joe, my best friend, and I have Anders, my trustworthy manager/agent. Everything is good. 

Leeya and I sit in the car and we split the chocolate in half. I nibble on it as Leeya tells me stories about college. Her stories and gossip were the only things keeping me going during rehab.

You might be wondering why I haven't spoken about Holden yet. That's because I want to forget about that bastard altogether. Turns out he  _ was _ planning something, Joe was right, I should have trusted my best friend. Holden left the team shortly after the season ended. We didn't get into the playoffs. Not because we couldn't, we had a really good chance at just scraping by. But Bradley decided that the team needed a break and it was too emotionally draining for all of us. He blamed it on the photography crew or whatever and then he had the board fire Baxter along with the crew. Serves him right. 

So after my… Overdose or whatever, the match was pushed back and it kept on getting pushed back until Bradley said enough and he said that we were withdrawing from the playoffs as a team. I've had months to get better and the season starts again soon, fresh start. Twenty-one year old Monty is much better than the twenty-year-old one. 

"Oh and, Joe and Lilly said we should come by for dinner today," Leeya adds and I nod. Joe's actually got a girlfriend now. A stable relationship, would you believe it? Lilly is nothing special, I've seen a thousand girls like her but if Joe likes her then… Leeya for sure hates her. I'm not sure what it is but every time she hangs out with her she comes back home to rant to me about the poor girl. 

"I'm actually…" Since the whole rehab thing and whatever… I've been more and more exhausted. My sleeping problems haven't stopped and Dr Ellman refuses to prescribe me any sleeping pills. I guess that's my fault for being stupid and chugging them all down at once. 

"Yeah, I thought you might be tired," Leeya says and she kisses me on the cheek. "I'll just tell them that we'll come by another time."

"I love you," I say and she beams at me. 

"I love you too."

I try to say it at least once a day and every day it gets easier and easier to say it. One day I might actually mean it. 

I already got in trouble for saying things I don't mean before, when will I learn my lesson? 

***

I kind of wish I got Leeya to move in with me, it’s lonely to wake up to an empty bed. It’s lonely.

1:17 am

I still can’t sleep. It’s been months and months and I’m still no better. Dr Ellman says that I’ve actually made a lot of progress but I don’t see it. He also thinks that I’m not being entirely honest with him. He doesn’t think it’s Leo that I’m still hung up on, but who else could it be?

I still remember that night, missing Leo and just being fed up with everything. That’s why I did it, I was still upset over Leo.

It’s so lonely without him. 

Waking up in the hospital those two months ago was… an experience. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Anders look that angry and that worried at the same time. It was straight to rehab, no arguments and no questions asked. 

I can’t say that anyone was too shocked to see that I finally snapped, the media all said that they saw it coming, that I was a ticking time bomb. Apparently everyone but me could see that.

I… I asked about Winston of course. It was the first thing I did when I woke up. Anders just looked at me like he… like he felt sorry for me and then he just shook his head. Winston left. Disappeared. Poof.

No one heard from him for weeks. I had Anders on the lookout, hiring private investigators and whatever else just so I’d know if he was okay. And then one day his picture showed up on the front cover of a magazine.

And I was so fucking mad. I had Anders scrap everything, I wanted to wipe the Winston Williams chapter out of my life completely. I was in rehab, losing sleep, losing my mind and he was there just… Posing in front of a camera.

Dr Ellman said that it might help for me to write down my thoughts, I looked at him like he was crazy. 

“Whenever you had a problem, you talked about it with Leo, right?” he said and I nodded. “Get yourself a notebook and write it down, whatever you’d want to talk to Leo about. Write it down.”

I wasn’t too convinced. “Sounds depressing.”

Dr Ellman didn’t get impatient with me. “Write it like it’s a letter to Leo.”

So I got a notebook and I tried writing. But I stared at a blank page for hours and hours and nothing came to mind. What would I even say to Leo? Sorry? I had no idea what I wanted to say to him. 

However, I started writing and I found out that Leo wasn’t the one I was writing to. I wrote pages and pages and pages of how much I hate him, how much I loathe him for leaving me after I ODed and how I hope he’s having fun prancing around in front of that camera.

And then I cried and I realised that I meant none of what I wrote. I won’t say it if I don’t mean it. So those pages got ripped out, thrown in the fireplace and I started again. 

I don’t write every day, only when I’ve got something to say. If I wrote to him every time that I missed him then I would never stop writing.

_ I went outside today. Shopping. I was a bit nervous but I think I did well. I missed you today. Dr Ellman said that I’m making progress but something is holding me back.  _ You’re _ holding me back but that’s okay. I don’t mind. I think you’ll always hold me back. I can’t imagine a day when I won’t be missing you. _

_ I wonder if you’re okay. I wish there was some way I could contact you… But I know you want to be left alone. You’ve made that clear when you blocked all of Anders’ fifty phone numbers. Sorry about that, I was just trying to get a hold of you. _

_ I think I wrote the word ‘sorry’ about a hundred times in this notebook. Here’s me writing it again. I’m sorry. I want to apologise in person but I won’t bother you. _

_ You’ve moved on with your life and I’m happy for you. I hope you’re doing well. I miss you. _

It’s one of my shortest entries but it hurts all the same. I put the notebook away in my drawer and I lock it again. 

I close my eyes but I don’t fall asleep.

***

I’m glad that Joey is still around. Going back to training is weird. No Leo, no Holden, no crew. There are some new youngsters but I don’t pay attention to them. I need to focus on Joe and Joe only.

Anders has arranged an interview for me and Joe straight after training. It’s not about the season or even football at all. It’s one of the ones that get posted on YouTube in order to get to know celebrities better. I wouldn’t call myself a celebrity but whatever. Anders just wants me out there so people can see that I’m okay.

“If you don’t feel like answering something, just turn to me and I’ll answer,” Joe tells me as we’re having our hair and makeup done. He’s trying so hard to be Leo but I know that he’s just doing his best.

The makeup lady accidentally pokes me in the eye with a brush and apologises. Usually, I’d mind and tell her to fuck off but I don’t wanna be difficult. I need to be nicer to people if I want them to be nice to me. 

Turns out the questions aren’t even that challenging, they’re questions like ‘describe your weirdest dream’ or ‘would you rather do this interview or kill yourself?’. Well, the suicide attempt didn’t work out so what other option do I have?

I don’t answer all of them even though I try, I’m too tired to but fortunately, Joe is there and he answers every question with a smile. I don’t know how he does it. 

“Last question,” Joe says and he pulls the rolled up piece of paper out of the glass jar leaving it empty. We’re sat on the couch in the stupid studio and the lights and all the cameras are aimed at us. I try to block them out and focus on Joe.

He unrolls the piece of paper and then clears his throat before reading the question out. “An unusual combination that has a special place in your heart,” Joe says and he smiles at the camera. “Hmm, Monty?”

I panic at first as I try to think of something but then something clicks in my mind. I lick my dry lips and I look at the camera. “Weed and strawberry ice cream,” I say quietly and I try to smile at the end just like Joe. I think I just about manage it.

Hopefully, they can post the interview without cutting my answer out.

***

“You sure you don’t want a ride home?” Joe asks me and I shake my head.

“I’m fine walking,” I say and Joe nods. I can’t remember the last time I drove a car, a long long time ago. I don’t have problems getting into one but I don’t like driving it. I lose focus, start thinking about shit and who knows, I could cause an accident. 

I have a bike now. I actually bike to training and everywhere else every day, would you believe that? At least Bradley is glad that I’m keeping in shape. But today I’m walking back home from the studio.

“Alright,” Joe says and he gives me a pat on the back before getting in his car. I walk away without waiting for him to drive away.

It’s late February. Twenty-Eighth actually. The season starts tomorrow but we don’t have a game until the second of March. Hopefully, I manage to sleep before then.

Weed and strawberry ice cream. I actually smile to myself as I think about it. It’s freezing cold and I stuff my hands in my pockets. Wasn’t it October then? Maybe September when he took me to the beach and we… And  _ I _ kissed him. It wasn’t cold then but it wasn’t warm either. He was warm. He was nice to lay down next to.

I wonder who he’s laying next to right now. I wish there was some way to know but… I said that I don’t want to know what he does with his life and yet his name somehow ends up in my search bar from time to time. 

He has no social media whatsoever, he does photoshoots but not interviews. His agent’s phone number is listed under contact info and that’s it. Maybe if I was desperate… No. I need to let him be. He doesn’t need me to go around fucking up his life again. He’s had enough.

Leeya is waiting for me at home. She brought food. We eat, talk about our day, clean up and then I go to bed. I don’t sleep. 

It’s like this every single day, nothing new. 

This is my life now, boring, exhausting and fake. But at least I have people that care about me, at least I’m not in prison and I have a roof over my head. It’s alright, this life even if it’s pretend. It’s much better than most people get.

***

_ I really wish that I could talk to you. I was close to calling your agent today but Anders stopped me just in time, thank God. I meant what I said, I’m gonna leave you alone. Keeping that promise has got to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I’m not gonna break it. I’m doing it for you. _

_ Did you watch the game today? I couldn’t really focus during the whole match, I don’t know if you noticed. If you watched it that is. I kept on looking around, searching the sidelines and the audience for your face.  _

_ I know it’s stupid but I can’t help it. I look for you everywhere I go, hoping I’ll turn the corner and bump into you because at least then I’d have an excuse to see you again. _

_ You look good. I’ve seen the magazine covers and pictures on the internet. You actually look more than good. I wish I had said this in person but I was stupid.  _

_ You know I miss the sound of your voice. Sometimes when I wake up and I’m still half asleep, I close my eyes and I try to imagine you sitting next to me, a book in your lap and you telling me the story of Achilles again. _

_ I guess that’s another thing that he and I have in common, we never got our happy ending. Not that I deserve one anyway. _

_ It’s getting harder and harder to replicate your voice in my head. I feel like I’m slowly losing you and I panic. Then I remember that I lost you months ago. Did I ever even have you? _

_ I just realised how pathetic this is, writing this like you’ll actually read it and reply. Fucking depressing. If you read this you’d probably laugh. _

_ I said that you were obsessed with me but look at me, writing pages and pages about you as if you care. I’m the obsessed one.  _

_ Heard you dropped out of college, do what makes you happy I guess. Are you happy? I hope you are. You deserve to be happy. Even if it’s not with me. Let’s be honest, you’ll never be happy as long as I’m in your life. _

_ I went by your old apartment a few nights ago. I was walking home after an interview and I said something that reminded me of you. Obviously you don’t live there anymore but it was nice to pretend that I was coming by to see you.  _

_ I miss you. _

_ *** _

Leeya and Joe are washing dishes in the kitchen. I can hear them laughing and joking around and I smile to myself knowing that the two most important people in my life are getting along.

Lilly, Joe’s girlfriend, comes back from the bathroom and she sits down at the table. I immediately put my phone away because I don’t want to seem rude. 

“God, they’re  _ still  _ in there?” Lilly asks and she rolls her eyes but not in a mean way. I chuckle softly. Splashing and squealing comes from the kitchen and Lilly raises her eyebrows at me. “I guess we’re going to be waiting a while.” She takes her phone out of the pocket which is immediately an indication that I can use mine too. 

It's difficult trying to decide what to do. I can't go on twitter because Minnesota just played their first match and I don't want to know what the score was. I don't want to see Holden celebrating with his new teammates. Same goes for Instagram. Google is out if the question too, the 'w' on my keyboard looks too tempting. 

So I play some game on my phone. Not a complicated game, it's one of those 'snake vs block' kind of games that even a toddler could play. 

I almost pass my high score but then I get a call and my snake goes in the wrong lane and dies because the block is too big for it to break. 

"Fuck," I groan under my breath and then I look at the number. Private number. This should be good. 

"Hello?" I say and then I excuse myself from the table and walk outside so I can talk on the phone in peace. Joe's got a nice backyard, I think Lilly takes care of the garden because I can't imagine Joe gardening. 

"Is this Monty de la Cruz?" the other voice asks and I frown. 

"Who is this?" They somehow have my number but they're not sure if it's my number? I swear, if this is another crazy stalker…

"Nick. Erm," he replies and then pauses. Nick? Is that supposed to mean something to me? Maybe. My memory's been kind of hazy since that night and it takes me a while to remember things. 

I don't say anything for a long while and 'Nick' sighs. "I used to be on the crew. I worked with Joe?" Oh. That Nick. The Nick that had a full head of ginger curls and was scared to speak around me because I always snapped at him. I'm a different person now. 

"Right," I say awkwardly. I don't like being reminded of who I used to be. I'm better now.

"I'm throwing a birthday party. Just thought you might want to come. I'll text you the address," Nick tells me and I'm too shocked to say anything. Who is he to call me up out of nowhere and just… invite me to his birthday party? How old is he turning? Fifteen? His voice isn't as squeaky as he used to be so I'm guessing he finally hit puberty. 

Be nice Monty. Remember what Dr Ellman said. "Um. Thanks but-"

"I really think you should come," Nick says and I realise that I'm not the only one who's changed. Nick is actually interrupting me and being confident, it's a nice change. 

"Why would I do that?" I ask him and I shiver as the wind blows in my face. Fucking march weather, warm one minute and freezing the next. 

Nick doesn't answer for a second and then he sighs. "You know Winston and I were friends, right?" he says and my heart skips a beat at the sound of his name. " _ Are _ friends actually."

I want to ask him a million questions. Does he know where Winston is? Is he okay? What's he been like these past few months? Is he seeing anyone? 

But I can't seem to be able to form any words. 

"My birthday is invite-only," Nick then says casually like he hasn't just mentioned Winston a few seconds ago. "I'll text you the address." He hangs up on me. 

I don't know what to think. Nick… I had no idea he was friends with Winston. Of course, I've seen them talk a few times but… Winston was in charge and Nick was on the crew so I didn't think much of it. 

But Nick just… He practically just told me that I was going to see Winston. Oh fuck. I was going to see Winston. Was this Nick's or Winston's idea? I don't want to show up there just to find out that Winston doesn't want anything to do with me. I wouldn't be surprised.

I think about it for days after. I think about it for a full week and I'm still thinking about it when it's finally the date of the party. 

I have the address memorized by now. I've been staring at that text for hours on end. 

_ I don't know if you know but Nick invited me to his birthday party. He said that you'd be there and I know that I said I'd leave you alone now but you've got to understand. I'm going crazy over here. I'd do anything just to see you. We don't even have to talk, you don't even have to look at me. I just want to see you, see that you're doing well and that you're happy. Maybe then I'll finally sleep better.  _

I stop and I look around my bedroom. I'm alone, no one would know if I just sneaked out, just to have a look and say hello to Nick. It would be rude not to go. __

No no no. No. I've got to keep my promise. I am going to leave him alone. 

_ I'm not going to see you. I want to. But I won't. I'm not good for you. I miss you but I don't want to hurt you which is why I'm going to stay at home. _

_ *** _

And then it was midnight and I couldn't sleep. I can't fucking sleep. Fuck. It's so fucking funny. Like I don't even know how I'm still alive at this point, I should be dead from exhaustion and a million other things by now. 

I told myself that I'd just go for a walk to clear my head. Except all that was in my head was the address that I had memorized. Nick still lived in the area so… You can guess where I'm going with this. 

It's at some old bar, I wouldn't expect anything less from a college student. Looks like the party hasn't ended yet, I was kind of hoping that it would be over by now and I could just go home knowing that I managed to stay away from the party and Winston. 

But there are people outside, smoking, drinking and laughing. I don't recognise any of them until this tall one takes his hoodie off and I see a mop of bright orange hair. Nick.

I stare at him. He's changed a lot since I last saw him. He's drunk, laughing with his friends as they tease him and mess his hair up. I remember a time when I was Nick. A time before it all went to shit. I hate that he’s a reminder of everything I did. 

I stand by a bus stop close by and I pull my hood over my head so they can't spot me. They're drunk anyway so I doubt they'll see me from the distance.

I watch the group and the door as I wait for a flash of dark brown locks. It'd be nice to see what he looks like, I feel like the magazine pictures don't do him justice. I know that his hair is longer now. Much longer. I've always hated long hair on men just because it looked so… wrong. Winston actually managed to pull the long hair off. 

I sigh and I rest my head against the bus stop. Maybe he didn't come either. Perhaps Nick told him that I'd be here so he decided to stay away. It's okay if he doesn't want to see me today. Or ever. I understand.

But then I see him walk out of the bar. He's holding onto this guy's arm. Not in an affectionate way or anything. This guy has short brown hair and he must be at least an inch shorter than Winston. Winston is holding onto his elbow and dragging him along. His lips are set in a thin line. 

I almost forget about everything, the fact that he doesn't want to see me and that I shouldn't even be here. It's just me and him. Except he's not focused on me, he can't even see me. So I turn my back on him and I lean against the bus stop so that my face is covered. I'm lucky that no one is around or they'd think I was going insane. 

My heart thuds as I hear the sound of his voice, I wish I could make out what he's saying. 

"Williams, come on! Let the boy have some fun, don't leave so early!" someone from the group shouts and Winston laughs. 

"No, we gotta go," he says and he's trying to sound casual but I can hear the edge to his voice. Fuck, his voice. It sounds so real that it's making me realise how different it is to the voice I make up in my head. 

"Alright," the guy calls out and then I hear Winston curse under his breath. I tell myself to stay still and act like I'm looking at the bus time table, I don't need to be drawing attention to myself. 

"Baby, are you mad at me?" I hear a voice ask and they're walking closer and closer towards me. Winston doesn't respond. "Winnie baby, I'm sorry."

"Shut the fuck up, you promised you wouldn't drink," Winston snaps back and it looks like he never loses the edge to his voice these days. So this is what meeting me did to him, I knew I fucked his life up but I haven't realised that I could have… fucked _ him _ up too. This was never meant to happen. 

And I hold my breath as I wait for them to walk past but instead Winston groans and stops. "Sit down, fuck. I left my phone inside. Wait here." He walks past me and helps the smaller guy sit down on the bench at the bus stop. Fortunately for me, Winston pays no attention to me, he just leaves his friend on the bench. 

His friend is just a few centimetres away from me and Winston isn't around. It would be so easy for me to just… 

No. Mind your own business, Monty. 

"Excuse me, do you have a cigarette?" the guy speaks to me and it's so fucking easy.  _ Too _ easy for me to ask him about Winston or play the nice guy and offer to get a taxi for him. 

"No," I say harshly and I turn away from the bus time table. I lock eyes with the guy for a second, dark brown eyes that remind me of the ones I see in the mirror every morning. He stares at me and he frowns, probably thinking the same as me. 

"You look like-" he says and then he vomits all over me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  _ Fuck _ . I was supposed to leave unnoticed and now-How the fuck am I supposed to leave discreetly when I've got vomit soaking my trousers and the bottom of my hoodie. Fuck this guy. Who the fuck is Winston hanging around with? Maybe leaving him alone wasn't such a good idea, after all, he needs someone to keep him in check and make sure he's not hanging out with hobos like this guy.

"Okay, I-Oh fuck! Oh God! Fuck, I'm so fucking sorry!" No. This isn't supposed to be happening. But my feet are glued to the floor like some higher power is saying 'turn around and talk to him'. I can't. I can't force myself back into his life again. It would be unfair for me to do so. 

So as Winston runs over and starts apologizing all over again, I quickly turn on my heel and I walk away. He calls after me but I ignore it. I don't open my mouth, my voice would be a giveaway. 

_ That was too close. Way too close. We can't have that happening again. From now on, I'm going to completely ignore you.  _

***

_ Yes, it's going to be hard. Especially when another one of your photoshoots just came out. I may have glanced at some of the pictures but can you blame me? You looked good. I really like the long hair.  _

_ No, fuck. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't even be writing to you anymore, it's just holding me back.  _

_ You know I still like to think that one day we'll meet up and we'll talk it all out. I'll tell you about this, about this exact moment that I'm writing this and you'll laugh at me and you'll tease me for obsessing over you so much. But you'll understand. You'll tell me that you obsessed over me too, you checked my social media and you googled me like I googled you. We'll laugh about it. In another time. But not soon.  _

It's difficult to write when Leeya keeps on interrupting me, asking me if I want to throw it away or keep it. But I don't get mad at her, that's not who I am. We're going to do it right this time. 

"Monty. Green shirt. Keep or toss?" She holds up an ugly green flannel shirt that I don't remember wearing in years. I grimace and she laughs before throwing the shirt into the black bin bag. They're all going to charity. Cleaning my closet out is a small step in the right direction. 

I think I'm going to ask Leeya to move in. Then it'll be easier. She'll be my girlfriend, maybe fiance, and we'll be able to sell the happy couple picture. Maybe it'll finally feel like I want to be in this relationship. 

Seeing Winston did more good than I thought it would. I saw what I had done to him and I realised that I needed to stay as far away from him as I could. He needs to get on with his life and I need to get on with building my fake life. 

Leeya looks through my closet as she sits in a pile of clothes on the floor. I'm letting her do whatever she wants in my apartment, hopefully, it'll feel like home by the time she's moved in for good. 

I look back at my notepad but I don't know what to say anymore, Leeya interrupted me and I can't focus on Winston anymore when I know that she's right here. Kind of spoils the whole thing. 

"Ew, what's this old thing?" I look up and she's holding a faded yellow T-shirt. My heart stops. I think I'm going to vomit.

"Put it back," I say quietly and I clench my jaw. Leeya raises an eyebrow at me. I shouldn’t do this, the whole point of this is to completely let go of him. And yet I can’t. I can’t get rid of this. I forgot that I even had it.

"You can't be serious, have you seen this thing? Do you even wear it? I've never-"

"Put. It. Back." I don't lash out at her like I used to but it's hard to keep my cool. She shouldn't be touching that shirt. She shouldn't be anywhere near it. 

Leeya's eyes widen and she gulps like she realises that it's better not to push it. She gently throws the yellow T-shirt on my bed and now I can't take my eyes off of it. 

"I, erm... " She slowly but steadily stands up and she runs her fingers through the roots of her hair. "I was supposed to meet up with someone. I completely forgot."

No, she wasn't. She told me she had no plans and she was happy to tidy my bedroom for me. But I scared her and now she's leaving. Why do I always have to fuck this shit up? It's all his fault. Everything is good until he… everything is good until Winston. That's it. He fucks everything up. Because I let him. 

I drift away to sleep with the notebook in my lap. I don't understand why and how I managed to fall asleep so quickly. I don't wake up until nine in the morning which is strange as I usually toss and turn all night and then I stay up and decide to write in my notebook instead.

It all makes sense when I wake up and I realise that the yellow T-shirt is on my pillow and I fell asleep with it glued to my cheek. It doesn't smell like him anymore. Doesn't smell like anything but my closet, to be honest. But memories don't disappear as quickly as perfume does. 

The first time I kissed him, this shirt was laying close by on the sand. It had been there and it witnessed everything. It was like looking at it made me replay the whole thing in my head. 

I pick the pen up and I write down the date and write a single entry

_ I fell asleep today.  _


	14. Speak Now

**Fourteen**

_ Was he just a friend Winston? Why did he call you that awful name? Fuck, why did you let him? _

_ Winnie? Seriously?  _

_ I'm not going to judge your taste in friends right now, I know that you're going through shit. Because of me. Obviously you need a little… distraction. Because that's all that guy is. He's not really for you.  _

_ I mean, have you seen how much of a mess he is? But then again, we both know how much you love cleaning messes up. Me being a prime example.  _

_ Maybe it didn't work out with me and now you're trying it with someone else. A way to prove that not everyone is completely lost like me, that some people can be saved.  _

_ I wouldn't say that I was saved. More like… finally woke the fuck up and realised that I need to do something with my life. You made me realise that.  _

_ I'm not fully better though. Once I am, then I can start thinking about reaching out to you. I want you to see that I can improve, that I wasn't completely lost. Everyone deserves a second chance. Or in my instance, a sixth chance.  _

"Scribble scribble scribble scribble," Joe says in a silly voice and then he grins cheekily. And the mood is ruined. I close my notebook and I shove it into my bag without saying a word. Joe then looks up.

"Oh shit, sorry. Is that your letters to Leo th-" 

"No," I say quickly. I don't need Joe to think that I'm still hung up on Leo. I am though. Every time I think back to what happened, I can't help but think what would be different if Leo was still alive. I know for definite that the funeral bullshit wouldn't have happened, Leo's fucking brother wouldn't have inherited everything and then I wouldn't be so pissed off about that. 

Maybe if Leo was around then I wouldn't have become so dependent on Winston. I certainly wouldn't have hurt him because I'd be able to think rationally. See, this is the fucking problem. I blame everything I do on other people or at least try to link them with my problems so I can take less of the blame. Dr Ellman told me that I was doing this but I didn't believe him. 

Joe keeps staring at me and then he quickly looks away. I know that he misses Leo too. We've stayed up a few times, getting drunk and talking about him until the sun came up. We even took turns impersonating Leo, saying things we thought he'd say. I can safely say that I did a better job than Joe. But it's not a competition anymore, we're teammates and we work together. Me and my best friend.

We're on the plane, heading to our… fourth match of the season? It's been a month since Nick's birthday party. I'm still keeping my distance, still keeping my promise. 

Winston is slowly starting to get more and more recognition. There was even talk about an acting job in the magazine interview one time but Winston said that acting wasn't for him. 

There may be more and more magazines with him on the front cover but that doesn't entirely mean more interviews. I understand why, they always ask about your past and they would no doubt ask him what it was like working with LAFC. If he was honest he'd probably say that it was the worst time of his life. 

He’s still keeping my secret. At first, I thought that maybe he was so angry that he'd go to a newspaper and sell them this story about me and a prison fight. It would certainly end my career in seconds and make them dig even deeper. But he kept it to himself. Part of me hopes that it's because he still has… maybe respect for me. Maybe just pity. But he definitely doesn't want to hurt me, if he did then he'd definitely tell people my secret. 

Joe focuses on his phone to avoid an awkward talk about Leo. Neither of us is in the mood. This past month hasn't exactly been all that easy on us. 

We've been out of the game for a while and it was hard to keep up at first. I think we got the hang of it now. It was also difficult without Leo, Holden and this other guy who retired. I never noticed him but apparently he was important to the team. 

Remember Lilly? Joe's 'very stable girlfriend'? He's had about five new ones since her. I really don't know what his problem is, I try to get him to tell me what happened but he just shrugs and says that they're not who he's looking for. Could be a while before he finds his perfect match. 

He’s dating a Rebecca now, I haven’t met her yet but Leeya has and she’s been bitching about her ever since. I really don’t understand her, she’s been acting like a bitch all of this week.

Leeya and I are still on a break but we're… we're going out to dates now. It actually isn't all that bad. Apart from the bitching.

“Oh! Nick,” Joe then says randomly and I stare at him. He seems to think I’m annoyed with him. “Sorry, I-”

“What about Nick?” I ask him. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. If he and Winston are friends, then he must know at least some of what has happened. He’s obviously also been there for Winston after my OD so he saw what Winston was like…

I’m seriously considering calling him up and asking him a million questions. I don’t even care about the embarrassment, what’s Nick gonna do? Judge me? Wow, a small price to pay to find out what the hell is going on with Winston.

I might actually give it a try.

Joe shrugs. “He just texted me. I completely forgot about the guy,” he says and he keeps smiling at his phone screen. Then it comes to me, Joe can’t find his perfect match with a girl…

“Are you gay?” He stares at me and then he bursts out laughing.

“Do I fucking look like a fag?” he asks and he shakes his head. He finds it funny though and he continues laughing. But he takes ages to style his hair, always has a perfect outfit and I mean… I  _ did _ think he was a twink the first time I saw him.

“Oh, he wants to catch up,” Joe says and he sighs. “I was actually thinking about hiring an assistant.” Nah, he’s not gay, just a narcissistic asshole.

***

_ So I'm trying this new thing. Dr Ellman said that I'm still holding onto something. Yeah, no shit, I'm still kind of hoping you'll come back and let me explain myself. Even though I don't deserve it, I'd still like to try. Even if you wouldn't forgive me, I'd just need you to know that I regretted it.  _

_ Oh, fuck where was I. Right. This new thing. He thinks keeping hold of the letters is what I'm doing wrong, but he never told me to get rid of them. We decided that it would be good to write it, seal it off but instead of sending it, to burn it. That way I can pretend that you've read it, that you know how sorry I am.  _

_ Okay don't laugh at this part now, I'm actually being serious. So I got into Greek mythology again. I figured that I'd need a hobby since I don't actually do anything with my life. I still don't know how you did it, balancing college and the job and then me at the same time. I was too ignorant to notice back then.  _

_ Greek mythology. Right. There's so much shit to learn and to investigate and whatever else that it's taking up all my free time. At least I feel productive and then it's easier to fall asleep after being exhausted. _

_ I've researched almost every single one. All but one. I think you know which one. I can't even read his name without feeling sick. Not that thinking about you makes me sick or anything, I just really really fucking miss you.  _

_ I know a little about his story from what you told me and I sometimes compare it to yours. Then I realise that I know almost nothing about you. All that time we spent together and all I did was talk about myself. All that unnecessary arguing and for what? At least you got away from all of my bullshit.  _

_ Unnecessary? How do you spell this shit? Why are there so many letters? It's two ss, right? Or is it two cs?  _

_ Not like it matters, this bullshit is getting set on fire anyway. You know I have a full box of all the letters I’ve written to you? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get rid of them though, it would be like letting you go and I’m not ready to let you go yet. _

_ Maybe I’ll never let you go, I’ll always be waiting for you to come back. _

_ Fuck Ellman. _

I take the envelope, fold the paper and I put it inside. I think Dr Ellman had something else in mind, I think he may have meant that it was time to say goodbye and then burn the letter. It’s fine I’ll just lie to him like I do most of the time. I’m not ready for a goodbye yet.

I quickly seal the envelope before Anders can come back in his office and judge me for obsessing over Winston again. 

I don’t know what address to write because I have no idea where he lives. It’s not like he’s gonna get the letter though, so I just write his name and his old address. The pen feels slippery in my sweaty hand once I put dots above all the ‘i’s.

“Yes, of course. I totally understand,” I hear Anders’ voice from being the door and I quickly stuff the letter into my pocket. Anders stays outside the room as he finishes his call. Then the door opens and he’s frowning at his phone screen.

“Who is it this time?” I ask with a slight eyebrow raise. It’s not funny, but it kinda is. Anders doesn’t look like he’s in the mood. Apparently no one wants to sponsor an athlete that just came out of rehab and ODed recently. I even lost my sponsorship deal with Adidas and they’ve been here since the very beginning.

“Fucking PUMA,” Anders says and then he sits down in his chair, on the opposite side of the desk. PUMA. We’re so desperate that we’re trying _ PUMA _ . It’s a joke. 

“Might have to start calling food brands soon,” I joke but Anders bites his lip and rubs his temple.

“Already did. Pepsi hung up on me and the Coca Cola guy laughed,” Anders says and suddenly it’s not so funny anymore. Obviously it’s not just about the OD, it’s also about the fights and the fact that we practically blew last season. I’d be lucky to get  _ any _ sponsorship deal at this point. 

“Any good news for me?” I ask and Anders sighs and tries to think of something. He shakes his head. “ _ Anything? _ ” I lean forward across the desk and his eyes immediately widen.

“Monty… I thought we said-”

“You know something,” I cut him off. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be acting like he has something to hide. Yes, we agreed that I’d leave Winston alone but… If he knows something then I want to know too. “Anders.”

He groans and then he brushes his hair away from his face. “It’s not really about…  _ him _ but. Nick called. Asked for a meeting with you.” I stare at Anders. Nick? I blocked his number to avoid temptation but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to talk to him.

“What time did you set it for? I can do right now, move him up. Clear my schedule.” Anders laughs at me and shakes his head.

“I said you didn’t want to see him.”

I grimace. “Why would you do that?” Nick is pretty much my only connection to Winston. What is doing, sabotaging me like this? I look at the desk and then I pick Anders' phone up. “Call him back right now.”

Anders raises an eyebrow and he smiles. “Didn’t you say you were gonna leave Winston alone?”

I hate how he always analyses me. Before my OD, he was my manager and my… father figure kind of. Now he’s more like a… Friend. Like he used to be when I first got out of prison.

“This isn’t about Winston, it’s about Nick,” I try to convince him but he shakes his head. 

“No way, boy,” he says and he gently takes his phone out of my hand. “Not until I can see that you’re ready.”

I groan loudly and I throw my head back. “Ready for fucking what exactly?”

Anders sits up in his chair and puts his hands in his lap. “What would you do if Winston walked into the room right now?”

I open my mouth and then I shift uncomfortably. “What are you now? John Quinones?” I try to joke about it but neither of us is laughing. My heart is racing actually, just imagining Winston being close to me. I try to remember what I felt like on Nick’s birthday when he was just centimetres away from me, my heart is pounding.

“That’s what I thought,” Anders says and for once I’ll admit that he’s right.

***

It was maybe nine in the evening and I was getting ready for bed. Leeya wasn't going to be coming over so I was already looking forward to a night in with Winston's T-shirt. God, I felt like such a creep. 

Someone starts to mess around with my doorbell as I'm washing my teeth. There's a fucking notice there saying not to press the doorbell, it's so fucking loud that even one ring gives me a headache. But whoever this idiot is, he presses it and he keeps on clicking on it like a child. 

I rinse my mouth out and then I jog to the door. "Can you not fucking read?" I shout and I point to the note stuck to the door. But the guy stands in my doorway with his arms crossed over his chest. Nick. I only know that it's him because of the giveaway red hair. I can see that puberty did him good.

I just sigh and open the door further to let him in. This is gonna be good. "Would you like a drink?" I ask just out of politeness and Nick looks around as he stands in the middle of my living room. 

"You know I looked up to you," he then says and his brow is furrowed constantly like he wants to keep glaring at me forever. This kid I swear. 

Looked up to me. "Yeah, you and many others," I say quietly and I sit down on the couch. I know how upset everyone was with my OD, they looked up to me and I let them and the club down. It was because of me that we didn't get into the playoffs. 

“I’m not talking about… that,” Nick says and he turns as red as his hair. I sigh.

“My OD? You can say it, it’s not a dirty word,” I tell him with a shrug. I’m tired of people walking on eggshells around me, acting like I’m gonna break if I hear one word. 

Nick looks uncomfortable, he shrugs and he licks his lips. “I’m… When I worked with you. The team, I mean,” he tells me and he slowly sits down opposite me. He might not sound as angry as before but he is. “Even when you made fun of me and you… you made me feel like shit, I still looked up to you. I still wanted your approval. I mean, come on, you’re Monty de la Cruz.” He says it like it’s supposed to mean something, it’s just a word. A name. Means completely nothing and never will.

“What’s your point?” I ask him and I try to ignore the bad feeling I got from Nick mentioning how I mistreated him. I made fun of him for every little thing just because. Shit. 

“My point is that I never stopped looking up to you because... Because Winston never stopped talking about you. And all he did was praise you,” he tells me and I blink several times. Winston talked about me? Positively? To Nick? I want to ask him exactly what he said but-

“And?” I don’t want him to know that I care. I do, of course, I do. But Nick could tell Winston and I don’t want Winston to feel obligated to come back when he finds out that I still care about him. 

Nick sighs. “Winston, he… Did Anders ever tell you?

“Tell me what?” I ask and my hands turn clammy at the thought that my agent is keeping things from me again. I thought we already went through this.

Nick runs his hands through his hair like he doesn’t even know where to begin. I don’t like this, I don’t like not knowing where he’s going with this.

“You should really talk to Winston,” he says and I scoff. As if Winston would want to talk to me. He’s made that clear. Moving away, completely erasing himself from social media, ignoring Anders’ calls… Winston doesn’t want to talk to me.

“I don’t see the point,” I say and I try to think of what to say next. I wonder how much Nick knows about me and Winston. How much did Winston tell him?

Fortunately, Nick decides to speak. “You know he was a mess after you ODed,” Nick tells me and his face turns serious and he waits for my reaction. I look away and I try to seem neutral. 

“I had to clean up that mess,” Nick continues and I try to think about anything, anything but Winston being a mess over… me. I didn’t want to hurt him. “I think he still misses you.”

My heart skips a beat and I have to swallow several times to calm myself down and remind myself to breathe. Still? Could Winston miss me like I miss him? No. This isn’t good for us. I always mess us up. Yes, of course, I fucking miss him but I also… I also care about him enough to know that it wouldn’t do either of us any good for me to force my way back into his life.

I shrug. “He needs to get over it.” I pause and I sigh. “I have.” Lies lies lies and more lies. I just can’t seem to be able to stop lying, when will I fucking tell someone the truth? I would if I had someone that I could trust. Joe is… Not Leo. Leo I could trust with this. I feel completely alone like this.

Nick stares at me and then shakes his head like he can’t believe that I’m really doing this. Then he stops as his eyes focus on something behind me. “Is that why you’re writing letters to him?” he asks and he makes eye contact with me. “I saw the letter.” I feel like an idiot, I left the letter in the hallway. I was going to burn it when I got home but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t.

“How the fuck did you get my address anyway?” I ask him and I stand up from the couch. I grab Nick’s arm and I pull him up too. “Get out of here kid.”

I start dragging him to the door and he grunts and complains and tries to shrug me off. I just tighten my grasp. “Joe told me, okay? Joe said-”

“I don’t care,” I cut him off. Now it looks like Joey and I will have to have a talk about privacy and why giving out your friend’s address to random dickheads is not a good idea.

I open the door and then both of us stare the letter laying on the side table.

“Don’t even fucking think about it,” I say and I push him out of the door. Once he's in the corridor, I slam the door shut and I go back in the living room to figure out what to do. Fuck. He’s definitely going to tell Winston and I’m going to look even more pathetic. 

About thirty seconds pass and then I hear the front door open and slam shut again two seconds after.

“Son of a…” I run back into the hallway and sure enough, the letter is gone. I run out of my apartment just in time to see Nick disappear as the elevator door closes. “Fucking thieving bastard!”

But what’s done is done. I can’t do anything about it. Except maybe strangle Nick.

***

I argued with Joe and I can’t sleep. I’ve tried getting in touch with Nick to find out what the fucker did but he’s not answering. Fuck him. Joe feels guilty, like it’s his fault even though I didn’t tell him the full story. But Nick won’t answer his calls either and I don’t want to tell Anders what happened. Anders could track the kid down in ten minutes but then it might be too late and he’d tell me off for lying to him and continuing to write those letters.

I try to remember what I put in that wretched thing. How badly did I embarrass myself? Fuck, I can just imagine Winston laughing and showing that letter around, telling people how Monty de la Cruz is a fucking psycho obsessing over him. What was I thinking writing that letter?

And yet I still haven’t learned my lesson. I can’t sleep because it’s me and just me. No one else to talk to so I talk in my head and that’s what’s keeping me awake.

I said that I would talk to Leo about it if I could. So I take my notepad out and I turn to a clean page.

_ I haven’t spoken to you in a while and it’s fucking me up. I always complained about you talking too much, I don’t think I ever realised that I did way more talking than you did. All those nights I kept you awake and all those nights you stayed up just to give me advice. All I needed was someone to listen to me and you were amazing at that. I really didn’t deserve a friend like you. _

_ Joey is nowhere near close to replacing you. Not just at being my friend but also at soccer. Playing with him is nothing compared to what it was like just having you next to me on the pitch.  _

_ I guess I’ll just get to the point. Let’s pretend you’ll read this, let’s pretend you’re right here with me, hearing everything I’m rambling on about in this notepad from Walmart. Funny, Joey can’t replace you but a notepad from Walmart can. _

_ Anyway. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need you right now. I’m confused, very confused.  _

_ I know I said that I would stay away from Winston but I just can’t. I miss him man, like I’ve never missed anyone before. _

_ Do you think maybe I loved him? Like a friend obviously, like I loved you. _

_ In a way, I’m glad that Nick took that letter. Getting in touch with Winston is something I’ve thought about doing a lot but I just didn’t have the courage to do it. Nick did me a favour and the only time I’ll admit it is while I’m writing this letter to a dead man that proves to be more help than fucking Joey. _

_ I really miss you man, I know you’d be able to help if you were here.  _

I pause and I tear the page out of the notebook. I never reread my letters, it’s too fucking awkward and makes me feel weak as shit. It’s better to pretend that it’s someone else writing those letters. I’m about to fold the letter up when I pause and I lick my dry lips. I bring the pen back down to the bottom of the paper where there’s only one free line left.

_ Maybe I loved him more than a friend. _

And then I burn the letter in the bathroom.

***

I look at the words on the paper. One word actually. Goodbye. No long paragraphs, no rants about my day, not even one ‘i miss you’. Just goodbye. 

I never thought it would come to this but… One week passed. And then another. And either Nick got hit by a bus on the way to Winston’s house or he simply doesn’t care. 

As much as I hate the fact that he probably read the letter, I thought maybe it would change something. Maybe he’d see that I actually did change. 

I’m ready to let him go. I’m not only holding myself back, I’m holding him back too and he doesn't deserve to be dragged into this mess that I call my life again.

I pick the lighter up and I hold the piece of paper above my sink to make sure nothing catches on fire.

2:42 am

And I just can’t stop thinking about him. It’s silly to think that burning one piece of paper will mean anything, but it’s a start. He obviously got the letter, but maybe he didn’t read it. I can imagine it, Nick telling him that it’s a letter from me and then Winston grabs it and throws it into the fireplace without hesitation. At least he doesn’t know how badly I embarrassed myself in that letter.

Slowly, the paper catches on fire and I hold it in between my fingers until the flame starts to lick at the corner of the paper... Then I drop it in the sink and that’s it. That’s the goodbye that we get. Not even a mutual one, just me burning paper in my kitchen sink. Pathetic.

The only reason why I couldn’t let him go is because we never… We never said goodbye. Now we have. It’s time to move on.

***

And another week passes and I’ve completely lost any hope I had. I said goodbye and yet I was still waiting for an unexpected knock on my door in the middle of the night. I decided that it was enough, I was stressing too much. Six months. Half a year has passed and I’m still obsessing over him, replaying every conversation I ever had with him in my head. I need to let him go for good.

So guess what day it is. 

I step out of the shower and I immediately reach over to pick up the tiny box. My hands are shaking, I’ve never been this fucking nervous in my entire life. I’m actually gonna propose to her. And then my checklist is done. I’ve done everything to ensure that I’m living the most perfect lie.

Anders had his doubts. No, actually Anders was fucking furious with me when I told him that I was gonna propose to Leeya. He called me all the names under the sun and he said that I obviously wasn’t mentally stable still. Guess who’s not invited to the wedding.

Joe was almost just as bad, said I was out of my mind and that it was too soon. “You’re rushing into things,” he said but when I asked him to help me pick out the ring, he helped out. I kinda wish Holden was around to help instead.

But whatever. I’ll do with what I have. 

Leeya is supposed to be here any minute and I still have to get dressed and then I’m taking her out to dinner. I couldn’t risk leaving the ring anywhere so I took it with me to the shower. 

I go to my room and my hands still won’t stop shaking. It’s just the nerves. I need to take a deep breath (and maybe a few drinks) and then just get on with it. 

I try to take a sip of whiskey but the smell makes me nauseous and I end up puking in the bathroom. I’m starting to feel like a girl, getting all stressed about something as little as this. It’s just a stepping block, a stage in life. 

I wash my face in the sink and then I hear the dreadful knock on the door. My stomach immediately twists again. 

“Fuck,” I whisper. I’m not even dressed yet and I quickly stuff the box into my trouser pocket. The knocking continues. “I’ll be there in a minute baby!” I locked the door so she couldn’t just burst in, I feel like she’d be able to work my plans out from the mess I made in my apartment by getting ready.

The knocking stops. I take one last look in the mirror and then I walk through the mess I left in the living room and I head for the door. Hopefully, Leeya won’t mind waiting a little bit longer, I still need to get dressed as I’m only wearing my trousers and my white shirt is unbuttoned. Formal clothing… Hate it.

“He-” I say as I open the door and then I stop abruptly, the words get lost somewhere along the way. I even stop breathing as Winston stands in my doorway. I think I’m gonna be sick again.

I hold the door halfway open and Winston blinks. His teeth sink into his bottom lip and my heart skips a beat. He’s… I don’t know what to think. I  _ can’t _ think. My brain is all Winston Winston Winston. Am I dreaming? But then he clears his throat.

"Two s’s," he tells me and I just stare at him. "You spell unnecessary with two s's."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont know when ill update again but thank you for reading :)


	15. Dear Winston

**Chapter Fifteen**

Winston is now sitting on the couch, looking around at the mess that I made. It was awkward, inviting him inside, telling him that I need to call my plans off and then walking into the kitchen to call Leeya.

I gave her some lame excuse about needing some time alone after all tonight and she was disappointed but she was also okay with it, she just worries.

Winston is much taller than me, I didn’t notice the night of Nick’s party because I was busy running away. I hope Nick didn’t tell him that he invited me that night.

Winston pushes some hair away from his face and he still hasn’t noticed me coming out of the kitchen. I clear my throat and he immediately turns to me.

“All good?” he asks and he glances at the phone in my hands. I nod. 

I quickly walk over to the armchair and I sit opposite him before putting the phone down on the table. How do I even start a conversation? We haven’t even spoken in six months, I have no idea what the fuck I can say.

“Uhh… I didn’t think… I wasn’t expecting you,” I say and I scratch the back of my neck awkwardly. Yeah, I was getting ready to propose to my almost girlfriend. The last thing I expected was for him to show up at my door.

Winston smiles sadly and he looks around, he still won’t look at me. “Yeah… Sorry. I just… I didn’t open the letter until a few hours ago.” I immediately feel boiling hot with embarrassment when he mentions the letter. He fucking read it and suddenly I feel like he’s been inside my head.

“Oh. That,” I say casually so he can’t see how much it bothers me that he’s read that letter. But he wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t. “Why did it take you so long?”

Then he blushes and he won’t stop messing around with his hair, he twists strands of it around his fingers and he brushes it away and then hides his face with it again. Repeat.

“I, um, I didn’t… I guess I was scared,” he says quietly and my heart does that weird thing again where I stop breathing for a second.

“Scared?” I repeat and Winston nods slowly but he keeps his eyes focused on the floor. “Why?”

He shrugs and then he sits up and looks to the side. “I don’t know… I guess I just thought that you hated me or something.”

Hated him? I could never hate him, he was- _ is  _ the only person I’ve ever… Not hated. I was the one that was scared that  _ he _ hated  _ me.  _ It was all I could think about for months, the only thing that stopped me from reaching out to him. I preferred not knowing whether he hated me than talking to him and finding out the truth.

“Me too,” I say and then he finally turns to me and manages to keep eye contact for maybe two seconds before both of us look away to the side. What is wrong with me?

Winston clears his throat and he rests his hands on top of his thighs.  _ “I  _ don’t hate  _ you _ ,” he says quietly but I doubt he means it. He… I remember our conversation that night. I’ve tried to push it to the back of my mind but I’m not a robot, I can’t just delete memories that I don’t want to remember. He said he was going to leave and he did. I remember waking up to Anders watching over me. I kind of wished it was Winston instead. 

We sit in silence, neither of us knowing what to say. I’ve thought about this moment at least a million times in the past six months and now that I’m living it, I wish I was anywhere but here.

“I waited in the hospital,” Winston then says suddenly and he finally turns his head and looks me in the eye. I’m trying my best not to look away but looking at him… It’s overwhelming. 

“It’s okay if you didn’t,” I tell him softly. I don’t want him to feel guilty about leaving me. We both know I deserved it.

I don't expect people to stick around anymore. I try not to get too friendly or attached to any new people I meet. I don't want to keep losing people.

“But I did,” he says and he leans forward. He’s nowhere near close to touching me and yet I’m already starting to sweat. He stayed? Then why wasn't he there when I woke up? He sees that I'm frowning and he presses his lips together.

"I  _ tried _ to stay. The minute I found out… it was just me and Anders in that hospital," he tells me and now I'm even more confused. Why did Anders never breathe a word about this? "Anders didn't want anyone to be there, said it was gonna be overwhelming for you when you woke up. But Holden couldn't stick around, couldn't handle it and Joe was… freaking out and then Leeya was like on the other side of the country…"

He pauses to take a deep breath. I know  _ some _ of what he's telling me. I know that Holden didn't visit me in the hospital, not once. He stuck around for a bit but just for the team and as soon as Bradley said that we were dropping out as a team, Holden left. He didn't look back, didn't even check in once to see how I was doing.

Of course, Joe was a mess. He lost Leo and then Holden left and then I was doing God knows what. We're similar in a way, always losing those around us. 

But like I said, I still had no idea that Winston stuck around. I had just assumed that he found out, packed his bag and booked a first-class ticket to some remote island where he could live without the stress of having to deal with me. 

"So I stayed," Winston continues. "I was so fucking worried about you. And I thought that… maybe it was my fault?" He pauses and studies my face. I can see the concern, it's the question that's been eating away at him ever since that night. 

"It's no ones fucking fault," I say quietly. I like to deflect and I like to pin my blame onto others but… that night was purely just mine and no one else's fault. I wouldn't even say 'fault', I just wanted to get away for a little, I didn't even realise how serious the consequences could be. I didn't really want to fucking die, at least I don't  _ think _ I did. I just wanted to finally get some rest. 

Winston nods slowly and then he sighs. "Yeah, I… fuck. I couldn't sleep for months just… I always thought that maybe you blamed me for leaving you. I blamed  _ myself _ for leaving you," he says sadly and he starts to tap his finger against my couch anxiously. I don't know why, but I never thought that he could feel that way. I thought he was glad to get rid of me, happy to just pack his bags and never look back. My heart aches thinking about the fact that he regretted leaving me. 

"Do you regret it? Meeting me?" I ask him and he blushes remembering that day all over again. 

He stops and then chuckles lightly. His eyes stay focused on the floor. "Would my life be easier without you in it? Yes," he says and then he pauses. I knew that I fucked everything up for him. "But… I can't imagine my life without you in it. I wouldn't… I wouldn't change anything if I could go back in time. Well… maybe except some things." He looks up and smiles at me. My head is all messed up, information just floating around and none of it making sense. 

"What things?" I ask him. I don't really know what else to say, he said that he can't imagine his life without me. And what does that mean for us? Do we… stay friends? Go back to the way we were?

Winston looks around my living room and then he rolls his shoulders back. "I'm actually kind of… tired. If you don't mind," he says and he stares at me. I don't feel like letting him leave yet. 

"Do you need a place to crash?" I ask him. It's late, he lives God knows where and he said that he's tired. I'm trying to help out. Winston nods and I immediately stand up. "I, uh… I don't know what the guest bedroom looks like so just give me a second."

That room hasn't been used in years, mostly because I never get guests. Right now, it's just where I keep any of the shit that I want out of the way. 

So I make Winston wait in the living room and I go to the guest bedroom to sort out his bed. I'm making it clear that… I don't want him sleeping in my bed. I mean. I do but I don't want to seem desperate. It's okay, I spent six months away from him, I can handle another night. 

The bed is cold and the mattress is stiff, I really feel like no one's ever slept in this bed. Maybe Leo did once when he came to me drunk. It was so long ago that I can barely remember.

I stuff all my junk into the closet and I try to make the bed as comfortable as possible. It still feels like sleeping on a slab of stone. 

When I walk back into the living room, Winston is standing by my fireplace, playing with this little snow globe that Leeya got me for Christmas. There's Mr and Mrs Claus inside with 'I love you' engraved into the pedestal of the globe. He's frowning at it, tracing the writing with his finger like he wants to make it go away. 

"The bed… you can sleep now," I say awkwardly and Winston puts the snow globe back down. It seems like suddenly seeing him again has regressed me back ten years and I no longer know how to speak English. 

"Right," he says shortly and then I gesture towards the door but I stay where I am. He's going to go into that room alone and I am going to go to my room. We'll sleep in different rooms tonight. 

Winston walks past me with a simple 'night' that I mumble back and then he's gone. I can finally breathe. But I can't sleep. When I get to bed, all I can think about are those questions that I still have for him. Why did he leave if he wanted to stay? Why did he want to stay when he should have left? I don't doubt that he's got twice as many questions for me. 

I'd sleep much better if he was next to me. Actually, I'd sleep a lot better if I didn't know that he's sleeping just a few doors down. Within my reach. A simple knock and all this could be over. But no. Leave him alone Monty.

And seeing as I can't sleep, I walk out to the balcony. I'm wearing nothing but my pyjama pants and I grasp onto the railings and I look down at the city below. Anders and Leeya actually put a lock on this door a few months ago. Leeya tried to beat around the bush when I asked, Anders was more direct. 

"Why? Maybe because I don't want your stupid ass jumping over the railing and falling fifty stories down," he said and then he took the only key and attached it to his big ring of keys. I have earned the privilege to have a balcony since then. 

I think about what it would be like to jump down as I cross my arms and I rest my chin on them. Would definitely hurt and it wouldn’t be quick. I imagine my body laying down on the concrete down below, a pool of blood surrounding it. A woman then walks past, she notices my body and she screams, reaches for her phone to dial 911…

Then I blink and the only thing laying on the pavement is an empty packet of crisps. 

I open the door back to my bedroom and a figure is sitting on my bed in the dark. My heart drops. 

"Winston... " I say quietly. Here I am, trying my best to be good and to stay away from him, but he's purposely messing me up again. I can't behave around him. Maybe I should just try harder. 

"I couldn't sleep," he tells me and he cranes his neck to watch me close the door to the balcony. "The bed… no offence but I've slept on floors more comfortable than that." It’s like the universe is trying to set us up. Everything is working out so what we can… sleep in the same room. 

He's still staring at me as I walk over to my bed and I stand at the side. When I'm alone, I usually sleep on the side that he's sitting on right now. But when I slept in his bed, I slept on the other side. 

"Can I…?" he asks and he glances towards the bed. What am I supposed to tell him? Take the couch? Maybe  _ I  _ should take the couch. But I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to. I'm sick of doing this, sick of trying to be 'good'.

"Yeah," I say and then I get into bed and I sleep on my side of the bed. I don't get under the covers, it was cold outside but I suddenly feel hot all over again. 

Winston slowly lays down and he doesn't turn away from me like I do. I turn on my side so I don’t have to see him. He's millimetres away from touching my back. 

"You're freezing," he says and he puts a hand on my arm. He's right, his hands are so warm compared to my icy skin. I shiver at the touch and Winston moves closer to me. My heart starts to pound as I feel his chest touching my back. He's definitely warm. 

We stay like that for a minute, laying in the dark and in silence. Neither of us actually tries to sleep. Then Winston clears his throat.

"Are you still… with Leeya?" he asks. 

"It's… complicated.” I’m supposed to be with her right now. We’re friends but we’re also close to being together, it’s difficult to explain.

"Can't be that complicated if you're sure you want to marry her.” he scoffs and he nods to the bedside table when I left the box with the ring. How much of an idiot-

“It’s complicated,” I say again and I’m pissed off at myself because he saw the ring. This is what he comes back to. “I’m not.... I don’t think relationships are good for me at the moment,” I say and I’m not sure whether I’m talking about Leeya or him. He might be here but that doesn’t mean that we pick up from where we left off.

Surprisingly Winston seems to understand. He nods. “Right. Anders told me that you were making progress but… Obviously you’re not where you want to be yet.”

What the  _ fuck? _ He spoke to Anders? Anders? Why the fuck don’t I know about any of this? I’m so fucking confused.

“No.” I push him away from me and then I sit up. “No, you-we’re not doing that,” I say and I move away from him. He’s still staring at me and I sigh and I put my head in my hands. “You don’t get to come back and-and confuse me all over again.” Confusing is what he is. I can’t go on with only knowing bits and pieces of the story. And Anders better be ready to explain himself tomorrow too.

Winston sits up as well and he sits down next to me with both our backs touching the headboard. “Do you want me to leave?”

I can’t believe him sometimes. “No, I don’t want you to fucking leave. Never did,” I say and then I turn away from him and I sigh. I better get to the point before one of us messes up again. “Just tell me what happened. I can’t-I need to know. What happened?”

I’m not looking at him but I can feel the mattress move as he shifts awkwardly. “What happened… that day?”

“Yes,” I say quietly and then I decide to stop beating around the bush. “You got a glimpse inside my head, I think I deserve to know at least a bit of what’s going on in yours.” Deserve? That’s a reach, I don’t deserve anything after what I did to him. But then he sighs and hangs his head and I know he's ready to give in. "Why didn't you stay?"

Maybe because I treated him like shit, basically told him to die and then I acted like I was the innocent one. 

"I couldn't," Winston answers. "Leeya finally came by, started screaming at me saying that it was all my fault and that I should leave. Anders tried to calm her down but… Then Joe finally arrived too and he calmed Leeya down a bit before starting to scream at me himself."

Of course, Joe's dramatic ass had to ruin everything for me. If only those two idiots kept their mouth shut, everything could have been different. But Winston isn't done yet.

"They-they said that I shouldn't even be there, that I had no right," he says and he scoffs like he's only just realizing how ridiculous that sounds. He sighs and he looks down at the bed. "They kept on saying how you wouldn't even want me there until I finally believed it… then Joe gave me a black eye-"

"He did what?" I had to interrupt. Why didn't I know about any of this? Why didn't anyone say a word? I’m always left in the dark. I know one thing, I'm gonna kill Joe when I see him. 

"Yeah… don't worry, all healed up now," Winston says and he turns his head to the side to show me that there's no mark left. I scoff and let him continue. "Anders said it would be best for everyone if maybe I just left. He said that he'd let me know when you were awake."

So maybe it was Anders' fault too, did he not update Winston? 

"But by the time you woke up, I already convinced myself that… that it was my fault. I mean, just remembering all those things I said to you and I just… I was too embarrassed to see you. I was sure that you hated me." he rambles on and he tugs at his hair. I think about reaching over, brushing some hair out of his face so I can see him better but me touching him is out of the question. 

"I kinda… moved away from everything. Wanted some alone time but Anders texted me with updates regularly so I knew that you were okay. I never replied though, wanted to make him believe that he got the wrong number but-"

"Anders isn't stupid. Got it." I say with a small nod. My agent probably didn't want to get my hopes up, saying that Winston knew how I was doing.

We sit in silence for a good few minutes as Winston lets me absorb all this information. I don't even know how to respond to all of this though, I would just fall asleep if I could. But what if I wake up and Winston is gone? 

I turn my head and stare at him. He's looking at me too, like he's trying to work out what I'm thinking about. Him. I'm always thinking about him. 

"Can I say that I missed you or does that fuck things up even more for you?" he asks and I almost laugh at how cautious he's being about all this. 

It does fuck things up for me. Big time. But I just want to hear him say it. "It's nothing therapy won't fix," I say and Winston laughs even though it's not funny. 

He stays where he is and I stay where I am. Then he tries to smile at me. "I missed you," he says quietly and then he moves closer to me and puts his head on my shoulder. His thick hair tickles my face and touches my lips, gets all over the place actually but I don't mind because I missed him too. 

His hair smells nice, feels nice and his head being on my shoulder is the most amazing feeling in the world. I want to get lost in it but the box with the ring is still on my nightstand and I can't pretend that it's not there. 

"What do we do now?" I ask him quietly. It's like I want him to tell me not to marry Leeya. 

He snuggles up closer to me and then he closes his eyes. "Right now… I think we should sleep because we're both exhausted after today."

Sleeping in the same bed. We've never done that before but okay, it could be nice. I gently move my shoulder to get him off of me but the second that we're both laying down, I put my arm around his shoulders and I hold him close. He doesn't say anything, he just lets me squeeze him so tight that I almost crush him. 

"You're actually here," I say and Winston laughs softly. Skin bones hair and all, it's him. I'm not imagining it.

"I'm here," he confirms and I notice that he's smiling as he nuzzles into my chest. I like this, I really like this. I should just pick that box up and give the ring to him because anything I've ever done with Leeya wouldn't be able to compete with Winston just being in my breathing space. 

I want to apologize for the billion things I did wrong, I want to tell him every single thought I've had about him since he left but I don't want to ruin the silence. The silence is nice because it's just me and him. 

And if I close my eyes, it's easy to pretend that it  _ is _ just me and him. Him, falling asleep on my chest and me pressing my lips into his hair, it feels right. It should just be me and him. 

***

I get a scare when I wake up and I don't feel the heavy weight of his head on my chest. "Winston?" I call out sleepily but I get no reply. Fuck, this is what I was fucking scared of. 

I get out of bed and I look in my bathroom, the balcony and then I run out into the living room. Winston is there but he's putting his jacket on. 

"You're leaving?" I ask and he jumps at the sound of my voice. It's just seven in the morning, he should still be in bed with me. We haven't even talked about half the things we need to talk about.

He looks guilty. Why does he look guilty? He nods slowly. "I have a… work thing," he says and he starts to button up his jacket. 

"A work thing?" I don't want to call him a liar but he's not telling me the truth. He nods again, this time more eagerly and I cross my arms over my chest. "Do you regret coming here?"

His head immediately snaps towards me. "No. No, of course not," he says. Then why don't I believe him? Why is he so eager to get out of here? I look down at the ground, I should have known this was going to happen.

"Monty… I'm late for a photo shoot and my manager is going to kill me," he explains and this time I start to believe him. I haven't been in his life for the past six months so I don't know what it's like and how it works. 

"Right," I say and he pats his pockets for a last-minute check. I offer to walk him out because I have nothing else to say. But I'm still scared, this feels weird. Very weird. 

I feel like this is some sort of goodbye until Winston stops by the door and he sighs. "If you ever feel like writing me a letter again..." he says and I don't know whether I should kill Nick or myself. Won't be mentioning that in my therapy session with Ellman.

"You might get a better shot at getting a reply if you actually send it." Winston finishes and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a slightly crumpled piece of paper with his address on it. So it looks like he was prepared to offer to have us stay in touch with each other, it isn't so bad after all. 

"You know I meant to burn that thing," I mumble and I cautiously take the piece of paper out of his hand. He never should have seen that letter, he wasn't even supposed to know about its existence.

"I know," he answers with a shrug. "But I'm glad you didn't." I'm not gonna say me too but… Me too. 

Winston isn’t done. He stops and he crosses his arms over his chest. “Do you love her? Leeya.” Do I love Leeya? She’s been there for me when no one else has, she’s stood by me through anything and everything. Even when she pissed me off, she was doing everything out of love.

I nod and Winston looks away immediately. “But I’m not gonna propose to her,” I add and his eyes lock with mine for a second. That’s what he wanted to hear and I like to think that it means that he hasn’t given up on us yet. Even though he should have.

***

"So what went wrong?" Joe asks me the second he sees me in the locker room. "Why didn't you propose to her?" I stare at him. I just fucking walked in, haven’t even set my bag down and he’s already all up in my business.

“How do you know I didn’t propose?” I ask him and he shrugs.

“You don’t look like an engaged man,” he jokes and then he sighs. “I just thought you’d call me after you proposed to tell me how it went.”

“Right,” I say and then I set my bag down on the bench. “No, I didn’t propose. Maybe you were right, it’s too soon.”

So I have to listen to Joe telling me that he thinks I did the right thing, that it’s better to wait and all I’m thinking about is punching him for being part of the reason that Winston left me alone at the hospital. I don’t want Joe knowing about Winston being back though, feel like he’d blab to Leeya straight away.

Fortunately, Joe is too busy asking about my failed proposal to even consider asking why I was late for training. Why? I had to go talk to Anders the son of a bitch, I understand why he didn’t tell me but he should have. He said he was going to tell me when he thought I was ready to know. Yeah, when Winston moved on with some other guy not worth his time.

“Holden messaged me last night,” Joe then says out of nowhere and my eyes snap towards him.

“Huh?” Joe’s tying his laces, he said it so quietly that I’m pretty sure I imagined it. I haven’t heard that name in a very long time and I hope to never hear it again.

Joe looks up then and his lips are set in a straight line. “Yeah. Just.. was curious. About you.”

“ _ What _ about me?” I press him. First the dickhead decided to leave us and the team and now he’s asking around about me? He might as well be dead for all I care, going to all those parties and making all those friends.

“You know,” Joe says with a shrug and then Bradley tells us to get a move on, that this isn’t high school PE and we were supposed to be outside a long time ago blah blah blah. So we walk outside in silence and Joe keeps glancing at me.

‘You know’. Aka the correct way to refer to my overdose because god forbid they actually use that word, wouldn’t want me to have a breakdown in the middle of the pitch. I don’t get why they treat me like such a child. 

“I hope you told him to fuck off,” I say and then I run over to join the warm up. Joe nods but he won’t look me in the eye. Whatever. 

“Monty?” he then says and I turn to him again. What is it this time? “If Holden texts you or anything-”

“I’ll ignore him. You don’t have to worry about me,” I sigh and then Joe finally relaxes and stops mentioning that name.

Training goes by fairly quickly and all that running and kicking and I quickly let my frustration out on the ball instead of Holden.

Bradley lets me and Joe sit out the last twenty minutes while the youngsters get a chance to shoot penalties. Joe goes in to shower straight away but I stay and watch. 

They’re all so… young. I don’t think I was ever like them, so wide-eyed and terrified.

_ ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ _ I hear Leo laugh in my head.  _ ‘You almost pissed your pants the first day when I came over to talk to you.’ _

I roll my eyes even though the voice is just in my head. I’m glad that Leo picked me on that first day, I don’t think I’d be where I am if it wasn’t for him.

And I really wish he was here with me. I have so much I need to tell him because I just can’t lay that sort of stuff on Joe. He’s gotten better at keeping his mouth shut and not acting like such a celebrity but… He’s not Leo.

If Leo was here, I’d tell him all about Winston. Every single detail, how my heart skips a beat every time I think of him or hear his name, how he never leaves my head and how I wish everything could finally be better. For us to finally be able to be together. Not like a dating sort of together. I don’t want to date him but… Kind of do. Not in a gay way.

_ ‘How do you date a guy not in a gay way? _ ’ Leo’s voice rings in my head and I wish I could make the voice shut up but I can’t, I could never make Leo shut up either. 

“Dead people don’t get to have an opinion on this,” I mutter to myself and I can  _ hear _ Leo laughing at me, pushing my shoulder with his and telling me that that mouth’s gonna get me in trouble one of these days. It really is, already has actually. 

I know he’s not actually here, but it makes me feel better to pretend that he is as I tell him about Winston. Not out loud of course, I’m not dumb, I don’t want Bradley sending me off to a psych ward. 

Winston told me to write to him but… Would it be too soon if I sent a letter today? I find Bradley’s playbook and I rip a page out of the back. It’s a plain piece of paper with an image of the pitch printed out on it for him to do his planning on. But the back of it is clean and I start writing after also stealing a pen for him.

_ To Winston, _

_ I’m gonna warn you straight away, there’s gonna be a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes in here so you might wanna look away or at least squint until that a looks like an e, I never knew how to spell ‘independent’... _


	16. Hotel Nights

**Chapter Sixteen**

Reading his letters is my favourite part of the day. I get one almost every single day, he always sends them so I can get them as soon as possible and I do the same. 

At first, I thought it was kinda stupid, we could just text instead but Winston explained that he doesn’t really use his phone that much, he only has his agent’s number and Anders’ of course. 

Now it’s kinda fun, writing pages and pages to him and getting the same back until I feel like I’m there with him. He’s got a very busy schedule so even after two weeks of writing, we haven’t decided on a date to meet yet. 

“What are you grinning about?” I hadn’t even noticed that Anders came back into his office. “You just got your ass beat by Colorado last night and you’re not even mad,” he says and he sits down opposite me.

I shrug and quickly put the letter away. Yes, Colorado basically ran us to the ground with the score of 3-1 (yes the goal was scored by yours truly) but who gives a shit anymore. No one is expecting miracles from us this season, not after the shit show we went through last year. 

"Any news about a sponsor?" I ask him, hoping to divert the conversation as far away from Winston as I can. Instead of shrugging uncomfortably like he always does, he actually smiles at me and raises his eyebrows.

"Maybe. It's still in progress so I'm not going to say anything," Anders says and for once I'm not going to pressure him. He sorts some papers out on his desk, moves them away from my reach and then he looks up at me again. "So what did Winston say in his letter?"

I knew that he saw. But he's such a nosey little bastard, as if I'd tell him anything. He never even told me that he was still talking to Winston and I'm still pissed about that. 

"That I should fire you," I say and I roll my eyes. I don't think firing Anders would ever be possible, he's like family now. It would be weird without him around.

Anders grins at me but he doesn't push me to find out what's on the letter. "You might wanna reconsider firing me after I tell you this," he says and he leans over the desk. He holds up a letter but even though I squint, it's hard to read. 

"Remember how you were gonna spend the weekend doing the promo bullshit?" Anders asks and I nod uncertainly. Fuck, not the promo. I've been dreading it all week. "I moved it to next week so you have the weekend off."

Suspicious. Anders getting me this weekend off for absolutely no reason and I didn't even ask him to? "Okay, what's the catch?" I ask him and he raises his eyebrows.

"There is no catch," he says but I know better. There must be a catch somewhere, he's planning something. I know it. 

I shift in my chair and Anders sighs. "Let me break it down for you. You have two days for yourself and Leeya is gonna be out of town for the photography thing. Isn't this something you might wanna include in your next letter to Winston?"

Oh. I see. Anders thinks he's being helpful but… I don't know if this is a good idea. I'm nervous to see him. I've never been this nervous around anyone but I've never wanted to see anyone more.

"Um. Yeah. We'll see," I say and I stand up before Anders can stop me. Except that Anders can always stop me. He leans over the desk and grabs my arm so I can’t walk away from him. Jesus, it’s not that serious.

“Monty. Don’t you dare mess this up. Not this time,” he says and I roll my eyes and pull away from him. I haven’t spent so fucking long in therapy just to go back to fucking everything up. I don’t need Anders to tell me what to do.

“I got it, okay? Stop worrying,” I tell him and I make sure that my letter is still in my pocket. I learned to keep them on me now. I’m never leaving them anywhere again after that fiasco with Nick. “I won’t mess it up,” I add quietly and I look down at my shoes. I’m tired of pretending.

***

It would be much easier if I could just text him but I sent the letter on Wednesday and I didn’t get a reply until Friday morning. I was starting to freak out when I didn’t get a letter from him on Thursday but here it Is. 

I trace over the letters, my name and address written in his handwriting and I open the envelope with a knife making sure not to tear it. I’m already expecting the worst, him telling me that he’s busy and he can’t go, maybe another time. I made it clear that it was just a suggestion and I hadn’t planned anything concrete yet. Then why was I already making Anders look for hotel reservations? Whatever.

I haven’t even had breakfast, the first thing I did when I woke up was check for mail. I’m not gonna postpone any longer.

_ To Monty, _

_ Hey, are you serious? I’d love to hang out! Though I’m going to leave all the planning to you, I think it’s only fair since I basically planned our day out at the beach that one time. It’s time for you to return the favour :) _

He goes on to tell me a little about how he needs a break because it’s been chaotic at work and he can’t even remember the last time he slept. I never thought it would be that much work to pose and take some pictures. 

The letter is shorter than usual but I don’t really mind because the last sentence makes up for all of it.

_ Sorry if my handwriting is wobbly, I’m writing this on the train back home and it’s really dark and I can’t see much. I just really wanted to give you an answer before you started freaking out or something haha.  _

_ I’m really looking forward to seeing you though. I miss you. _

_ Winston xx _

I miss you. He said that he misses me. Winston misses me. Me, Montgomery de la Cruz. I think I’ll frame this and hang it on my wall.

Yeah, right. And then Leeya would start asking questions. Although she hasn’t been around that much anymore. Was I really going to propose to her? We barely text anymore. I hope she found someone and I can forget about her without feeling guilty.

Those two x’s by his name, are those meant to be… kisses? Ew, I thought only girls did that shit. Winston xx. Hmm. 

I realise that I have training in an hour and I haven't even showered. Bradley is gonna kill me if I show up late again. Last time it was because I kept rereading Winston's letter and I lost track of time. I can't do it again or he'll bench me. He said he will and I doubt it but I prefer not to see for myself. 

After showering, with my hair dripping wet and leaving droplets all over the floor, I run to the kitchen to get something to eat. My phone is still on the counter where I left it and I notice that it's flashing. It better not be Anders again. 

I'm thinking that maybe it's Leeya, checking up on me because we haven't spoken in so long, but it's not her. I've got about a million text messages from Joe asking me if I have time to meet him before training. Then he's asking if he can pick me up and talk on the way and just as I'm scrolling and reading the messages, he tells me that he's gonna be at my apartment soon.

I'm worried because Joe sounds like a mess. He has been a little out of it lately, coming to training with dark circles under his eyes and with messy hair. It might not sound like a lot, but Joe usually looks perfect. He needs to, it's like he wants everyone to know how perfect he is so for him to look like that… I hope he's doing okay. I don't wanna lose my last friend.

So I get changed in a matter of minutes and then I hear the rapid knock on my door. I think it's the caffeine getting to him, he needs to cut down on it and get some proper rest. 

"Hey," I say quietly because when I open the door, he's grimacing and he's rubbing at his temples. "Hangover?"

"Feel like I'm dying," he mutters and he pushes past me to get inside. He immediately heads for the kitchen and I have to follow him to make sure he doesn't touch anything he shouldn't. 

He looks through my cupboards and pots like he's never been here before, he's been here plenty of times so what is he doing? "Coffee?"

"Left drawer," I tell him and I eye him up and down suspiciously. What the hell is going on with him? I've never seen him look this shaken up before. 

He opens the drawer, takes one long look at the coffee bag and then he shuts it with a loud bang. "Fuck!" he swears and then he starts abusing my counter my slamming his open hands against it. 

"Hey!" I shout and he immediately turns to look at me. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I've kinda been looking for an excuse to start on him for the Winston thing but I also need to remember that Joe's my friend and he's been there for me all this time. Even if he's half the reason why Winston left in the first place.

"I don't know man," Joe says quietly and he hangs his head. "I don't know... " And then he slowly slides down until he's sat on the floor and I don't know what I'm meant to do. I glance at the clock and we still have about ten minutes until we really need to get going or we'll be late. 

"Joey... "

I don't need to say anything else, as soon as I walk over to him and crouch down beside him, he tells me everything. "I thought I liked this girl but I don't know anymore," he tells me and I roll my eyes. 

"What's new?" He has a new girlfriend every week. Well maybe not this week, he's been too distracted to even think about girls. He always sees one somewhere, thinks she's the most beautiful girl in the world and then he gets bored of them after a week. Why is he acting like this is something new? 

"No, you don't understand," he groans and he looks to the side. Hair falls over his face covering it completely and I notice that he starts to play with his sleeve. 

"Then make me understand," I say and I sit down opposite him. It's the type of bullshit Leo would say if I was acting up like Joe. Leo's not here so we're just gonna have to improvise. 

Joe scoffs. "I can't," he says and he gulps. Honestly, I've seen him do things that should have probably made me hate him but I'm still around. We need each other and nothing he does is gonna make me see him differently.

"You can tell me," I say and I touch his knee lightly. It's like therapy has made me soft or something. 

Joe takes a deep breath. "I can't break things off with her. But I want to. It's getting too serious and I… I'm not ready for that," he tells me and then he sighs. "What do I do?" 

The answer seems simple to me and it looks like he's just over-analyzing this bullshit. "Just dump her. You've done it before to about a million girls," I remind him. "You don't want her getting attached, let her go. She's not your problem anymore." It's as simple as that, it should be. It is. 

After a brief pause, Joe smiles at me and nods. "Thanks, man," he says and then he quickly looks away and laughs to himself. "Not my problem."

Not his. 

***

Coming up with a- what is this? Are we just hanging out as friends? Anyway. Coming up with plans that will beat that day at the beach is hard. I'm actually considering just reconstructing that day at the beach except that this time, hopefully, the night will end differently.

I almost called Nick for help. Almost. But I'm not gonna give him the satisfaction of thinking he did the right thing by sending that letter to Winston. He didn't, he shouldn't have been touching my stuff. With that being said, I'm glad he did it because I didn't have the balls to reach out to him myself. 

I sent one last letter to Winston, telling him that it's a 'surprise' but he should meet me at the train station. In reality, I still have no idea what we're gonna be doing all weekend. 

I'm starting to worry now. What if a weekend is too long and it turns awkward? What if he makes an excuse just to cut it short and then I look like a fool? Fuck why did I let Anders talk me into doing this? 

I can't believe I'm fucking seeing him tomorrow. Probably why I can't sleep. A whole weekend with him and then one day off and back to soccer. I have no idea when I'll see him again. 

Should I just wing all of it? I should just bring my card and buy the tickets at the train station and the hotel when we get there. No, I want to plan it and make sure I don't fuck it up. 

I think we'll stay in LA. Maybe. Fuck, this is so confusing. Okay, Monty. Think. Use your brain for once. Where would Winston like to-

Got it. Got it. Fucking got it. Oh baby, you're gonna be so impressed with me. I can't wait. 

***

First, it was the taxi that was late and then I fell asleep in the back of it as he drove me to the train station. I didn't get much sleep last night because I couldn't turn my brain off, all I could think about was him and the fact that we'd have a whole two days to ourselves.

A lot can happen in two days. 

That stupid bastard brought his phone but he doesn't have my phone number so I can't text him. In conclusion, I'm blindly stumbling around the train station with a heavy ass backpack on my back and hoping that I'll just bump into him. I'm just a bit late. Just ten minutes or so. Maybe twenty if we're counting every minute. But he wouldn't leave. He wouldn't leave me, okay? Not unless he had to. 

I'm standing at the side, staring at the tickets I bought us last night when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I immediately whip around thinking it's some crazy fan again but let's be honest, I don't have many of those these days. 

"Hey stranger," Winston says and he's grinning at me. He's nervous though and he's trying to hide it. He doesn’t ask why I’m late.

"Hey," I say and I clear my throat because my voice sounds wobbly. He looks good. It's may and he looks good with his black knee-length shorts and the floral shirt. 

"I like the flannel," he says and he tilts his head to the side. It's weird having to look up to be able to see his face. He needs to stop growing or I'll have to wear high heels to look him in the eye. 

I'm wearing an old flannel, I haven't worn flannels in so long because Leeya said they make me look ratty and poor. And now I'm wearing one with the sleeves rolled up because it's too warm.

"Thanks," I say and then I let my eyes shamelessly roam all over his body. "I like the… everything."

Too obvious. Way too obvious but he likes it. He raises his eyebrows at me and smiles even though his cheeks turn pink. "Are those our tickets?" He glances at the tickets in my hand and I quickly hide them behind my back. He wouldn't even be able to work out where we're going from looking at them but whatever. 

"Stand C," I tell him and I start walking away. He follows me and we walk side by side, neither of us saying anything.

I feel like talking to him but I have no idea what to say. I almost tell him that I haven't spoken to Leeya in about a week but then I decide against it. I don't wanna talk or think about Leeya right now. 

"Wow, therapy really changed you," Winston says and he chuckles once we sit down close to the stand and wait for the train to arrive. It's not that busy at this stand but it's not empty either. No businessmen or rich snobs, just teens, couples and families of four. 

"Huh?" I say and I look at Winston just as he places his backpack down on the floor. Yeah, therapy did kinda… change me. Not really? It just helped me get over some shit. 

"I mean, Montgomery de la Cruz on public transport? By his own free will?" Winston jokes and I can't help but grin. I remember the last time when he made me go on that crowded bus, I never wanna do that again. 

"At least it's not a bus," I say and I nudge his leg with mine which only makes him laugh. 

He says he packed light, just clothes and toiletries so then he stands up and leaves to get some food for the journey. He comes back with food for both of us even though I didn't ask for anything.

"Come on, I don't want you starving," he says and he puts the sandwiches and the chocolate bar and the crisps into my backpack before I can even react. "You'll need your strength today, don't think we're gonna be stopping for one second."

It's his first weekend off in God knows how long and he wants to spend every second of it with me. It's kind of cute. He must have really missed me. 

"Not one second?" I ask him and he grins. 

"Not one second." 

The train arrives shortly after so Winston throws his backpack over one shoulder and stops before we get on the train. "Just the two of us?" he asks and he looks me up and down. I know what he's asking, it's about Leeya again. I could just as easily ask him about Mr Projectile Vomit but I choose not to. I don’t think he knows about my presence at Nick’s birthday party.

"Just us," I say. 

We sit opposite each other on the train, our bags by our sides and the minute I lean back, I feel like falling asleep. 

"Rough night?" Winston asks and I notice that he doesn't look so great either when he leans back. I chuckle quietly and nod. 

“Yeah… Couldn’t sleep,” I admit and then I close my eyes so I don’t have to look at him. The way he looks at me always fucks me up, makes me forget how to breath. “What’s your excuse?”

I hear him move around but I still don’t open my eyes. “Got in late, couldn’t sleep after,” he says simply. He would probably be sleeping it off all weekend if I hadn’t made plans with him. I hope I’m not messing up his schedule or anything.

“Sleep now,” I say because that seems like a perfect solution for both of us. I hear Winston scoff and I open my eyes for a second. “Hey, I don’t want you being exhausted. We’re not stopping, not even for a second, remember?” I’m using his own words against him and he can’t help but grin at me. 

“Fine,” he says and I close my eyes again. 

***

We’re lucky that the conductor woke us up to check our tickets or we’d have missed our station. 

“Seaside,” Winston says once we get out of the train station and he realises where we are. It’s basically one giant beach with lots and lots of hotels so we have a variety to choose from. There are already artists all around as well as stalls to sell all that tourist shit to people. 

“So?” I ask Winston because he’s still not moving, He just stands there, his smile growing wider and wider with each second that passes.

“Nice,” he says breathlessly and then he looks at me with those sparkling eyes. “Right, no stopping.” And with that, he starts walking with the backpack bouncing on his back and I have to jog to catch up to him.

I knew he’d like it here. Whatever everyone else might believe, I do pay attention to those around me. Especially him. When we talked about our ideal life together, he was set on living at the beach and that’s also where he took me that day. He also made it clear that he doesn’t like phones or electronics so yeah, he’s not a busy city sort of guy. I pay attention.

“You wanna drop our stuff off first?” I ask him when he starts heading straight for the beach.

He shakes his head. “Why? Stop wasting time, roll up your trousers and let's get in the water.” 

I missed this side of him, I forgot how he turns into a kid whenever he gets excited. And he means what he said, he drops his backpack off near some rocks and we’re lucky that it’s early in the morning so it’s not crowded yet. Those people better not touch our stuff though.

Winston is in his shorts so it’s easy for him, all he has to do is take off his shoes and shirt and then off he goes. 

I hang back, taking my time to take my shoes and socks off. I hate the sand and how it feels underneath my feet. Whenever I go to the beach with Leeya, she always tries to get me to go in the water with her. I refuse and then I just take pictures for her Instagram. Trust Winston to be able to convince me though.

There are a few families and one couple but they’re far away from us which means we kind of have this whole section of the beach to ourselves. Will someone steal our stuff? Maybe I should-

“You coming or what?” Winston shouts so I sigh and leave out stuff behind because I don’t wanna keep him waiting. He’s already waist-deep in the water and I can only see him in the distance but I notice that he’s grinning.

I only dip my feet into the water and it’s fucking freezing, I swear I almost pass out from the shock. I quickly take a step back and Winston is already closer to me but not close enough to be able to touch me.

“Get in here!” he shouts and he must be mad. I’m still wearing my t-shirt and my jeans, I just rolled them up like he told me to. 

I would tell him to fuck off but there are kids here and I doubt the parents would appreciate it. So I just shake my head and sand sticks to the bottom of my damp feet. This is why I hate beaches, he should just be glad that I took him here.

“Monty!” he shouts and my heart skips a beat when he drops the ‘t’. I remember when I used to hate it, still kind of do but I’ve learned to get used to it. I look up and he’s coming closer to me now, he’s soaked and even his hair is dripping wet. I don’t even wanna know what’s in that water. 

“Don’t touch me until you shower,” I say and he laughs at me. He’s coming closer and I take a few steps back which only makes him laugh more.

“God, you’re such a wuss,” he says and then he shakes his head. “But fine, let’s shower. Have you picked out a hotel yet?”

We walk back to our backpacks and I hate that my feet are all disgusting and dirty so I don’t bother putting my shoes back on as Winston quickly wipes himself down with a towel. 

“We’ll just go to the closest one,” I say I keep my eyes on the ground, making sure to not even glance at him. This continues once we get to the hotel. I signed us in and Winston went to shower straight away. 

He comes out wearing just a white hotel towel wrapped around his hips. I swallow and I pretend to be too busy unpacking my backpack to even notice. Winston is either too stupid to see that I’m trying not to stare or he wants me to stare.

“Fuck, the hotel shampoo sucks. Feel how my hair looks,” he says and he stands in front of me. I don’t even know how hair is supposed to feel like and what the difference between a bad and a good shampoo is. I just wash my hair with whatever Leeya buys, so I don’t understand why he’s telling me this.

He leans forward so that I can smell the shampoo on his hair. He’s waiting for me to touch his hair and either I make it awkward or I suck it up and do it. It’s just hair. I reach forward and gently pat his head like he’s a fucking dog or something.

“Yeah,” I just say and I quickly pull my hand away. “I’ll make sure to use my own shampoo.” Winston just smiles at me awkwardly and then he goes back to the bathroom to change. I really need to get a grip or I’ll pass out if he touches me.

I don’t even know what’s going on with me, he’s touched me plenty of times and I was okay with it. Now I’m acting like some freak. 

Alcohol would help.

***

Alcohol doesn’t help. I’m only two drinks in and I’m even more jittery and nervous. There’s a bar close to the beach. Actually, it’s kind of part of the beach. All you have to do is walk down the wooden steps and then you’re on the sand and just a walk away from being in the sea. 

“You okay?” Winston asks and he’s okay. He’s just slowly sipping on his own drink, savouring every moment and I hate him for not even being nervous. 

“No,” I say and he looks surprised that I’ve managed to admit it. But before he can ask what’s bothering me, I sigh and I lean back in my chair. “Why aren’t you nervous?”

I don’t even know why I’m asking, why I’m making an even bigger fool out of myself. I was fine for a second when we were in the hotel room, we sat on our beds, far away from each other and we just messed about and laughed. That was the only time I wasn’t nervous.

But then we walked around the town, listening to street musicians, tasting some local foods and looking at paintings and he walked so close to me that I couldn’t even concentrate on a word he was saying. Maybe I’m just tired still.

“Because…” Winston says and his brow furrows as he looks into the distance. I don’t expect him to actually answer but he’s taking me seriously. “Because I just don’t feel nervous. This… It feels right. Normal.”

Of course it’s normal, why wouldn’t it be? I frown at him and he rolls his eyes. “Can you just breathe and stop moving your leg, the whole table is shaking because of you.” he says so I ‘try to breathe’ and I stop moving my leg.

“Better?” I ask and he smiles.

“Much.” He says and then he sees something behind me and he grins mischievously. “Wait, I’ll be right back.” He stands up and as he passes by me, he touches my shoulder and my heart starts pounding again. It’s just him, he’s doing all of this to me.

I order another drink while he’s gone even though I shouldn’t. I haven’t even finished my last one and I don’t feel like starting the third one by the time it arrives. 

There was a time when I’d be able to chug down drink after drink but I’ve learned how to control myself, I don’t wanna end up like dear old Leo.

I’m tapping my fingers on the table when Winston comes back. He wasn’t gone for that long, maybe fifteen minutes. 

“Guess what I have,” he says childishly and when he sits down I see the two ice cream cups in his hands. Strawberry ice cream.

I grin. I knew bringing weed would be a good idea even if I rarely smoke nowadays. “Weed before or after?” I ask him and he slides one of the cups across the table to me.

“After,” he decides and he digs his little plastic spoon into the ice cream. I smile at him and then I eat just a small spoonful of my ice cream. Strawberry and weed, someone’s been doing their research.

I seem to relax once I’m halfway through the cup of ice cream and I slowly stand up. “You wanna leave?” I ask Winston and he doesn’t hesitate to say yes. We’ve only eaten about half of our fries and we haven’t even finished our drinks but neither of us seems to care. I leave some money on the table and then we walk down the wooden steps. 

I was smart enough to change into shorts now so I don’t have to sweat in jeans as we walk across the beach together. I finish my ice cream first and I toss the cup and spoon into a trash can before pulling out the joint I had time to roll up in our hotel room.

Winston laughs. “Oh, we’re really doing this again?” he asks me and he shakes his head like he can’t believe that we’re practically recreating the last time we went to the beach.

“Mhm,” I say and once I find a lighter, it finally feels complete, like I’ve done everything and I can finally breathe and stop worrying. No, it’s probably just the weed.

“So do you still  _ not  _ smoke?” I ask him remembering what he said to me all those months ago. I take one hit of the joint before Winston is taking it from me.

“I’ve never smoked and I never will,” he says and then the joint is between his lips and he inhales. He’s strange.

We swap between the ice cream cup and the joint until we run out of ice cream to share and then it’s just us, the sea and the sand beneath our feet. 

“You miss the city yet?” Winston asks once I pass the joint to him. There’s not many people around, I think there’s a nightclub somewhere nearby and the families probably don’t wanna be hanging around here after dark. I like this.

I shake my head. “Nah, I like it here,” I admit and then I turn to him. “Wanna stay?” 

He laughs at me. Last time it was him who proposed to stay, should have fucking listened to him. “Yes please,” he says but he doesn’t sound like he actually wants to. He does, but he was more convincing last time he said it. I get it, he’s got a proper job and a life now, he can’t be disappearing without a trace.

“So what do you do now, out there in the real world?” I ask him. He never says much about himself in the letters, doesn’t share much about what he’s really doing.

We put our hands in his pockets once we’re done with the joint and Winston sighs. “Just this and that.” And there it is again.

“This and that?”

“You know,” he says but I don’t know. I nudge his side and he starts to laugh. “Sometimes I have a photoshoot but most of the time I’m behind the camera,” he explains and I listen quietly, happy that he’s finally sharing something. “It’s through an agency so I mostly work with the same models and photographers. They’re all great.” He was always great at teamwork and just working with people in general. Of course they love him.

“I’m really happy for you,” I say and he stares at me like he can’t even comprehend the words that came out of my mouth. 

“You are?” he asks quietly and he stops. We’re by some giant rocks, a cliff I think and we’re near the steps. All we need to do is get to them, walk up and then head back to the hotel. So why are we stopping?

“Yeah, I like seeing you happy,” I say and then I realise how soft that sounds. I quickly look down and Winston takes the opportunity to take a step towards me. I should have kept my goddamn mouth shut.

“I like seeing you happy too,” he then says and I feel a hand on my shoulder. His hand. When I look up, he’s not smiling anymore. He looks… sad. 

“But you’re not happy,” he adds and I can’t look away from him. His eyes, his whole fucking face is so perfect and so mesmerising. How can they put him behind the camera when he looks like that?

“I  _ am _ happy,” I say but it doesn’t sound like me saying it, more like an automated voicemail response. Maybe I’m not happy.

“I don’t understand why you still do it,” Winston says and he bites into his bottom lip. He can’t be doing that while we’re standing so close to each other.

“Do what?” I ask and I look down again.

Winston sighs. “All of it. Soccer, the interviews. Joe. Leeya. All of it. That’s not who you are.” What does he know about who I am? I scoff and I try to pull away but he hangs on tightly to my shoulder. “You’re only upset because you know I’m right.”

“I’m not upset,” I snap at him. I love soccer, of course I do. I love the interviews, I love Joe and I love Leeya. It’s the life I want, the life I deserve.

“Monty-”

“What do you want me to say?” I shout at him and I shrug him off. “That I hate it? Of course I fucking hate it! You’ve been there, you’ve seen it all. I’d rather go back to prison than have to live one more second of this fucking life! I’d rather be dead than-”

“You don’t mean that,” Winston quickly interrupts me and he looks serious, his lips set in a thin line. I shouldn’t say stuff that I don’t mean, but I mean what I’m saying right now.

“I mean it,” I say sternly and Winston knows that I’m telling the truth.

“Then… then leave,” he says and he tilts his head to the side. “Leave it all behind. Like I did. It's hard at first but… I don’t regret it one bit.” It was easy for him, all he had to do was quit college and move out. 

“Not one bit?” I ask him and he looks away. “You don’t regret leaving?”

“That’s now what I meant,” he mutters because we both know what I’m trying to say. Doesn’t he regret leaving me behind? “You’re just… Stop changing the topic, this is about you.” 

I walk past him and I sit down under the rocky cliff. He pauses and then he joins me on the sand.

“Fucking hate sand,” I mutter and Winston chuckles lightly. He doesn’t say anything though, he won’t help me divert the conversation again. I think I better say something before he does. “Anders has done so much for me-”

“Anders would understand, he’d want you to be happy.” It’s like he’s got an argument for everything. He hesitates and then he puts his hand on my bare knee. I don’t shrug him off.

“I don’t know what to do,” I mumble and then I turn to the side and I press my face into his shoulder. He smells amazing, feels amazing and even though it’s not cold, he feels much warmer than I thought he’d be.

“Maybe let’s not make a decision now while you’re drunk  _ and _ high,” he says and he brings a hand to the back of my head and starts to run his fingers through my hair. I feel that nervous feeling again but only for a split second before my body relaxes under his touch. 

“You’re really good at this whole giving advice thing,” I say and I don’t know what I’m doing snuggling up to him and moving even closer. He moves his arms to let me rest my head on his shoulder.

“Yeah, it would be a waste for you to not take my advice,” he says and he laughs lightly. He’s still trying to convince me to quit soccer and it might sound easy but it’s really not. 

“You really think I should quit?” I ask him. I try to imagine what Leo would say but I come up with nothing. I’ve never talked about quitting even though I’ve thought about it, I thought I’d die a soccer player. Funny how it all changed when Winston entered the picture.

“If it makes you happy, then yes,” Winston says and I’ve got about a million new questions again. What do I do once I quit? Can’t imagine myself working anywhere or doing anything other than soccer, training and interviews. 

I decide not to drag it on for now. I slowly stand up and Winston’s arm slides down my back. “I’m tired,” I say even though I’m not. I just wanna go back to the hotel room, wanna sleep and not think about soccer and everything else. Just wanna sleep with him next to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was much much longer so i had to split it into two chapters, ill be updating again soon :)


	17. The One

**Seventeen**

I was trying to get to sleep, swear I was. It was like midnight or something, the only sound was the fan buzzing as it rotated from Winston to me. And then I heard the rustling of what sounded like a bag. 

"What are you doing?" I mumble and I slightly lift my head off the pillow. I'm surprised that I've managed to even fall asleep in this bed, I forgot how uncomfortable hotel beds could be. Cheap hotels. 

I see that Winston is looking through my bag and now I'm even more confused. It's dark and I can't see much, I squint to try to make out what he's doing and then he takes something out of my bag and starts rustling it. 

"What are you doing?" I repeat and this time he looks up and grins at me. I see that he's got a packet of crisps in his hands, the one he bought at the train station.

"I'm so fucking hungry," he says and he stuffs his mouth with crisps so that crumbs fall all over the place and on his bed. 

The wonderful effect of weed. I laugh at him and he continues to eat. I should go back to sleep but I'm just gonna say that his chewing would most likely keep me awake. So I put my hands under my pillow and then I rest the side of my face on it. 

"You're so cute," I mumble and I have no idea where this is coming from. Me calling another guy cute, I barely even gave compliments to Leo because I didn't want him to think that I was hitting on him or something.

Winston stops chewing and he raises one eyebrow at me. "I know." Okay, I see how it is, he can't even say thank you. I scoff, close my eyes and that only makes him laugh. "What do you want me to say? Thanks for finally noticing?" Finally noticing? I always knew he was cute, I have eyes. 

I open my eyes and he's still crunching on those crisps. My stomach rumbles and he grins at me. "Wanna share?" he asks and I just hold my hand out towards him in response. He places one crisp in the palm of my hand.

"Wow, don't overfeed me," I say and he laughs. He's got a really cute laugh, I missed it. I eat the crisp in one bite and I lay back down and just stare at him. He eats in silence, focusing on everything but me and I’m just here staring at him like a creep.

I try not to think about all the different ways I’ve hurt him and how different it could have gone if certain things had never happened. Sometimes I really wish I could turn back time and do everything differently.

Winston finishes the packet of crisps with me, he occasionally offers some to me but I’m not that hungry. Or it’s because of the nerves. I close my eyes again once he leaves to wash his hands in the bathroom. He takes so fucking long in there, how long does it take him to wash his hands?

I almost fall asleep until the covers are lifted up and the cold air hits my lower back where the shirt has lifted up and exposed it.

“Hmm? What are you doing?” I ask sleepily when I sit up and notice that Winston is trying to get into my bed. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go, we shouldn’t be doing this. But I fucking  _ want _ to so bad.

“There’s crumbs in my bed,” Winston says with a shrug and then he lays down under the covers with me. Nice excuse. I turn away from him to face his bed and I feel him moving closer to me. It’s a small bed, one of us is gonna fall out sooner or later.

“Don’t eat in your bed then,” I mumble but just so he knows that I can talk, I can keep it together even if he’s laying so close to me. He’s affecting me though. I can smell his shampoo, his body wash, his perfume and it makes me feel both safe and scared at the same time.

It’s calming knowing that he’s beside me. If anything goes wrong, he’ll be right here with me and I know he won’t leave me. But at the same time… he’s the only person who can make me feel so unsure of myself.

“Are you cold? I’m cold,” Winston says and without a hint of hesitation, he moves closer to me and puts his head on my shoulder. My back and his chest are glued together and I start sweating. Then as if that wasn’t enough, he sneaks his hand under my arm and rests it on my lower stomach.

“Y-you can’t do that,” I say quietly and I try to shrug him off. He immediately takes his hand away. Not like that changes the fact that I’m already getting hard. He can’t see or feel it and that makes my life easier, I’ll just pretend nothing’s wrong.

“Sorry,” Winston mutters and then he turns on his other side so our backs are touching. Crisis averted. Almost but not quite.

I can’t sleep. All the blood is rushing down below, my heart is pounding and my hands are sweating. I’ve never been this nervous. Never. I suddenly realise why I couldn’t think or control myself around him all those months ago. Whenever I saw him it was like… I just wanted him all to myself. 

But that was all about sex. Something’s changed.

I pull the covers back and I get out of bed. I shiver almost straight after, it's either really cold or he's really warm. The window is obviously closed but I still walk over to it to check. I pull the curtain back, I can see the beach from here and it's empty. Everything around it is closed, the restaurants and the shops, its all dark and quiet. Feels like its just us and this hotel room that matters. 

"Monty?" I'm staring out of the window not saying a word and he sounds worried. I steal a glance at him and he's sitting up and squinting at me in the dark. 

"I'm scared," I say quietly and then after a moment, I turn back to the window. Never thought I'd be acting this soft, talking about feelings and shit. Never thought I'd be in love with a guy either. But here I am. 

Winston doesn’t say anything but I hear him moving. "Of me?" he asks me and I jump when I realise how close he is to me. He's standing behind me and he puts his hand on my shoulder. 

He's still almost as skinny as I remember him to be, I'm not scared of him. I'm scared of myself. Scared of fucking up again, hurting him, doing something wrong. It always goes wrong somehow. 

I shake my head and then I let go of the curtain and let it fall over the window. "I'm terrified that something is gonna go wrong," I say and I slowly turn to face Winston. He takes his hand away from my shoulder and slowly, he nods. He doesn't make fun of me, doesn't call me a pussy. I think he understands.

"Something always goes wrong," he tells me. He's not going to lie to me and tell me that everything is going to he sunshine and rainbows from now on. I like that about him. 

"But there's so point worrying about the future when… when the present feels just right…" he says and he slowly puts his hand on my cheek and strokes the bone just below the eye with his thumb. That spot has been bruised so many times in my life that I've lost count. And now he's touching it and he makes it seem like my skin has never been touched before. He's staring at it like its art. 

I think what surprises me the most is that after the OD, everyone changed the way they look at me. The media thinks I'm some kind of depressed fuck who will kill himself sooner or later, Leeya thinks I'm vulnerable and I'll break any moment, like I need her to keep an eye on me all the damn time. Joe stopped being as annoying, finally started looking at me like we were equals. We’re not though, I’ll always be slightly better than him at something. Even Anders… even Anders has changed the way he looks at me, he's no longer as strict as he used to be. 

And then there's Winston. He always looked at me the same way. Both with intrigue and admiration and even a little bit of disapproval. He knew I was a fuck up from the first time he saw me and he knows that I'll continue fucking up, just in different ways. 

He said it feels right and it does. I take on step closer to him, just inches away from our faces touching. He tilts his head observing me carefully waiting for me to make the first move. 

"I kissed you first, didn't I?" I say mostly to myself. At that beach, I was the one who started it. Wasn't I? I always kiss him first. 

Winston nods and then his eyes rest on my lips. “You wanna do it again?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper. Why can't he make the first move? It looks like he's scared. 

I lean in and he does the same except he has to bend forward too, he's too tall for me to reach and I'm not gonna be standing on my tiptoes like a girl. 

I'm putting one hand on his waist, pulling him in closer and out noses brush past each other. Neither of us is saying a word and I wish I could feel his heart to know if it's beating as fast as mine. 

My lips are almost touching his and I pause. There's no going back after this. If I do this, I need to be sure that it's what I want. He's what I want. 

I press my lips against his and his hand immediately moves to grab onto my hair. He's not gonna let me go now. 

With both of my hands on his hips, I take a step forward to push him back. He lets me guide him back to the bed. Or at least where I think the bed is, I don't know, my eyes are closed. 

Fortunately, he stops when the back of his legs hit the bed and he doesn't let go of me, he kisses me harder, tugs at my hair making sure I don't pull away. I can’t breathe but it’s okay, I’ll breathe later.

I get on top of him as I slowly push him back onto the bed and he finally pulls away to catch his breath. We’re both breathing heavily and he stops and looks into my eyes for a couple of seconds. He slowly breaks into a grin as I stare at him dumbfoundedly. He kisses me again then, pulling me down by my hair and pressing our lips together. I thought I was needy.

I don’t really know what to do, I’ve never been with a guy. And it’s not like I can call Holden up and ask him for a manual. All I know is that I’m hard and he’s hard and he’s fucked however many guys whereas I’ve only been blown by one. 

Do I tell him that I have no idea what to do? I mean he probably already knows. My first time with a girl, we were both drunk and I just pretend I knew what I was doing. I could do that now except he knows.

He slowly rolls his lips, grinding against me and making me go crazy. I pull away, stare at his swollen lips for a moment and then back up to his eyes. “Do you wanna… turn around?” I ask him and he shakes his head. How am I meant to fuck him then?

“I’m fine like this,” he says and then he lets go of my hair and tugs at my shirt. He’s the expert here, I’ll let him do what he wants. So he takes my shirt off and throws it onto the floor and then he wraps one leg around my lower back.

I put my hand on his chest where his heart is supposed to be and it feels like a drum, it makes me less conscious about my own heartbeat. After taking his shirt off and discarding it on the floor, I kiss him gently. His hands are on my back making my skin feel red hot and I need a second to calm down.

“Winston…” I finally manage to say and I press my lips to his neck to spare myself the embarrassment of having to look him in the face. He hums in response and I sigh against his skin. Fuck no, I’m not gonna tell him I have no clue what I’m doing.

I bite into his neck leaving teeth marks in one spot and then another until he moans my name and I stop. It sounds so good coming from his lips and I immediately kiss him, pressing my lips to his and tugging at his bottom lip.

“Prepped myself in the bathroom for you,” Winston tells me and I freeze for a moment. His voice sounds so deep and I think I have an idea of what to do. I knew he didn’t take all that time in the bathroom for nothing. He planned this. I can’t say I’m surprised, we both knew we were gonna end up here sooner or later.

At least I know my way around a cock, way easier than dealing with a girl. I kiss down his neck and then the line on his chest between his ribs. His skin is soft and smooth and while I leave a trail of kisses down his stomach, my hand touches his chest, moving over the smooth skin.

Then I get down to his boxers and I see that he's already hard and there's a wet patch where he's leaked into his boxers. Did I really get him like that just from kissing? 

I pull his boxers down, he lifts his hips making it easier for me and then the flimsy piece of material lands on the floor. I hesitate to touch him at first, not really sure why but it's weird. I'm used to jerking myself off but… 

"You okay?" Winston asks me and I don't want him to think I'm one of those guys who gets emotional over sex so I just nod and slowly start stroking him. 

I've never jerked him off or even touched him, it was all about me. And now he's in my hand and I'm stroking him, trying to get used to the feeling of another guy's cock in my hand. 

He's not as big as me but close, definitely not as thick. I hover above him, my hand still touching him and I kiss the corner of his mouth. 

His hands fly to my hips, squeezing hard and then tugging my underwear off. Then they move down my ass as he tries to take the boxers off. I eventually do it myself because he can't manage and then we're both naked, laying almost on top of each other, skin to skin, lips touching. 

"You sure?" I ask him. Without taking my lips off of his. No going back. 

"Very," he says and then his hand stays on my ass and he squeezes hard. He likes to get handsy with my ass and I thought I'd hate it, it's something girls enjoy, not me. I don’t mind it.

He's very eager to stay on his back so I'm trying to find a position that works for both of us. His legs wrap around my hips pulling me even closer. 

He reaches for his bag, empties the content out onto the bed and he takes a small bottle of lube and a condom from the mess of clothes and everything else.

"What's the condom for?" I ask him, it's not like I can get him pregnant. I pick the foil wrapper up and play with it between my fingers. 

"Just in case," he answers. In case what? In case I magically get him pregnant? I raise an eyebrow and he laughs at me. "STDs," he explains further and that's enough to get me to slip the condom on. Better safe than sorry. 

My breathing is heavy, unable to think properly and he squeezes a small amount of lube into the palm of his hand. His hands find their way in between our bodies and he spreads the cold liquid onto my cock. It's all going slow, taking it carefully and not rushing it. I've never done it like this. 

I raise my hips trying to position my cock where his hole is. I thought it would be way more difficult to do this. It's not. 

I rest my forearms by the sides of his head and he grabs onto my hips. He kisses my neck, sucks on the part just below my ear and then I slowly thrust my hips forward and half of my cock pushes into him. He's tight and I have to press my lips together to stop a groan from coming out. It feels so fucking good. 

"Just like that," Winston says breathlessly and then I push into him fully, clutching at the bedsheets to hold onto something. I can't move once I'm inside of him, it feels so fucking good, all my nerve endings feeling like they're on fire. 

Winston is breathing heavily, his chest moving up and down just as fast as mine and then he squeezes my hip. 

"Keep going," he tells me and I find the strength in myself to pull out and thrust back inside. It's easier this time and it keeps getting easier as I repeat the action. 

He moves his hips, meeting my slow and hard thrusts like he's trying to get the most of me. I move up, my head being close to his, breathing heavily into his ear. My eyes are half-closed as I roll my hips and thrust once more. 

His quiet moans turn into a loud groan and his hips jerk upwards. "Does that feel good?" I ask him and I do it again. He moans in reply. I didn't even know guys could moan like that. Or do any of the things he can do. 

He tugs at my earlobe with his teeth, scratches his hands down my back as I go faster and harder until there's sweat dripping down my forehead. 

Winston takes one hand away from my back and reaches for his own cock. "I'm close," he tells me and he jerks himself off at the same speed that I'm thrusting into him. 

I can't say anything, I'm too busy biting my lip making sure I don't make anything more than a grunt. Difficult to do when he's rolling his hips, grinding on me and moaning my name like crazy. 

"Winston," I moan softly and then seconds later, his body jerks forward and he comes all over his hand and his lower stomach. 

"Fuck, you're so fucking good. You feel so good," he mumbles to himself when I don't stop and he digs his nails into my lower back. That's enough to make me come. 

I don't realise what I've done until I'm laying on top of him, still inside of him and we're both trying to catch our breath. I had sex with a guy. And it was probably the most amazing thing I've ever felt in my entire life. Definitely.

***

I'm not sure how I'm meant to go back home to Leeya after that. I can't do that. I just wanna stay here with him, fucking him repeatedly until I forget what breathing is. 

He's still asleep. Still in my bed. It's light outside, sunlight creeping in through the curtains and birds singing in the distance. The window is closed though, it's just us here. 

I'm not sure what to make of last night. It was perfect, very fucking terrifying but I don't regret it one bit. Not when I look at him in the daylight and I see how good he looks after last night. 

I'm wearing nothing but a clean pair of boxers. So is he but in addition to that, he's wearing my shirt. He picked it up by accident when we were getting dressed last night and I didn't want to tell him that it was mine because it looked too good on him. Even if it was slightly too small. He really needs to stop growing. 

We're supposed to be leaving today evening, maybe late night if we're stubborn and he's wasting all my precious time with him by sleeping.

"Winston," I say softly and I brush my nose past his cheek. He continues to sleep soundly and before I know it, I'm kissing his face all over trying to get him to wake up. 

He smiles lazily without opening his eyes and I place one last kiss on his temple. "You might wanna get up, we don't have long left," I tell him and he stretches and then slowly opens his eyes. 

He's looking at me differently, wide eyes twinkling to match the grin on his face. Last night was a step in the right direction. "But I thought we were staying here, we have all the time in the world," Winston says carelessly and then the next second he's on top of me nuzzling his face into my neck. 

He's like one of those cats that Leeya's parents have, they always scratch and hiss at me but I've seen the way they snuggle up to Leeya, brushing their tickly hair all over her face and neck and wanting warmth. That's what Winston is behaving like right now. 

He laughs when I try to push him off, sucking on my neck like a goddamn vampire and he won't stop until I push him off and pin him down to the bed. We're both laughing by that point. 

Still, we make no attempt to get out of bed. He lays next to me but one leg is on top of me like he needs to constantly touch me or he won't believe that I'm really here. 

Last night I was a nerve wreck, worrying about taking a simple look for him. I've never felt more at peace than I do right now. 

"What happened to them? In the end?" I ask Winston as we stare up at the ceiling, smiling at nothing. He turns to look at me, interested in what I have to say. 

"Remember Achilles and Patroclus? How did they end up?" I ask. He never told me anything about the ending, it was always about them and how good they were together. I don't think I wanted to know how it ended. 

Winston scoffs and he shakes his head. "Come on, I wanna know," I say and I keep bugging him until he agrees to tell me. 

"They… Patroclus kinda went to battle for Achilles," Winston says and he pauses. "He died."

My heart drops even though it's a story that someone made up years and years and years ago. Just a story. 

"Achilles was devastated," Winston continues. "Murdered like fucking... thousands of people for him, mourned him every second of his life. They were buried together. Don't you dare try to tell me that they were just friends."

He nudges me at the last part and I laugh at him. "Fine, they weren't  _ just _ friends," I agree with him and he smiles at me. Then the smiles slowly vanishes. 

"You think we're like them?" he asks me and he sounds worried. I remember him comparing us to them. But we're not like them. 

"Definitely not, we're better," I say and I pull him closer to my chest. A college drop out photographer and a famous soccer player with anger issues coming together and thinking its actually going to work out. It sounds like a joke when you say it out loud. But I want it to work. 

Winston gets his good mood back pretty quickly and he looks up at me. He's like inches taller than me and yet he's curled up so he seems smaller than he really is. "You'd murder thousands of people for me wouldn't you?" he asks me cheekily and he tilts his head. 

"Of course," I agree with him but I don't even have the balls to confront Joe for hitting him at the hospital. I'm a liar and a fraud. "And you'd go to war for me right?"

He nods and then laughs. "Not sure if I'd die for you though, a bit extreme," he says and I push him away. "Kidding! Kidding," he says quickly and he kisses my bare chest. "I'd do anything for you." 

Sure. We can kid ourselves like this, that we'd be the most perfect couple there is. But we're never gonna be perfect. Especially not together. 

After laying with him for another half an hour, I finally manage to convince him to get up. I actually push him out of bed but the details don't matter. He sprints to the shower first, he didn't shower last night so I don't blame him but at least he had the decently to clean up and not get my bed filthy. 

I check my phone. I told Anders not to contact me unless it's an emergency and he hasn't so I can go on with my day knowing that everything is okay. 

Once Winston gets out of the shower, it's my turn and he smacks my ass when I walk past him. I tell him to fuck off and he just laughs. 

Showering is weird, seeing all the things he's done to me like the scratches on my arms and back, the hickeys all over my upper body and neck and then also the bruises on my hips and ass from him grabbing on too hard. I really don't know how I'm going to explain myself to the guys in the locker room. I'm not, fuck them if they stare, I can do whatever the hell I want and no one can tell me otherwise. 

He ordered room service while I was showering. I used his shampoo and shower gel because it smelled nicer and he notices the second I get closer to him. "You smell nice," he says and he raises an eyebrow at me. Yeah, because I smell like him. 

We sit on the tiny bed, Winston's bed still being abandoned and we savour the breakfast made up of eggs, bacon and toast. Good enough for a cheap hotel like this.

I'm used to people leaving all the time, at this point I just expect it. But out of all the people in my life, Joe, Leeya and even Anders, he's the only one I never wanna let go of. He's the only one I want by my side until the end of time. 

I'm staring at him and he does this thing when he looks down, looks back up again and then looks down while his cheeks turn pink. I don't understand why but he does it and only sometimes. It's nice to know he can be something other than cocky. I think he got that from me actually.

"Remember when we like… agreed that relationships weren't for us?" I ask and my heart is pounding now. I think I remember every single conversation I've had with him. Some more than others. But I remember every single 't' he dropped, every single pause he took and every single word that he whispered. I'll never be able to forget. 

Winston pushes the tray with our unfinished breakfast on to the side and he nods slowly. Both of us blink at each other and then I swallow. I said I wasn't ready for anything yet, but I don't wanna be away from him any longer. I don't wanna have to worry about the next time I'm going to see him or if he's seeing someone else other than me. I wanna be sure that I have him.

"Yeah?" Winston says uncertainly and he moves closer to me. We sit opposite each other, both of us looking at one another like we're both unsure of where we're going with this. 

"Nevermind," I say after a long pause. What was I going to say anyway? I'm such a fucking coward always backing out at the last second. 

Winston doesn’t mention it again as we plan what to do today. So much to do, so little time. 

"I say we just walk around, do whatever we like," I suggest when Winston starts freaking out, looking at restaurants and shops. Twenty-four hours ago, I'd be the one freaking out and he'd be telling me to calm down. We've switched roles. 

Winston agrees with me and when we go downstairs, we head straight for the beach. He's wearing a blue shirt, grey shorts and his hair is still wet from the shower. 

I remember running my fingers through his hair last night and my skin heats up. Neither of us has said a word about last night but it's not weird. 

We stop by the stalls first and Winston gives me a history lesson on some Greek mythology postcard he sees. I never paid attention in school or history class but I could listen to anything as long as he's the one speaking. 

"Hey what's that?" I ask when a piece of silver catches my eye. It's not some cheap plasticy thing and it feels heavy when I pick it up. 

The lady at the stall looks me up and down. I'm not gonna steal it, lady, I don't need to bother Anders with theft. 

"That's Icarus," Winston says and the name sounds familiar. The old hag selling all this bullshit only relaxes once the necklace is in Winston's hands. Excuse me for not being white. 

"The the guy with the wax wings, right?" I ask him remembering what I read in one of his books. One of my favourite memories with him.

"Yeah… Flew too close to the sun," Winston mutters and then he traces over the wings of the charm. He hands it back to me and the woman is watching again. I slowly reach back to place it on the table but a young couple comes by, a white couple and they get her full attention.

Except the necklace somehow slips into my pocket. 

I grab onto Winston's elbow and I start dragging him away. "What's wrong?" he asks when I don't say anything and push us further down the path. 

"Don't look back," I say. I don't care that I could have afforded that necklace, the old bag doesn't deserve my money. 

Winston stares at me and then he straightens up and walks next to me side by side. We manage to walk a few more steps when we hear shouting coming from behind us, something about a thief. 

"Run," I say quietly and Winston's head turns towards me. 

"What?"

And then there's more noise coming from behind us. I'm fucked. "I said run!" I break into a run and Winston follows after me, grabbing onto my arm and trying to keep up. I'm faster and I grab his side and drag him along with me. 

We have to dodge past people just trying to walk past and then we turn a corner, run up some stone steps and then through a narrow alley. 

We continue running, both of us out of breath and we stop by an old run-down fountain. He's still holding onto me and then he let's go and rests his hands on his knees as he tries to collect himself. 

"You think we lost them?" I ask him and he glares at me before a small smile appears on his face. I pull the necklace out from my pocket and flash it before his eyes.

He shakes his head when he realises that I stole it. "You sure do keep things interesting," he says with a grin, still breathing heavily. 

I sit down on the edge of the fountain and I silently pray that the woman didn't recognise me. She didn't look like she was interested in any kind of sport anyway. 

"We should keep going," I say once we're both okay with our breathing. We resume walking, still looking back and making sure no one is coming after us. They're not. 

"Why'd you steal it?" Winston asks me once we're walking down another sandy path, away from the stalls. He's confused, I could have paid for it but I didn't want to do that. 

I shrug. "Felt like it," I say and then I take his hand and I press the cold metal into the palm of his hand. "Can't have evidence on me," I say and Winston grins and stuffs the necklace into his pocket. 

"Of course," he says and then he continues smiling to himself as we walk on. We find another beach. Pretty deserted and really small. It's not as warm here, the wind is worse here and it's kind of cold.

Winston is actually liking it, he doesn't mind that he's only wearing shorts and a T-shirt. He walks around, picks up a stick and then writes something in the sand. I walk over to him and he drops the stick and shyly looks at the ground. 

M + W 

From whichever angle you look at it, it's still 'M + W'. There's a bunch of shit we're gonna have to talk about tonight, that being one of them. 

Winston starts walking away, his damp hair getting messed up by the wind and he looks too good to not take a picture. 

"Hey! I wasn't even ready!" he protests. He wasn't supposed to notice me taking a picture but now he's standing still, smiling and I don't try to hide the fact that I'm taking a picture. He's not even bothered that I'm taking it on my phone and not on a proper camera. 

"How do I look?" he asks me and he comes over. He rests his hand on my hip and looks over my shoulder to look at the photo. 

"Good," I mutter and I clear my throat. Come on, you fucked the guy, you can at least give him a compliment without acting weird. 

No one is around, his hand is on my hip and my heart is pounding because I don't want anyone to see us standing like this together. I'm still Montgomery de la Cruz and I have a reputation to look after. A tarnished reputation but it's still something. 

I shrug him off and walk back to a spot where I can sit down. The sand still gets everywhere but it's better than being caught with Winston. I didn't care last night, I was high and it was dark and it didn't really seem to matter then. It does now. For some reason.

Winston joins my side, sitting down but leaving some space in between us and then he lays down. I can see the M + W he wrote in the distance and I wish it could be as easy as that. 

"When I go back... " I start and I look straight ahead, not even bothering to look at him. "I'm gonna… tell Anders that I wanna quit the team. The whole thing. I'll find something else to do." And hopefully, Anders won't try to talk me out of it or send me back to prison. 

"If that's what you want," Winston says softly and he moves his leg closer to me. "You should do it." He's making it seem like it’s my choice, but I wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't for him. 

"It is," I say and then I lay down on the sand too, laying side by side with him. "It all fell apart the day Leo died," I say to myself to try to justify quitting. Leo was the only thing encouraging me to keep going, he was the only thing worth keeping going for. And now I've found someone else who is worth quiting for. 

"I think it fell apart the second you saw me," Winston tells me and he nudges me playfully. I raise an eyebrow and he grins to himself. "Really swept you off your feet," he says smugly. 

"Rocked my whole world," I continue and he bursts into laughter and tells me to shut up. Maybe it fell apart before it even began. Back in that prison. Back in high school maybe. 

We continue laying down on the sand, I slowly trace over the veins on his arm without even meaning to. Someone's been going to the gym in their free time. 

He moves closer to me, resting his head on my shoulder and touching my knee with his. His hair is a mess with all the sand in it, he's practically got mud on his head. And it gets on my shoulder too. 

I move my head closer, lightly lift his chin with two fingers and he stares at me with wide eyes. There's no one around and I'm sure Anders can come up with something if we get caught. 

"Can I kiss you?" I ask and he nods shakily. Suddenly he's the one who's nervous and I'm the one who leans down and presses my lips against his. It wouldn't hurt him to be the one to initiate the kiss for once. 

He kisses me back, slowly at first, only just lightly touching my lips with his and then he moves to get on top of me, one hand in my hair and the other one on my hip. He's really got a thing for ass and hips, doesn't he?

He bites down on my bottom lip, kisses me roughly and I have no choice but to follow. It's daylight, we only just woke up a while ago and I already feel like going back to the hotel room and locking both of us inside, never coming out again. Want him all to myself. 

"Are you gonna fuck me tonight?" he asks grabbing onto my hip harder and starting to move his hips against mine. God forbid any child walks by. 

He grinds against me, already making my boner so much worse. I never get turned on this easily. Takes me fifty different rituals to even get hard for Leeya. One of them including thinking about Winston before during and after. 

"I'll do anything you want," I answer and he just smiles, before slowing down and pulling away. 

"Anything?" he asks and there's a gleam in his eyes when his eyebrows twitch upwards. 

"Anything," I confirm. The words are just coming out of my mouth before I can stop them, he's making it impossible for me to think. 

I don't know why he's acting surprised at my answer, I always do anything for the ones I love. For the one. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its kinda short but i had to cut the chapter in half to make sure the next one ends how i want it to  
> hope you enjoyed reading :)


	18. Careful What You Wish For

**Eighteen**

We went back to our hotel room deciding that it was the safe option. We didn’t wanna get arrested for some stupid necklace and we didn’t wanna get caught fucking at the beach. 

But we didn’t fuck when we got back to the hotel room. I found a deck of cards in one of the drawers and Winston said he never played cards in his life. I offered to teach him but he’s useless at it. He can’t even lie, he grins whenever I ask him a question.

“You could at least try, it’s boring winning every time,” I tease him and I collect all the cards and shuffle them again. We’re sitting on the floor in the middle of the room because there’s not enough space for us on the beds, we wouldn’t be able to sit down without touching one another and we wouldn’t be able to stay sitting down if we were touching in any way.

Winston is smiling at me as I shuffle the cards and then he looks down at his feet. “So what happens tomorrow?” he asks me the question that we’ve been trying to avoid. I stop immediately, putting the cards on the floor and staring at them like they’re gonna answer for me.

“Dunno,” I mumble and I rub the back of my neck. I'm making promises but I don't know how many I'll be able to keep. Will I actually quit the team? I like to think so but I also know that it won't be hard for them to convince me to stay. 

"Monty," Winston says seriously now. I look up and he's staring me in the eye. I gulp hard and I have to look away, his stare is too intense. "If you're serious about this-"

"I am," I interrupt him. Leeya was my first serious relationship, the woman I thought was gonna be by my side always. I don't know if I ever loved her, she looked after me and I liked having her around. But I don't know what love is supposed to feel like. 

"Me too," Winston says quietly and he moves closer to me. My body temperature immediately rises just thinking about him being closer to me. Maybe if I was really sure that I wouldn't mess this up, I'd just be able to tell him what I feel out loud. But I don't wanna get ahead of myself. 

"Let's… let's make one thing clear," Winston says sitting up straighter and probably wanting to intimidate me with his height again. "I'm done playing games. Really, I'm done. If you're serious about this like you say you are-"

"I _ am _ ," I repeat feeling frustrated with him for not listening to me. I really am trying to make sure that I do this right this time. I don't wanna mess it up again. I don't wanna mess myself up. Therapy is expensive especially for a fuck up like me. 

"Good," is all that Winston says, smiling nervously. He hums to himself, taps his fingers on the wooden floorboards and then he stands up and stretches like he can't bear to be sitting so close to me on the ground.

I'm looking him down from head to toe taking in every single detail. Like the way his hair frames his face and how he's got facial hair now even though it's barely noticeable because he shaved this morning when he was in the shower. The shirt is loose on him even though he's got muscle and the sleeves strain when he crosses his arms over his chest. The shirt lifts when he stretches, exposing his lower stomach and the start of the v line. 

"I'm gonna shower," I say. I'm gonna fuck him tonight, we both know it, and I'd rather be clean when I do. I stand up slowly, stop when I'm stood by his side and I look up to compare our heights for the hundredth time today. 

"What?" Winston asks, laughing at me but he already knows what's up. He's noticed me staring at him before too and I teased him, asked him what they've been feeding him that he's grown so much. 

"How tall are you?" I ask him and I stand closer to get a better view. He raises one eyebrow looking amused. I've always been insecure about my height and how almost everyone I ever met was taller than me. Still was able to beat them up though. Not that I'm thinking about beating Winston up or anything.

"Five ten?" Winston says with a shrug like he couldn't care less. It doesn't sound tall but it is to me. I'm only 5'9 and I'm not gonna grow any more. I stay where I am, he doesn't seem that tall when I take a step closer. He's not that tall when I actually pay attention to how similar we are in height. Even though he's still taller. 

"If you want a kiss you're gonna have to stand on your tiptoes," Winston teases me. Honestly, I wasn't even thinking about kissing him, not consciously that is. But I'm always thinking about kissing him. I'm always thinking aBOUT his lips, always thinking about wanting to be close with him. Always want to feel him. 

Then, without saying any more, he tilts my chin up with one finger and he leans down to kiss me, gently pressing his lips to mine like he wants to take his time. 

Unfortunately, the kiss doesn't last long and he pulls away before I can even focus on how right his lips feel against mine, how his lips make me forget about anything and everything else.

"Go get that shower then," he says with a grin and he steps past me to go lay down on my bed. He still hasn't bothered to clean the crumbs off of his own bed. 

I don't take any underwear or any clean clothes with me because what's the point, they're probably gonna be off the second I step out of the bathroom anyway. 

I take my time to carefully clean everywhere remembering that Winston likes to touch and explore. I showered a few hours before but I’m dirty from the beach and all sweaty from running away from the idiots screaming ‘thief’. Marks from last night are still as visible as ever on my skin and I stop to admire them for a second knowing that he's the only guy I'm ever gonna let do that to me. 

I come out with the towel loosely wrapped around my hips and it slides down with every step I take until I'm halfway to my bed and the towel drops and lands on the floor. "Oops," I say and I leave it where it is to walk over to Winston. He's already blushing, studying my body and moving up the bed to make some room for me. He's got a book in his hands, the one he brought with himself but he closes it and puts it away to the side completely distracted when I place my hand on his knee. 

I lean down and I reach out to brush some hair behind his ear. His hair is still kind of dirty from laying on the sand earlier but neither of us seems to mind. We're just gonna get dirtier.

My lips are by his ear, briefly brushing past the earlobe and then trailing down to his neck. I'm trying to remember what he smells like, it's that intoxicating smell that I could recognize anywhere.

I've got one hand on his cheek, holding him close and making sure he doesn't move away while my nose and lips work their way down his neck. I feel his rapid pulse in the vein in his neck and he swallows hard when I lick over the vein. 

It takes him about five seconds to put his hands on my hips and drag me on top of him. I’m feeling really exposed, having no clothes whatsoever while he’s fully dressed. He makes no attempt to undress himself, his hand flies to my ass and he squeezes tight, digging his blunt nails into the flesh and leaving marks. 

My lips find his, moving in sync and tasting every little bit of him, feeling every single bit of him underneath me. It feels right to have him here, to be able to feel him like no one else can. 

My hands fight their way under his shirt, my thumbs stroking across his ribcage, moving higher and higher up until I find his heart. I let my hand rest there for a moment, enjoying how his heart beats because it beats only for me to feel.

He pulls away leaving a strand of saliva running from my lips to his and I quickly wipe it away. He smiles at me and then takes his shirt off, pulling at it from the back with one hand and then tugging it off. 

Once it’s on the floor, I lean down to kiss him but he moves his head to the side, stopping me abruptly. “What?” I ask him and I feel this knot in my stomach again like I’m doing something wrong. As I’ve said, the first time I fucked a guy was last night so I’m no expert on what to do and what could go wrong.

“You know… it feels so good when you’re inside me,” he says and he moves up the bed using his elbows to rest his head on the pillow. Did he stop just so he could tell me I’m good at this? Either way, it makes me feel slightly less nervous like I know what I’m doing. 

“Mhm,” I say and I try to kiss him but he moves away again. What the fuck. I stare at him, raise an eyebrow and he chews away nervously at his bottom lip.

“Monty…” he says and he sighs, moves his hips and tilts his head to the side. “I want to make  _ you _ feel good.” It takes me a second to realise what he means and then my heart starts to thud inside my chest. I can hear nothing but the blood flow in my ears.

“No,” I say shakily, my voice just above a whisper. “I-I’m not like that,” I try to explain and I gulp hard, trying to make my voice sound normal again. But it’s in my head now, the idea of Winston fucking me, being completely in control and I can’t get it out of my head because it’s a possibility.

“Then what are you like?” Winston asks cocking his head to the side. I’m not… someone who likes to get fucked. I’m not like that, okay?

“I thought you liked getting fucked,” I say squinting at him. He seemed to be enjoying himself last night. Why does he want to change that now? 

“I do,” he says and absentmindedly strokes his thumb across my jawline. “But it’s nice to switch things up once in a while.” Once in a while, but we’ve only just fucked last night. It’s like he wants to cram everything into this one weekend like he’s worried we won’t have another chance to do this.

“What does it feel like?” I ask him and his eyes flicker to meet mine seeing that there’s a possibility I’m willing to do it. I said I’d do anything for him. I’m not gonna ask if it hurts because I’m not a fucking pussy, I bet I could take it.

“It might hurt,” he says with a shrug and I still can’t comprehend the fact that I’m laying on top of him and getting hard while considering letting him fuck me. “But...it feels good. It feels like… you’re one person, feels different.” He might be using all those fancy metaphors but in the back of my mind, I know what I’ll be agreeing to. 

I groan, throw my head back to think about it properly. Don’t overthink it, that’s when the problems being. It’s something that Winston wants to do, he did the same for me last night so why shouldn’t I give it a shot? It doesn’t sound too bad. It’s just sex, no need to make it into a big deal.

“You don’t have to,” Winston interrupts my thoughts but I don’t want him to think I can’t even take a small fucking. 

“Just shut up,” I say rubbing my hands up and down my face to wake myself up. “Just fucking do it, alright?” I’m hard and I don’t exactly have much time to think it over, just give it a go. I might hate it and then I’ll never do it again. Might like it but… I doubt it. I’m not gay in that way.

Winston grins and nods at me before pushing me off to the side. “Wait here, I’ll be back in a minute,” he says before getting off the bed. I watch as he walks away and goes into the bathroom. 

Did I really just agree to that? I think I did.

I stay on the bed, my heart pounding with every second that goes by. I try to rethink my decision but it’s difficult to think when you’re fully hard and thinking about a guy making you come from fucking you.

I start jerking off just to have something to do and something to distract me but Winston comes back before I can finish. He’s fully naked, half-hard and he shakes his head when he sees me.

“Impatient?” he teases me and he laughs when I don’t reply, just roll my eyes. I sit up to get some control over what’s happening. I don’t like being so exposed in front of him, knowing what he’s about to do to me.

He motions for me to turn around with his pointer finger and I raise an eyebrow. So he gets to see me while I’m fucking him but I don’t get to see him? How is that fair?

“Trust me,” he says so I give him one long look and then I hesitate before turning away from him and getting on my hands and knees in front of him. I feel like a dog, like I’m offering myself and completely giving up all my power. 

It doesn’t help that he doesn’t move a muscle, he just stands behind me and watches me like a freak. I told him to get on with it but he’s taking his sweet time.

“You’ve got a nice ass,” he says and he places his hands on my hips. I almost snort at the ‘compliment’. Only he could find a guy’s ass ‘nice’. He squeezes my hips and then a hand moves to my lower back and presses me into the mattress making me stick my ass in the air. Now I feel exposed. No dignity left whatsoever.

"I don't know if I wanna do this," I say quietly. I really don't think I'm cut out for this. It should be him here, not me. 

But Winston laughs softly. “We haven’t even started yet,” he says and he lets his hands drop from my body. I can breathe better now. “Give me five minutes, if you still don’t wanna do this then we’ll stop,” he says and I consider it. I don’t wanna give up too soon but I can give up if I want. Sounds good to me.

“Okay,” I say and then I crane my neck to see that he’s getting down on his knees. “W-what are you doing?” I turn away and try not to think about the fact that he’s got a clear view of my ass. How am I ever meant to look him in the eye after this?

“Just trust me,” Winston says and my thoughts get interrupted when I feel something wet touching my ass. I breathe in sharply and then I feel him lick around my hole. There’s only two things I feel, my heart about to jump out of my chest and his tongue licking its way inside me.

I press my face into the pillow to try to control my breathing but he makes tiny circles with his tongue that leave me breathless and shocked. Then his tongue dips inside and I start choking on air. 

“Still want me to stop?” Winston asks after taking his tongue out. His breath washes over the wet skin making me shiver. It might have only been his tongue that was inside of me but… I hate that I liked it.

“Fuck off.” I groan into the pillow and I surprise myself when I move back to get closer to him. “Just keep going.” He pauses and then a second later, his tongue is back moving across the tight ring of muscle and pushing its way inside.

I’m squeezing my eyes shut, muffling myself with the pillow and all I can focus on is his tongue and how it goes in and out, in and out, loosening me in the process. It’s really not that bad.

But after a few minutes, that changes. The tongue is gone and Winston leaves to get the lube. He stops and puts his hand on my back but I don’t take my face away from the pillow. “Monty? You okay?” he asks and I nod shakily just needing something to be inside me again, to get rid of the empty feeling. 

I hear the pop of the bottle being opened and then footsteps as he walks back to stand behind me again. I listen to the wet sound of the lube being spread on what I’m assuming are his fingers. And that’s gonna be inside me in a minute.

I breathe in to calm myself down and Winston circles one wet finger across my hole. It’s cold and I squirm trying to move away from it but he holds my hips firmly in place.

“It’s okay,” he says leaving a kiss on my lower back and without warning, he pushes his finger inside. My body resists the whole way and I grit my teeth to hold back a loud groan. It’s different from the tongue and it feels like an intrusion until he pulls it back out and I feel empty again. 

He forces the finger inside again and this time it goes in slightly easier. He keeps pushing in and then pulling away, slowly at first until I accidentally let a groan slip from my lips and he picks up the pace. 

I’ve only just gotten used to the first finger when he adds a second one, spreading me apart and pushing both of them inside. He scissors them inside me, spreading lube everywhere and even though it feels weird, I relax into it.

Winston laughs to himself for some reason and I’m freaking out again because I don’t know what he’s thinking about. Then he crooks his fingers, speeds up and a jolt of electricity goes up my spine.

“Win-” I choke back the moan and I try to contain myself. Where the fuck did that come from? I grip onto the pillow so hard that my knuckles turn white and Winston is laughing at me.

“Found it,” he says proudly and then gently, his fingers brush over something and that one single touch sets all my nerve ending on fire. I think I’m starting to understand the appeal of being gay now.

Somewhere along the way, a third finger gets added and at this point, it burns and it stings but it’s not as foreign as when the first finger went inside. All throughout this, my cock keeps twitching and leaking precome everywhere but Winston doesn’t let me touch myself and who am I to disobey?

He pulls the three fingers out gently leaving me spread open and cold with nothing to hold onto. I mentally prepare myself for the final step. I’ve seen and felt how big he is and his fingers are nothing compared to his cock. I push my ass up and I wait but nothing comes.

“So, Monty?” Winston asks me smugly and I hear the rustling and ripping of the condom wrapper. Just when I thought he wouldn’t delay anymore. “Would you like me to stop or should I keep going? What do you want me to do?”

I grit my teeth and tell myself to stay calm because I have a feeling he won’t be so nice to me if I lash out at him. “Just do it,” I breath out and I press my lips together. “I want you to keep going.”

“Hmm,” Winston says and then the bottle of lube opens again. I shudder at the wet sound of the lube being spread all over his cock. “Keep going? You’re gonna have to be more specific Monty.” He might be teasing me but he’s gentle with everything he’s doing, gently caressing my back, rubbing circles into my hip with his thumb and kissing my upper back between my shoulder blades.

“I want you to fuck me,” I finally say, giving up on trying to be difficult and then the words just keep flowing from there. “Need you to fuck me so fucking bad. I want to feel you so bad.” I press my face into the pillow to stop myself from going on and Winston runs his hand down my back.

“Okay,” he says shakily. He holds onto my hips, prods the head of his cock at my hole but it won’t go in easily. He tightens his grip and then pushes inside. Even with the lube and all the fingering before, it burns like a bitch. I’m biting the pillow so hard that I feel like my teeth are going to shatter. He waits for some type of indication that I’m okay and I give him the shaky nod that I know he was waiting for.

He gently pulls out, pauses and then pushes back in just as slowly as before. It goes in slightly easier and I groan at the stretch. I don’t get the chance to get used to the feeling of him inside me because he’s pulling out again. He squirts more lube into his hand, spreads it all over his cock and then pushes back inside.

“This is okay, right?” he asks uncertainly and he pulls out halfway and thrusts his hips back inside. 

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s good,” I mumble and I groan at the next thrust that’s slightly rougher and faster. “You can… Go faster,” I encourage him. At that, he speeds up, thrusting in and out with each thrust becoming slightly less painful than the previous one.

Once I get past the pain with my whole ass feeling numb, I start to realise that it feels good. It feels good to have him inside me, to feel him so close to me and to hear how he grunts every time he thrusts inside.

“You feel so fucking good,” he groans and I could say the same for him but he does that thing again, thrusts at an upward angle and my whole body tenses up and I’m moaning like some fucking prostitute without being able to stop.

My cock is aching, begging to be touched and my balls feel heavy but I don’t want him to know that I can come just from being fucked in the ass. I reach for my dick and start jerking off, Winston doesn’t stop me.

My hand matches the face of his thrusts with every single one going up in speed. I’d like to say that I’m able to control my mouth but I’m not. He’s completely fucked me up and noise just keeps slipping out of my lips, words that sound like Winston’s name and a voice that sounds like mine begging him to keep going, telling him to go faster. I can hear the sound coming from my mouth but it doesn’t belong to me.

“Are you close? I’m close,” Winston babbles and he keeps grounding his cock into me, targeting that one specific spot that makes my body melt and my brain turn to mush. 

“Yes,” I groan and I move my hand faster, already feeling that it’s not gonna be long. I twist my wrist, Winston thrusts into me roughly and I come all over my hand and the bedsheets underneath me.

My whole body goes tense, squeezing tight around Winston and he slows his thrusts down to ride out his orgasm. I can feel every little bit of him and it all feels so goddamn sensitive. Fortunately, he stops and pulls out before it can start to hurt.

I collapse on the bed, lying flat on my stomach with my sweat soaking the sheets and the pillow. Winston leaves me alone for a few minutes and I hear him moving around the room, going to the bathroom, throwing away the used condom… Then he comes back, flips me over on my back and lays down next to me, snuggling into my chest.

“How was it?” he asks and he kisses me. He seems curious and I’m waiting for my brain to start working properly.

“G-good,” I say shakily. Surprisingly good. But I’m never doing it again. That’s what I tell myself but I know I’m never gonna stop thinking about it because it just felt so… good. 

“Good,” Winston says softly and he kisses me again, trying to bring me back to reality but I don’t wanna go back to reality. This is good. Good seems to be the word of the day.

***

I don’t feel like moving. Mostly because my ass hurts and I don’t wanna be going around limping like an idiot. Winston fell asleep almost immediately with his head on my chest and his whole body trapping me. 

He woke up like five minutes ago but he hasn’t said a word since, he just continues to lay on top of me and he looks to be deep in thought. I’m not saying anything either, just running my fingers through his long hair.

“Hey,” he then says softly and he nudges me to make sure I pay attention to him. He looks up to meet my eyes and I move my head so I can see him better. He blinks and then smiles tiredly. “You should come visit me sometime. Stay with me for a while. When you have time.”

We’ve only got a few hours left until we need to be getting the train and we haven’t really talked about what happens now. We’re obviously gonna keep in touch, but I’ve got the whole soccer shit to deal with before I can even think about concentrating on Winston.

“I will,” I say moving my shoulder so it doesn’t get numb from Winston laying on it for so long. “Just gotta talk to Anders first… But next weekend maybe?” Hopefully, I’ll have time then, I don’t wanna go months without seeing Winston again.

He nods happily and then closes his eyes. “Yeah… I should have that weekend off from work but I’ll let you know if anything changes,” he explains. I twist a strand of his hair around my finger, make it into a curl and then let go of it. I do the same with another strand.

“I don’t know why you bother with that shitty job,” I say making Winston open his eyes abruptly. I’m not saying what he thinks I’m saying, I’m not insulting his work. He can do whatever he likes.

“But look at you, your work is amazing. You can’t be working for some… unknown magazine,” I say and he looks away to the side. I don’t want Winston settling for something that isn’t the best. I didn’t pick him because he was average, I picked him because he’s unique and different, I don’t want him blending in with some boring nobodies.

“It’s the best I could get,” he says and he tries to move to the side but I hold onto him, not letting him move a muscle. I’m not trying to offend him, jut trying to be helpful.

“I could… put in a word with some people,” I offer like it’s no big deal. I might not be some A-List celebrity but I’m not completely useless, I do have connections. Or more specifically,  _ Anders  _ has connections.

Winston’s eyes widen at my words but he shakes his head. He wants it but he doesn’t wanna ask for it, he doesn’t want to be depending on me. Probably why he won’t use his dad’s help or money to get a better job either. Wants to do everything himself. “I can’t… I don’t want you to do shit for me,” he says and he clears his throat to make his point, show me that this isn’t something I can change his mind about.

“I’m not promising anything,” I say moving my hand across his back, gently stroking the smooth skin. “I could just… suggest that they hire you. It’d be up to you whether you get it or not, they’d want to look at your work…” That way, he doesn’t think that it’s all up to me, he doesn’t have to feel like he’s getting it because of me.

But at the same time, I want him to know that I helped. He wouldn’t be getting this if it wasn’t for me and I don’t need him to thank me for it, I just need him to know that I’ll do anything for him. I’ll do what no one else can.

“Fine,” he says with a small smile appearing on his face. Then he licks his lips and looks back up at me. “And the team?” I’ve already thought of ways to break the news to Anders, I don’t wanna disappoint him because I know how much work he’s put into me. But I gotta start thinking about myself and what  _ I _ want. I always thought I was doing whatever I wanted, in reality, I was doing what I thought was best to keep my image intact. I hate that image.

“I’ll take care of it,” I say simply and I lean down to press my lips to his forehead. “Don’t worry about it. It’ll all work out.” I like to think that it will, that we’ve gotten through the tough part and it’ll all go smooth from here. That’s all I ask for.

***

Leaving the hotel room behind was strange. It felt more like a home than anywhere I’ve ever lived but we had to leave it behind. We didn’t sleep on the train, Winston read his book for a while but I kept ‘annoying’ him as he said and we played cards for the rest of the journey.

I stole the cards from the hotel room, it’s not the first and certainly not the last thing I’ll ever steal. Winston showed me some card tricks, said he used to want to be a magician when he was little but he was pretty useless at it which he proved when he tried to guess my card. He might not have guessed my card but it kept things interesting.

We walk through the train station in silence, Winston said he’s just gonna catch the train back home and I’m just gonna get a cab outside. He looks up at the timetable displayed on the screen and keeps walking in the direction of one of the train stands. His train is in twelve minutes.

“So… that was fun,” he says shyly grinning at me. He sits down on a metal chair and invites me to sit next to him. My ass is still sore and I wince when I sit down. “You’ll get used to it,” Winston says with a wink and I roll my eyes at him. He wishes. We’re never doing that again.

The train station isn’t empty, it’s always busy around here but there’s not many people around. Some drunk is shouting and singing in the distance but I drown him out.

“So I’ll see you again in a week,” I say waiting for confirmation. We’ve only talked about it briefly so I’m not sure whether we were making actual plans or if it was just pillow talk.

Winston smiles and nods. “I’ll write to you, let you know if anything changes,” he says and he stretches. So we’re still sticking with the letters, good to know. 

“I’ll write too… I’ll let you know what happens with the team and shit,” I say and I hate it. It’s just talk but it feels like a goodbye because we both know we’re going home after this. And even though I keep telling myself that I’ll see him again, I have this weird gut feeling that’s telling me to go on the train with him and fuck my old life. It can’t be that hard to get a new identity.

“Yeah, I’d love to know,” he says and he leans forward like he’s thinking about kissing me but he thinks better of it and he moves away again.

We sit in silence for a few more minutes and there’s this voice inside my head that sound very much like Leo that keeps screaming the same five words at me.  _ Tell him how you feel.  _ But he already knows, there’s no point, it doesn’t change anything. The voice doesn’t give up, it makes my stomach knot and my throat feel dry until the only thing I’m sure of is that I’m gonna have a heart attack if I don’t tell him.

“Winston?” He turns his head to look at me, cocks his head to the side and waits. I swallow one, two, _ three  _ times and I open my mouth to speak. “I-” And then the train arrives early, both of us stare at it in what looks like disappointment. Winston is the first to look away and turn back to me.

“Yes?” he asks eagerly. “You were saying?” But I don’t feel as confident as I felt a moment before so I just shake my head forgetting all about it. I’ll tell him another time.

“Nothing,” I say. “Just have a safe journey home.” And I don’t even hug him goodbye.

***

The taxi ride home was dreadful. All I could think about was that I should have told him. I just want to make sure that he knows. That he knows I love him like I’ve never loved anyone. In fact, I don’t think I ever loved anyone until him. It’s just him. It’s always been him. I’ll tell him next week.

I check my phone before going into the apartment and I stare at the screen as I unlock the door. It’s dead. Fuck. If Anders needed to tell me something then I won’t know until I charge my phone. I shove it back into my pocket, rub my eyes to feel more awake and then I walk inside.

The light is on and I look around. I was sure I turned everything off and now the electricity bill is gonna make me go bankrupt. Great.

I walk over to the couch, set my backpack down and I’m ready to fall asleep on this couch when I notice the handbag laying behind the pillows. Leeya’s handbag. I know it wasn’t there before so maybe she’s been here while I was away and she forgot her handbag I did give her the key after all so maybe she just needed something. She’d never forget her handbag.

“Leeya?” I call out into the silent apartment. No answer. “Leeya? Are you in here?” I stand up when I hear shuffling in the bedroom and I know it’s gotta be her. I’ve been avoiding her, kind of hoping that she’ll just find someone else and forget about me. It would be better for both of us.

She just came here to pick up her stuff, I’m sure of it. That’s why she’s here. I push the door to my bedroom to find her sitting on my bed, the light from the living room illuminates the room and I see that she’s been crying.

“What are you doing here?” I ask her. I might not love her in the way I thought I did, but I still care about her. She’s looked after me, made sure I was okay and stayed by my side when I thought I had no one. I don’t wanna treat her badly.

“Hey,” he says with a smile but the smile doesn’t reach her eyes. She wipes her cheeks with the back of her hand and pretends she hasn’t been crying all this time. “I erm, left you a message? You weren’t replying so…” She looks around the room and that’s when I notice the box in her hands. My heart stops.

“Leeya.” I swear I was going to take the ring back, I just didn’t have time so I kept it in my drawer. And now she’s holding it.

She notices that my eyes are glued on the box and I can’t even blink, I’m frozen in place. “Were you going to propose?” she asks in a small voice and she bites her bottom lip. She’s not saying anything yet, there’s still time to get out of this because this isn’t what I want. Not anymore.

“I was but-”

“Oh, Monty!” she says and she throws herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me close. No. “I was so worried,” she continues while I suffocate on her sickly sweet perfume. I don’t get a word in, maybe this is her plan, overwhelm me with her perfume and force me to marry her. Just fucking say no.

“Worried?” I ask and then I cough after inhaling her scent. I need to get away from her but she’s not letting go of me.

“I… I was so scared, you weren’t talking to me anymore, I thought you were gonna break up with me and I was so worried. I was so scared to tell you,” she rambles on giving me no room to speak. Break up with her? We’re not even together.

“Scared to tell me what?” I finally gather up the strength to push her away and hold her at arm’s length. I feel light-headed from the long journey, the perfume and the overwhelming feeling that bad news are coming my way.

Her lips part, she licks over them nervously and then she sighs deeply. The words that come out of her mouth are the final nail in the coffin. “I’m pregnant.”


	19. A New Beginning

**Nineteen**

_To Monty,_

_Don't know if you got my last letter or if you're just taking your time writing back, but I just wanted to tell you how much I loved spending time with you._

_I can't wait to see you again, can't wait for Saturday to come around. And if you didn't get my last letter, there's been a change of plans. I have work that day but you can come by and watch me work. We'd have the rest of the day to ourselves._

_I really hope to hear from you soon, I'm seriously missing you. Let me know what's going on with Andres if you can._

_Love, Winston._

I tear my eyes away from the short letter and I hang my head low. Jumping down from this balcony doesn't sound like such a bad idea now. Maybe Anders should put a lock on it again. 

Anyone else reading the letter would think nothing of it, but I can tell Winston is worried just from reading it. It's so different compared to his first letter. He was excited in that one, couldn't stop telling me about all the plans he has for us, what he enjoyed doing with me and how much he misses me. Now he's worried, probably thinks he scared me off by being overly-excited.

I loved reading his letter, almost made me forget that I'm gonna be a father soon. I told Leeya that I'm gonna need some time to think it over, that maybe we shouldn't be thinking about marriage when I've just found out that she's pregnant.

I tried my best to stay calm, reassure her that I wasn't gonna leave, I'm gonna help her out. But the minute she was gone from my apartment (I told her I needed some time alone to think) I dropped to the floor and I broke down in tears. They rolled down uncomfortably and I couldn't fall asleep after. I think I've slept an hour in total since Leeya told me the oh so fucking amazing news. 

It's been three days, I've only told Anders so far. I feel so fucking alone because I have no one to tell. The only person who'd make me feel better is Winston and I don't think he'll be thrilled to know that I knocked up my ex-girlfriend just as things were getting good between us. 

I've already thought about my options, maybe Winston will be able to get over the fact that I'm gonna have a child. Leeya wants to keep the baby so maybe he could actually help out. Come on, it's 2020, I don't have to be with Leeya to be able to raise the child. But it's what she wants and I'm not sure if Winston will be willing to stick around. I'm a mess, I know.

I look down the balcony again at all the people who are rushing to work, college and other important shit while I'm stuck here, refusing to get out of bed. Anders said I had the flu or something and forged a doctors note to say I shouldn't be getting out of bed for a few days. That note expires tomorrow, unfortunately. Would it be too much for me to ask him to adopt Leeya’s baby so I don't have to look after it? Our baby, not just Leeya’s. Fuck. 

Speak of the devil. Anders has the key to my apartment so he doesn't have to knock but I hear him walk into the living room, set something down on the table and then he calls out to me. "Monty, I'm here. Get out of bed, we need to talk!" he shouts. So I leave the letter on my bed and then I drag my feet out of the room to meet him. I close the bedroom door behind me so he can't see how much of a mess it is inside, no one’s cleaned this place for days. 

Anders shakes his head at me when he sees me. He makes himself comfortable in my armchair and then he sighs audibly. "When's the last time you shaved?" he asks and I shrug. Shaving isn't important.

I flop down on the couch and then I reach for the paper bag that Anders set on the table. Breakfast at one in the afternoon. Nice. It's just a sandwich from Subway, my usual order that Anders somehow knows. I unwrap it and take a bite completely ignoring Anders's stare. 

"So… what do you want me to do?" he asks me and I can barely swallow now that he asked. He's supposed to _know_ what to do, He's supposed to fix it without me telling him how to.

I continue chewing, focusing my eyes on the TV that's not even on rather than my friend. Anders says my name, I stop chewing and I look towards him. "What?" I ask with my mouth full and I wipe my lips with the back of my hand. 

"What do you want me to do?" he asks again only this time he leans forward, getting closer to me like he's really trying to get through to me. It's the type of shit my therapist does. Dear Dr Ellman, haven't seen him in a hot minute.

"I don't know," I say after chewing and I glare at nothing. "Can't you… get rid of Leeya somehow?" One of my best ideas is to pay her off, give her enough money to make the child's children millionaires. I thought that that should keep her away but then I realised that Leeya never cared about the money. She's a broke art student and she never asked me for a penny, all she ever needed was for me to be there and now she wants me to be there for the baby. 

"What am I supposed to do? Hire a hitman? Hit her with a bus?" Anders scoffs obviously against the idea. He thinks that I'll be able to make it work somehow by carefully balancing both parts of my life. I don't think I will. 

"Are you sure it's yours?" he then asks and his lips set in a thin line. Obviously that's another possibility. I've tried to figure out the exact date of when Leeya and I last had sex but I only know that it was about two months ago. She could be two months pregnant but why would she only tell me now? Maybe I'm reading too much into it, I don't know that much about pregnancy but I'd prefer to believe anything over the fact that I'm going to have to raise this kid whether I like it or not. I said I didn't want to end up like my father, now is my turn to prove it. 

"I think so," I say and Anders raises an eyebrow. "Fuck, I don't know. Who else's would it be?" Leeya and I haven't been dating for months, it's not like I keep tabs on everyone she's seeing. But I know she wouldn't lie to me, not about this. If she says I'm the father then I believe her. And I'll rest easy once we run a couple of tests to confirm that. I hope we don't confirm it. I'd rather have Leeya turn out to be a lair.

"You can still ask her to get a test done," Anders tells me and then he opens his backpack and pulls out a shit ton of paperwork like he's already been prepared for this. "This one you can take as early as seven weeks into the pregnancy," he explains and he points to some words that make no sense to me. 

I swat him away and close my eyes. I'm too tired for this shit, it's too much. I know that as soon as it turns out that I'm the father, it makes this thing a million times more complicated. I'd rather focus on Winston right now. "So have you spoken to any of the agencies?" I ask him and Anders stares at me in the same way he does whenever he's disappointed.

"You can't pretend she's not pregnant," he says before putting the paperwork away and then leaning back in the armchair. I've told him about wanting to leave, about wanting to help Winston out by getting him a better job and I told him about Leeya’s pregnancy. He completely ignored the first thing, saying I wasn't in the right mindset to decide what I wanted but he promised he'd help with the other two. 

"Yes, I heard from a few," he finally says, shaking his head in disbelief. I'll pretend that Leeya’s not pregnant for as long as I can. I don't know what next. 

"Good," I say. "Let Winston know and… help him decide?" I ask and Anders stares at me with a confused look on his face. "I'll pay you. Hell, I'll give you a raise, don't worry about it." I say. I just want what's best for Winston because he deserves the best. 

"I'm not worried about money," Anders says and a grin shows on his face. He laughs quietly. "You're so in love with him, you know that?" My stomach tightens and I feel like throwing up my breakfast. I freeze in place, not moving a muscle and I lick over my bottom lip. 

Of course I know I'm in love with him. I've known for a while even though it was difficult to accept and admit. But I don't need Anders pointing it out. 

"Agencies. Winston. Get to work," I say and I clap my hands together. Maybe if I focus hard enough on Winston, I'll forget about Leeya. Maybe I'll think of a solution for the baby problem. It'll all work out in the end. 

***

I don't know if it counts as harassment but it can't be normal to have thirty-four missed calls from someone in the span of an hour. Leeya. She's being paranoid, thinking I'll do a runner and leave her with the baby. I've thought about it. 

“Woah. Someone’s desperate to talk to you,” Joe says when he takes a glance at the screen. He wipes his sweaty face with a white towel and then he throws it into the washing basket to make the cleaner’s job easier. I threw mine on the floor but whatever. 

Joe’s been good these past few days, he said he’s gotten over that girl and he’s got a date today. I’m happy for him, at least one of us has their life in order. 

“It’s nothing,” I say and I put my phone away. She keeps calling me, keeps coming to my apartment to check up on me so much that I told the building manager that security shouldn’t let her into the building without informing me first. At least now I can prepare myself to see her.

“If you say so,” Joe says, not sounding convinced and then he throws his shirt on and fixes his hair in the mirror. I’m dreading tomorrow coming, we’re playing Minnesota and that means we’re paying against Holden. It will be weird seeing him defend the opponent’s goal post but I won’t hesitate to fight back if he tries to tackle me. Sometimes I forget that we used to be friends. 

Anders already had a talk with me, saying he didn’t want to be bailing me out of prison again so I better behave on the pitch. It was always Holden that separated my fights, I wonder what he’d do if a fight broke out. 

Joe tells me about his date and I nod along like I actually care but all I can think about is this weekend and the fact that I’ll be seeing Winston. 

I’m buckling up my pants and all of a sudden I remember what I let him do to me. My face turns bright red at the thought and I quickly splash some water on myself to cool down. Joe gives me a weird look but he doesn’t ask, it's better that way.

I don’t know if I should tell Winston or how I should tell him, it’s gonna break him. That’s gonna be the last straw. I think I’ll tell him at the end, just before I leave then it doesn’t ruin our time together. Sounds like the best option.

For some reason I still don’t let it get to my head that Leeya is pregnant, that we’re going to have a baby, I just keep living my life thinking the problem is gonna resolve itself like it usually does.

I get home only to find out that Leeya was at my apartment again. She left a note for me to call her back but I don't. I go up and I check if there's any post. I sent Winston a letter yesterday and I know it's too early to get a reply but you never know. 

No letter, no texts, no nothing. I hope my letter makes up for the late reply.

Anders does his usual check-up when I come out of the shower. Probably to make sure I haven't jumped from the balcony yet. He asks about training, about Leeya, Winston, Joe… We end up talking for hours with the conversation ending as soon as he mentions the pregnancy again. I tell him I’m tired and then I hang up.

I’m tired of hearing about Leeya, of everyone asking what I’m gonna do and what’s gonna happen now. I don’t fucking know, okay?

***

Then matchday comes and I’m even more pissed off because Leeya won’t leave my side. She keeps asking me if I want to go to the doctor with her, if I wanna go baby clothes shopping and shit like that. Do I look like someone who goes baby clothes shopping?

I feel like I’ll hate the son of a bitch when he’s born. Or she. Whatever. I just know I’m gonna hate it, it’s the only thing that’s stopping me from getting what I want.

This is what I wanted, I hoped to God to settle down, get that ideal life and move on from Winston. I’ve got it now. When Winston talked about God having plans for people… I think this God must really hate me or he has a really cruel sense of humour.

“Monty! I asked if you wanna go say hi.” Joe nudges me, almost making me lose my balance because frankly, I wasn’t paying attention to anything that was happening around me. I was living in my head again but I’m not there, I’m in the locker room with the guys. The game starts in three minutes and we should probably be getting out of here.

“Huh?” Joe raises an eyebrow at me and sighs. He doesn’t reply, just grabs my arm and then drags me out of the locker room. The teams are already lined up in the tunnel, waiting to be let on the pitch. Joe and I are supposed to be at the front of the line so we push in and then I notice that someone else is standing at the front of our line, talking to Bradley, our coach.

“Holden!” Joe shouts and then he leaves me behind and hugs Holden. Have I missed a chapter or something? The last time Joe talked about Holden, he called him a motherfucker for leaving us after Leo’s death and that was months ago. He even told me to ignore all of Holden’s calls and texts and whatever else. And now they’re suddenly best buds?

Holden looks just as surprised as me but he hugs Joe back and then he looks at me. This guy has no shame, he actually fucking smiles at me and waves. I pull a face, not even meaning to, it was a reflex and I join the line.

Joe stays with him, sucking up to him for some reason which I can’t understand. Why is he suddenly acting like Mr Nice, talking to Holden like they’ve been friends since the day they were born. 

Eventually, they have to go back to their places because it’s time to get out on the pitch and Holden passes by me and lightly touches my shoulder. 

“It’s good to see you,” he says and I turn my head away, keeping my eyes focused on Bradley standing in front of me. “We should talk after the game.”

“Fuck off,” I say. I shrug his hand off of me and then I’m walking out onto the pitch, the team following after me and Joe and I’m leaving Holden behind.

He keeps glancing at me during the game, I think his job is to mark me because he’s surrounding me every time I have the ball at my feet. He knows me, knows how I play and he’s trying to make sure I don’t score.

One time I have the ball, I’m running towards the goalpost and he’s running beside me, trying to get the ball away from me and I shove him hard with my shoulder. He’s like five times stronger than me, all it should do is slow him down but instead, he falls to the floor like he’s been shot.

The referee immediately blows his whistle, comes over and tries to figure out what happened. The medic team is called over as Holden points at his ankle but I didn’t even touch his fucking ankle. 

He stays on the floor as the medics check out his ankle and I roll my eyes at how dramatic he’s being. Joe is talking to Bradley, probably taking tactics and I stay close to Holden because I need to keep an eye on him.

“You and Leeya still together?” Holden asks me while the medics are helping him up. What does he fucking care?

“No,” I say and I don’t know why. He can’t know about the pregnancy, can he? He doesn’t get to know anything about my private life anymore, he lost the privilege of being my friend a long time ago.

He looks surprised at my answer and then he nods. “Right,” he says and then he looks to the sideline where Joe is running onto the pitch because the ref is about to blow his whistle and restart the game with a free-kick for the opposite team. Wasn’t even a foul, they don’t deserve that free-kick.

“So you probably know about-”

“Fuck off,” I silence Holden once again and then I get back to my position. Focus on the game. 

The first half was the easy part but then Holden tried to talk to me in the tunnel. If Joe and the rest of the team weren’t around then I would have beaten the fuck out of him. 

I think he was trying to apologize but I heard nothing except for my own shouting. I said a lot of bullshit, a lot of crap about Leo especially before Bradley and Joe were dragging me away into the locker room. Bradley wasn't going to let me out onto the pitch but Joe promised him that I'd behave. I didn't behave. 

I tried to hurt Holden in any way I could on the pitch, kept ramming into him even when he didn't have the ball. I got a yellow and then Bradley subbed me off because he didn't want me to get sent off with a red. I know what Ellman would say, that I'm letting all my anger and frustration out in an unhealthy way. Blah blah blah. 

We draw 0-0 and I refuse to speak to anyone or shake anyone's hand after the match, I go back into the tunnel and to the locker room. We could have won that. If only Bradley had let me play. 

"You okay? You seem so… on edge recently," Joe comments a while later when we're on our way to the parking lot after the match and a shit ton of interviews. He offered to drive so I wouldn't have to take a cab. He plays around with his keys as he waits for my response. 

On edge? Yeah, that happens when your life is falling apart. "Just shit with Leeya," I say. I don't trust anyone other than Anders with the specifics, don't want it getting out there and don't want any gossip and I know that Joe has a big mouth when he's drunk. 

He goes pale and quickens his pace to get to the car. “So, uh. Erm, Holden?” he says quickly and he gets into the driver’s seat of the car. I don’t understand why he’s in such a rush, maybe talking about Leeya made him remember about a date or something. He seems to have a lot of those nowadays.

“Don’t even fucking talk about him,” I say. I didn’t block all of Holden’s numbers so I could have a conversation with him in person. Whatever he had to say to me, I don’t care.

***

What I’m doing is wrong, I know that. Not only am I stressing Leeya out but I’m also… ‘withholding information’ from Winston. It’s not lying but… I still feel bad. I honestly have no idea how I’m gonna tell him. Anders thinks I should just do it and stop ‘lying’ to Winston. I don’t think that’s a wise thing to do.

I parked my car in the staff parking lot, who cares, it was mostly empty anyway. I haven’t driven a car since… a long time ago. But I think I’m ready to start being independent again. I check the address again to make sure I’m at the right place. I imagined seeing some old run-down buildings with drug deals going on in the parking lot and hobos begging you for money by the door. That’s just where I thought he worked.

But it’s a new building, fairly modern and very clean. No hobos or drug dealers around. Shame. It looks like a nice neighbourhood but I know that Winston doesn’t live here, he wouldn’t be taking the train to and from work if he did. I wonder where he lives.

There's an office I have to get through first and usually, they take one look at me and let me inside but now the guy sat behind the glass screen is looking me up and down and squinting like he thinks he knows me. I wouldn't expect him to. 

He has a name tag stuck to his blue polo shirt. Jonathan. He looks at the computer screen, taps on the keyboard and then glances back at me. 

"Hey… John," I say uncertainly as I get closer to the front desk. I tap my fingers against the wooden desk and then I clear my throat. "Is Winston around?" 

The guy raises one eyebrow and then goes back to tapping on his keyboard. He looks like one of those typical fags with their eyebrows plucked and bleached hair that makes them look like one of those troll dolls. Don't know what someone like him is doing working for a modelling agency. 

"He's in studio 2b," he tells me with an exaggerated sigh and then he hands me a visitors pass under the glass screen. "Put it on."

Jesus. Why are these secretaries always so aggressive? I put the lanyard around my neck and then I walk over to the elevator. John keeps his eyes on me until I’m on the elevator. Second floor. I press the button and I wait for the doors to open again. 

I'm gonna see Winston. I clear my mind, forget about Leeya and soccer and everything else. It's all about him and me for now. 

The doors open with a ding and I step out. Room 2b. I walk down the long hallway and there's 2a, a few more steps and there's another door. 2b. The other room was silent, this one is loud and busy. There's laughter, chatter, cameras clicking and I'm not sure if I can just walk inside or if I'll be interrupting. 

"Finally! He's been waiting for you all day!" I recognize the voice by now. Nick. He's got two cups of coffee in his hands, bright red hair gelled up to spikes and he looks like an idiot. But he's grinning at me, making me feel welcome for the first time today and he opens the door for me. 

It's only eleven in the morning but it looks like they're having lunch. They're sitting around on the chairs, laughing and eating their food. They're all dressed plainly but some with faces full of makeup. Even the guys. Then I see him. 

Winston is standing with a camera in his hands and there's the other guy. The one who vomited on me at Nick's birthday party. He's standing in front of the white backdrop, posing stupidly while Winston takes the photos and laughs. I thought he was out of the picture and now… why the fuck did I never ask? 

"Winston! Your guest is here," Nick shouts and Winston immediately spins around and grins even wider when he sees me. Now everyone else is interested and I feel uneasy having all this attention on me. They say hi to me and then glance at one another, silently talking with their eyes. They're already trying to work out who I am to Winston. 

Winston leaves vomit boy behind and I can't help but notice that his jaw tightens and he's glaring my way. Winston passes the camera to Nick without taking his eyes off of me and then he puts his hand on my back. Nick has trouble balancing the cups of coffee and the camera in his hands, I know he’s gonna spill the coffee soon.

"Hey," Winston says softly and then he's pushing me to the left. He opens a door with the card attached to his lanyard and leads us inside. 

My heart is already pounding from one touch. I've been waiting for this moment all week and it doesn't feel as good as I thought it would. All I'm thinking about is Leeya while he's taking me to this room, large mirrors, lots of lighting, makeup, clothes…

He sits down on a chair in front of me and spins around. The grin on his face is still there, his eyes twinkling in the white light and just for a second, I forget about everything else. Only for a second. 

"I heard from some agencies," he tells me the good news with a small smile and he tilts his head to the side. He then laughs to himself. "They want me to model, I… I can't thank you enough." 

"You don't have to," I say and then I realise that I'm smiling. Smiling right at him and making him believe that all is right in the world. At least I can get him one good thing before I go. 

I really thought this could work, me Winston and Leeya all taking care of the baby. He won't do that, he's only twenty years old and he won't settle down with a guy and a baby that both need to be taken care of. He doesn't deserve to be dragged into this. 

"Listen, Winston-"

"God, I missed you so much," he interrupts. It always starts like this, small talk until one of us is brave enough to say what we really think. He bites his bottom lip, looks me up and down and I swallow hard. 

"I know," I say hoarsely and I think about telling him but that would ruin everything. And I can't tell him the other thing either, there's no point stringing him along. "I missed you too."

That's when he stands up, cradles my face in his hands and presses our lips together without a second of hesitation. I let myself get lost in it, in his touch, his taste, his smell… I'm going to have to say goodbye to all of that. He doesn't deserve to have me involve him in my messes. 

"Listen," he says after pulling away. He rests his forehead against mine and I lick over my swollen lips trying to salvage the last of his taste. "I still have some work to do but if you can wait an hour or two then we can go back to my place. How does that sound?"

Us leaving together will send the wrong signal. Unless we stick with the friends lie. And I'm already daydreaming about being on his bed, face pressed into the pillow and his hands grabbing onto my hips. Since when do I think about shit like this?

"Perfect," I say and Winston grins before kissing me again, tugging at my bottom lip with his teeth and pulling my hair. Fuck, I'd let him do anything to me. 

And then my phone rings and Winston pulls back almost immediately, he frowns at me and waits for me to take my phone out. Please don't let it be Leeya.

"It's Anders," I explain and it's almost as bad as Leeya calling but not quite. If he's calling then it must be important, he knows I've been waiting all week just for this one day with Winston. I told him not to interrupt unless he has to. "I gotta take this."

"Of course," Winston says going back into business mode. I walk out of there, past all his photographer friends and then back out into the hallway where Nick found me. 

I take a deep breath and then I answer the call preparing myself for the worst. "Yeah?" I say and I lick over my lips against remembering how Winston kissed me just a second ago. That's what I want, I don't want this mess. 

"Look I hate to interrupt but it's about Leeya," Anders says with a sigh. I take a few steps away from the door like I'm worried that someone will overhear. Of course it's about Leeya, everything is recently. 

"Just tell me," I say. I don't wanna delay it, don't want him to sugar coat it, I need to know where I stand before I decide what to do about Winston. 

"I think you should just get back here," Anders tells me and my heart drops. "I've tried to calm her down but she's… she's a mess. She really needs you right now." I've been… selfish and stupid to think that I could just ignore Leeya. She's already like two or three months pregnant and it's not gonna go away. 

What the fuck am I even doing here? Why am I chasing after some guy when I'm gonna have a family to take care of in about six months? I keep acting like a child, keep putting my own needs above others and I can't do that when I have a child. 

"Monty, are you there?"

I never thought I'd be with a child at twenty-one years old. I have no idea what to do, I wish someone would just tell me what to do. But it's all on me because it's all my fault that this is happening. I should have been more careful, condoms break and accidents happen but… fuck. I'm never having sex ever again. 

"Monty, can you hear me?" I finally realise that Anders is waiting for an answer and he made it clear that I can't stay here, I really can't. I'm trying to hold onto something that I don't deserve, something I can't have. I think I had him, maybe for a second or two back at that hotel. When we were laying next to each other in silence, smiling without moving a muscle. I felt like I was his and he was mine. I've never felt as alone as I do right now. 

"I'll b-be there," I croak and I hope that Anders didn't hear the break in my voice or the muffled sniffle after the last part. I wipe my nose with my sleeve, lick my dry lips and then I blink rapidly to stop myself before I can let the tears fall. It's my fault I'm in this situation and my dad always said that crying solves nothing. 

"Okay…" Anders says softly and I know that he knows. He knows how fucking difficult it is for me right now but he also knows that I'll do the right thing. "See you in a bit," he says and then the line goes dead and I hold the phone up to my ear still because the minute I move, my limbs are gonna go soft, I'll fall to the ground and I'll never be able to get back up again. 

Except I will somehow. Someone will pick me up, help me learn to walk again and just when I think I'm getting the hang of it, something will ruin everything again and we're right back to where we started. 

***

"Monty! Monty!"

Just ignore it, he'll give up eventually. Its just noise. Fuck, where are my car keys? I fumble around in my pockets trying to look for them but my hands are shaking. 

I'm not gonna say goodbye, it's easier for both of us that way. I'll just walk away, burn his letters, block his phone number and it'll all be over. Like we'd never met. I plan it out in my head, imagine myself getting home, seeing Leeya and just erasing Winston from my memory because that's what's gonna hurt the most. But then a hand on my shoulder pulls me out of my thoughts making me drop the keys that I only just managed to get out of my pocket. 

"Where are you going? I thought you were gonna stay?" Winston asks me and he's smiling. His cheeks are flushed red like they do when he's really excited about something. I was meant to stay, watch him work for a bit and then go back home with him. Except I left him without a word and I was hoping he wouldn't notice but he obviously saw that I've done a runner and decided to go after me. 

"I have to go," I say simply. Maybe I won't have to tell him that I'm about to be a dad. He'll find out one day from a newspaper article or something and he'll sigh with relief knowing that he dodged a bullet by not getting involved with me. 

Winston raises an eyebrow, still smiling only less certainly like he doesn't quite believe me. "Why?" he asks and he takes a step towards me. He won't take no for an answer, not when he's so close to finally getting what he wants. "I thought we were… I thought it was all good between us."

I feel guilty for getting his hopes up and then… I never should have come here. "It is," I say and I lick my bottom lip and look to the side to avoid his gaze. "But… something came up," I say and I hang my head low. Something always comes up. Something always gets in the way. Just let me be happy for once. 

"You're going to see _her,_ aren't you?" Winston asks sourly but it sounds like he's already answered the question for himself. He somehow managed to work out that this was about Leeya. I dare to look up but he's not smiling anymore and the warmth in his eyes is gone leaving them completely empty. 

"I should have known… you're gonna stay with her," he states and he takes a step back and turns to the side. I wasn't planning on doing this, this wasn't how I wanted it to go but it's the best option. Winston doesn't even understand why yet, I know he'll understand, I just have to explain. 

"Leeya's pregnant," I say and his head jerks to the side like he's been slapped. He stares at me and his eyes widen. Slowly, he exhales through his nose and then he looks away again. 

Say something, please. On one side I'm hoping he'll tell me to fuck off and he'll turn back around and never see me again. It would be the easy option out, him choosing to let me go and I wouldn't feel bad because I'd know that it was his choice to end this.

But on the other hand, I just want him to tell me that we'll work it out, that somehow we'll make it work in our own messed up way. I want him to say that he'll stay and we'll get through this. But he's just a kid trying to find his place in the world, trying to make something of himself and he doesn't need my mess to be dragging him down. 

"Monty-"

"I get it," I say. "You don't need to explain." It's not his responsibility, he can walk away from this without looking back and that's what he should be doing. I glance back at my car that is parked in the near distance and I sigh. "I should-"

"So where does that leave us?" Winston asks straightening up and crossing his arms over his chest. And this is exactly what I didn't want because he's trying to stay and I don't want him to. I do, I want him around always but I know it's unfair of me to expect him to stick around. He needs to let me go. 

"What 'us'? There is no us" I say and even as I say it my voice shakes. I clear my throat, try to avoid Winston's gaze because I'll crumple the second my eyes meet his. "Okay...we fucked around for some time but you're getting a new job and I… I'm building a life for myself... It's best if we just move on." My throat tightens and I try my best to sound as convincing as I can. I don't mean a word of what I say and it's no secret that we both know that. He's seen too much to take my word for it. 

"Move on?" he asks and his brow furrows like he's still trying to piece together what's happening right now. I don't know how long I can keep doing this before I break. 

"Yeah. Move on. Can't be hard, right?" I say simply and I out my hands in my pockets to hide how badly they’re shaking. I feel like vomiting right now, I feel like telling him that nothing else matters but him and… and I want this to work but bullshit comes out of my mouth instead. "It's not like we expected any to come out of this."

Winston blinks a few times keeping his hazel eyes on me like he's waiting for me to change my mind. Then he scoffs and shakes his head at night. "Right. Yeah. Of course." And he won't look me in the eye while he's saying it. I really messed it up this time. 

"So erm. I guess this is it." This is the goodbye we get, a shitty 'bye' and wave in some parking lot in God knows where. After so much work, so much effort being put into this, nothing is gonna come out of it. This is goodbye.

"Yeah. I guess it is." he agrees and neither of us makes any attempt to move. I don't think my brain has registered what's about to happen, that this is honestly goodbye. I think about hugging him but I take one step forward and he takes three steps back. No hug then. 

"Okay," I say shortly and I hesitate before turning away from him. I don't think he'll stop me, he'll just let me walk away but he doesn't. 

"No, you know what? You don't get to do that," he says and then the next minute, he's grabbing my arm and turning me around to face him. "You don't get to end it like this. No, I'm not saying goodbye." And that was what I was worried about, that I wouldn't be able to push him away because he can see straight through my bullshit. 

"Winston, it's over," I try to reason with him. It was fun while it lasted but nothing good ever lasts, not for me. 

"Don't tell me that," Winston protests shaking his head at me. He loosens his grip on my arm and he swallows. "I was there, I saw how you looked at me," he continues in a hushed tone and I feel like I'm about to pass out. "Look me In the eye and tell me you don't love me," he orders and he waits. 

I search his eyes with my own and all I see is the hope that he's still holding out for us. Even after all this shit, he's still willing to stick around. "You know I can't do that," I whisper and I bow my head. Winston’s face softens and I thought he knew, I was sure he knew that I love him but he looks surprised that I'm even able to admit it. "I'm done lying to you," I add and then I take another step back. Winston isn't expecting it, he really thought this was gonna work. 

"Which is why I mean it when I say that this is goodbye," I finish and Winston slowly shakes his head, his face hardens and he doesn't even blink. I think I broke him like I break everything. 

He opens his mouth as if to speak but no words come out. He closes his mouth and then opens it again but still, nothing is said. He just keeps glancing around, shifting from foot to foot and waiting for something, anything. 

"I'll keep in touch," I add thinking that maybe that will help. It wasn't part of the plan, I can't help myself around him. As long as I'm in contact with him, I'll never be over him. I'll never be over him full stop. 

Winston actually laughs and he shakes his head. "Don't bother," he says carelessly and he starts to turn away from me. "I don't wanna hear from you ever again." He won't even look me in the eyes, he just walks away from me as fast as he can because he knows that nothing good ever comes from being with me. 

***

I didn’t go home straight away. I didn’t trust myself to drive so I walked around, got drunk, sat on a bench and then I shattered the glass whiskey bottle and I cut my hands by accident. Now I’m tired, clothes look like they’ve been tarnished, I’m drunk and I can’t even walk straight and there’s dried up blood everywhere. The taxi driver wouldn’t let me inside his car so I took some fucking bus, got lost and then I had to call Anders to pick me up.

He took one look at me, sighed and started driving. It’s like eleven at night. About twelve hours since I saw Winston. Only twelve fucking hours and I feel like I haven’t seen him for years. 

I keep seeing his face whenever I close my eyes, the look he had in his eyes when he was still trying to fix this somehow and think of a solution right before we realised that it was never going to work. He should be home now, maybe alone, maybe not but _I_ was supposed to be with him right now. 

“It’s over,” I say staring ahead out of the window and Anders glances at me and gives me a sympathetic pat on the knee. Even Anders has no idea what the fuck to do. I swallow, lick my lips and bite the insides of my cheeks before I can start weeping like some fucking girl. “I told him I love him,” I then say just as Anders stops at a red light. 

“You did?” Anders asks. Maybe it wasn’t in the way I planned it but I told him all the same. I shouldn’t have.

“He didn’t give a shit,” I say monotonously and then I laugh. He walked away from me, told me he never wanted to hear from me ever again. I keep replaying his words in my head, trying to see if maybe I missed something. Like, I don’t know, maybe he said I love you back and I missed it. He didn’t say it back and now I look like a fool for letting myself catch feelings for him. Fuck that.

“His loss,” Anders says and I see the familiar supermarket now as we pass it, we’re only a few minutes away from ‘home’, from Leeya, from my wonderful pretend life that I made for myself. 

I grunt in response and I slowly move my hand so I can examine the cuts set deep in my flesh. I can’t feel them. I press down and there’s nothing. Everything’s numb. I bite my tongue, I can feel that. At least I’m alive. 

“I should have died in that hotel room,” I say and Anders almost jumps in his seat and swerves onto the sidewalk.

“Don’t you dare fucking say that!” he snaps at me and glares at the road in front of him. He goes on to say how much it would break him if I was ever gone but it means nothing to me. It all means nothing.

“You’re like a son to me,” Anders then says quietly and he likes his lips. “I couldn’t… I wouldn’t be able to handle it if you were gone.” My lip starts to tremble as I look at him but I’m able to keep it together. That’s until I breath in and suddenly I’m crumbling, not piece by piece but all at once. All of it comes out, my body shakes as I sob uncomfortably trying to wipe the tears rolling down my cheeks with my bloody sleeve but they’re replaced by new ones as soon as they’re wiped away. There’s no point.

My nose is runny and I bite my fist to stop myself from making too much noise, I clutch onto my thigh trying to hold myself together, telling myself that it’s all alright but it’s not. Everything’s falling apart but there’s a new life waiting for me around the corner. A wife and a child. And I want none of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, thank you for reading this story, its my favourite one to write and i love all the feedback im getting on it  
> second of all, yes there will be a sequel but only once i finish sowk because i dont trust myself to write anything else if i start the sequel now  
> looking forward to reading your feedback and thank you for reading once again :)

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote this about a month ago and id love to start writing it again, let me know what you think.


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